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MY POEM TO MY LIFE WITH DEPRESSION

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Posted 7/6/2007 3:50 AM (GMT 0)
I have reached a point in my life where I wonder if anyone really knows how badly depression hurts someone that has lost everything in life that means anything to them.  I mean everything.  When you look around you see that you are watching the world go by and it is ok because it is like you are not even there.  You feel cold and numb almost to the point that you wonder what others actually do to be "so" happy and normal.  I would give anything to be able to live a life that was not the one I have lived for 42 years.  I would do so many things that I didnt get to do in this life.

 

Another weekend is upon me and I am gravely depressed and have decided to write healingwell before I go to bed after a long day of crying and sadness.    I have decided to have my family make some decisions for my mental health.  They are not decisions that I am sure of but for now I guess it will have to do.  I have made promises to someone that I love more than life itself and for reasons that I have caused they have lost their faith. The same faith I have held on too as tightly as I could.  I am tired and know that although I am true to what i say for once in my life I TRUST MYSELF to make promises.  I am woman enough not to promise when I know that I cant keep it.

 

I am sitting here crying so hard that I am sure that I will break my heart wide open, but noone is here to hear it, that is why things have to change.

 

I will try to stay in touch with everyone as much as I can, God Bless you guys, you are my guardian angels.

 

One last thing......................

 

You know its time to say goodbye

when all you do is sit and cry

the days of joy that made you smile

are gone forever so quit with the denial!

 

So broken you know that it will never be the same

the days of sunshine and sunsets

are only a memory of what used to be

oh how you regret the things you couldnt see

 

The dream that you lived for will never again be there

the blame  that you will carry and will

forever regret  

cannot hide behind the mask of smiles you always tried to

wear!

 

Where is your FAITH  they ask as they look at you

with fear,

"Oh, my faith you say, yes the word that brought me here,

well it is still within my heart you see

and will never disappear.

 

I will take it with me as it was the one

true friend I had

never did it leave me

when I needed it the most

it dried my tears with hope when I thought I

would break.

 

Never in FAITH'S eyes did I ever make a mistake,

For it knew my very heart

and forgave me what I could not change

And never did FAITH and I part.

 

Remember my FAITH was always strong

and true to my heart I was

I only wanted to be loved

As only a two percenter does.

 

Posted 7/6/2007 7:14 AM (GMT 0)
Hi there Teresa

Thats a beautiful poem. Very deep and meaningful. I can almost imagine you as I read it.

What decisions have you left with your family? I am really sorry to hear that you are so sad at the moment. Id love to reach out and give you a big hug but I suppose a virtual one will have to do... its a long way to the states and I dont think my arms are that long! When you say that things have to change, what do you mean? Are you talking about therapy? Its good that you trust yourself to make promises, you must have some faith in yourself left for you to be able to do that.

If you want to email me, you know where I am

Big Hugs from the UK

Darren

Posted 7/6/2007 6:52 PM (GMT 0)
I just busted down cyring reading your post and poem.

big hugs for you.

Keep hope, I always keep hope things will get better even as I sit here in tears. It makes me depressed knowing others are feeling as aweful as myself and in some cases worse :(
Posted 7/6/2007 7:26 PM (GMT 0)

Teresa,

I just read your post and how I wish I could reach out and take your hand. Your anguish and despair are heartbreaking for all of us with depression.

In your heart you do know that you are a wonderful person and with help you will smile again. You are down in the hole in the dark all alone but I am going to toss you a flashlight so shine it up high and see the open sky. See us up here waiting for you?

We are here at each level as you rise from the depths of your despair and we will help you up, as others have helped us.

That you have held on to faith is a positive sign that you want to heal, be safe my friend.

Your poem was powerful and touched my soul.

Many safe hugs.

Kitt

Posted 7/7/2007 11:33 AM (GMT 0)
Teresa

I wasa once down in that hole of a hades and never ever thought I could get back out didnt really care if I did or not not wanting to face another day of depression isolation and tears

This was about 4 mths after losing my mom who I loved and loved so deeply never thinking she would JUST not be here one day

THe day Mom died was the the exact day I buried my love of my life my first love Rick he was only 24 at the time and it was a double whammy for me as it brought back all those memories from March 20 1979 in full force.he died on St Paddy's day while celebrating with my dad
No one in my family connected the 2 and I was left to be in my own darkness....

I didnt care about anything and my faith faltered very badly .....

MY daughter ...like Kitt gave me that flashlight and told me she NEEDED me and so did many others
I was brought out by the love of her and her need for Mom

Your post n poem I am sure hits so many in their own way and it is also helpful IMHO ........

I do hope you will really know that you are cared about on HW from all from a/p to depression ....

Please DO NOT give up
I didnt and I wanted to so bad but the life can change baby steps are the key I believe anyways
I am sure many will not agree with my thoughts but I have my opinions as do they

I just wanted to reach out and say you are needed here and we all care

LUVS
God BLess
LYN
Posted 7/7/2007 12:38 PM (GMT 0)
Teresa that was a lovely poem.  We can all hear the pain you are in so please keep posting.

We all want to help support you.

 

I realise it is hard to keep going with depression, but please keep trying.

 

Love and hugs

 

Angel

Posted 7/8/2007 12:28 PM (GMT 0)
Teresa
Please keep us updated on how you are doing.


Shy
Posted 7/8/2007 7:00 PM (GMT 0)
sad  Thanks everyone for all your posts!!  I never realizedso many people who dont even know me care so deeply.  What a blessing it was to come to the site today and see so many post.  When I wrote the poem i was hurting so bad that i wasnt even sure of what I wrote.  I am so glad that it touched so many of you.  I have suffered terribly since writing that poem.  Friday and Saturday were some of the most horrible days of my life.  There have been things happen over the last couple days that have been devastatingly impossible to rationalize.  I have become so numb to the life I know that I wouldnt know happiness if it hit me in the face.  I feel dead inside like life is never going to be any better. 

 

The comfort I find in your posts get me through, I feel lost and alone and want so bad to have the comfort and help that I am so helpless in asking for.  What do I do when I cant get the help I need?

That is a retorical question to me because I know that I must face these challenges alone and have faith that soon I can know that all I have to do is ask and the help and care will be there.

 

I am trying to stay strong but every day is awful and I dont see the light at the end of the tunnel.  thanks so much for the flashlights, the little bit of light they give does give me direction.

 

 

Posted 7/11/2007 9:59 AM (GMT 0)
Glad to see ytou post hun
Sorry your weekend was hell for you I can only pray it does get better and we shall keep passing those flashlights to you
Stay strong and YES we all so worry and care about you

LYN
God Bless
Posted 7/11/2007 11:33 AM (GMT 0)
Teresa
I too am very sorry that you have to deal with so much pain

I hope the days start to get better.


Shy
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