I just need to vent to someone other than myself

Do you ever feel useful, yet completely useless at the same time? Like you know people depend on you for certain things and they'd be screwed for awhile if you left, but you don't really feel like they appreciate you at all no matter how much they say they do? Sometimes I want to say just do your own crap and stop delegating it to everyone else, because I don't even feel like doing my own work, much less everyone elses'. But I know I would never actually say it to the people I'd like to say it to; being helpful (or rather, doing other people's work for them) is something I've always done. I'm one of those "project geeks" that people use to do their "group report" so they can get an A without doing any work themselves. I guess the proper term would be door mat?

It's sort of self-defeating when you know what your problem is but you're too spineless to correct it. And perhaps it's too late anyway. If you do something all your life and then you change and start sticking up for yourself, even though people say everyone would respect you more, I think they would probably just hate you. Or me, I mean. And even if I knew how to stick up for myself, I would just be too afraid. My stomach hurts just thinking about it- the confrontations.

I hate confrontation. It's so much easier to just say "Sure" instead of saying "No" and having to deal with all the questions and badgering. But one favor leads to three and then everyone thinks they can just tell you to do whatever they want and sit on their lazy *** and smoke cigarettes all day and laughing about how they get paid to do nothing.

I thought moving out of state and meeting new people would be a great opportunity to be a different, stronger person and start things off on the right foot. Fat lot of good that did me. Maybe if I actually went out and did things instead of flaking out at the last minute and making excuses for my social inadequacy, perhaps it would be a different story altogether. Or maybe not. Perhaps my personality is just inherently flawed and after some time people realize it for themselves and don't want to bother trying. Being close to me seems more like a chore than anything, even for myself.

Kitt is right. You just need to learn to say no in "a polite and assertive manner". I know its easier said than done, and I do the same thing as you at the moment. (But I am learning to correct it slowly.) Its never too late to learn to be assertive

I think your being very harsh on yourself. Everyone's job is significant, no matter what it is. Take me for example... I am a cashier for a supermarket. Low skill, low pay and no excitement. I hate it. But If I didnt help people pay for their food, they couldnt buy it. Then they would either starve or steal. Admin jobs are hugely important since it involves processing paperwork and if nobody did it, what would happen?

When thinking about the future, sometimes its very easy to allow the present to cloud our judgement. You might get a promotion at work (which usually comes with a pay rise) so you would be able to afford some of the things you want. As for your boyfriend, I would sit down and talk to him about weddings/kids since this is obviously something that you are concerned about.

As for the dog... that kinna made me go awwwwww!  I love dogs and I think its great that you have adopted one. Dogs are great for company and they are great for exercise as well. (Which helps with depression) I can understand that your boyfriend doesnt like dogs and prefers cats. We all have preferences, and his concern over the vet bills is real and quite valid. That too is something that you should work out. Can you get pet insurance? Perhaps a small amount each month would be better than a large bill once every 5 years.

Most importantly, you need to value yourself higher. Be proud of who you are and what you want to do. Just because its not what other people do or is the 'normal' thing to do, it doesnt make it wrong.

Take Care

Darren

Hi Edie.

Wow, Im exhausted just reading that! Actually, I know exactly how you feel since I went through all those emotions in my early 20's; you feel lost and unsure and confused. I'll try and give you some advice from my experience without going all Dr Phil on you.

I was an admin assistant for about 5 years and I did enjoy it although it got to the point for me where I wasnt able to be challenged anymore and like you, I wondered what I was doing to make the world a better place just by answering phones and pushing paper around. Im still in admin now and although I get a lot more mental stimulation, I still dont feel like my job is worthwhile to humankind, even though I know it is to the company. I am not qualified to be a nurse or a doctor or a lawyer or a teacher and dont really want to do any of those things anyway, so I look at what I can do outside of work. So, I volunteer at a dogs refuge where I take my puppies out for walks every week. I know I cant contribute anything finanically, and I can only give about 4 hours of my week to them, but I imagine what those 4 hours mean to to the dogs in my group. For that short amount of time every week, they get out of their kennels and can behave like dogs are supposed to and all their worries go away. And the looks on their faces make it all worthwhile. My point is, you dont necessarily need to save the world in your job, and you dont need to do something on a huge scale to change someones life. I dont have any career ambition either, except to have a laugh in my job, work hard and keep learning, and thats enough for me.

If your managers are being asses, say something. Write down what you expect from your job, how you want to be treated and demand it. If they dont like it, find another job. You obviously are an intelligent woman and I really believe that for most people, the days where the employer can push you around and feel like they are 'doing you a favour' by employing you are gone. You are as valuable to them as they are to you; it should a partnership where both you and your employer get what you want and together you work hard to make the company successful.

So, you know you dont eat healthy and you dont exercise. Is there any medical reason why you cant exercise or eat certain foods? If not, change it. Write up a menu plan and stick it on your fridge. Take fruit and vegetables to work to eat while you are at your desk. You should be exercsing your puppy, so go for a walk after work with her in a park; throw a ball, run with her. Thats exercise. It is so easy to get in a rut, but if you can give yourself a kick it is even easier to get out of.

Do you love your puppy? Are you glad you got her? Does she bring something to your life that was missing? Sorry if this sounds harsh, but if so, tough luck that your boyfriend doesnt approve. Your dog is not a 5-10 year financial burden to you; she is a friend and I would think worth every cent you spend on her. And a dog will NEVER disappoint you.

I think you need to slow down a bit and to look at things in a different way. Realise that this is life; and yes, crap happens. Every day, in fact. But it doesn't have to make us pessimistic about the world. There will always be good people and bad people and terrible things will happen. But its all a part of our journey here. I have had some horrible experiences, and of course if I had my way I would never want them to happen again, but I found the lesson in them, and once you can do that, you can at least understand why it happens. My turning point came when I was 25, when I woke up and realised that the reason I was confused was because I hadnt done all the things that I was 'supposed' to do that age. I didnt have a degree, money in the bank, a share portfolio, a husband, the white picket fence with my 2.3 kids. And I realised that I didnt actually want all that. My life is about me, not what others think it should be. Now Im approaching the big 3-0, my thinking has totally turned around. I still dont have any of those things, but I love that I am single and have no responsibilities, I love that I am able to earn enough money to live on my own and support myself, I love that I am a strong and intelligent woman, I love that I have beautiful friends and the best family in the world, and I love that I finally love who I am. It took a lot of hard work to get here but it was all worth it, and I really hope that you get here too because it is the best feeling in the world.

You dont 'have' to know where your life is going in order to live it; it could be over tomorrow or you could live for another 70 years. Take some baby steps in order to get things on track; deal with one thing at a time and work out what you want for today. I would really start by getting your eating and exercising sorted out, it makes your head clearer.

Sorry about the length of this; and this was the edited version! I wish you all the best and if you need any more advice, I will give you all that I can.

Kate