Nearing the end of my rope

So, it's been a struggle to be me for 22 years or so. For unknown reasons, around 1996, the depression kicked in. Hm, "chemical imbalance" I guess. Score.

Fast forward to 2011 or so. I start thinking I have issues with my heart, but it turns out it's acid reflux. Is it bad to wish for a minor heart defect versus this hell? I had the fundoplication surgery in 2013 and life's been garbage since.

I've been through probably a dozen antidepressants. Right now, I'm on Pristiq, Lamictil, and was just prescribed Buspar. My psychiatrist thinks it's good to seemingly randomly prescribe things. I went the TMS route and finished that up a few weeks ago. Part of me misses the daily grind of going for treatment, even if it was just a placebo effect sometimes. Something says since I stopped it, it's going to stop working now despite the numerical proof it helped immensely.

I thought a little background might help. Anyway, this is what's up my rear end the past week. I feel like all my good deeds go punished. Last Thursday, I went to see a friend five hours away. Turns out, she couldn't hang long because of another friend causing her trouble. I was left all alone, per usual, in my hotel room. Why even go? Then I met another friend for a meal the next day only to have some unsupervised brats fling food at me. Then I went to another friend's birthday party. Since I had the fundoplication surgery, I can't stand much trauma to my chest. A drunk friend at said party shoved me and I wound up in the ER the next night. Hello, financial ruin! I am insured at least. Now I have a bacterial skin infection by my eye from God knows what. Can a guy catch a break?

So after my appointment with my psychologist today (the topic with him is about my good deeds doing punished), I went to a nurse practicioner regarding the mystery surrounding my eye. Is it poison ivy? Is it shingles? Well, it's believed to be impetigo. ...probably not so bad. Here's where the bad part comes in, at least for me.

For some reason to see my eye, said NP needs me to lean back. I had eaten a couple hours prior, but hello reflux! I've felt bad for about eight hours now. I'm sort of at my wits end. I had fundoplication surgery as I said, that went poorly, gained all the weight I lost and then some post surgery, so I have a hiatal hernia and disrupted 'wrap' from said fundo surgery. Why'd I bother? Can't unring a bell, but it doesn't suck any less. My current GI guy only recommends a particular diet. I can't get into see a new GI guy for two months. I don't even eat dinner anymore for the most part as the suggested 2-3 hours of not laying down after eating don't work for me.

It's all just depressing. I do all this stuff to improve and I just can't overcome the hurdles. I accept responsibility for most of the crap that's up with me, but dang.

2008: Go back to college to finish from my 2004 dropout. Not much to show for it.
2011: Try to have PT on my damaged back. Probably gave myself the hiatal hernia from a stretch and the reflux began.
2013: PPIs apparently didn't work, so let's get surgery! Bad.

Just a few examples. I don't know what I expect from you kind folks, but I had to vent.

It's been a life changer/ruiner, Karen.

I suppose I should give it a shot. I'm unsure how sustainable it is based on the processed crap we eat on the shelves as that's what is so readily available. It's called Plant Paradox diet. The Alkaline diet also makes sense. Alkaline foods are low in acidity. I'll just have to knuckle down and stop being lazy. I'm good at complaining and bad at action.

What kind of specialist are you seeing? Do you know if it's Type I or II? I'm crossing my fingers and toes for ya.

One day at a time is so tough for me for some reason. I would like to think I'll get some kind of relief soon. I do know what's bothering me now will be replaced by something else very soon. Sad, but true.

Thanks for listening and for reading. I get on a roll and am always long winded.

-smooth

I had to look it up, too. LOL.

Oh, his type annoys me. I hope he lets you a get a word in. My GI doctor is that way, too. I think he's a jerk... usually. One reason I'm seeking another.

Stress can do some crazy things to the body. Are you in America? One would think that a less stressful lifestyle would be exercised, but money is always the bottom line. As you probably know, Type II can often be treated with diet.

Well, as I well know, it's frustrating not to be able to enjoy anything... even if it's as simple as fruit. For a period, I thought there was nature's sugar and then added sugar. I don't guess there's a huge difference. Sugar is sugar. I suppose "all things in moderation" is good advice, but c'mon. It's fruit! I'm frustrated for you.

Nice work on your cooking. That's good advice from the doc.

Well, it's going to all kill me one way or another. Leave it alone and die (maybe not that dire) or pay out the behind until debt is up to my eyeballs.

My Pristiq was cut in half because I think it was making me mean. If memory serves, I tried Abilify. My Xanas usage has increased. As depression went down for a period (via TMS), anxiety ironically went up. My psychiatrist wants me to try the Buspar, but I'm going to start it this weekend.

I forget what the NP for the TMS doctor said in leveling out. Honestly, I think I miss the placebo effect of the daily grind and that machine tapping my noggin.

Thanks. My memory is so cluttered, I almost have to go re-read what I said already. Sigh. Perhaps tomorrow will be better.

