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Does anyone feel their relationships/jobs are short lived due to depression?

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Posted 3/11/2006 11:46 PM (GMT 0)
I feel that way a lot.  I am 44 years old, and the only thing I feel I have to show for it is two college degrees.  I have never been able to maintain a long-term relationship or to cope with the stress of being in a relationship, have no children or husband.  My longest job I have ever had is 2.6 years and then I was laid off in October (or I would have probably retired from the company).  In my twenties I was not on medication for depression and I would go from job to job. It was either that the job itself was not for me, or problems with a co-worker...or perhaps any excuse - most of the time I felt unhappy and lousy, but for some reason did not know about medication in the 1980's and fearing I would be stigmatized if I attended counseling.

Same scenario in my thirties. I even moved from state to state "searching" for happiness which never materialized - I finally realized that happiness comes from being at peace within and approving of myself..yet I still failed to get on medication from fear of it and side effects. I finally got on medication in my early forties and I actually found that I enjoyed my job and my co-workers.  Amazing what medication and counseling can do.  Still, I have not had much success in my life such as jobs or relationships.  My longest relationship lasted a turbulent and stormy 1.5 years and that was back in 1997 (while I was depressed and not on medication or counseling).  I am wondering if anyone can relate or feels the same way.  I feel at times my life has been a waste (or that I have wasted it) due to this awful disease.  Even now, I still worry "what if the med poops out on me, what will happen..will I have to be hospitalized again for severe depression..will I lose my job, etc".  Not a way healthy way to think, but I am working on positive thinking and not too worry so much...and have faith. Thanks for listening.

Post Edited (Rianna) : 3/11/2006 4:51:41 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 3/12/2006 2:15 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Rianna -

I can relate. Since, I graduated from college in 1998 I haven't held the same job for longer than a year. I've lived in four different states (all within the same year). I've never married and have no children (I'm 31.) I've been engaged twice and have never had a relationship that has lasted longer than 1.5 years. I'm glad that I haven't "settled for second best", but I'm also sad that I still haven't found my soulmate. I'm grateful that I paid my own way through college and have recently earned my Master's. I bet you're also grateful that you have two college degrees - there aren't that many people who do!

I have never tried to blame depression for my choices. I just figure the best way is to live life is by having no regrets. But, I would say that living life would be so much easier if I wasn't depressed. But, right now I'm unable to seek any medical help. So, good for you for having enough courage and stamina for seeking treatment! :) May I ask how you overcame your initial apprehension?
Posted 3/12/2006 6:33 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Sadsong,

I guess there came a day, when I felt enough was enough and decided to see a social worker/counselor. I figured I would not be so anxious if it were a social worker instead of a Psychologist or Psychiatrist. I also read several self help books and I feel that also led me to the decision for counseling. Lately, I have been having problems with generalized and mild social anxiety and have thought about going back to family center - it is state sponsored and they charged me a sliding scale fee (since I was not working or had any health insurance) of $5.00 per session. Also, being on antidepressants motivated me to go in for counseling. I felt good enough where I could work on "me".
Posted 3/13/2006 12:32 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks for sharing Rianna. It sounds like you're on the right track - "positive thinking, not worrying too much and having faith". Hang in there. As far as relationships go - I'd much rather be single than be with someone who isn't right for me. As far as the job thing goes - I've held some pretty interesting ones that looking back I can't believe I was hired for - but hey - they paid me, I learned new skills, and got to travel quite a bit, which was the best part. I don't mean to pry (and you don't have to answer if you don't want to), but are you currently working? 'Cause I know when I was laid-off (twice within 6 months) it was hard to stay optimistic.
Posted 3/13/2006 9:37 PM (GMT 0)
YES, Absolutely, without a doubt. I've never had much of a problem with my jobs partly because I owned my own business for many years. Relationships on the other hand are a whole different story. I've never had much luck with any relationships. The friends I did have disappeared when I sold the business. 

