I need help.

Hi pollyandsay, Welcome to healing well forum.  I don’t know where your from or what circumstances your facing...but, if your feeling like your going to harm yourself then you do need to get help now and by going to your local emergency room they should be able to direct you or get you admitted into an inpatient program (I am assuming this is what you are looking for?).  If your not having feelings of thoughts of self harm but are just severely depressed, as bad as it is I know, you may have to wait it out until your appointment.  I will post some hotline numbers for you, but you can also Google for support lines in someone to talk to directly that may be able to lead you in the right direction to go.  Please do post again and keep us updated on how you’re doing. http://suicidal.com/depressionandsuicide/ http://suicide.com/suicidecrisiscenter/ http://suicidehotlines.com/ http://suicidehotlines.com/international.html

Hi Polly,

Welcome to healing well. I hope you find this site useful and will help you.
I'm glad you don't have thoughts about harming yourdelf but if this does occur, please look at the helplines els has posted for you.
I think it's a positive sign that you still want to go to work. Is there anything at home you enjoy? A hobby?
I hope you manage to cope until your appointment, thankfully it isn' too long away. As I don't know where you are in the world, its hard to know where you can go and get help without insurance. I'm not very clued up about health insurance as in England, we don't need it.
Please let us know how your appointment goes. Keep posting and maybe go into the chat rooms, the members here are very supportive and sometimes its good to chat to others with the same problems.

Take care
God Bless

Victoria

Hi Victoria.

I live in Michigan. I don't have a hobby. I don't enjoy too much of anything anymore. I don't want to be around people. I have no desire to be touched.

Work is good because I put on my headphones and I get lost in my computer doing my projects. I don't have to talk to people. The only struggle I have is waking up in time to get there.

I just started this job. I got laid off from my old one in April, and I nearly lost my house. I saved it for now, by sending my whole paycheck to the mortgage company. There wasn't anything left for food, or day care, so I sent my kids to their grandparents. I miss them so much. I think I am glad that they aren't here to see me like this though.

hi polly i found this site researching for my wife who has severe clinical depression, first off , dont worry about your kids they are fine at grandma's house, but you shouldnt be alone , have you anyone to be with, to watch a movie or talk to? i know that it is hard to get going , you say you will and you might make it to the door but you cant right? but you have to push a little harder , just go outside and walk around the house, close your eyes and face the sun, once the fresh air is in you set a small goal and work on it, you will surprize yourself how you will soon forget and get busy gettin on with things, you say the house is a mess, dont concentrate on the whole house, walk around and pick up clothes, then go outside, just do little things here and there and in a few hours you will see a difference and feel better about it good luck god bless

Your wife is so lucky to have you. 

I am supposed to go see my daughter, but I don't think I have enough gas to get there.

I feel like when I am around people that they can see right through me and see all of the ugly things inside of me, no matter how hard I try to act like I am ok.  This makes me feel like a burden. 

You are right I can't make it to the door.  I can't even make it to the shower.  I haven't ate in days.  Food has no taste to it so it seems pointless. I want to reach out to someone but I don't know who to reach out to that I won't be a burden to.  That's why I looked for a place like this, hoping to find someone who feels like I do.  I'll listen to anyone if they will listen to me.

I don't think I can pinpoint one thing that makes me sad.  I honestly do not know how to verbalize why I feel the way I do.  If I had to try I guess I just feel like a failure and I feel worthless.  I feel like a rat in a maze running around in circles and not getting anywhere, and I sometimes look up wondering who is watching me and laughing at me.  I do smoke.  Cigarettes are a small source of comfort.

I took a shower and it was refreshing.  I am going to overdraw my checking account so I can get to my ex's parents house to see my daughter.  Her smile is like a ray of sunshine and I need to see it and I need a hug from her.  I don't know if she knows how much I love her and how much I depend on her.  Sometimes I think I depend on both of my children more than they depend on me.  They depend on me to take care of them, but I depend on them to keep my bearings in life.

Thanks for listening Al.  I hope your wife soon feels better.  I know it must be a comfort for her to have you there in her corner to support and love her. 

I live in Michigan.  My Dad is a pastor.  I do not attend church regularly.  I haven't found one that I like, and I stopped looking long ago.  I feel like no matter what church I walk into, that the pastor is broadcasting a political agenda, and if my ideals do not match, then I am wrong and not welcome.  Needless to say, I have not felt God's presence in a very long time.  I wonder sometimes if he is there, or if he has just given up on me. 

My Dad being a pastor is the primary reason why I do not talk to my family about how I feel.  My Mom thinks that church is the cure for all that ails you. 

My ex's Mom is the administrative nurse at a state psychiatric hospital.  I am hoping she will be there today, because I want to reach out to her for help.

Thanks again.

I am ok.  I am just busy at work.  Thanks for caring.

Polly I think all of us can relate to the the "I'm so tired I just can't function" feeling that you describe. I felt that way until I was able to take control of my life again. For me, depression was about feeling like everything was out of my control. I think you are brave and here are the reasons why:

1. You realized that your kids needed support as well during this difficult time. It took heart and courage to send them to a place they could be cared for while you get this together.

2. You have taken positive first steps by making a doctor appointment. In a world that still doesn't really understand that depression is not a mental illness it is a physical one it takes courage to get help.

3. You reached out for help by coming here. It takes courage to admit to ourselves that we can't handle everything by ourselves and even more strength to reach out.

I get the food thing, it is part of the depression. When I was first depressed I didn't know what was going on. I was worried that the food thing meant that I was becoming anoexic. I wasn't, no appetite is just a symptom of depression. What I would say about this is when you feel hungry eat. It doesn't matter what you eat, just eat. The appetite thing will take care of itself as you get a handle on your care. It sounds like money is an issue but try to keep foods in the house that are appetizing so that when you are hungry you have something that is easy to eat. For me, I also had a terrible dry mouth and I needed to be able to eat moist things so I kept lots of fruit and yogurt in the house.

I also get the failure thing. Our culture does not teach us that it is okay to need help, it teaches us to handle things by ourselves and not complain about it. When we get to a point when we can't handle things by ourselves it is easy to feel like a failure but you're not. No one goes through this world alone and we all need to reach out. You will not be a burden to those that truly value you and someday, it will be your turn to be there when they reach out. I combated the failure issue by making sure that I did one thing everyday that was positive and made me feel successful. I made the bed everyday. It sounds like a small thing but from small things can come greatness. Making the bed everyday was a positive step for me and it helped. It sounds like you already have one positive step which is going to work everday. Try to add one more positive step by taking a shower everyday. The shower you took made you feel better and that is a positive thing. At a time in our lives when everything is a struggle, the small things that we do for ourselves can create structure and a pathway to move forward. Keep visiting, keep going to work and keep reaching out. Little by little you will see your way.