Feels Like I'm Trapped in Hell

So I made this account just to post my story, because I have nobody else to talk to. I'm falling apart and I'm afraid to go into the next day. Life seems more like an ordeal than anything. I should probably explain what got me to this point.

I recently got out of college, and I've been unable to find a job, which is really frustrating. I went into Vet Tech school, but despite getting my certificate, and having an internship on my resume, I still can't get hired. But that's only the beginning of my problems.

about two years ago, I started having an existential crisis that I don't think I've fully recovered from. It started with the death of one of my cats, while I was living away from home, which hurt me pretty hard. I've always been close to my pets, so when they die, it always depresses me. But then, I don't remember what kicked it off, I just started thinking about things, and how they don't last. Then it hit me: Nothing lasts. My pets will grow old and die, and pretty much none of my possessions will last. Video games will wear out, game systems will wear out, Dvds will wear out, and yet I'll still be alive. And it just adds up and makes it impossible for me to enjoy anything.

Another thing is the loss of shows and things I enjoy. A lot of my time is spent on writing fan fiction, reading it, and stuff like that, since I don't really have any friends. My favorites are the Marvel Cinematic Universe and My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (Yes, I know, I swear I don't jack off to it). The latter in particular really surprised me. It's one of the most creative fandoms I've ever seen, with stories, artwork, music, freaking everything. But it's approaching it's ninth season, which I believe is confirmed to be it's last, and people will move on to other things. There's an entire website dedicated solely to fan fiction for that show, and once the show's gone, how long is it gonna last? I've started obsessively downloading every single story I've added to my favorites, but it's taken up over 130 MB, and I don't know how much room I'm gonna have left. Plus, I've seen things like this, which makes it feel futile. People will stop making these wonderful things and forget about them, and the videos and stuff will vanish from the internet. I also try to drown out my anxiety by watching stuff on youtube, like the Nostalgia Critic and Game Grumps, but then my brain reminds me that eventually, these creators will stop creating. I don't know what's gonna happen to their stuff when they're done, but I'm betting they'll vanish from the internet eventually. Yes, I know it's pathetic to get upset over stuff that's so trivial, but that's all I have.

I'm already in therapy and getting medication, but it doesn't help. I don't have any friends, so there's nobody to talk to. I don't see the point. And I hate the philosophy that something is beautiful because it doesn't last. All that does is leave me with cruddy memories of wonderful things that will never come back. Even death doesn't feel like an exit, because I'm afraid of whatever comes next. I'm agnostic, because I've never had that inner feeling that God existed, and I couldn't discount the experiences in other people. But now, my brain won't let me stop worrying about it. Because if there's no afterlife, there's no chance to ever meet my loved ones again. I guess reincarnation wouldn't be so bad, because I wouldn't have memories of the things I've lost, but again, there's no guarantee of that either. My biggest fear is that when you die, you just go to a bottomless black void where noting exists, you can't see, you can't feel, and you can't move. Just alone, for eternity. Even worse is that I can't make myself commit suicide, because my ***** of an older sister and I are pretty much all my mom has, and even in the depths of my despair, I can't make myself hurt my family. It's like I'm in a living hell, and there's no alternative. I don't know what to do. I need help so badly, but I don't see how anybody can change my circumstances. God, I'm so lost...

HI Crash5,

Welcome to the depression forum. The sad thing about life is death. Things do end, animals do die and so do people. Though I do know how you feel. I lost a beloved pet in May of 2018. It was sudden as she had a heart attack... IT was real hard on me. She wasn't that old and she was healthy. I ended up getting very high blood sugar levels and I think that the shock was part of it. So it effected my health. Things like that do happen. And it makes you feel like what is the point? I have since got another pet, but I still miss the one that died.

Since things are expendable, it is good to have more things that you can enjoy. I guess what I am saying, is realize that things do come to an end.. Move on to others.

Thinking too much and worrying about the future takes a toll on us. I would suggest learning to be in the moment. It really helps to cut down on the worrying about the future. This takes time and to learn. I would talk to your therapist about living in the moment.

I hope you find a job as a vet tech. Keep trying. You may have to look farther from your home. It is a wonderful job to have.. Working with animals. Animals live in the now. Most of them do anyway.

Keep posting, others will reply. Give you some ideas as what to do to make life easier. A lot of it is in our minds. Just takes some training. I hope you feel better soon.

Hugs, Karen...

Welcome to the forum

I get what you are going through.

I have always had dogs. I have 2 now.
My 30yr marriage broke up last year.

However, at some point we all need to made a personal choice.
Do we enjoy the life we are given or not?
Life is tough all on it's own. Why make it more difficult for yourself.

Your choice of careers is wonderful! Try not to give. Keep sending out resumes.
Write a cover letter copy your resume and drop them off at every vet with in 30 miles.
They will keep it on file til they need someone.

I wish you peace and strength
Trina

I apologise - I should never say things like I'll try to reply tomorrow, as I always forget :-/

With the vet degree I can only recommend keeping on plugging away with your job applications. My ex sister in law got a biomedical science degree, but she worked full time as a waitress for a couple of years afterwards until she got an entry level job. She has since has an incredibly successful career within her field, but yeah, it's that initial step which is by far the hardest. In the meantime maybe consider taking any job for now? It will look better on your CV and give you up to date references.

As for the existential crisis, I hate that nothing good lasts forever either. At a societal level I'm depressed and even despairing about what is happening to the UK. After the horrors of the 2nd world war there was a genuine desire to create a better society for everybody, hence the creation of the NHS, welfare state, etc. Now the desire for a better society has completely gone and the remnants of what's left are under severe threat. Like, why can't humans create a decent society and keep it that way permanently?

Heck, even the universe will eventually one day die. Mind, our sun, and thus the earth, will long be dead before that happens. I mean, we've got a few billion years to go before we need to worry about it, but depressing isn't it? Genuinely nothing lasts forever, not even the universe.

Don't worry, I do mourn the loss of much smaller stuff too. I mourn the loss of old forums that I used to be a part of, friends, etc. Other people seem to move on so much more quickly than I do, whilst I'm left still sadly missing what was for years. That said I don't really worry about losing video games or DVDs. The format might change but there will always be a way of playing your old video games and movies.

But I do have a problem with adjusting to change and loss. I don't do it easily, if at all.

Anyway, rereading your entire post again I wonder if I underestimated the extent of your depression. Your current therapist doesn't seem to be helping, so, if possible, I would change them if you can. A change of medication might help too. I sometimes think depression is the hardest thing in the world to treat. The things that protect against depression - a supportive social network, the sense of having a meaningful life - can be impossible for the depressed person to find. I think you would benefit from having a couple of real life friends but if you're too depressed to socialise, where do you start with that? It's not easy.

Going back to the job, if you can't find paid work then volunteer work would be a lot better than nothing. It will force you to meet with and interact with people. The depression will tell you that it's a waste of time, that it's not doing you any good, etc. Persist with it. There will come a day when your mood improves (if nothing good lasts forever, so does nothing bad) and you will feel the benefit of working or of being amongst people.

Okay I'm tired and have rambled probably way too much, so will shut up now. Hope you do come back and see these replies. Best of luck.

There is an author Albert Camus’s his book or thought provoking.

I think one or two from the library may help to change the negative feelings into a more grateful(?) View of life.
Peace
Trina