For about
the past few weeks I keep thinking that I wake up in the middle of the night and hurt my family, then turn the gas on and go back to bed. Things have been wierd. I think I've had conversations with people or do things and then later realize that I haven't, or I do things and don't remeber. I told my psychiatrist, but he didn't seem worried. Other than that I told him I was ok, but I'm really not. I've been really depressed and not leaving my house except to go to my appointments, and those are really the only times I take a bath or change my cloths. Sometimes every couple of days my mom will reminde me to do thoses things though. I've had voices, but anymore I wonder if it's just in my head or like a machine in my head that makes me think that. But lately I just go through the day not knowing how long it is. I do sleep alot, but I don't know what else to do. I just kinda have a wierd feeling about
going outside, it makes me feel like I'm dreaming or dead, I know it's supposed to be the oppisite though. I just watch movies and music videos or listen to music and pretend that I'm them, or all day I'll live another life in my head, but I don't relize it's been all day. But then I wonder if that was reality and what I'm doing now is a dream. My doctor told me that I've been on about
every medicine and that he'll leave them for now. But I didn't tell him about
all the things that have been going on, because he said that he thinks most of my problems are dression and are less psycotic and I thought if I told him what was going on he would think I was making it up, or double my meds. Plus I might be getting that Vegus Nerve Stimulation surgery, and they won't except you if you have alot of voices or thought so I didn't want them to think I was just saying that because I wanted out of it, because I sorta don't want to get it now. I think I did freak my therapist out though. I usually tell him alot more than my doc. because I trust him alot more. But I told him about
my angery thoughts and how I sort of think sometimes about
hurting people to see what it feels like. Or all the differant things I look at on the internet about
that and ways I read about
creative ways to hurt myself. I feel bad about
saying that because he started acting wierd towards the end of the session. Also, another reason I told my doc. that things were ok, it looked like he had the phone off of the reciever and he had TWO of those recording things, but I'm not sure if he recordes them, but I'm afraid to ask. I'm sorry about
the really long rant, I just needed to get it off my chest.
