Lost and don't know what to do

Hi and welcome. Sounds like an intervention is needed.
By pass your dr, and have a chat with psych services for options, plans and supports. It aint always an admission, but an option for stabilisation. Wherever you are on this planet, call supports are good. In Australia, my neck of the woods we have lifeline, beyond blue etc. Your local psych team may also do some video chats as well. I do my psych consultations via zoom.

Yes, not worthless nor useless. Strong, especially for reaching o0ut, this is the strongest step. Keeping busy helps, i do mosaics. Please if SI happens, please call for an ambulance. Keep reaching out, lifeline has in the past been a lifeline for me, and admissions when i have needed them. Please....speak to trusted people, clergy, a nurse, support is paramount at this time. Pls try and not isolate.....this is when spiralling happens.

Your insight shows that you know what is happening etc, we understand this, we get it and it shows your reaching out, and you have here. Your bravery in posting here is recognised.

Depression is a battle, best faced with many warriors, here warriors are around- and some professional warriors, the ones who help, they are around, but are found by accessing the system. Having a chat with your local mental health team or associated you can have an intake assessment to work out the best supports and treatments.

You are a precious being of this earth, with gifts and talents unique to only you.
Keep strong.
HT

Well, it’s good that you reached out for help. It sounds like you’ve been trying and that’s good.

I was in your situation many years, before you were even born, and I pretty-well messed it up. I had not been taught any self-reliance skills, and have come to realize I was “gas-lighted” by my mother, who was abused as a child so she was out to destroy me like someone had destroyed her.

So, there I was at 27, depressed but did not know what to do about it for I was used to everyone solving my problems for me, but there I was alone in a town away from my family, standing in the middle of my apartment trying to figure out a problem for the first time in my life.

I knew to call a psychiatrist, but to block out the correct solution, I came up with a “good reason” not to do that saying, “Well, which one in the phone book are you going to call?” So I didn’t call a psychiatrist which was negative thinking and put me in line with what I had been taught for years.

So, I just waited around until I had a nervous breakdown, which was negative, which is where I thought I deserved to be.

So, I think it’s good that you’ve already seen a psychiatrist and tried an antidepressant.

But then you say, “I can't deal with things well, I am struggling to stop crying and when I am on anti-depressants I just feel worse and even have attempted ******* * ******* ** *****. So, I have come off them, but now I am feeling bad ... but at least not lethargic.”

When I took my first antidepressant, it really helped. How many have you tried? Lethargic?

Yeah, I probably am. But medicines have side effects and when my depression lifts (I'm bipolar), I can see that the benefits outweigh the difficulties that medicines can cause.

Were you raised in a negative household? CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy)
can go hand in hand with treatment and medicine.

I read in a column where this woman said, if you believe at the start of a problem that you can solve it, it increases the chances that you will, for your mind will start looking for solutions. If you think negative, that you aren’t going to solve it, your same mind will start looking for ways to lose, because you told it to do that.

So, now I say to myself before going into a problem, “Think positive, think positive, think positive.” My conscious just told my unconscious what to do: look for a solution, like try another medicine or CBT or increased socialization, or exercise or a combination.

So, is your dx depression? Does it run in your family? How many antidepressants have you tried?

Post Edited By Moderator (BnotAfraid) : 10/5/2021 8:53:13 PM (GMT-6)

Hi and thank you everyone.

Sorry about posting the ****word, I was really feeling extremely down at the time and I didn't really think.

I have been hitting a few issues with trying to deal with this depression. I am going to put them in bullet points because they are easier to type trying to be more structured.

1) Depression has run in the family for a while, and I suffered depression and mood swings a lot when I was a younger. The way to deal with it was punishment, and telling me how I was wrong. This is the age I am from sorry to say.
2) Extreme emotions have always been a struggle for me, but usually the techniques and ways to manage them have been able to control that, but it isn't the case much any more
3) I have been on a number of antidepressants, however most of them have really negative side effects, the worst of them being the **** word. The least is the situation where I feel like I can't do anything any more. While not on the antidepressants I am creative, and able to do some of my art, etc... when I am on them, I just can't be bothered to even eat some days.
4) I am on hormones (HRT) and I have argued over and over for them to do tests to make sure my hormonal balance is correct, but they keep telling me they can't do that, and it makes no difference. So, right now, I don't know if the HRT I am on is causing a lot of the issues. Though I know it isn't causing more, it could help explain my inability to handle and manage my mood swings.
5) I have asked for therapy and right now, it appears the only option I have is to find my own. The cost in NZ is pretty high for therapists, and it isn't covered by medical insurance. I am told I am not an "urgent enough case" to be seen by the public health system. Which is funny because ever tests I have done, and people who I have spoken to, state that I have Serious/extreme depression. This includes doctors and hospital physicists that have seen me when I have had my emergencies.

