Does anyone know???

Hello.

This is my very first post and I'm sure it won't be my last.

Allow me to briefly introduce myself:

I'm a 34 year old female. I am self employed and I am currently in a very shaky relationship of over a year.  

-I’ve been told by my significant other (my boyfriend thinks I am Bi-polar) that I’m generally depressing, pessimistic, and extremely arrogant. I have been known to be controlling and use sympathy and pity as a vise to control other's actions.

- I have certain moments when I feel good about life and myself. And feel free and not apprehended or self conscious to express myself to my friends, family, etc. Otherwise, I feel like people generally don't want me around, or a spotlight has been placed on my flaws.

-My sex drive is great and I enjoy it immensely, but my boyfriend thinks that the amount of sex we’re having is because I’m Bi-polar not because I want to.

-I am way too overly sensitive. I can cry on the drop of a dime especially when it comes to story's about personal struggle and perseverance.

- When people (especially my boyfriend) criticize me, even constructively, I either feel very defensive or very hopeless and self loathing.

- I come from a long history of turmoil and complete misery in my life from a child to now. Long, long story.

- I've sabotaged two prior relationships and am on the verge of sabotaging the one I have now. Actually, we are separating because of my attitude and outlook on life is very negative. My boyfriend feels like I am seriously dragging him down.

- I feel my negative energy is gaining power over others, (just as positive energy gains power) which is tricking me into feeling like I'm gaining insight, confidence and wisdom in life. Definitely a bad cycle.

- My anxiety is through the roof. I often have to talk myself back into the reality of a given situation. When others try, I shut them out or act like a crazed maniac pacing back and fourth and tugging at my hair.


-I spend a lot of my time thinking about the past. And specifically how others have done things to hurt me.

-My boyfriend feels I'm very selfish and I don't love him, desire him, or listen to him or trust him.

-My boyfriend and I are constantly bickering. Usually it's about how I'm conducting myself and how I'm lacking in responsibilities (I’m lazy, I’m mean, I don’t pull my own share of the load).

-I don't feel that I am a lazy person and that my intentions are always striving for the positive. I've tried to force changes within myself but it never seems to stick (which just adds to another layer of depression).

- I'm a mess. I need help. I know that. What I don't know is what type of depression I may be suffering from. I'm told it’s bi-polar, but I haven't really investigated some of the other types of depression. Maybe some one here can lead me into the right direction based off their own experiences/symptoms.

My purpose for this message to start the healing process. I'm not interested in using my possible disorder as a crutch, even though from time to time I may honestly do that.

Yet, truly and with all mind, body and spirit, I want to heal or at least know how to manage all these rapid mood swings. I do want to spend the other 34 years of my life in a positive a healthy light. I want this for myself and for my family and friends (If I had any) and ultimately the conscious and mind of the universe. (I'm striving to be a spiritualist)

Dear Smallsteps,

First of all, let me welcome you to the Depression Board.  Our purpose is to support each other, pass on personal experiences, and guide you in the general direction of getting help.

You didn't mention in you post if you are on any medications, or are involved in any type of therapy.  You said your boyfriend refers to you as "bi-polar".  Is he basing this on an official diagnosis or just from personal observation by others?  From observing the format of your post, it seems like you have a bit of OCD, making short statements and putting them in bullet form.  It's very rigid and controlled.  I think you have put off seeking out help for your situation, not wanting to admit to "officially" having a chemical imbalance.

Also from your post, you admit to wild swings in mood, from feeling good to bad and then back again.  This is called cycling, which is a classic symptom of being a "manic-depressive" person.  You also seem to want to be in control of every aspect of your life, which is not possible for anyone.  You also seem to cycle fairly rapidly, which is the most difficult part of being bi-polar.  You want to be in control, and swinging back and forth makes this impossible.  I can see how not being in control of this could sabotage any kind of close relationships.

My suggestion is that you make an appointment with your regular doctor immediately and give them a list of your symptoms.  Ask for a referral to a psychiatrist to get a proper diagnosis.  In the meantime, your regular physician should be able to prescribe some medication to calm things down, and get you through until your appointment with the psychiatrist.  Also ask for a recommendation to a psychologist/counselor, with whom you can talk to and work out some of you old baggage and put it behind you.  You also can work on trying to release the stress that builds up when you can't control everyhing in your life.

I hope this has been of some help to you.  Please let us know how you are doing.

Leigh Ann