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Depression due to becoming a felon

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Posted 4/20/2007 2:13 AM (GMT 0)
I did something insanely stupid and there is nothing I can do to turn the clock back. I sold my old prescription meds and got caught. Soon I will be an actual felon. I will be on probation for 5 years and lose my lisence for 2 years. I am having such a hard time dealing with the idea that I was a decent person one day and a felon the next. I dont know if I will be able to go through life knowing that I am someone that I hate. I will lose my job...no income..be watched by probation officers. I had a depression filled life before this..but now I am just the lowest of the low. I dreamed of having a girl that would love me..now I have to be honest and tell any girl I date that I am a felon. This is not what I wanted for my life and now I completely messed it up. To anyone out there who is thinking of making a quick buck...DONT..learn from my stupidity.






Sorry,but I had to edit your post due to rule #2. No use of explicit, obscene or vulgar language or images and/or messages, including racist remarks.


Shy

Post Edited By Moderator (ShynSassy) : 4/20/2007 6:23:50 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 4/20/2007 2:56 AM (GMT 0)

Dear djk,

Hello I am Kitt and your right you have made a mistake and now you will have to face the fact that you are human and we don't always  make the best decisions.

I would guess your feelings have a lot to due with you situation and how you have recognized you broke the law.

I am sure you do feel bad about your decision but now is the time to start turning your life around. Self hate is not good but rebuilding your self esteem and focusing on what good you can make out of this bad situation may be the right way for you to go. Thisis my own personal opinion. :-)

Low self-esteem can become a bit of a vicious circle. For example, if you don't feel OK, you might often withdraw from people and give out unfriendly vibes; not look people in the eye, and not smile or initiate conversation.

This kind of behaviour might make you appear cold and distant, and as a result, people might make little effort to be friendly towards you.

You would then probably detect that people aren't very friendly towards you, and your belief that you're not very likeable would be reinforced.

Instead I would like you to work on slowly increasing your self esteem and forgive yourself first.

A good way to build your self-esteem is to become your own best friend.

I hope this helps you let go of the self hate and work on bettering your self.  Take care of you first.

 

Posted 4/20/2007 12:26 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Djk

First of all welcome to the board,I am very glad that you found us.

I am sorry that you are going through this. Sometimes we make mistakes,and then have to learn the hard way.
At this point it is time to move on,try to get back on your feet and take care of yourself.
As far as finding a girl,if you find one that loves you then she is going to be able to overlook this. I would if my man told me later that he did something like that.

Keep us posted and stay strong.

Shy
Posted 4/20/2007 8:11 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you for both of your encouraging words. I hate to sound like a whiney baby in general. I wear my wounds internally and I guess this is my venting place. I have a lot of looney symptoms..panic attacks,depression,mild agoraphobia..I have been treated for years but lost my insurance due to being accepted by ssdi . Im trying to find a place close to me to get therapy..even a small fee $$ but I have come up with nothing unfortunately. Till then..here I am.
Posted 4/20/2007 11:16 PM (GMT 0)
djk
This is a good place to be to let out your feelings and k for support.
You will find others that have the same issues as you do or who have been where you are now.
Do not be afraid to ask for help. A forum as great as this one will take you by the hand and help you along the way.
Keep posting
Posted 4/21/2007 11:55 AM (GMT 0)
Djk
You might want to check with your local hospitals and see if they have a financial program that you can sign up for. If you have a county hospital they might have one,and you could get your meds at a low cost or even free.
Just a thought.
Shy
Posted 4/21/2007 11:14 PM (GMT 0)
Hi djk, you may also check with Family Services in you area. Since you have been excepted by SSDI meaning that you have a disability then if your state has a medicaid program then you should be able to qualifily for that once you start receiving SSDI benefits. But you have to sign up for those services your self. It takes 2 yrs from your starting disability date before you can start to receive Medicare so you will need to have some kind of insurance in the mean time. Please do keep us updated on how your doing...take care
Posted 4/22/2007 2:35 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you everyone in advance..and for those who have posted so far. Medicaid was terminated within 30 days of receiving ssdi. It sounds odd but its true. Why I would no longer be able to receive services due to being accepted to ssdi due to mental/partial physical impairment is beyond me. I have been posting online to find a place close by to even pay some money{instead of bills} ..just to be able to get a shrink and get my head back on straight. I find myself feeling like less and less of a decent person day by day. I used to be able to love others, laugh and develop new relationships. Now I feel like a criminal that doesnt deserve a good person. I would literally lose a limb to be able to turn back the clock and not do what I did. In hind sight I really did have the world at my fingers. Now I am a statistic and treated like garbage by the justice system. If I make it till September it will be a miracle.
Posted 4/22/2007 5:35 AM (GMT 0)
DJK - I won't dwell on what you did, you know better than any of us how devestating it is. What I do want to say is that you have been given a second chance. You didn't mention jail time so I am going to assume that you will not be going to jail. Parol officers are not the enemy. You PO will have access to lots of services. Let him/her help you put things back together. This is a good time to put your pride aside and see a therapist. Be truly honest with a therapist and let him/her help you too. You have a second chance, make good use of it.

