Might be depressed. Not sure.

As a bipolar (manic-depressive), I’ve had the depressive cycles.

Signs of depression, according to the mayoclinic.org, include:
• feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness
• Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters
• Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities, such as sex, hobbies or sports
• Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much
• Tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort
• Reduced appetite and weight loss or increased cravings for food and weight gain
• Anxiety, agitation or restlessness
• Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or self-blame
• Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things

Do you have some of those?

Again, as a bipolar myself, is you go into a psychiatrist as depressed, he or she may label you as depressed, when you may be manic-depressed.
If they give you only an anti-depressant, it can throw you into mania and possibly anxiety attacks.
For bipolar, they can also give you a stabilizer such as Lithium which can keep the anti-depressant from throwing you into mania. As a bipolar, I’m on the anti-depressant Mirtazapine. I’m on the stabilizer Lithium.

Signs of mania, mayoclinic.org says, include:
• Abnormally upbeat, jumpy or wired
• Increased activity, energy or agitation
• Exaggerated sense of well-being and self-confidence (euphoria)
• Decreased need for sleep
• Unusual talkativeness
• Racing thoughts
• Distractibility
• Poor decision-making — for example, going on buying sprees, taking sexual risks or making foolish investments

Do you have some of those?

Inability to hold a job, that’s me as bipolar. I once cried in front of my psychiatrist, who was rather mean, and she said, “Aw, you’re just depressed.”

You also mentioned "anxiety" about which mayoclinic.org says:
• Feeling nervous, restless or tense
• Having a sense of impending danger, panic or doom
• Having an increased heart rate
• Breathing rapidly (hyperventilation)
• Sweating
• Trembling
• Feeling weak or tired
• Trouble concentrating or thinking about anything other than the present worry
• Having trouble sleeping
• Experiencing gastrointestinal (GI) problems
• Having difficulty controlling worry
• Having the urge to avoid things that trigger anxiety

Have you ever been to a psychiatrist?

You need your feelings validated too. Do you see a therapist? It really helps by talking to a professional. I am sorry about your grandmother. It is hard to lose somebody to cancer. Maybe she will be a survivor.

Try to take things one day at a time. Learn about breathing exercises and maybe even some meditation. both help me.

Hugs, Karen...

PS 30 is still young. I am 63 and I am not ready to stop yet.

IT WAS MENTIONED GRANDMA IS DYING FROM CANCER.
SENDING PEACE.

ASPERGERS IS COMPLEX ENOUGH, MY BRO LIVED WITH IT.
SENDING POSITIVE THOUGHTS, READING BETWEEN THE LINES I SORT OF GET IT, MY BRO FACED SIMILAR. WITH SUPPORT THINGS WILL IMPROVE. HT
CRYING IS A SIGN OF STRENGTH, NOT WEAKNESS. ALLOWING A SELF RELEASE WILL HELP YOU A LITTLE. HT

You said, “Not guilt exactly, more shame I suppose. Wishing I could have shown her more to be proud of before something like this happened. We've been very close, she has been an extremely supportive presence and I wish I could have rewarded her for it better.”

This reminds me of part of a family history I did not long ago. The album follows the houses and cities our parents used to live in as well as we three children when we were growing up.

I did alright with that until I got to the last house we were living in as a growing up family, right after my sister had gotten out of college and there I was in college about to go out on my own. It was our last house together with any semblance of a growing up family, my sister and I and our parents, and that was only for some weekends for a year or so.

When I got to that part of the family album, I wrote, “Here I’m taking a detour from this photo album and doing the same thing (drawing a play road map as I did as a child). I’m looking over that long road we traveled as a family. We enjoyed the trip, Mom and Dad. Thanks for all you help along the way.”

Except that was written years after they’d passed away. And I realized, I never told either on of them that when they were alive.

So, that kinda goes along with your saying, ““Not guilt exactly, more shame I suppose. Wishing I could have shown her more to be proud of before something like this happened. We've been very close, she has been an extremely supportive presence and I wish I could have rewarded her for it better.”

That’s an age-old feeling. You said that here in 2022. In 1986, a teenager when asked the question, “What is your dream?”: “To be a millionaire. To make my father proud.”
To the same question in 1877, a teenager replied: “To one day be the joy of my parents.”

So, that is probably innate.

When my wife was passing with cancer, she had told me her childhood stories since I met her. Well, here she is sick with that. I didn’t want those stories to disappear. So, I asked her one more time about each of them. And she told me. After our talks, I would go write them up on the computer.

"Sensitivity is not a weakness but a strength."