Where to find strength?

Hey there -

I know that there are some people out there who have been struggling with their depression for years like myself.  I'm wondering what it is that keeps them going day after day?  I've been going in a downhill spiral for awhile, and I'm getting to the point where I don't feel like coping anymore.  I'm 34 now, and I've bottomed out a couple of times in my life, once when I was 20, the last time was about 6 years ago, when the absolute worst relationship I could ever have ended.  Since then I've used the FEAR (**** everything and run) to keep myself away from people, all the while craving some human companionship.  I do have a couple of friends and a very supportive family, but since I'm using FEAR, I keep moving, which allows me to stay away from people.  My nearest friends are in Oregon, and I'm in Wyoming.  During the summer months, I keep myself distracted by backpacking, hiking, and doing outdoor stuff, solo of course.  During the winter I've hibernated in the past.  Hibernating is much easier when you live in a large city.  This year I don't have that luxury, and so I've taken up skiing, which I do find enjoyable.

My last move landed me in a small town, working at a place where there only 4 other people working there.  Personality counts a lot, and mine isn't cutting it.  My bosses are being kind enough to me to allow me to find another job without firing me, but they've made it clear to me that I'm on a short leash, and also started the paper trail to justify terminating my employment.  I'd be screwed if that happened.  I'm looking for work elsewhere, but I now realize that I can't work in small places, because happy outgoing people do better in small places, not quiet, anti-social people.  I try so hard to play the happy role, but apparently I'm not as good of an actor as I thought.  So that cuts down my options.

For years I've been telling myself that something will change.  Occassionally I make a connection with another person, but they are few and far between.  It's like I'm wearing a "STAY AWAY!" sign on me.  I'm getting to the point where I'm thinking that something won't change.  On top of all that, I was recently diagnosed with an illness that seriously curtails my diet, which even furthers my lack of connections with others.

So again I ask, what do others do to keep themselves going?  I admire the strength of others, at the same time that I wonder what drives them.  For the last few years I've been telling myself that it is not a matter of IF I suicide, but a matter of WHEN I suicide.  I'm not in danger right now, because I've taken the proactive measures of getting a new psych to get me on some different meds, and I'm going to try counseling again.  I'm hopeful that something will change, but of course when I find a new job, I'll have to move again.  The cycle continues.

So what do you do to keep going?  What helped and what didn't?  What words of wisdom do you have for someone who is going down in flames?

Me too. It's been since 1997-1998 since I've been extremely bad. Now I'm "happy" and married and my depression (and weight) and drinking is out of control. Maggie O

i know that a lot of people on here feel the way you do, its been two years since i bottomed out completely, and although in this time i havent felt brilliant, ive felt ok. of course ive had bad days but since being put on prozac by the doc, im feeling much better.

Sometimes when im down i try to find at least one thing i still like doing (or at least dont hate!) and spend my time doing that. Also try relaxing, have a bath, take a gentle walk, treat yourself to your favourite film/book etc.

im sorry this is such lame advice but i think its difficult to explain how you get through yet another day, but somehow we do, or we wouldnt be here. I find posting on here very helpful, and reading others comments useful. i guess its just a case of one day at a time, or if thats too much, one hour at a time or one minute. baby steps, honey, dont rush yourself, take care. we are here for you any time x

Thanks to all for the helpful suggestions, and just for caring enough to respond.  One day at a time is really the only way to take things for me.  In the past, living that way helped.  It is so easy for me to forget what I've done in the past to help myself.  Right now I'm just seeing a bleak future, even though I know it doesn't have to be.  I try to use cognitive behavior therapy to help myself when I think about things, but it is so easy to just forget all that I know, and allow myself to fall into the hole.  If only I could remember that I am the only one who can make myself depressed.  Reading the posts from others who are going through the same things as I am helps me because everyone has a different take on things.  The amount of strength and the drive to survive is so strong in some people that I can't help but be jealous.  Perhaps I'll get that drive back soon.  I really hate being depressed.

Elisha -  Thank you for the links, I will keep them around, and hopefully never need them.  In answer to your question, I am on meds, but next time I see a doc, I'm going to try something else because the Welbutrin XL just isn't cutting it anymore.   I'm working on getting some counseling.  I just decided that it might time to try it again recently, and have been trying to get something going.  I live in a small town, not many counselors around, but I will persevere and get some professional help.  Thanks for caring.

Hang in there Bear, I'm right there with you. Do you have family to spend the holidays with? You are in my prayers.