feeling pretty down, kind of long post

I have had depression for most of my life, I'm 43 now and female.  I have been on Celexa and Remeron for 3 years (since a suicide attempt) and am wondering if they might not be working as well as they have been.  I am starting to have serious worthlessness and hopelessness feelings.  I have crohn's and a thyroid problem also and have ongoing medical bills that are once again piling up and I just do not have the money to pay them and do not know what to do.  My family could help but won't so I am left to deal with this by myself (I live alone and do not date), I can't even talk to my family about it.  I had to file bankruptcy almost 2 years ago so that is not an option now.  I also have an anxiety disorder and talking to debt collectors really makes me physically sick so I got caller id and do not answer the phone and am afraid I'll be sued.

I just got and excellant yearly job review and got nothing for a raise, not even an insulting 25 cents an hour.  I was really counting on getting a raise.  I work in a room with a guy who has a higher job position than me (and earns more) and he sleeps at his desk every day and my boss will not do anything about it.  I work circles around him both in quality and quantity.  Our company has very bad insurance, I have to pay $1,250 before they start to pay at 75%.  I live paycheck to paycheck.  I know I need a new job but I really hate interviewing for a job.  I have lots of confidence in my work but not so much personally and interviewing is hard for me.  Having crohn's leaves me very fatigued and I just do not have it in me to work two jobs. I am a mechanical drafter/designer and manufacturing jobs are not as available as they have been is years past so I may have to move away from my son (he's 17 and lives with his father more than me).  I know I should start looking because it will not improve where I am now.  Stressfull.

I was being seen by a doctor at the local mental health hospital but stopped because I missed an appointment because I was to sick to go and the office will not return my calls to make another appointment.  You only spend about 5 minutes with the doc anyway.  You never get a person there, only a message machine and they are always very busy.  I should be in counseling but I can't afford it because of my other medical costs.  I am now getting my perscriptions from my internal medicine doctor but it's not her speciality.

So I'm at work fighting tears and wondering what I'm going to do.  I'm feeling quite hopeless about my situation and I would appreciate any suggestions.  Thoughts of I'd be better off dead are creeping back into my head again and I can't tell that to anyone I know.  Thanks for reading this.

It is difficult enough when we feel worthless and it is all in our heads, I can't even imagine how hard it is to be really unappreciated at something you do well.  Can you muster up the courage to talk to the boss about the raise or is no one in the company getting raises?  Perhaps a career advisor could help you assess your skills and look for a better job.  I know that sounds scary but when I changed jobs I  worked with a wonderful career advisor it was a great support.  She was really my cheering section. She worked for pay but was willing to give me a scaled rate based on what I could afford.  Another suggestion might be to look into a local community college career advising service.  There are many debt restructuring services out there and some of them are free.  Perhaps if you contacted one of those services they could arrange something more manageable with your bills. 

I know it is difficult right now but you do have it within you to make it through this.  We are here for  you.