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Depression or something else?

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Depression
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Posted 2/20/2019 1:19 AM (GMT 0)
Hi everyone,

I am new to this site and have lived with depression or whatever it is that I have, for all my life. I am now 60. Over the years I have been to many doctors. Tried medication. I have never gotten any better. I have been told over and over that I have depression. Some said dysthymia. When in therapy there has never been a "plan" for me. Like, diet, medication, positive thinking, cognitive therapy. It seems I just talk and talk. Most of the time I am in the office trying to figure myself out so I can tell the therapist, in the hopes that they will help me, not trusting that they will get it right without my figuring it out first. I go into therapy trying to be honest, with the purpose of leaving nothing unsaid. I must say that sometimes I feel that I am being totally honest about my thoughts and moods but, what I believe is my problem changes over time. I then beat myself up for not even knowing if what I think and feel is even real. I worry that the therapist will hate me too. I am so weary.

One of my continuous thoughts that is definitely real is that I have severe self hate and body shame. The only peace I have found in my life (although I know it is shallow), is when I look good. I feel that people talk to me and treat me as a worthy person. Looking good has gotten me through relationships, it has allowed me to have friends for a bit. I was even married for a long time and then had a boyfriend I lived with for 10 years before the the self hatred/depression overcame me and I proceeded to wreck the relationships with my insecurity. I am now seriously considering plastic surgery just to be able to tolerate myself for a little while longer. Like I said, I am 60. Hopefully I won't have to bandaid myself through life too much longer. I do not believe I fit the profile of body dysmorphia (I research every angle of my personality hoping to figure out why I am so miserable and of course came across body dysmorphia). BD is when people do not see what others see. I do, I know I am not horribly disfigured, I just need to look good because I have nothing to offer inside me. I also continuously think of everything I say and wonder if I come off as odd and not likeable. It is strange, or maybe not, that I find myself now hating people because of what I think they think of me!

This is a rather long and self serving post but I am hurting horribly. I am tired of hurting. I am tired of making it hard on my children. I am very, very lonely. I do not want to be single for the next 20 to 30 years. I have no friends. I am sick of looking in the mirror and having this wave of self hate come over me. I am tired of looking for help, I am tired of reading everywhere that there is help for me when there never is. I feel like I am being tortured, I can't find any peace. I find life a cruel joke, the thought that I won't have happiness in my life and then knowing I will die is the worst torture I can think of. Why is there even life???

The reason I titled this post questioning the depression diagnosis is that I have this self image issue. Yes I have other symptoms of depression but the overriding theme in my problems is this body image. Is the depression a result of the body image problems or is it depression that causes the self hate? Maybe if I could figure out what the hell I have, I could move towards fixing me.

Any thoughts is greatly appreciated.
Posted 2/20/2019 10:44 AM (GMT 0)
Hi and welcome.
Just from reading your post I sense the negative thought tape is on loop.

I feel that the positive experiences of your self are only one sided....and from what you have said in your post, this makes sense.

People who see you all done up see this, but do they really see you....the suffering you have and ate experiencing is very difficult and I feel that your insecurity of self in being seen by others in a less done up manner will cause them disgust, in your eyes. And thus your mind goes on the immediate defensive.

This is process is the mind protecting itself because the prolonged manifestation is seen as true by you as the mind reinforces it.

My suggestion is one of a desensitization approach. Those people who are your friends are only seeing a projected self, this self we believe to be true for overall happiness via others and self is gratifying, but alas, the depression stems from the delusion of what is truely real, in mind thought and body

BD is a complex condition and only qualified practioniors should be utilised. Just know you are in a supportive community here, we care. Others will pop in. You have been brave in posting, keep being brave. HT.
Posted 2/20/2019 3:23 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for replying HT. I am not sure how desensitization works but I will research it!

I know that using appearance as the only basis of my self esteem is not the way to go but it is the only relief I ever get. I want to meet people and if I look abnormal I won't even get the chance to try and show that maybe I have something worth offering inside me.

I am trying to reach out but, as the lack of response to my post shows, I don't think others relate to me. I just feel like I am abnormal even in how my depression is expressed.

Again, thanks for your thoughts and ideas.
Posted 2/20/2019 3:30 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Long4Peace,

Don't get discouraged if you don't get responses right away. This forum is kind of slow lately, sometimes people just don't post when they are struggling. But you will get more responses. In time...

You are very brave to post.. Remember that. It takes a lot of courage..

To me looks are superfiscial. I can't spell it. It is what is inside a person that matters. Kindness matters the most. I am sure others will agree. Don't beat yourself up. Try to stop the self hatred. You are a good person and that is what matters. I hope you can see that. Though I do understand what you are going through.. If only we could see ourselves as others do.

With that being said, I hope your day goes well. I have therapy today. A long drive through the snow.

Hang in there, I am glad you found us.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 2/20/2019 9:50 PM (GMT 0)
I am with Karen, looks to me are not important. I am a fat bald turtle. 🐢
HT is the happy turtle. Your mind is in conflict with the self. You, your psyche etc
And old sign off signature of mine is, be you, be true and love you. HT
Posted 2/20/2019 10:38 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you for responding.

I know that looks don't matter to most people. I don't want it to matter to me either. But, for instance, it doesn't change the fact that on days when I am in an okay frame of mind and I go somewhere, like the store, and I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror my day is wrecked. I feel unusually ugly. A feeling of shame and self hate comes over me. It is so bad I go home and just forget about whatever I was going to get. I go home and cry. This has been going on for a very long time. It is torture living in a body and mind that you hate.

I read, research, listen to any advice offered to me. I can't figure this out and neither can any therapist I have seen. The best I can come up with is, most people are content with who they are. Most people have something to offer others. I have nothing. I don't know why I came to think this way but I do. I am tired of it. I have been told it is depression. Which brings me back to my original question, is it depression or something else? I think perhaps I fixate on looks because maybe it is something I can change. I need to connect to people, I am sooooo lonely and if fixing my looks will get me someone to talk to and maybe someone to love me even a little, I will do it because I can't seem to get help with my mind.

I do really appreciate everyone's thoughts. I still after all these years hang on to the hope that something will be said to me that will click.
I hate that I feel this way, I logically know better. It does not stop the horrible feeling I get about myself.

I am crying (as usual). I seem unable to express or figure out my problem.
Posted 2/20/2019 10:39 PM (GMT 0)
oh and not sure how to fix "mind in conflict with self". I will research!
Posted 2/21/2019 6:51 AM (GMT 0)
Your mind is in conflict with self,.... with your body, and feel about it, from exoeriences that attribute to this. When looking good, you feel good, attract and your mind says, yes this is good, however when you notice yourself, in a mirror the negative elements of bd are saying to your mind bad things.

I think an element of looking good, and just being everyday...are two seperate elements but more positive experiences have given you a boost....and maybe less on the everyday mode. And because it is avoided, this may be a consideration.

Tears are not bad, they are healing. My compassion I send you. This has and is hard, but know that we care. Everyone, (you) have gifts and talents unique only to you. Your awareness and reaching out is putting you onto the healing path.

My suggestion is supportive desensitization... I mean trying the everyday mode in small doses. Like meeting someone or people without having to be totally done up.

Just some thoughts. HT. Excuse mistakes...vision issues.

Post Edited (theHTreturns...) : 2/20/2019 11:57:42 PM (GMT-7)

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