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After 9 months of trying to figure out why my depression has come back to varying degrees, i still don't know. Everyday its something different and i just really feel pretty helpless. My boyfriend, family and friends aren't really helping, actually it they make it worse most of the time. There's just so many things that i don't need to put up with but it won't go away. I started college in August and I feel more like a prisoner more than a student. People don't like me here and i'm always by myself. I hate it. My boyfriend doesn't visit me much and because of that, we're forced to talking online and end up fighting more than having real conversations. A lot of the time its an emotionally abusive relationship, with him just making me feel stupid and like I'm not worth anything. I don't know how to make things better with him and that's all i want. He used to make me happy but everyday, it doesn't seem to make me smile anymore. I hate to say it but the reason why i stay with him is because its almost been a year and because i really do love him. My family thinks I'm joking when i complain about being here away from home and mostly just laugh about it when i try to get a point across. They keep reminding me a countdown of how many days until I'm back home..but it doesn't change the fact that 3 months later, I'm back here.

I stopped cutting and hurting myself before leaving for college because I didn't want suspicions or be questioned by friends or my roommate. However, i did it once back in December because thats what i knew made me feel better. And to make matters worse, i have an eating disorder and every time someone makes me feel i'm worthless and just not perfect, it escalates. I'm sick of locking myself in the makeshift bathroom i have here and just letting my frustrations out and crying. I'm sick of being sad when I shouldn't be. All i want is to be happy and i want to know how i can be. I wish i didn't get upset so easily. I just want help and to get better. I really wish there was just someone who's been going through the same things I am. Because I keep looking but i just can't find someone who relates...

i've gone to counseling and the last time i did, i didnt like it. also during then, i was too young for my parents thought i had a real problem instead of just having a bad day so they opted out of trying medication or anything. maybe this time, i dont know. 4 years later and they still dont believe something is really wrong.