I really do not know what to do

As i have said in previous posts i have had several operations to remove cancer . The last lot was so horrific that i still wake at night in pain and fear of what happened .

Well now the pathology results are back and it seems that after all this i still have cancer .I`m so dissappointed .In his letter the surgeon apologised for the pain i encountered during the last procedure and to let me know he wants to see me asap to arrange yet more surgery .I do not want to go through any more enough is enough .

This surgeon is suppose to be the top surgoen in his field in this country yet after four operations now he has failed to remove the cancer .I`m sorry but i have lost faith in him as with the local GP here .

I do not take any meds anymore as i will not go back to see him .

These past couple of days i am so down .I have no one here to even talk to .I just don`t know what to do anymore .

Restless

No Shy hubby isn`t helping at all infact a couple of weeks ago i walked out i just couldn`t take it anymore ,i just felt that i was the only one who gave a darn in this marriage .We rearly talk anymore and when we do it`s about everything instead of us I`m just so not happy anymore ,i know my derpession and PTSD has played a big part in it all .
As for my kids even the ones i have been really close to don`t have time for me they have their own lives to tend to and i`m just glad they can have a good life .So much has happened in the past twelve months and not only the cancer has really got me down but now i`m being told my immune system is going through some sort of crisis ,it`s just never ending .
As for a second opinion i just don`t know how to even go about seeing anyone else .Going back to the gp here really isn`t an option for me anymore .
Restless

I am back with him he found where i went but i do not have anywhere else to go .I`m to frightened to be on my own i have been this way for quite a while now .As for the medical help the only dr i have been seeing is the surgeon and at the moment i really do not want to even see him .I have run out of all my meds now so will just have to wait and see what happens now .Some of my kids the older ones know the cancer is back but it really doesn`t make a difference to them think everything is going to be ok well maybe it will be i have no idea .I just feel so down and being around one of my daughters and my hubby are making me feel even lower .I haven`t slept well in a while now and feel so exhausted .I have even stopped looking after the little kiddies as it was getting a bit too much for me .
Restless

 I have never posted on here but I hope I can help Restless a little. Please call your local chapter of the American Cancer Society. They will hook you up locally with people who are going through what you are and also they will be there if you need anything. Please call ASAP. I have known people who were helped a bunch. I am completely different, I have 4 major illnesses and there's not a lot they can do but we can pray some new medicine might come along. I really hope you find help, we don't need to go through things alone. R.M.

Hi Restless,

The American Cancer Society is a great idea.  How about your church if you belong to one.  I am so sorry your cancer is still with you.

Are you close to one of the big Cancer facilities?  If you are please consider a second opinion.  Children do not like to face reality and they don't understand the seriousness of illness.  That is not an excuse but it helps you realize that your children will not be your number one support person.

Please don't hide and just give up sweetie.  You are cared about here and keep talking to us.  Gentle Hugs

Kitt

Morning and thank you all ,I`m just so tired atm not sleeping very much for a while . I do not live in America and not sure what is available here .Just to see this dr i have to drive 700km so it`s not like i can just go off and see someone else but will decide today if i`m going back to see what this one wants to discuss with me but i`m not wanting anymore surgery mainly because of what i went through last time and the fact that i feel so let down by this fellow .
As for my family they are never there when i need then not what i expected at all seeing that mum is and has always been there for everyone .The hardest part is not having anyone i can talk to here .Thank heavens my psychologist is due out here next week she is the only one i have to talk to .Not even hubby is interested it just makes it so hard
There last weekend i went with him to a pistol shooting competition away to be there with him and suppport him but he will not come to see the dr with me ,it just makes me feel so sad that all this has happened and the fact that i have let it get so bad .I just didn`t realise how bad the situation had become.
Restless

Shy i have come to think that there isn`t anything between hubby and me anymore i just get the feeling that after all this time it`s all over .Being so depressed has clouded a lot of things but this is how i see it now .
I can`t even remember how many years ago he even gave me a cuddle or evn a kiss for that matter .I just feel that i don`t want to keep fighting anymore i ust have nothing else left to give anymore .
I think a great deal in me died the day my son died a few months back and i thought that i would feel a bit better in time but with everything that has happened it wasn`t to be .Now my oldest is leaving home and this part of being a mum really sucks as they all take a part of you with them when they go .So really there isn`t much left here .
As for hubby not coping he has been through a lot in the past few years i must admit and maybe you are right in what you are saying but when i look at the whole picture i really think it`s a bit more than that .
Restless

Morning all my friends in here .
Well i did go back to see the surgeon yesterday but now i feel even worse .The cancer is still there he has failed to remove it and infact he told me the tumor is growing and that he was really concerned .So he rang the oncologist while i was there and then i had to go see him .
I`m so upset as a result the oncologist told me more surgery was not an option as it would now be too disfiguring at the amount that they would have to remove so the only option left is to try radiation.
That you wouldn`t think would be so bad .yeh rite this means i have to stay in Sydney which is over 900km away from my home for three weeks .Add that to my depression and everything i am going through makes it extreemily hard i`m already feeling so stressed especially with everything i have gone through in the past couple of days .So many people telling me this and that and what they are going to do and who why and when it`s all getting a bit much .
Today i have an appointment to have my heart checked it`s decided that it`s tired of beating regularly and now missed a beat every seven beats not a good feeling to experience at all .
Restless

Shy all i wanted was good news but then knowing my luck it wasn`t going to be on .I`m not sure when i go but within a week or so .I have an appointment with a social worker tomorrow she will be arranging my accomodation while i`m down there .but i have to ring the oncologist next wednesday to tell him if i want t go ahead with treatement .
I will be going by myself as hubby has to work and can`t get time off .thats why i`m really frightened .
Restless

i asked my hubby when he rang tonight as i`m not home atm i`m with my in laws for a few days while i see the drs up here ,but he said he couldn`t even take me down there because he has to work .Mind you he is taking time off from work next weekend to go to a pistol shoot away but has no time for me i`m not that important ,just goes to show how much he bloody well cares
Restless