afraid to hope

t feels like every time I dare t let myself think my life may work out something else comes along to pull the rug out from under me  I wont get into my four year saga of downward slide a small medical problem followed by a series of personal and professional disasters If I didn't remember being a happy person I would think this failure is normal for me.  I'm not on meds fgighting it because I honestly can't afford anymore medications with money as a big stresser for me being unemployed -- well temping councelling is out of the question even on a sliding scale it's more than I can afford.  Every time I think I've bottomed out I manage to slide further down all my efforts are futile and I'm too tired to keep holding on for no reason when I know it just gets worse.  Not suicidal but I woulds like to make it through one day without wishing I were dead.

Tarsier
I'd be afaraid to NOT hope...and likely, you can get some meds at no cost. The drug companies have programs to give some people with low incomes meds at reduced cost or even free. Also, since you are unemployed, you may be eligible for gov't. assistance, such as medicaid. You should call your local mental health association and tell them your situation. They may also have some ideas for you. If I were in your shoes, if push came to shove, I'd check myself into the mental health unit at the hospital, via the ER. Public hospitals have to treat you regardless of ability to pay. Of course, the ER would be the last resort if all else failed. You have to reach out to get help. It is out there! :)
janet

Hi tarsier,  everyone has given you some excellent input here, I just wanted to add on to it briefly.  As Janetlee said, most of the major drug companies that make antidepressants now have programs in place where if you are below a certain income bracket you can become eligible to get their medications for reduced cost or even free.  As for counseling you also have many options even if your financially not able to pay.  One way is that a lot of churches offer counseling for free that isn't centered around religion.  Another is the samaritan center also can help pick up the costs of counseling and sometimes even help pay for medications if you meet a financial criteria.  You can call your states Department of Mental Health and as for information on this or go to Division of Family Services who can also give you a list of agencies in your area that help out people/families who cant financially afford these services.