Seeking advice for dealing with depressed wife

I hope so too Rick,and I am hoping that one day this will all be a nightmare that you woke up from.



Shy

I know this will sound terrible, but maybe she is tired of being the "sick" one. Maybe you should switch roles and let her see what you see. Find a topic that depresses you and dwell and brood on it like you've never done before. Let her know what it feels like to comfort you and be needed. Maybe you can see what she could do to make you feel better. Reverse psychology is magical. Do you guys ever get away alone. Not anything big, but just a nice picnic somewhere to break the routine. My fiance has depression, but I find that a relaxing weekend even just an hour away does wonders for his spirit. Good luck and please don't take my reverse psychology advice too seriously as it might do more harm than good. I just hate that I'm always the "good" one and he's the one with the "problems". I know it irks him too.  

Back To Normal & Shy:

I've had similar thoughts, but I'm afraid that if I pretend at this point that I'll actually slip into a depression!!

We just had a therapy appt. yesterday and apparently she's asking for emotional space from me right now. Okay. So I am not to tell her what I feel or what I need, which is the exact opposite advice that I've been given by others, including the psychiatrist we went to.

So, I'm trying to cope and do what she needs me to do...or not do, as it were.

Rick...

Shy:

That's the trick, trying to find a balance of some sort. I'm just exhausted at this point in trying to find it.

Rick...

UPDATE:

Well, my wife has given up. She's told me that she's leaving. She's had some very immature reactions to things over the years and this one took the cake. I have an ex-wife that I had two of my children with. My 13 year old went on her first plane ride by herself to visit relatives and she was flying in today. Today is my day with my kids, so I went to pick up my daughter at the airport. My ex-wife called me and asked if she could come to the airport to greet our daughter off the plane since neither of us has seen her for almost two weeks. It's an hour's drive to the airport and I thought it would be ridiculous to tell her no when I'd be driving right by her house.

I should preface this with saying that my wife has ALWAYS had a problem with my ex-wife. She hates her with a passion and the two of them have barely spoken a dozen words to each other in 5 years. My wife is very immature about it and absolutely HATES that I'm cordial to my ex. I have stood my ground - it doesn't matter how she feels about my ex, I'm not being cordial because of my ex, I'm being cordial and respectful for my KIDS. I have been adamant about that and I'm proud of that fact. The funny thing is - what would my wife think of me if I treated my ex poorly? What kind of man would she be married to? What kind of character would that show? My two kids from that marriage are as well adjusted as possible and they are both on honor roll and in advanced studies and get straight A's. I can't imagine what kind of problems would be caused if I was not cordial to their mom. I should also say that I don't have regular contact with my ex. She doesn't call the house, we don't chit chat, we don't talk about each other's day, etc. There's no inappropriate contact whatsoever.

So, I gave my ex a ride to the airport and back. No stopping for dinner, nothing but picking our daughter up and that was it. My wife hit the proverbial ceiling. She told me that my ex runs our household and that she couldn't take it anymore and she was divorcing me. What she is referring to is that every once in a while, my ex-wife calls and asks if we can switch a weekend or change a day here and there. I don't have a valid reason to say no, so if we don't have other plans, I usually say yes. They are MY KIDS!! It has nothing to do with my ex-wife, but my wife does not see it that way. She railed me tonight and said that our marriage will never work out. She said that she shouldn't have married me in the first place because I had an ex-wife with kids. She said that she can't handle it and the scheduling, etc. and that she was done. Ironically enough, she's now planning on being my "new" ex-wife and will have to schedule things with me and the THREE kids we have together. Ugh.

This is going to be a very hard road. I'm looking at having two ex-wives and five children. What the hell did I get myself into? She has all but given up on getting better for herself. It's much easier to run than stay and do the work. There's too much to work on, so she's leaving - that's actually what she said. Pure genius. This is absolutely horrible. I have a 2 1/2 year old daughter with this woman. I'm now facing not having her half the week. I don't know how I'm going to handle that - let alone the other kids.

She's now so angry at me that she doesn't care at all. She told me that she doesn't know if she could ever get to even with the way she feels about me, let alone have any positive feelings. I have no idea how this got to this point so dramatically. The things that might be a factor are 1) she has been going through sugar withdrawals after being off sugar for 3 or 4 days and 2) she has been off of anti-depressants all together for several weeks. I'm not sure if that has anything to do with it, but it's certainly interesting.

I still love my wife, but I'm not sure if she's mature enough to handle things in our marriage. She's all but said that to me. She said that she thought that she could handle this life with five kids, a business, a marriage, and an ex-wife. Now, she's saying that she was wrong and she gives up. Wow. So apparently you can "try out" a family and husband - and even have a baby! - and then change your mind and run away without giving it a second thought. No regrets and no consideration to the family that you built with your spouse who loves you very, very much and would do anything to make things better.