Posted 3/14/2006 12:57 AM (GMT 0)
No. I haven't felt this way before. It's unfortunate that our emotions/medical conditions can have this kind of adverse effect on our lives. Life is so tough sometimes. We also have to be tough and stand up to it. We can't let stress win the battle.
Posted 3/14/2006 8:16 PM (GMT 0)
I can relate to this site. Yes I can't keep a job. Either I get laid off or I can't put up with the co-workers. And I too have been in having all these problems.
Posted 3/15/2006 12:08 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Sad & Angry, ChrisHaney, EDF1956 for your replies. I am relieved to hear I am not the only one. I wonder if there are any support groups out there for those of us that have trouble maintaining jobs and relationships, stress, etc. My problem has always been impulse control. I get stressed at work and upset, and then I do things I later regret like quitting. I haven't done this as much as I used to when I was younger, but I still have a problem with poor ability to cope in stressful situations or a crisis. Sadsong, you had asked me if I was working..and I am not at this time. However, I seem to be getting called a lot for interviews..have been fortunate enough..where I can always get jobs (but then again, I work in customer service jobs, very easy to find)..but keeping jobs is my problem.
Posted 4/14/2006 6:14 PM (GMT 0)

Hello there,

I am a fairly new member and have been looking through the topics, I am replying to yours because I can relate.

I too have two degrees and trades papers(chef's) I am working and have been in my last job for two years(second longest time, first was  six years). I find that in my job I am always frustrated either by co-workers or situations.  There are days where I feel like I just want to get up and walk away from my job.  Unfortunately for me I don't know if I am this way because I suffer from depression or if this is apart of my character.  I am described as a thoughtful, hardworking and caring individual at work, but generally I feel frustrated, anxious and definitely under appreciated.  I am on a combination of Wellbutrin and Prozac and yet I still experience frustration and anxiety(have clonezapam for the anxiety, but am trying to wean off).

I would have to say in all my jobs I have felt the same way, at first I thought it was the people and the job, but I think my allowing myself to get worked up over things is a factor too.

Does anyone else experience this?  I am in a position now where I want to quit, but at the same time desperately want to learn some coping mechanisms to make my work life more enjoyable.

As far as relationships go, I never really had any as I had very low self esteem, and was extremely shy.  I gained more confidence when I left home and attended University.  I actually met my husband through a mutual friend, at the time I was stabilizing from a very low point in my life, I initially did not tell my then boyfriend about my depression for fear of rejection, however he often tlaked of a friend who had depression, so one day I figured well he might as well know, because then he can decide whether he wants to sign on or off with the relationship. Fortunately for me he stayed.  I do have to say that I think my husband is a very very patient man, i don't think any man could live with someone experiencing depression, especially since there are days and times when things are good(my mood) and there are times when there are not.  I think that he doesn't often understand how I can go from one to another mood so quickly, and I know it is frustrating for him, and I in turn feel guilty and wish that I could be more normal for him.  However by communicating with him and explaining what i am feeling he finds it easier to deal with,rather than if i just clam up and withdraw.

I know I am lucky and very fortunate to have found this person.  I hope that it helps to know that there is hope for relationships in spite of suffering from depression.  It is not an easy road, but it is definetely worth fighting for

Posted 4/14/2006 11:25 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Blue Lagoon, I really enjoyed your post and found it very inspiring and helpful. I am so glad you have found your soulmate. I wish I could be as fortunate, however, I don't know how long it has been since I have even been asked out on a date. Have tried all venues..internet matchmaking services, singles dances, church, speed dating to no avail. I live in the Midwest, and it is very family oriented, and it can be tough on singles here. Most people are married, and it is hard to meet singles. Thanks again for sharing.
Posted 4/14/2006 11:44 PM (GMT 0)

Hi There Rianna,

Glad I could help.  I certainly consider myself fortunate.  The search for a partner seems to be universal.  I listen to a local radio station that recently discussed this subject.  Alot of the listeners indicated that they too didn't know where to look for companions.  They had pretty much tried the same venues as you mentioned.  Some did say they had success with the internet(more than any other venue).

Some people indicated that single people need to 'stop trying so hard' and to  sit back and relax, and that someone will come along when they least expected it.  I know this philosophy used to drive me batty, it is the last thing a single person wants to hear.

