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Posted 11/2/2006 10:27 PM (GMT 0)

  I'm in a relationship and my boyfriend always jumps when his family calls. He works with his brother then runs there for the littlest thing constantly. Everytime he goes there his brother offers him beer knowing I hate him drinking and he takes it anyways not caring what I think. He told me if he wants to visit his brother for a beer he will no matter what I say. He always wants to do things with his brother and family but for the past 3 yrs I've taken the kids camping by myself, he's always got an excuse.  Also when I first met him he mad himself sound so good, so dumb me I fell for it. He knows I'm self concious about my body because I'm short, my bodies ugly from having 3 cecerians so he told me that he's never been interested in even looking at naked women in pictures or anything else, that I was perfect and he was satisfied.  BUT I found out he was loooking at naked women on the computer and I can't get over it,I feel like everything he ever said to me was all lies. And I feel so ugly like I'm not good enough he had to look at perfect bodies because he forgot what they were really suppose to look like, I can't get the pictures out of my head I saw the photos he was looking at they were like perfect 5'7 shots of fully naked    women. Am I ever gonna be happy and find someone to want me for me. We sleep in seperate rooms because I don't want him to see me or touch me anymore. How do I know he's not thinking of them while being with me.  I feel like nothing  and so ugly, I want to leave him but I know things aren't gonna work out but I guess I still love him and I don't want to be alone.     Sorry so long.

Posted 11/3/2006 12:18 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Tinyone, Welcome to healing well forum we are happy to have you. 

You brought up several things in your post and I am going to try to touch on some on those in response to you...and I am sure that other members will post to you also with suggestions and their thoughts.

You said that your boyfriend works with his brother right?  When he is going there is it for work related things or just to hang out?  Either way, you are not going to want to come inbetween him and his family.  I would say however, that if some of the times he is up and going isnt for work related things and this is on a constant basis you may want to speak with him (calmly) about toning it down some and spending some more time with you instead.

Men no matter what they say are VERY visual creatures.  I am sure that he loves you as you have been together for 3 years.  They can look past the inperfections of our bodies especially after having kids your body will never be the same no matter what you do.  You have to know and this has to be in your mind that he isnt going to jump through that computer and grab one of though girls, he may never even find a girl that looks like that.  The further you push him away the worse this situation is going to get and it all boils down to self esteem. 

If things between you are so bad that you are wanting to leave then you shouldnt stay just because your unsure or you think you still love him.  You have invested 3 yrs into your relationship and perhaps it can be salvaged by counseling, or even just sitting down and having an honest and frank discussion with him...I dont know.  What I do know is that too many women stay in bad relationships and make themselves miserable just because they dont want to be alone and that isnt right.  Think about what kind of life you want for you and your kids and raise the expectations for him.  Then you will know if he wants to be apart of it or not.

Please do post again and let us know how it goes...we are always here...take care

Posted 11/3/2006 4:44 PM (GMT 0)

Tinyone said...

I want to leave him but I know things aren't gonna work out but I guess I still love him and I don't want to be alone.

You want to leave.  You KNOW things aren't going to work out.

Time to tell him, in no uncertain terms.  Time to develop an exit strategy and get used to the idea of raising your children alone.  Time to see if he can/will rise to the challenge.

If his birth family comes first, it's up to him to change his priority - assuming he wants to.  I've been there/done that, it's hard!  You can choose to stay and play 2nd or 3rd fiddle, with your children even further down the list, or not.  Up to you. 

Try to see yourself as the beautiful person you are - his actions do Not define you.  Better to be alone, even if you struggle financially, that to be ignored and disrespected.  Your kids need you to put yourself, and them, first - they need to see you strong and determined.

Take care ... let us hear from you.

Posted 11/3/2006 5:16 PM (GMT 0)
I can somewhat relate to what you are going through. I have had to struggle with not being first or even second on my husband's priority list as well. Your situation seems worse than mine as far as the deterioration of the relationship goes. I've sought out counselling for my husband and I, and we have come through some of our rougher moments. We're currently going through another one but we're working at it. It's tough though. And it makes it hard to believe that things will ever be really good for an extended period of time. In your case, your boyfriend needs a serious wake up call. Just because you aren't married doesn't mean that you, and your kids, shouldn't be a priority on his list. And he should care about what you think. If you don't want him going over there for a beer, than he should respect that. Once you get married or get into a committed relationship with kids, your "new" family becomes your number one commitment, not to say if mom or dad are on their death bed you'd forbid them from going to them or anything that extreme because obviously extended family is still important. And at times it's a struggle to choose betweent the two but in the daily running of life, your immediate family should be what's most important. And it is apparant that you are not and it's time for you to take some action. Sometimes giving the ultimatum or threat of leaving is enough to jar them into reality, sometimes they live their whole lives in a state of disillusion. I feel sorry for them. But not sorry enough to suggest you throw away the rest of your life on him. For your kids' sake and yours, you need to get yourself into a healthier environment. Whether you stand up for yourself and make the changes happen or leave. It's really tough. I know how tough it is. I am trying to make that decision too. But my husband is at least more committed to us than, from the sounds of things, yours is. And, y'know what, you shouldn't be ashamed of your body. It is beautiful. Perhaps not the beauty of a runway model, but it bears the marks of motherhood and they are beautiful. Do not be ashamed of them. Most of us don't look like runway models. I've put on a lot of weight in the last year or so and none of my clothes fit. Since having my daughter nearly three years ago, my body has been really distorted and it's taken some time to get used to it. None of my clothes fit and that's probably the most frustrating part. But I wouldn't change it for the world. My daughter is a precious gift and therefore so are the stretch marks!!!! It's all in how you look at things..... Do you have anyone you can talk to? A doctor? A support system? Family? It sounds like you really need some support. We are here for sure. But you need some physical support too. I hope everything works out for the best. Take care.

slowlygoingcrazy
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