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I'm sooo sick of this rollercoaster

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Posted 2/26/2007 7:28 AM (GMT 0)

Sorry all - this is just a rant, I'm having a blah day for no reason.

I've been up and down this rotten rollercoaster ride for about 3 years.  Been on 6 different anti-depressants because of adverse reactions, which I won't go into, and have been on varying doses of Effexor XR for about 15 months - up to 300mg daily.  I'm currently on 262.5mg daily.

What is driving me nuts is the mood swings.... I feel good for a while and finally think I'm conquering my depression and then days like today come back to bite me.

I have been on WorkCover (workers compensation) for 4 years, a long, frustrating, controlling system, that I can't wait to get out of.  I haven't worked for 18 months at all, but just recently started a new job, part-time, with a very compassionate and flexible employer, through the WorkCover agency.  While this is a great opportunity, the work isn't what I really want to do, and nowhere near the level of responsibilty or pay that I used to receive.

I know this is a good stepping stone back into the work force, but still have a high level of frustration.  Even so, things have been reasonable lately and my moods have been pretty good.  I have fibromyalgia and a shoulder/neck injury.  I missed my 3rd shift of work due to fibro pain and felt really guilty.  I woke up this morning feeling really flat and tired, but went to work.  No problems at work, all ok, but since I've come home I just feel flatter and flatter and feel like crying.

I HATE THIS....... It frustrates me soooo much - I just want to be the "normal" happy person I used to be.  I reckon I could handle the pain if I didn't have to ride the mood rollercoaster, but at the moment, I'm just feeling really frustrated and useless and no point to trying.

Sorry to rant everyone, I just really needed to get this off my chest to ppl who understand.  My best friend tries to understand, but it's a lot to expect of someone who has never been through it.  Guess I'm just feeling a bit lonely too.

Whoa is me .... :-)

Sure tomorrow will be a better day.

Cheers

Deb

Posted 2/26/2007 9:40 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Deb..Sounds to me like you have made really good progress even though it's slower than you would like. Relax a little and reflect how far you have come over the past three years and be proud of your efforts :-)  Everyone who has suffered depression certainly have setbacks...grrr...and flat days..so you not alone believe me! What do you do for fun? Do you have some life goals to work towards? Could you consider studying from home? Distraction from feelings of blah could be the answer..perhaps a new interest or hobby..maybe joining a club and meeting new friends..whatever it takes really..something new and interesting in your life would be great! Do you think you are ready to enter the workforce at the level you left - if so how about updating your CV and start applying for jobs.

Take good care.

Maree

Posted 2/28/2007 2:42 PM (GMT 0)
Hey. I'm new to this site, and reading your post really hit home for me. I have only been diagnosed with depresion for a few months, so have no true way of knowing how you really feel,but I get those days where nothing can make you feel better. The tears come, and you think they'll never end. y boyfriend thinks I'm slowly losing the plot, and so do I sometimes. You're not alone, believe me. Things will get better. They are already if you know you can achieve more than what you're doing now. You said you wanted to be 'normal'. What's the point in that?!! Normal isn't all it's cracked up to be! Try setting yourself goals, and go at your pace. You'll get there. I'm trying. Look after yourself, Leigh xx
Posted 2/28/2007 8:48 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for your replies Maree and Leigh

I'm back to feeling good again, I really was just having a rant/vent.  I know I'm doing pretty well compared to how I was a few months ago.  I find that I still get sooo frustrated when I have these dips, but I did see my psychologist on Tuesday and she helped me to recognise what was triggering these feelings this week.

That always helps me so much - the understanding of why I feel so blah.  It doesn't stop it, but it helps :-)

I know what you mean about "normal" Leigh - guess that was a poor choice of words lol.  I would just really like the highs and lows to be much less - the mood swings to be under control.

I also know that I'm way too hard on myself - I'm much too impatient, when things are going well, I want them to keep going and find the little setbacks along the way a bit hard to deal with.  But I am getting  there.... slowly.  As my pdoc says, baby steps..... yeah

Best wishes to you both.

Deb

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