I want to thank everyone for all of the support over the past few weeks. It means a lot.

Rick...

Shy:

Yeah, it's not a good situation. She IS just looking for things to justify her leaving right now. She's now saying that our marriage has never been good (total crap) and that things were doomed from the start. I'm just beside myself right now because I feel as if the things that I've said and done over the past few months has made it that much worse...and that's quite possible. I've gotten very angry at her at times and I'm sure that it hasn't helped in any way. On the other hand, I'm thinking of how deep she is in herself and the things that she has to deal with (insecurity, immaturity, depression, sugar addiction, and on and on) and she clearly doesn't love me the way she said that she did. It's just not a fun thing (divorce) whether or not you are the one who wants it.

I find it very hard to concentrate at work and that is just the worse thing in the world for me. I need every bit of income that I can get at this point.

Anyway, thanks again for the supportive words. I appreciate it.

Rick...

Rick
I would also think about getting into counseling for yourself. Now is the time to not worry about her and focus on you.



Shy

Yeah divorce is hard,it turns everyone's life upside down that is for sure.
It took me 13 years to get out of a physical and emotional abusive marriage. And it was a long road to get back on my feet BUT,I was FREE!! No more mental anguish. I could wake up everyday and not worry about someone being mad at me for no reason. I was safe.
My doctor told me during my first session that if I wanted to get better I had to change my environment.
And I remember those words to this day. I work very hard on my depression to keep it at bay,and I made a vow to myself the day that I walked out to never again be unhappy in my own home.

You stay strong and keep us posted,we will always be there for you.

Shy

Hi Shy and djdaz,

Well, she came home from her trip and was very, very angry and all that she was talking about was her leaving and how there was nothing I could do about it. It was very much pointed at me - mostly because of my giving my ex-wife a ride to the airport to pick up our daughter.

The past three days I've been able to stay very calm and collected. I'm in a place where I truly don't want her to go, but if she does, it's her choice and I'll just have to live my life and take care of my kids. So I started to calmly talk to her about the situation. I simply said to her that I wanted her to do everything that she needs to do to feel better about herself and her life. If that meant getting a job and trading in the mini van for a sedan or whatever, that's fine. I asked her to do all of those things that she would do if she were leaving, but without the leaving part. She acknowledged that she didn't have the means to move out right away, so I told her that I had a different attitude (I've been placing my needs on her because of a lot of stress with money right now and everything at home and it's only made things worse for us because she's not in a place for whatever reason to be there for me right now) and that I just wanted her to take some time to see and feel the change. She told me that her mind was made up and that she wasn't going to change and that she's leaving and that's it.

Now, I'm not saying that everything's rosy, but later that day, she changed. She softened. She began talking to me in a kinder tone. Today, she got a job and couldn't wait to tell me about it. I'm not thrilled that she'll be waiting tables at a nice restaurant in our neighborhood, but if it makes her feel better and it helps with her perspective and outlook, then I'm all for it. I offered to take her and the kids out to dinner to celebrate her getting the job and she readily agreed. It was a nice evening out together. She was warm and engaging and not the least bit standoffish toward me. We went to a few stores and the talk was even optimistic - she was saying things about how things would be with her schedule and mine and that it was nice that the new job was only a mile away from our house.

So, with no high hopes at all, I'm cautiously optimistic. This has happened before with her seemingly turning around, but something happened. I think that if I can stay calm and let her do what she feels that she needs (including going back on sugar...she didn't last a week off of it) to do in order to feel more independent, there may be real hope someday.

Boy has this been a wild ride. Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy...seriously.

Thanks again for all the support. Stay tuned - there could be a new update by morning!!

;-)

Rick...

Rick
All you can do is take it one day at a time,which I am sure you know.
But,remember to protect yourself at all times...meaning try not to get your hopes up and let her know that you have got to take care of yourself because if something does happen that is the only person that can help you..is yourself.


Shy

Rick
I just wanted to say that your kids are very lucky to have you. One parent has to step in and worry more about the kids when it comes to divorce,and I have seen that alot of times they are just ignored when the parents are so angry.


Shy

Shy:

Thanks. That's the worst part here is that she claims that the kids will be just fine and that we'll trade the 2 year old back and forth EVERY day. She wants her during the day and I'm going to get her around 4pm and overnight. Huh??

She seems to think that I'm made of granite. I'm not quite sure how I could handle having to see her twice a day while trying to rebuild my life. I just don't think she's seeing things clearly at all. She went to spend some time with some friends last week for two days and when she came back she is convinced that she should have never married me and that the ONLY way for her to feel better is to get a job and a place of her own.

*sigh*

HSE:

Glad to see you back. Yeah, it's been the roller coaster from hell, that's for sure. I'm not eating all that well and sleep is near impossible - even with over the counter sleep aids. I slept all of two hours last night.

Thanks again,

Rick...