In my case I never really thought I would get married.  So while I was high school I decided I was going to study hard, so I could complete a decent level of education that would allow me to obtain a job that would allow me to be self sufficient.  I never was one of those ladies who thought she would marry to have someone take care of me.

In this day and age, I think men (and I may be way overgeneralizing!) want a partner who can take care of themselves, so that all the pressure of supporting the family does not soley reside on them.

I know I could have functioned on my own had I not met my husband, but I definitely appreciate my husband on those days when I am not at my best.

I will say before i met my husband I had gone on a few blind dates, and by the time I was introduced to him I was not really expecting anything to come of it as the previous blind dates had not produced any spectacular results.  So I was rather non chalant about the whole thing.

I do wish you luck.

Take Care

Posted 4/15/2006 2:45 AM (GMT 0)

Rianna,

I just stopped by and I'm so glad I saw your post.  You prompted me to become a member only to reply.  I have only recently accepted my depression, although it has affected me as long as I can remember.  

Until  ...well tonight... I've always denied my depression, actually, I just didn't recognize it for what it was.  I am not sad all the time.  I don't cry in a darkened room for months at a time.  I don't hate myself.  I think I'm kinda good looking. Just kidding.  I'm not particularly angry... Other's would say I'm alway's happy (in fact I've been nicknamed sunshine and smiley)  I would say I'm pretty even keeled... (90% of the time) My husband would say I'm unfeeling-no ups or downs.  But, I do get anxious sometimes.  My pattern seems to work as such.

I get miniscule amounts of anxiety everyday.  I can lose the anxiety by going for a run, having a bath, doing puzzles, small repetitive tasks, taxes, busy work etc... keeping my mind occupied.  At more anxious times I can become passionate about a new  project, immerse myself in something new, get a hair cut, new outfit etc... change focus.  Failing that, I try to take on more and more responsibility keeping myself so busy I can't think... I start to run three times a day (and I hate running).  My 'care of self' starts to deteriote, I don't eat because I don't have time.  I get used to the extra tasks or responsibility I've taken on and they don't fill the 'mindspace' they used to so... I take on more.  This is where I can cycle for a while. 

But... sometimes it works differently ... My mind stops working I look at a problem and can't see a solution.  I look over a page three times and don't read a word.  I ask people to repeat themselves again and again and still have no idea what they said.  I have so many things to do I don't know where to start... so I do nothing. I'm muddle headed and can't concentrate. I try to rationalize my anxiety and frustration. I lay it on unrealised dreams, dissatisfaction with my life or whatevers close. I get frustrated and end up lying on my bed because I can't decide what to wear. It's in this quiet unthinking time I'll say to myself 'man... I'm tired.  I should kill myself' to which I reply 'that's the best idea you've had so far'.  That's when the calm comes... And I'm in trouble... 

Now this overview was quite a clinical 'looking back' view of what happens.  When I'm living it however, it feels a lot more desperate and turbulant.  I've been following this pattern for years but only realised last october.   A big change is the best way I know how to 'save myself'.  A big move, a different job, a different boyfriend is the way I prefer to get out of my 'rut'.  I run away from everything and everyone in an effort to run from myself.  I'm desperate to change this. I run full tilt never looking back to say goodbye, or thank you to anyone I leave.  They'll write/email/phone and they'll go unanswered.

Now that being said. I have been able to maintain a long term relationship (been married almost 5 years now).  All of my relationships before this maxed out after 3 months. We met and married quickly (This is probably why we beat the 3 month hump).  He married me forever and he won't let me go easy.  I've had my bags packed many times (I had tickets for Sep 11-My husband is the only one in the world glad that the planes hit). There is only one way out of this marriage.  Our task is to stop me taking it early.

Now, I have maintained this relationship however we've lived in 5 Apartments and 1 house in 3 different provinces accross canada (We're currently negotiating another move) we've owned 16 different vehicles (our current vehicle is up for sale).  I'm always starting new projects. I am a presently a stay at home Mom of 3 (4,2,1) and we foster two others (3,1) we recently got a puppy (a Newfoundland - he's 4 Months and 60 lbs easy).  I am in a slump at the moment but I'll fight through it (or die trying).

