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Posted 5/3/2007 6:22 PM (GMT 0)
OK, I'm at work, so I'll keep this short.

I had a very bad low last February and have beed getting help since.  Started with Zoloft, then to Lexapro 10, then 20, now 30 mgs a day.  I take lunesta to sleep at night. 

I had gotten "better" for a while.  I have been back to work for 2 months and I've finally caught up just now.  I can act pretty "chipper" for my co-workers and family, but of course I spend a lot more time in my office than usual.  I know it is fake even when I do it, but it is easier than wallowing in it.

The last few days have been hard.  I can't "fake it" as well.  I just spent my lunch hour driving arround aimlesly because I couldn't decide what to eat.  When I did decide and order I remembered that I didn't have any money on me and had to cancel the order. I drove back to the office crying.  Lunch should not do this to me.

I go the the Doc on tuesday.

I have spent the last week or so in a fog. Everything was numb.  I actually tried to think back to a feeling that felt real and the only ones that i can think of are the pain of my deep depression and when I fell in love ten years ago. (both are chemical)  Have I realy been in a state of depression that long?  Everything else feels contrived.

When I was driving I thought about clearing my bank account and going for a drive for a few days just to clear my head.  I just want to drive and keep going.

My husband has been worth his weight in gold all this time, but he called me yesterday at work and let me know that he is going back on HIS depression meds.  I can't lean on him now.

Gotta get back to work.  Will post tonight.

Posted 5/3/2007 6:50 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Christina

Hmm..sounds like you are going thru a rough patch just now but that you have done something positive in making an appt with the doctor again which is great..

I am wondering if a dose of counselling/therapy would be a good idea too? This could be beneficial for on a personal level and also learning skills to cope not only with your own depression but with your husbands too..

A holiday away from everything could be a fantastic idea for both of you to recharge the batteries :-) Even planning one together could be a distraction from feeling 'ick'.

Keep posting.

Maree

 

Posted 5/3/2007 7:43 PM (GMT 0)
I snuck in to see if there was a reply.

 

Maree, I am in counseling and went yesterday.  It was my 3rd time there in what I assume will be a very long road.  I'm going every 2 weeks for now.

The Dr's appt is scheduled every 4 weeks.  He just wants to know how the meds are working.  I don't know what to tell him.  I'm better than when we began- but if this is as good as I can expect...

 

I am on the process, but everyone expects me to "just get better".  I don't know what better feels like.  Do I expect to actually feel like what I am acting when I try to convice people that I am fine- or does everyone put on a show and nobody ever actually feels like that?

Should I be able to just "pull it together"?  Will I ever feel like I'm not contriving my emotions?

Posted 5/3/2007 9:03 PM (GMT 0)
Hi christina

Being able to just "pull it together"? or "just get better" is unrealistic..you are right - it's a bit of a long road to recovery..but it is achievable in time..thank goodness :-)

The fact that you can still act like there is nothing amiss in your life and that you are still working is really good..now you just have to convince yourself of this lol.

So what part of the day is the hardest for you? When I am feeling down like you are just now I always detest mornings!

Tell your doctor exactly what you have told us I'm better than when we began...but you would expect to feeling a lot better than this in the very near future - It may well be that you need an adjustment in your meds just to get you over this bad patch.

Don't forget to praise yourself for any small achievements during each day..small steps lead to big strides when it comes to recovery..I think you are doinf remarkably well just going from what you have told us so far tongue Keep up the good work!

Maree

 

Posted 5/4/2007 12:48 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the lift. I needed it today.
Posted 5/4/2007 8:39 PM (GMT 0)
Christina, you definitely need to tell your doc. My husband admitted to me a few years ago that he woke up every morning thinking about which gun he was going to use to blow his brains out. You can imagine my worries. It took several months to convince him that he HAD to at least start with the family doctor. Doc put him on lexapro. Like you, he said life was better with the meds than without, but he still thought about suicide - often. He absolutely refused counselling. Another 2 years goes by with me begging him to tell the doc that lexapro wasn't making enough of a difference. FINALLY. He did it. Doc put him on zoloft, and within 2 or 3 weeks, I had my husband back.

There are so many meds available for depression now, and they don't work the same way for every person. Keep on trying! You have nothing to lose, and possibly everything to gain. :-)
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