newbie in denial, looking for support

 hi everyone,

  Just here to introduce myself...  Where do I start???!  I have been feeling down consistently since my early teens, I'm 24 now and can't take it anymore.  I've always felt that I should be able to fix myself myself, but I have tried to get better by will power and I keep finding myself back here... I realise now that I've been in denial, I've always thought that the label "depression" was thrown around on anyone and that doctors will just be pill-pushers... but if anyone is depressed it has to be me.  That would explain what I feel is so wrong with me.  I feel like I am trapped in negative thought patterns, I've self-diagnosed myself to death but I still can't get out.  I feel like I'm failing, I am terrified that I will never amount to anything with my life.  I procrastinate with everything, and have been in and out of university, changing programs so many times, I get so frustrated because I just can't pick something and I feel like I've wasted my time and that so many people around me have things together.  I worry about my choices so much, I keep going back and forth, "what if".  Recently I decided to move across the country to study where I knew barely anyone.  I thought I could just buil;d a new life but now I'm wondering if I'm just always running away from everything, like I think that happiness is waiting for me "out there" and I always have to be moving to find it.  My boyfriend has recently asked about my drinking... I binge drink sometimes and this time I blacked out completely and was freaking out on the street.  I ffel so empty sometimes, sometimes so hard to get out of bed, what's the point to anything?  It even makes me feel worse to wake up in the morning and see the sun, because then I HAVE to get up, and I know I won't get anything done, and then I feel even worse for that.  SOmetimes I feel worthless and that my future will never work out.  I cry alot and my boyfriend just can't understand why I am crying when I can't even find a reason.  I feel that if I tell him that I may be depressed why would he want to be with a mental person?  I'm scared he'll leave me, but that's my own projections, nothing to do withhim... he's just so positive all the time, he can't relate and I guess that's why I'm spilling everything out here.. sorry if I'm ranting.  Mabye part of me also thought I was depressed as a natural reaction to living in a f*&ed up world... and what's the point of medicating me if the problem is the world??

I have started to see a coulselor and I have an appointment with a doctor to diagnose me.  I am terrified.  I have always thought I could do this with out meds, I'm scared of what they might do to me, the side effects.  I'm scared the doctor will just perscribe me anything, what can they know about me that I don;t?  But it's been almost 15 years now and I don't know where else to turn.  I live in canada and I don't know how I would pay for psychologists, I'm a uni student stressing out completely.  I feel so indecisive all the time... I am always tired and have such a hard time waking up... I guess I just needed to get this out with people sorry if I'm ranting.  Thanks for reading,

Nadia

thanks James,

I really appreciate your reply and think that it's so true that I have to stop worrying about the future so I can finally start to enjoy the present...

Hi Nadia, I can relate to *everything* you said. I live in Vancouver and I'm 32. I didn't get help for depression/anxiety until I was 30, and I wish I had done it a lot earlier. So be proud that you are recognizing you need help and are doing something about it. I've been through it all too... the binge drinking, drugs, never being able to finish university (having another go at it in September), wondering what was wrong with me, why couldn't I ever get anything done, feeling like a miserable failure all the time. I thought I could fix myself, or else hoped it would just go away. My ex-boyfriend was the same way... always positive and could never understand why I was always crying and couldn't get out of bed etc. By the time I turned 30 I had a complete breakdown and now, 2 years later, I'm still trying to recover. So I think it's wonderful you are getting help *now*! Taking medication (I take Effexor XR 75mg per day, and sometimes 20 mg of Celexa too) really did help to ease the tension. I thought the world was really f-ed up too, and while that may still be true, counselling and medication has made life more tolerable, if that makes sense. I really encourage you to stick with the counselling. It has really worked wonders for me (by trying to combat those negative thought patterns). I still have bad days, but now I have the tools to deal with those days (although it's still up to me to actually *use* the tools - sometimes I just want to give up - but we have to keep plugging away at it). Exercise is really important as well - I know it's hard when you can't get out of bed, but just even going for a nice walk is so good for you. You have nothing to be ashamed of - there's so many of us out there - and you *can* feel better. I hope this helps even a bit :)

  Hi Bluepixie,

 It makes me feel so much better to know that there are people out there going through the same thing... Before I admitted to myself that I might be depressed I just thought that there were a lot of things wrong with me, and I couldn't figure out why or how to change my patterns and behaviour.  Although it's scary to feel like you have this 'condition' I guess it's better to finally have something that explains everything and to stop feeling bad about being 'lazy' or 'oversensitive' without knowing why...  It's funny because I am from Vancouver too but have just moved to Montreal for school and am really questioning why I feel the need to do these extreme changes, like I can't be happy in the place I am, I have to find it somewhere else, I've realised that because now I find myself wondering if I should move back...  Plus the -25 weather doesnt help! 

I hope things are looking up for you, one day at a time... thanks