Lastly, a relationship of 1 and a half years is nothing to sneeze at.  Also, I have to admit, I am rather jealous that you have completed two degrees.  I left mine 3/4 finished 5 years and 6 moves ago.  (Sometimes it's helpful to know someone envies)

Thank you for posing the question. 

Posted 4/15/2006 9:34 PM (GMT 0)
Honey,

Thanks for taking the time to post and share your feelings. I was curious - do you think you may have ADHD as well as anxiety/depression? Have you ever tried medication for relief? I am no expert, but there were several parts in your post that made me think you may have this. I also have a friend who left her degrees unfinished, as she could not concentrate, also asked people to repeat themselves, as well as racing/muddled thoughts and frustration. The Doctor diagnosed her with Adult Attention Disorder and put her on Ritalin, and now she is able to concentrate and is going back to college to finish her degree and pursue another degree in Criminal Justice. I really appreciate your thoughtful reply to my post, and am glad that you have posted on here! Welcome! :-)
Posted 4/16/2006 1:51 AM (GMT 0)

Actually Rianna,

ADHD is something I've never considered.   You may have a valid observation.  I've only asked for help when things are to 'heavy' for me to manage on my own (ie. I'm suicidal). So I've only ever spoken of depression.  Do you know if people with ADHD can become suicidal?

As for medication I was on celexa briefly to get me out of a slump and I got really tired.  Then they switched me to Effexor. This had some sexual side effects and my skin crawled every time my husband touched me.  I quit cold turkey (bad idea) and had an awful withdrawal.  I'd rather not do that to my body again.  I silently hope that I can kick this on my own.

Thank you again for giving me something to think about.

Honey

Posted 4/16/2006 3:09 AM (GMT 0)
Rianna,Im so glad you brought this topic up. I have felt bad for years because I could never keep a job for very long. My longest was three years. I was made to feel worthless because of this. Now I know that it was because of my social phobia,anxiety and depression. I cant work any more Ive been disabled for four years now. But it has helped me alot to know that Im not the only one that has had this problem.Thank You and God Bless You!


~Wanda~
Posted 4/16/2006 10:31 PM (GMT 0)
Honey - your post concerned me, because depression is a real horrible illness that can't be snapped out of or "kicked on your own". It is often a chemical imbalance in our brain, and the chemicals need to be balanced with medication to feel good. If you are suicidal, please see about checking yourself into a hospital, where they can monitor you, and put you on the right medication and give you a proper diagnoses, whether it is depression, ADHD, Bi-Polar, etc. There is no need to suffer when you can get on the right treatment program such as inpatient, outpatient, counseling every week and medication. It does not mean you are weak and there is no shame in asking for help. Keep trying, and don't give up on medication. I know I did it alone without meds for twenty years, and I look back and wondered why on earth I did that to myself..I suffered needlessly and thought of suicide every day..hated to even look at myself in the mirror. I then tried all the SSRI's and I too had the sexual side effects, and they numbed my emotions. I almost gave up on antidepressants, until I had a horrible reaction to Cymbalta, and I admitted myself to the hospital. It was a very humbling experience, but the best thing I could have done for myself. That is where they put me on an older Medication..Remeron. It has no sexual side effects, and is very well tolerated. There are different classes of antidepressants out there..such as Tetracyclics, MAOI's, Tricyclics, etc. I am sure you will find one that works for you. Wellbutrin also has very low sexual side effects. I have a friend on it, and she said it has actually increased her libido. Please don't ignore your mental health - you have too much to offer, and I don't want to lose you! Thanks again for posting.
Posted 4/16/2006 10:37 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Wanda,

