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Posted 6/2/2006 10:07 AM (GMT 0)
I can't concentrate at work. I feel like a crumbelling wreck.
I can't even complete some basic tasks. I feel like I am choking and falling apart. I have had minor depression for about 18 years and have bouts of major depression, this one has been going on since October. I just don't know how I can cope. Every day is such a struggle. I have spent weekends shattered, distressed and in lot of pain.

I wonder if it's because of my career choice but then I wouldn’t know what else to do. And I know that what ever I do I will have this blockage. it's like I have this voice in my head saying I can't do this. It's happened before, seams to be a pattern in every thing I do. I don't even think I am any good at anything. I start off ok but then it goes all wrong and I deteriorate to the point I can't function anymore. I only get so far in something and then hit this wall. I get distracted, then go in to a panic and choke. Every time. What is wrong with me, I can't function like this anymore. I could end up jobless and homeless. I've never been career driven but to feel so miserable all day, every day. I even dread it when I go to sleep at night because I worry about what I won't be able to do the next day, to confirm the realisation that I am hopeless and a waste of time. I can't get my head round or understand anything, not able to finish anything, or do such a crap job. I have never had much confidence but I always have felt that you should have confidence if you are successfull. Everyone has to feel some purpose in life but I don't feel I have one.
nou
Posted 6/2/2006 10:39 AM (GMT 0)
sorry I just felt the need to continue my rant ...

Everyone has to feel some purpose in life but I don't feel I have one. People always say that if you have a passion then you would get more enjoyment out of a job, but I don't really feel anything for anything, even outside work. I just think what's the point in anything. I look at people who have energy to do things in complete wonder. I just don't understand.

I really don't know what I like doing, I don't feel like I get any pleasure with anything, I just somtimes do things because I should, but it's like going through the motions. I force myself to do things. Even having dinner with friends, I keep a brave face but all I want to do is run away and hide. I have socials at work but i have started to avoid them as I just want to disapear. I was on a hen week end a couple of weeks ago and I feel so uncomforatble with being around other people, it was actually painfull. I felt like a scared animal trapped in a cage to be in the same room as others. I become really clumsy and timid, and I think others can sence that. I wouldn't be called shy, I am actually friendly and have mad and effort but I feel I can't do it anymore, I have no energy and don't see the point it anyof it. I have started to avoid people at work and friends, it feels like too much hard work, and I worry that the people work hate me and that friends will reject me.

I go to exhibitions with my boyfriend in hope that I get out of the house to fight it but then I feel intimidated, inferior and useless because I feel I should have an opinion on things but I just don't know anything anymore. Seeign shows or exhibitions should open your mind, but mine is not letting anything in. I feel like a non exsistent object. I just feel like I want to go to sleep untill this life is over.
nou
Posted 6/3/2006 2:03 AM (GMT 0)
It is hard to face many of the challenges that we face in life. What are you doing to hlep overcome your depression?
Posted 6/4/2006 4:51 PM (GMT 0)
I strongly agree with atedogs, you seem to have a very deep kind of deppresion. i was like you except that i liked video games and i used to spend log times on it, with time that game overtook my life. when i am not playing the game i feel every thing around me is useless. and all activities are useless.

and thanks to the meds + counseling i slowly recovered, step by step. you should deal with your deppresion as you deal with any kind of sickness like flu or anything , you must see a doctror or a psyc as soon as possible.

good luck to you

Regards
Akram
Posted 6/5/2006 8:16 PM (GMT 0)
I have been on Efexor for 6 years, I started to come off them slowly last august but may have been part of the reason for feeling like this, I have started to take them again, trying a lower dose so see how it goes.

what I feel gets me down is that where ever I go I'm a mess, I always seam to cause a disaster. I jut feel that I wouldn't want to employ me so why would they. I just don't know what I have to give other than hassle. I wish I could feel slightly decent in my job so maybe I would feel like I had some purpose. Every day I want to just quit but then I have been here before where I have been so negative I would be a mess in interviews and all I can do then is hide in my room for months. My mum says that I should stick it out as it will pass but it has gone on for months now and I'm not sure I have any hope in getting better.
I am having a trial with some therapists this week so will see what happens.
nou
Posted 6/9/2006 1:06 AM (GMT 0)

It may be that your psychiatrist will need to wean you off of the Effexor onto one or a combination of the many alternative drugs.  I was on Effexor for eight years after a major depression in 1998.  It worked well for several years, although I'll have to say I didn't gain the full realm of feelings back. Late last year and early this year I dropped into a major depression and have been away from work for 3 months, trying various inpatient and outpatient treatments, including several weeks in a "behavioral hospital".  The effexor seemed to lose its effect during this time and we tried several combinations settling currently on lexapro and wellbutrin.  (Also had 11 ECT treatments).

Each of us of course have our own individual experiences and responses to treatment.  My point is that your psychiatrist, if well qualified, should have numerous possibilities, and it often takes time to get to the right mix.

Don't give up hope nou71!!!  The depth and insite displayed in your comments is an indication that instead of your current view of "hopeless and a waste of time", you are instead certainly well worth the effort. Many of us suffering from depression feel that we are going through the motions and unable to function effectively at a myriad of things.  However, I have made a comeback somewhat from the bottom and you owe yourself the time with a good psychiatrist.  Keep your head up and know that there is good reason for hope!!!

Posted 6/11/2006 10:25 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Nou,

I have been wondering how you have been doing since your last post. Have you been able to find a good Psychiatrist? Never give up on your emotional and mental well being. You are worth it, we all are. Depression is a disease and it is very treatable. Hang in there..stick it out until you find the right med. If one doesn't work..try again..if that doesn't work..keep trying..but never give up. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you will find something that works..you will see. You may also be going through some anxiety (depression and anxiety often go hand in hand) and perhaps your Psychiatrist may put you on a short term benzo (such as Klonopin or Ativan) to help as well with your concentration. I know that the Klonopin along with my antidepressant has helped me concentrate and be able to finally work again after several months off. Try to see about FMLA/disability leave at your job..Human Resources has the papers and you just file a short application and your doctor or Psychiatrist can fax in a note to your job that you are not well to due major depressive disorder. You will get paid for your time off (usually it is about 66 percent of your paycheck, but at least it will be something until you can get yourself sorted out). I had to do that, and was the best thing I ever did for myself. I was able to get on disability and get paid for the two weeks, when I was hospitalized for depression and severe anxiety last september. Please keep us posted.
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