Trina,

Yeah, I've been round and round and round with it! I win battles. It wins wars.

I forget which med it was, but the psychiatrist prescribed something and it freaked my GI doctor out. That said, the medication was immediately stopped/altered. What you said definitely rings true. As part of my TMS, I'm encouraged to continue the antidepressants as well as weekly therapy with some cognitive behavioral therapy sprinkled in. I could try taking it with some yogurt. Are you aware of any articles or studies online that support this? I don't doubt you, but just want to know more. I could always Google I suppose.

LPR sounds miserable. I've heard of it, but am not the least bit educated.

The diet recommendation sounds good. Avoiding all those makes sense. Sadly, a good rule of thumb is to avoid anything super tasty. lol. As I was telling Karen, I'm supposed to try Plant Paradox. Looks miserable. And who knew meat was so acidic? Not I.

I do some cognitive behavioral therapy, sometimes on paper... sometimes in my mind. Helps a little I guess.

I agree. No one can help me, but me. I'm the person that offers to be the sounding board, because so many say, "I could complain, but no one would want to hear it." I think you have to vent or you go nuts, you know? I talk to my ex and she mostly just complains, which weighs on me some, but I guess I get out of my own head for a few minutes anyway.

Thanks so much for writing.

sending peace and strength.....and my compassionate thoughts.

Welcome bobalouie2

welcome to the forum. Please find time to read the forum rules and guidelines, top right of screen. We are glad you joined us.

Trina

theHT
Thank you so much!

boba
I've had psoriasis, but realized this morning how much worse it could be. I saw a lady in the parking lot from just a minor distance and was trying to figure out the status of her arm. It looked pretty eaten up with it. I started losing my hair around 19 or 20 years of age and it took me a long time to accept it. Denial for the longest time was experienced.

I very much appreciate Rodney Dangerfield and I think about him regularly! On social media, I recently saw a link with him in it regarding how we feel every day of the week. So funny! I'm going to go order Caddyshack oonline I think. It's been too long!

Keep plugging, my friend!

Sometimes I get sooo down...looks like the derm dr appt. will be needed. My rectal fissure is a true pain, won't heal since Sept. 2017. Pain in the butt, I've lost over 20lbs which is one good side effect. Then I developed psoriasis in and around buttcrack. oh man, Don't want to lose much more weight though, BMI ok now...Really changed my diet, yet skin is not as clear as I thought it would be. My main complaints, going bald, (I've had, get this 20 surgeries to fix bad HT's done by the old chatty Kathy plug method of the early 80's. I've spent about 30K on hair the past 30 years and still have crappy obvious HT hairline. Then have severe psoriasis, ht's cover some of the scalp psoriasis at least. I've lost both my brother and sister in the past 6 months, brother to opioid OD, sister to suicide by gunshot to the head age 56 (she had drug problems too). Had root canal yesterday after a 1700.00 crown a yr. ago, 1225.00 for root canal which he said may or may not work. Can't afford to lose more teeth. Can only chew on left side where RC was done. Taken about 10 diff. antidepressents over the years. On Seroquel now..helps me sleep best. One good thing, I have this little 2 mo. old kitten we adopted yesterday sitting on my lap. She is so content just to be with me. Makes me feel like I have a purpose again. She is so tiny, I named her Mitzi. She is a perfect gold tabby. It's so nice to have a living sweet thing to love you and not judge you that has complete trust. I have a purpose and she is taking my mind off the things that make me depressed..at least enough. Hugs to all the Depressed people out there....Boba...

All these celebs committing suicide..just goes to show you, money, and fame do not make one happy and stave off a true case of depression. I am really going to miss Anthony Bourdain's show. Reruns may help. I felt like I knew him with his easy talking style. As far as ending it all, I can see why people just can't deal with a large number of health issues that no amount of money can change. Both my bro and sister ended it all the past 7 months. Can't believe I'm the last of us kids left. After awhile they must just give up and feel life is no longer worth living. I've felt that way at times, right now I'm not at that point. I've got a granddaughter age 18 mo. and a grandson age 4. We are going to visit them for his 4th b-day celebration. Got him a Lego set from the Toys R Us liq. sale. Sometimes I get so down at night bec. that's when the med issues flare worst. Nights w.o. sleep get soooo long. The itch builds, the butt hurts and aches like thru your whole body. I feel sooo inflamed all over. Makes me want to just scream!!! Then I hold my little new gold tabby kitten Mitzi and all seems better. She slept with me all night I think last night. I feel so lucky to have her. What a blessing and purpose she gives me. Well wishes to other going thru challenges of depression. Thanks for sharing or listening. Thanks, Bobalouie2...

Laura,

Thank you. Please forgive the lateness of my reply. One pretty much HAS to joke about that because, sadly, there's some truth to that saying. "That tastes good. Uh oh!"

I guess some acids can be good, but I don't know as much about it as I should, either.

Best,
John