@getting by - thank you I have bought the book and listening to the audible of it. Started reading/listening to it already.

@Tim Tam - not that young :P was born in 1973 :D
I think I have answered a lot of your questions above, but I have been around the block with a lot of stuff that were supposed to help me, but so far none have helped, and my depression is probably now into the 10th year and scarily enough it is getting worse

I had been there and done that in the "these are going to help me" and "this is the right thing to do" but the solutions have not improved things at all. So thinking positive is pretty much something I have done over and over - and it has gone far past the stage where positive thinking is just so hard (so very hard) to manage.

I have reached out multiple times and I feel I keep getting shoved aside and just given the same things over and over, even though they have proved not to work.

Thank you all for your help and support :D

You said:

“I can't deal with things well, I am struggling to stop crying and when I am on Antidepressants I just feel worse and even have attempted ******* * ******* ** *****. So, I have come off them, but now I am feeling bad ... but at least not lethargic.

mayoclinic.org says:

“Most antidepressants are generally safe, but the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) requires all antidepressants to carry a black box warning, the strictest warning for prescriptions. In some cases, children, teenagers and young adults under age 25 may have an increase in suicidal thoughts or behavior when taking antidepressants, especially in the first few weeks after starting or when the dose is changed.
“Keep in mind that antidepressants are more likely to reduce suicide risk in the long run by improving mood.”

In your most recent post, you mentioned mood swings 3 times, so I’m wondering as a bipolar myself, if you could be bipolar.

You said, “Depression has run in the family for a while, and I suffered depression and mood swings a lot when I was a younger I suffered depression and mood swings”

And, "So, right now, I don't know if the HRT (hormones) I am on is causing a lot of the issues. Though I know it isn't causing more, it could help explain my inability to handle and manage my mood swings.

And, “Extreme emotions have always been a struggle for me, but usually the techniques and ways to manage them have been able to control that, but it isn't the case much any more”

And, about hormone treatments, “Though I know it isn't causing more, it could help explain my inability to handle and manage my mood swings” with mood swings being one of the side effects of HRT, the net says.

So the question might be, with mood swings and depression, do you have bipolar? As a bipolar myself, I take Lithium as a mood stabilizer to help control the mania and I take Mirtazapine antidepressant for the depression.

Mayoclinic.org says the signs of mania can include: “Abnormally upbeat, jumpy or wired; Increased activity, energy or agitation; Exaggerated sense of well-being and self-confidence (euphoria); Decreased need for sleep; Unusual talkativeness; Racing thoughts; Distractibility; Poor decision-making.”

You said in your first post: “So, I have been suffering from depression for a while, multiple things have kicked it off, but now it is mostly that deep feeling of being lost, alone, empty, and just bored with life.” Bored with life sounds more to me like mania than depression, which I never was when I was depressed without medicine.

You add about anti-depressants, “The least is the situation where I feel like I can't do anything any more. While not on the antidepressants I am creative, and able to do some of my art, etc... when I am on them, I just can't be bothered to even eat some days.” That to me is closer to mania.

You make a very valid point when you says that antidepressants don't help your depression. What is your dx? You said that ran in your family, so did anyone there get help from a medicine?

As for positive thinking, I’m not talking about feeling good about have a problem, I’m talking about feeling good about your chances of solving it.

I’m not talking about changing your personality. The only thing you have to change is your thinking when you have a problem, as in: “Think positive, think positive, think positive” as I consciously give my uncon. permission to come up with a solution and I will not consciously veto it when it does find a solution. That’s 5 seconds worth of change and it’s the biggest change of my life. Other than those 5 seconds, I can go back to being myself.

One problem at a time, and be positive about solving that problem.

Thank you.

So, a bit of an update

I have told my Doctor I want CBT and that I would like him to identify people who can look into this

I have also told my doctor I was correct blood tests to make sure that my hormones are not off (since I am on HRT) and he has finally agreed to the blood tests. I am not confident if that will find anything, but it is required to remove any doubt I have that the things that have changed there are not impacting me.

I am also reading through the material suggested here... and some other stuff... to learn from them.

I don't want to feel this way.