First time posting and really depressed

Hello everyone, I am a 27 year-old female who was laid off in Nov. and am looking for work and spiraling into a deep depression.

I have suffered with depression all my life it seems and with all the bad things that have happened in my life, I am not sure if I will ever be better.

I have been struggling financially since I left an emotionally abusive relationship five years ago plus my inability to find employment is has me in tears most of the day and awake a night.  I spend all day every day looking and applying for jobs but can't seem to get any interviews and my bank account is all but gone, plus my last employer is for some reason fighting my unemployment.

Every year I tell myself that things have to get better but they don't.  I am so tried of just barely surviving and not living!

I have gone through a cancer scare, been sexually assualted, job loss, financial problems, and other hardships in my life and I am so tired of overcoming one thing only to be knocked back down by something else.

I desparately want some sort of relief with medication but I don't have any health insurance.

I live with my parents and hate that I feel like I am a burden on them and try to hide my depression because I don't want them to be concerned.

I am a Christian and totally feel like a failure at being one and am wondering if God is so dissappointed in me that I am suppose to suffer.

I wake-up every morning wanting to die, but yet I live.

I have no idea how I am going to be able to pay my bills next month if I don't find a job.

I am so exhausted from just exsisting and not sure what to do. 

I know I am not brave enough to ever harm myself but I feel like I will slip into some sort of insanity if I don't get better.

They say that God works in His own time but I am so tired of this limbo and the constant fear I feel inside.

I really don't want much out of life but to work pay off past debt.  I am not looking for happiness and a wonderful life, but just a life without fear and to survive this life.

Thanks for the advice ShynSassy.

Actually I got my last job through a temp agency and got laid off from the job because the position was moved to India. They haven't found me any other work nor return my calls so when I filed for unemployment the protested it by lying and saying I never contacted them which isn't true. I just got back from the unemployment office today fighting my case and even crying infront of the lady...so embrassing!

I signed-up for other places but to no avail. I am in the financial industry and only have six months worth of experience plus graduate degree in finance, but everyone wants 3-5 years experience. It is so frustrating because no one seems to want to help you gain the experience!

I am hoping that things pick-up now that most places are back from the holidays, but it is so stressful day after day not hearing back and knowing that the end of the month is coming and bills will be due.

I will check into getting help because I am starting to have panic attacks as well.

Hi Christy,   Welcome to Healing Well, I hope you find the site helpful and supportive to you.   I'm sorry for everything you have been going through, sounds like you have had a rough time.  These things that happen to us in life are sent to test us and do end up making us a stronger person at the end of it.  Throughout my life I've had a lot of things happen and go wrong and I always think it is neverending and I'll feel this way forever but now I am realising that I am becoming stronger from it all but it does stake time.   It sounds like you do maybe need some help from your doctor but I'm not sure how insurance works for you as I live in the UK so we don't pay for medical care. If you can see your doctor and talk about some pathways that may help you that would be beneficial, maybe even some counselling or psychotherapy.   I used to keep all of my problems and feelings to myself as I worried that if I told people I would be a burden on them.  I have now found that it is better to be honest and since I have been my father and step-mother have been so supportive of me and really helped me through a difficult time.  Try to be honest with the people around you, your parents love you-you are their daughter.  I'm sure you could never be a burden.   Take care and keep in touch, we are always here at the end of a computer  

Thanks for all the encouragment! It's so nice to hear from those who know what I am going through. When ever I talk about my depression with friends them seem to want to brush it off with pat responses like "cheerr up" or just "think positive".

It's nice to know I can come hear from support and be supportive to those who struggle with life crisis and depression.

Christy, I am so sorry you are in pain. I totally understand.......I was admitted to a psych hospital a couple of months ago. The circumstances leading up to my admission were very similiar to yours. I am 44 and had try to "push through" depression my entire life and it caught up with me. Do you have coverage available through COBRA? That is how I have kept coverage (I am unemployed as well)......... Please let me know if I can help. Levonne