Thanks for replying to my post. I am glad that this topic came back up again, because I have been thinking of applying for disability. I hope you don't mind if I ask, but did it take them a long time to accept your application? I have heard some bad things about applying for disability..that it takes a long time (over a year) to get accepted and many times they deny it..and then people have to get attorneys, or go to court, etc. I have lost (quit) four new jobs in two months, because I have been having panic/anxiety attacks during my training period! I can't seem to get through the training period before falling apart. This has never happened to me before. I am not sure what happened to the confident and outgoing person I used to be..and instead of being excited about new jobs, I fear the training and learning curve. I may have to get a job that is very easy with hardly any training or learning curve. It is a shame, as I have a college degree, yet now, I have to apply to jobs that pay only about $8.00 or $9.00 an hour, because of my anxiety problem.
Posted 4/17/2006 3:02 AM (GMT 0)
Rianna, Im sorry to hear that you are going through so much, especially since you have worked so hard to get a college degree.Anxiety is a very hard thing to live with,it effects your whole life. I have to be honest with you about disability. I originally applied for disability for anxiety and depression. I was denied twice, because they said that although I have suffered with this for many years, they didnt feel it was severe enough to qualify(can you believe that).I couldnt even keep a job because I had it so bad. I did get a lawyer, but during the process of trying to get disability I had a heart attack which led to bypass surgery. I finally went to court and got disability for my heart condition, but not anxiety and depression. It took me three years to get it. Im not trying to discourage you from trying to get it. I would continue to try if I were you. I have heard that it is very hard to get for anxiety, but not impossible.It can be a very long process for some people, but others are fortunate enough to get it right away.I wish you all the best, and please dont let this discourage you from trying. I felt I had to be honest with you though.Good Luck to You!


~Wanda~
Posted 4/17/2006 11:21 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Wanda, Thank you so much for letting me know about disability. Do they take taxes out of the check (Federal, State, Social Security, etc)? Does it come out of Social Security? I wish I understood more on how it works. If I get disability..would that come out of my social security that I am supposed to get when I retire? Very confusing stuff..lol. Thanks again for your support. I am sorry to hear about your Bypass surgery. How are you doing now? That must be awful. I sometimes think I have been lucky not to have one, because my cholesterol is so high (277), and I can't afford Zocor right now which I was on for awhile. My Dad has heart disease, and has had two heart attacks and three bypasses, so I worry a lot about that.
Posted 4/21/2006 6:20 PM (GMT 0)
Rianna, Im sorry it took so long to respond. I think the best way I can help you is to give you the name of this site to help answer your questions. I hope this will help you. Im sorry to hear about your Dad, I hope he is doing well. I dont blame you for worrying about it, I would get my heart tested occasionally if I were you. Just to be sure, I didnt know anything was wrong with me until I had my heart atttack. Not trying to scare you I just want you to take care of yourself.

www.medicare.gov
Posted 4/21/2006 7:35 PM (GMT 0)

Hi, I can relate to this too. I have not been able to hold a job for more than 3 years. And I know it is because of the depression. And that was 5 years ago, since then I have not been able to keep a job for more 6 months. And I feel lousy. The last one I left because I couldn't cope with the stress. But now I regret it.

I am on Cipralex and that doesn't seem to help very much either. I don't like the dr. I go to. But I have been changing them so many times that I can't get another referal.

Right now without a job I suffer from anxiety too. And I am worried all the time.

Posted 4/21/2006 11:17 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Hope3 - thanks for the Medicare.gov site. I will look more in to it. Sad and Angry, I too am not feeling that great..I don't know if the Remeron is pooping out on me (I am already on the highest dose), but the Psychiatrist (who I don't really like either) I go to increased the Klonopin because I can't handle the stress (from my anxiety) in learning a new job, and have had to quit the last four jobs I have been at. Perhaps the increase in the Klonopin is making me depressed, because both the Remeron and Klonopin are very sedating. It is very embarrasing that I have had to quit jobs, because my chest gets so tight and it starts to burn, and I end up having a panic attack during training. I don't remember having problems like this before. I could always learn difficult jobs with a steep learning curve..I would get a bit nervous, but nothing like I am now. I am applying now for "easy" jobs..the money won't be that great..maybe only about $12.00 an hour..but right now, I feel I just can't cope with these jobs with the steep learning curve and stressful situations with irate customers (I work in customer service jobs). Today I went for an interview for a very easy job..I guess that is what I have to do for the time being. Have you tried applying for disability? I am thinking about doing that if I have a panic attack at my next job.
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