Trying to find courage & strength

Hi all,

I was on here a few months back, but my computer broke.  :(  (I'm visiting my brother and using his computer while he's at work.)  So, I'm not sure how often I'll be on or how often I'll be able to check messages. 

Right now, I really miss the support and strength that the folks here gave so freely, especially from you Els.  I really miss feeling like I was a part of something positive.  I guess I'm fumbling through my life, trying to feel connected to others.  But, the sad truth is I haven't felt comfortable or secure enough to take that step, to open up, to reach out, to strike up a conversation.  It's as though there is an auto response programmed into my head and I can only smile and nod and say something rehearsed, which would be considered a "safe" answer in any situation.  Rather than say something that would be anything remotely close to what I really think.  (Which I don't even usually come up with until after I walk away from the situation and really think about the conversation.) Does that make any sense?

I guess I'm having a hard time trying to find the real me, she seems to have gotten lost along the way and I miss her.  I don't really like this fake person I've become and I really want to be someone who is able to be herself and be able to speak her mind and not feel guilty doing so. 

Hi ya Sadsong!  It is funny that you wrote as I was just thinking about you and wondering if you were doing okay.  I have missed seeing you on the forum and have come to think of you as a friend. I think I understand how you feel.  I have pretty much stopped talking to all my other friends except for one, and sometimes I don't even answer my phone when she calls.  It almost seems as if I don't have much in common with others or maybe its just me projecting my feelings onto them, who knows.  But, I don't open up either and talk to people and if someone does go out of their way to start a conversation with me I am always at a loss for words...like it is forced and fake.  Then I have to worry that they can tell and mistake it for being snotty or thinking I'm better than them.  Really it is almost too much energy to spend and waste. I don't know what the solution or answer is.  Maybe it is within ourselves and once we heal and work on get to being better with us than it will be easier.  I hope. Please do check in with us when you can, you will always be able to find support and encouragement here (as you well know).  You can also e-mail me if you want to, my address is below my username. 

Hi I'm new but I like it here already.  The people on this forum are really nice and understanding and they are willing to help others with the same problems that they have.  And for me it makes a big difference in my attitude. Especially these last 3 days.  I hope to talk to you more and get to know you more.

Hey all,

Thanks for responding Els. I tried sending you an email directly, but it may have ended up in your junk box, since you've never received an email from me before! :)

Oh, and thanks for asking about my folks. My dad is getting better, he's gaining weight which is good. He's up to 131 lbs. now. My mom is also gaining weight, but that's bad, since she needs to lose weight. :( She's gotta be back up around 231 lbs now. When I was home I cooked dinner for them both. My dad is a really picky dinner and won't even try anything remotely healthy for him, which eliminates all fruits and vegetables! While my mom practically eats everything in sight and has at least twice as much as my dad consumes. Agh!

I feel as though I'm suppose to take care of my parents now, but they are only 58 and 59 respectively. They should not be having the kinds of health problems that they are experiencing if they ate properly and got some exercise! Grr! But, what really has been troubling me lately is that since I don't have any friends where I currently live I've been relying more and more on my mom for my emotional support, but that's just not her strong suit. So, I keep getting let down and feel even more isolated, since I don't have a good support system. Plus, since I don't have anyone around here to talk with and I try to talk to my mom and it doesn't work (she'll just start nagging me about "When am I gonna get grandkids? I want grandkids.") I just keep hearing all of her negative comments like a broken record in my head. (Oh, and just for the record, she's been saying that she wants grandkids for the past 16 yrs and still doesn't have any. Besides, I'm not dating anyone right now and I've never been married.)

But, enough moaning. I really need some good advice on how to find a good therapist. I called my insurance company today (huge step for me) and they gave me a list of psychologists that I could see in my area, but I have no idea how to pick one. (I saw a few really good ones while I was in college, but they were easy to find, since they worked at the college!) I have a pretty good idea of what I don't want and a pretty good idea of the kind of environment that I feel comfortable in, but does anyone have any suggestions on the types of questions that are appropriate to ask over the phone and/or how to even start this kind of conversation with a potential therapist? The last time I tried something like this it didn't work out at all and I'm a bit hesitate to try it again.

Muchas gracias in advance! :)

Hey Shell,

It's funny you should mention using a computer at a local public library, because that's exactly what I've been doing! :) The library here in town is a first come first serve basis that residents can use for a certain number of minutes per day, so it's not as much access as I once had, but it's a huge improvement over not having access at all!

After being away for a while, I've become to realize the importance of this forum had for me. I mean I really look forward to posting and feel a huge sense of relief when I hear back from folks who were having a bad time a day or so ago. But the thing that really keeps me going is the potential of helping others on here. I used to do all sorts of volunteer work, I was pretty close to joining the Peace Corps at one point, and now that part of me seems to have regenerated and started to make me feel like I was part of something productive again. It's really a wonderful fringe benefit, to be able to help others out when they are in need. To be understanding and offer some suggestions and recommendations to someone who has struggled with similar things that I have also struggled with. This site helps me get through the day, especially Els positive thread. When I have the time, I really try to find one positive thing that I can post on there, since I think life can be so much better if I can share at least one positive thing with other people once a day.

Hey Nickylynn -

I'm so sorry that I completely ignored your earlier post. I must have breezed right by it! This forum has been a wonderful place for me to gain insight and inspiration. I've been able to work through a lot of things by typing them out, reflecting on what I've writen, revising it, and then asking myself if that really captures what I'm currently dealing with or if I look at it from a different perspective maybe it's not really as bad as I thought! I guess it's the whole perfectionist in me creeping out. I want to make sure it's clear and concise before I hit that SUBMIT key. Although, I've been know to write quite a lot at times! :) I hope things are going well for you and when you have the time I'd love to hear back from you! :)