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Help with depressed husband

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Posted 6/28/2007 4:01 PM (GMT 0)

My husband and I have been together nine years this month, married for the last six of those years.  We have a son that is about to turn two.  Shortly after my son was born we were permanently displaced by Hurricane Katrina.

My husband, while he realized that our move was necessary (we have no jobs left in LA, and couldn't afford to rebuild and live in our old home), was terribly homesick, and did not adapt well to life in our new city.  He has recently started a new job which has some career promise for him, so life is looking up on that front.  However, his homesickness seems to have evolved into full-fledged depression.

My husband is normally a very happy man, and we have had a good a close marriage until recently.  Since Katrina, he has become increasingly withdrawn and until this morning, he really hasn't wanted to talk to me about what he is feeling.  Sometimes I feel I am the person who is responsible for his depression.  I have a very good job here, one that would be hard to find anywhere else, and it would be financially VERY difficult for us to move, but he says he doesn't think that is the problem anymore.  He says he doesn't really know why he is depressed

I am afraid that he is unhappy with me, but he won't say so because he is afraid of breaking up our marriage with our young son in the picture.  He says he still loves me, and still wants to be married to me and we were always a very happy, close couple before this, but he has become so withdrawn.  I don't know what to do to help him (he refuses professional help), and I am terrified that I will lose my marriage.

Posted 6/28/2007 4:51 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Mom to One,

I don't have the same scenario, but I have a wife who is depressed (again, for different reasons). Does he explain why he won't talk to a professional? Even a low-key therapist might be able to draw some things from him that maybe he wasn't even aware of. It sounds like he does acknowledge that he is depressed, so that's a step in the right direction.

I'd suggest that you try to get him to talk to someone who maybe could ask the right questions. You could even try the "for me and your son" routine if he doesn't feel that he needs to for himself. You could also show him some of the postings on this site. Everyone here is very helpful and supportive.

Hang in there, it's a tough road (I'm still on it), but families and marriages are important enough to do what it takes to see it through. You'll find that posting here and reading other postings will help you feel less alone in this situation you've found yourself in. I know that it helps me get through the hard days.

Good luck and keep posting - I'll be reading and lend a hand wherever I can. You can also Email me directly as well.

Rick...
Posted 7/2/2007 8:56 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Mom to One,

Sorry for the late reply. Like Rick, I would strongly encourage him to see a professional of some kind. Have you considered PTSD/PTSS? (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder/Syndrome) Its the first thing I thought of as I was reading your post and wondered if this might be a possibility for you. As im sure you know, its not just a condition for people in the Armed Forces. Its caused by actual or threatened death to the self or close others.

Thats just my 2 pence worth.

Good Luck

Darren

Posted 7/3/2007 2:09 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Mom,

I am struggling with my own depression but will share with you a little to see if it helps. I am also living away from my roots and am feeling pretty blue about it. I have trouble talking to my wife about my darker feelings because I don't want her to to share my negative feelings and be depressed as well. Things are going well for her while I am struggling with a number of issues.

Another thing to keep in mind is it does not have to be related to your recent personal trama. I have struggled with depression my whole life while maintaining a professional career. Recently we moved to the other side of the world and I was very exited by the opportunities it presented. I think I believed I would be able to leave my personal demons behind only now 18 months later I realize they are still with me.

Its hard for me to to talk to my wife as things are going well for her and I want to be supportive. She has been supportive to me in the past I want to do the same for her. I feel my problems are mine to deal with and I do not want to burden her with them. Most of the time I really do not know what I am feeling only that my life seems to lack a sense of purpose and I feel inadequate.

I love my wife dearly but still have my own issues to deal with. I know this causes stress for us amd I am trying to work through them. I also do not want to surface alot of issues around my kids so I struggle keeping them inside. Sometimes this makes me irratable as well.
Posted 7/3/2007 3:39 PM (GMT 0)

Hi John and welcome to HealingWell! yeah

Thanks for sharing your story with us. Hopefully this will help others to understand their situation as well as helping you by discussing it. I agree with you not discussing such thiongs around the children (On the assumption they are younger kids) since they pick up on negative vibes very easily, but you need to talk to your wife. If it causes you to be irritable, depressed and blue then she will probably pick up on this but not know why you are feeling like this. At least if you share this with her then she will be able to undertsnad and try to help you. Even if it is just making a consious effort not to do irritating things like leaving wet towels on the bathroom floor! Do you receive any professional help for you depression? Do you take any meds?

Darren

Posted 7/3/2007 4:03 PM (GMT 0)
Hey John,

That was really great of you to share your side of depression. As Darren said, it does help those of us on the outside of it (my wife is dealing with it). Welcome to the forum!

Rick...
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