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Posted 5/28/2018 8:41 AM (GMT 0)
Hi who ever is reading this,

I've suffered from depression most of my life, and I use to believe I had it under covered but now I'm not so sure. I keep getting into my head and every time I try to feel just a second of happiness I get into my head and tell myself "I'm not good enough" "I don't deserve happiness" " Will I ever know love" " Do I deserve love". Then I want to get back into old habits like self harm, drugs, and alcohol just to get these thoughts out of my head. Sometimes it just seems that all hope is gone when I start to feel so down, where its like nothing can help fix the way I feel. I don't really have anyone to talk to about these types of thoughts and I would love to see others who might actually understand how I feel!

Thanks Leti
Posted 5/28/2018 4:24 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Leti,

So sorry for the struggles you've had, and the recurrence of those awful feelings...

There is so much pressure, and competition, in our society. We watch the 'beautiful' people on tv, and in magazines etc, and we can't help comparing ourselves to impossible and unreal standards.
Life can be tough, and it is a brave thing to reach out for help, or even to acknowledge that you need help.

It's ok for you to be yourself, including all those doubts.
Of course you are good enough, and deserve happiness. And you deserve love.

I hope you manage to find someone to chat with, a counselor would be good for a start.

Depression makes people go into a sort of self destructive spiral... the thoughts don't reflect reality, yet there they are! Sometimes you can get out of your head by engaging more with your body... walks, exercise or just sitting under a tree.

It can be so tough, and most people here get exactly how you feel.

Really wish you well. Post whenever you get the urge.
Posted 5/28/2018 4:46 PM (GMT 0)
Sometimes when things would be going good, I would get anxiety. This comes from things not being good for so long, that when things do go right, it scares you.

I am now use to being happy and things going better. Not all the time, but most of the time.

I agree maybe talk to a counselor. It really does help.

Know that you are worthy of love and happiness. We all are.

I hope that you feel better soon. Hang in there and keep posting as it helps.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 5/29/2018 7:35 PM (GMT 0)
I get the pain and the negative self-talk: it's as though your brain is your enemy and wants to see you fail, to fall flat on your face at every turn.

I agree with looking for a counsellor. Counsellors vary widely in quality, so don't be scared to change if you feel like they are not up to the task of helping you understand yourself.

Wishing you well. Feel free to post some more.
Posted 5/30/2018 2:49 AM (GMT 0)
I still struggle with the thought "I can't have anything nice."

With help, I traced it back to my childhood, when my brothers played 'keep away' with a new stuffed lion I had won at a carnival. Of course my mother tried to mend it, but it was never the same.

Then, I outgrew a favorite pair of blue patent leather shoes. "I can't have anything nice."

Years later, a boy I liked 'left me' for one of my friends. "I can't have anything nice."

So many different scenarios...all leaving me with the same feeling.

By the time I was in my 30's, I was a full blown alcoholic. Early in my working with a sponsor, she had me keep a journal. The first entry was "I want to kill Dominic (my 7 year old) for dripping cherry ice pop on my new white sofa." So much rage over a little stain! But all my brain would say was "I can't have anything nice!" It took a lot of work to trace it back to my childhood, through every different scenario, in order to get it 'right sized'.

This is just a few examples of repetitive thinking...repetitive feeling...that led to self destructive behaviors.

So, yeah, I get what you're talking about. No doubt in my mind, this is something that also started long ago, when you didn't have the coping skills you have now or at least can learn now, to go back and use on the memories.

It doesn't work perfectly all the time on every feeling/thought. But it has helped me immensely.
Posted 5/30/2018 12:51 PM (GMT 0)
Hey pitmom, I have a very similar thought.

Feels like I can't have anything nice or good either. Or if something nice does happen, it's snatched away in no time at all. I'm so sick of it. I actually can't remember the last time significantly nice happened to me. But I can think of hundreds of bad things immediately.

In fact I don't think anything really, REALLY nice has ever happened to me. Not in childhood or adulthood. As a small child I strongly identified with Charlie Brown, the "loser" whom all the other children hated. At the age of 5 I walked around a family gathering solemnly telling everyone that nobody liked me, that everyone hated me, especially my brother (the one who ended up committing suicide). I think people just treated it as a joke, but even though I have no personal memory of that episode, I know I would have been being entirely serious.
Posted 5/31/2018 12:07 AM (GMT 0)
I get it. I'm not so much, "I can't have anything nice," as I am, "Something good happened. Something worse is coming right around the corner and it'll be in just a sec."

Frustrating.
Posted 5/31/2018 7:36 PM (GMT 0)
Welcome Leti,

As you see we all have these negative thought loops, and they come and go. It certainly gets dark some times.

Here is a link to some helpful articles on negative thoughts. I hope they help you.

Remember they are just thoughts they are not true, you are enough and you are worthy..

/www.mindful.org/?s=negative+though+loops

I wish peace and strength
Trina
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