In my experience the things that I thought were going to be the most devestating in my life have, in the long run, turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. You have the chance to make it so. Good luck and keep us posted.
Posted 4/22/2007 9:27 AM (GMT 0)

Hi there,

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. It is important not to 'live in the past' otherwise you will drive your self further and further down. I am from the UK and so don't know huge amounts about the US legal system. But from what I do know, the parol officers are there to help you as well. Any good parol officer will be able to tel the difference between someone who has made a mistake in judgement and someone who is doing it deliberately. You have admitted you made a mistake and this is a good start. Shy is right when she talks about finding a partner. A good partner will love you for who you are. Since you sound like a decent person to me, Its not fair on yourself to define yourself using this mistake. We are all human and make mistakes... Some peoples mistakes are bigger than others. I should know, mine usually are! But I never make the same mistake twice. As long as you learn from the mistake thats the main thing.

Take care and be strong. Things will become clearer and less intense in time,

Darren

Posted 4/22/2007 12:36 PM (GMT 0)
Dj
Darren is right,you have got to move on and quit kicking yourself for this one mistake.
One of my MAJOR mistakes is deciding to drink and drive 3 1/2 yrs ago. Oh yeah that one was a doozy. Thank God no one was hurt,but I lay in bed at night and get a stomach ache on what could have happened.

I paid my price,took my classes and will never do that again. Although it is embarrassing to talk about it,I have decided that since I learned from it,then I am better because of it.

Shy
Posted 4/22/2007 4:39 PM (GMT 0)

I was reading Shy's post and something popped into my head that I think might help. A few months ago, my friend in Berlin taught me an excellent phrase: "Einsicht ist der ertse schritt zur Besserung" which roughly translates as "Insight is the first step to improvement" (I think I might have used this in HealingWell before... I just got a feeling of Deja Vu then!) and it is so true. We learn from our mistakes and by not making them... we cant learn! It is true that you made a mistake, but a mistake is also an opportunity to learn.

I just thought I'd share that insight with you. (No pun intended!)

Darren

Posted 4/22/2007 7:34 PM (GMT 0)
Sorry if saying thank you is redundant. I guess kicking myself serves some purpose...what? I have no idea.
Posted 4/22/2007 8:47 PM (GMT 0)
Giving your self a quick kick is ok. You realise you made a mistake and you kick yourself into touch... its what starts the 'learning process'. But if you continuously kick yourself, you just end up in a heap on the floor like a sack of potatoes. So yes, it does serve a purpose but like anything, it should be in moderation.

Take Care

Darren

Posted 4/22/2007 8:59 PM (GMT 0)
djk
Have you tried journaling? Write down your thoughts and feelings in a notebook for your eyes only and try to stop beating yuorself up.
In your journal write your real feelings and then write how you want to change and how you can accomplish your goals.
Keep looking for a mental health program or google NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Health) then look for state and local chapters. They may have all kinds of ideas for you.
Maintaining healthy self-esteem requires you to be aware of your self-talk, to recognise unhelpful self-critical thoughts and to challenge your put-downs.
Bless you
Posted 4/22/2007 9:29 PM (GMT 0)
I have a huge fear of my Probation officer..technically my probation hasnt started yet. I feel like they are going to try to find something trivial to arrest me for. I guess I amparanoid per se. I have heard some bad things about PO's so that has me in fear big time. I only went to jail for 2 days but that was enough. Jail sssssucks. I hate sounding like a baby but this arrest has really altered my relatively sane thinking. I was by no stretch ever normal but lately I have been in a mindframe of sht.
Posted 4/22/2007 10:55 PM (GMT 0)
I would hazzard a guess to say that the PO as "awful" person thing comes from the movies. They are people just like we are. There is a piece of dialog from my fav TV show (CSI: Crime Scene Investigation). The lead investigator Grissom and one of his team members (Warrick) are having a conversation.

Grissom: I guess I was wrong
Warrick" But you're never wrong
Grissom: I'm wrong plenty of times. It is how I eventually get to right.

I keep that in my head when I feel bad about mistakes that I have made and it reminds me that we learn a ton from making mistakes and that is okay.
Posted 4/23/2007 2:16 AM (GMT 0)
I guess it comes from tv and message boards about probation. I would really like to get my life in good working order. In a lot of ways things were going very well for me {aside from poor sleep and my basic phobias}. I am an adult and should be acting like one. Sometimes I wish I was a kid again so my mother would make everything alright....those were the days
Posted 4/23/2007 12:18 PM (GMT 0)
What a great phrase Darren! I will remember that one that is for sure.

Dj, you have the right frame of mind. It is "I am going to be better". It might be a slow road,but if you stay positive and remember to take care of yourself you will be ok.



Shy
Posted 4/23/2007 5:35 PM (GMT 0)
I had another day in court today..went very well....i got 4 of 6 charges dropped...my sentencing will be in july so I will have my lisence for a few more months...also took a drug test today which is not an issue since I dont do any illegal drugs....the probation officer I had today was great..unfortunately he will not be my officer after sentencing...but at least that is a glimmer of hope that I will get another good one...thanks for any prayers or good vibes from my readers.
Posted 4/24/2007 11:32 AM (GMT 0)
Im glad your day in court went well. The fact that you got 4/6 charges dropped is a positive step in the right direction. As for getting another good PO, that is entirely possible too! There must be more than one out there! Are you starting to feel a little better about this?
Posted 4/24/2007 12:07 PM (GMT 0)
That is great news Dj,
You are on the right road,so keep us posted and stay strong!


Shy
Posted 4/25/2007 5:29 AM (GMT 0)
dj,

remember:

standing on one foot while kicking yourself in the *ss with the other is not a good way of making progress!

glad your day in court went well. here's hoping and praying that this is a good omen of things to come.

warren
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