Recurrent failures

It's been a while since I've posted for myself.I have checked in and added my two cents worth in other post's. Today I had a relapse. I think it was a relapse. I started down a road I have never been on. I actually tried to " get mad " at my wife. She's been asking me for a long time to say what's on my mind even if it's not pleasent or positive. I tried it and to be quite honset it just furthered my self doubt of ever being " fixed ". She didn't hold it against me, but the entire day was spent in self evaluation and critic. I know that she is in control of her life, meeting new people, exploring new interests and generally living. She has encouraged me to develop my life as an individual to create new interests and hobbies. She told me today that I was in control of my life and that the change was up to me to guide and control. The problem for me is that all the examples I have in my life ( except my wife ) have come at a terrible price to someone. To change a lifestyle has always meant someone leaves, or someone is left. I don't believe my wife is going anywhere and I don't know how to change my own life for the better. As the " dominant" child of an Alcoholic my early years were spent taking care of my Alcoholic mother, twin brother and younger sister. I don't have an example to look back at and remember what it felt like to be "happy". I moved in to an adulthood were I was used as a pawn in a game of spite, as a financial resource and a clown to entertain my family. I don't excuse myself because I knowingly participated. After an intense first few years in the military I married and tried to become a husband and father. I just don't feel like I will ever be Fixed. I do give myself credit for trying. I am seeing a Pdoc and have faithfully taken Wellbutrin along. I just don't understand why I have to slide backwards every time I think I am solving the puzzle. It's very disappointing to see the frustration and hurt in my wifes eyes every time I "slip". I am very tired and I know that this adds to the task of working out of depression,. I was hoping someone out there has had this experience and could give me some advice.

Thanks,   

Hi IFIXIT, I agree with rybird here.  I think a lot of us concentrate of the things that have occurred and happened to us in the past, and yes, I am also very guilty of this myself.  It is difficult to wrap our minds around the fact that we can’t change what happened in the past if we came from abused homes or broken families.  What we can do is except our past as our own and learns from it...whatever there is to learn from it.  If your in therapy that should help you to do this...hopefully. A lot of us don’t have an example of being "happy" in childhood to go on but somewhere along the line you will find it.

I have always had a saying that I tell myself when I slide backwards a little and I used to tell this to my clients also..."sometimes we have to fall back a little to keep moving forward."  I think it makes a lot of sense especially when you’re dealing with depression.  You can’t expect to keep getting better all the time and improving and not have those bumps in the road.  It’s frustrating I know and we end up taking it out on ourselves more so than on anyone else. 

You said that your on Wellbutrin...do you feel that your having a problem expressing your feelings? or that it is leaving you flat?  I ask this as you said that you sat and "tried to get mad at your wife" and I know some antidepressants can make people feel unable to express certain emotions.  I felt this way on Zoloft and Luvox.  If this is the case then perhaps you should speak to your doctor about it and see if the dosage needs adjusting or another med is required.

Lastly, it is difficult for us to change our lives for the better.  I am certainly no expert on this as I too struggle everyday with this.  But for me I don’t put much faith in being "fixed" as I would think that would be a perfect person I imagine and no one is perfect.  We all have our little flaws that we live with...but the hope of being able to live in peace each day and doing so day by day is what I look forward to.  Hang in there...

Thank you all, It's interesting to me that a lot of people suggest that you need to "deal with the past' to move forward. I would love to put the past in a box and just lock it away, but I live with a person who feels you shouldn't do that. Trying to find the successful balance between these two ideas is intriguing to me. No I can't change the past. I also know that I can't apply what others did to me to my wife. An exorcism of demons is what I crave. The power is in me I just have to figure out the key's. Thanks again. Jer

No matter what anyone else says you need to do what is right for you.

I think there is a difference between "putting your early experiences in a box labeled history on a shelf in the mind" and being in denial about what happened or trying to hold it at bay like water in a broken dam. If you have tried your entire life to go with the "Box" theory and it isn't working for you, then you have to try something different or accept living this way. The Box Theory includes acknowledging what happened, forgiving yourself or acknowledging that you were not responsible, and then shutting the box. It doesn't sound like you have forgiven yourself or that you know that you were not responsible on a physical, mental and emotional level. All three levels have to be there for true acknowledgment. I say this because the box is not closed if these things continue to hurt you.

Keep in touch here,