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Posted 9/20/2007 12:55 PM (GMT 0)
And I'm not sure how too.

I really feel like throwing in the towel, just stting back,and letting my health and my head and everything, just take me wherever it wants. I feel in an utter lack of control, and am not sure on how to get myslef back on track. It feels like inside, I'm screaming for help, but outside, noone can hear that, as I seem to be just whispering it.

I saw y psychiatist yesterday, she pushed me lots, and worked hard, but yet, I still couldn't explain what inside me was feeling like. I told her about my anger and agitation, when just the tinyest thing goes wrong. We talked about how I felt through these anger attacks.

I couldn't even touch on the issue of me not wanting too be here. I couldn't bring it up. Even when I got back from the hospital, I was regretting that I didn't say enough, but also scared I'd said too much.

I've just rang my psychiatrists secutay, and asked her too ring me back, but god knows what I'm ging to say if she does ring back. And, now I kind of regret ringing in the first place.

It's me that's thinkng like this, and surely I should be able too stop it, and I don't want to get into a cycle, of someone else helping me. I need to do this on my own, but at the same time feel so helpless, and wek, and I do't even know where too start.

I feel so guilty, Paul's just married me, and it would hurt him so bad, if I did what I was dreaming of last night. What I've been thinking about all day. He would never understand, that I'm just fed up of fighting.

I keep writing things down, writing poems, and each one is very much the way I'm feeling. I'm supposed to share these with my psychiatrist, but I can't. As much as I even feel I need too and want to, I just can't, something inside just stops me.

I feel so ahamed to be saying this is how I feel, I know I should be happy. It's just like a maze, and I've really lost my way, and am very very confused.

Sorry for writing all this here, and I'm not even sure anyone will even be able to help, but  it's the second place I can scream out, and it's the second place, I have hope that someone can help. It'd proably b good if I could forward this on too someone close enough to actually be abe to help me, like my CF nurse or my psych, but for some rason, that thoght makes me feel ill.

Posted 9/20/2007 3:09 PM (GMT 0)

Dear Gem,

You are so obviously reaching out, so hang on sweet Gem and we will help you. OK?

First of all you have no reason to feel ashamed.  You have done nothing wrong.  Depression isn't caused by personal weakness, laziness or lack of willpower.

Don't believe all of your negative thinking, such as blaming yourself, feeling hopeless or expecting to fail. This thinking is part of depression. These thoughts will go away as your depression lifts.

The Depression is an illness and you are trying to battle it alone. I know you have been to therapy but Gem, please tell your Pdoc exactly how you feel.  Now is not the time to hold back.  You have to share those scary thoughts and your feelings with your Pdoc.  You have to be honest.  It is not easy for the professionals to help you if they are missing pieces of the puzzle.

You have had a lot of changes in your life recently, your friends death, your wedding and of course dealing with your Mom and your health issues.

Give yourself the credit you deserve by making it through each of those life altering situations.  Talk this through with your Pdoc and with us.

We care and we are here for you 24/7.  You are a special person, Gem and I care about you.  So stay with us, please.

Hugs

Kitt

Posted 9/20/2007 3:23 PM (GMT 0)
Thankyou Kitt!

 went totally insane, then cf unit phoned, who got very scared, my CF nurse started to cry, who rang my psychiatrist, who rang me straight back. Got an appointment with her again tomorrow. Paul's coming home early. Just said I had a bit of a breakdown, and he got upset at that. I feel so numb and terrible and completely out of it.

Thankyou for your message back kitt. I just really feel like, the only thing holding me is a piece of string.

Think I'm going to try and get some sleep, I suddenly feel so tired. CF nurse ringing me again at 5 to check on me.

Posted 9/20/2007 4:05 PM (GMT 0)

Thank you Gem for picking up that phone and asking for help.  I am sending you the worlds largest ball of twine to help you stay in one piece  yeah .

Rest now and it will work out. ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

Kitt

Posted 9/20/2007 6:16 PM (GMT 0)
Gem

I hate that we have breakdowns,but I guess it would not be depression without them right?
You are a very very strong woman and have been through so much. I know that you are going to be ok, with help and that is ok too.
I am so glad that your husband is there for you. Lean on him as much as you can.. and don't worry,there will be times that he will need you too!


Shy
Posted 9/21/2007 6:19 AM (GMT 0)

Gem,

You really do need to tell your doctor everything right now.  If you are afraid you will get in there and not be able to open up and say everything you need to say, what do you think about writing it out and taking it with you just in case you can't say it?  She can't help you if she doesn't have all the information.

You have been through so much and with your health situation, who wouldn't fall apart.  There is certainly not anything to be ashamed of. 

Please remember how much we love you on this forum.  So, please take good care of yourself.

With love and prayers,

Carla

Posted 9/21/2007 1:46 PM (GMT 0)
Been upto hospital and spoke to my social worker, and kind of nodded and shook my head to my psychiatrist.
Anyway, I've worried people, so am now back home waiting for the crisis team to come out too see me. Yesterday was scarey, but nowhere near as scarey as having to explain it too people-Especially people I have never met, in my own home.

I guess one thing I've always loved about my psychiatrist, is it's right next door too my cf team, 2 hours away. It gets me out of this town, and environment and gives me a bit of a break. I obviously need someone closer, but I just don't feel comfortable with that right now.

Anyway, I've made a promise I wil talk, and ill have to stick by that I guess. It's easy to answer something honestly, but if noone ever asks the right questions, then things go unnoticed. It hard just to tell someone something.

Anyway, best go, thankyou for all your support, and answers. I'l sign back in later, too tell you how I got on.

XxXxX
Posted 9/21/2007 8:22 PM (GMT 0)
Well, the crisis team came out, were half an hour late, which set me in a bit of a panic. Not sure why.
Anyway, they were very business lke, and did everything with that approach. With no option but to tell them straight, I did.
Anyway, they've decided I am a crisis situation, and are going to come round once a day, maybe more depending on appointment tomorrow. They are also getting me in touch with cruise, a bereavement councilling place. The crisis team psychiatrist will probably come out too see me at some point, and talk about different med options there are. I already know there are no other med options for me though, but they seem to be looking at my case, as if I've been referred by my GP, and not a consultant psychiatrist.

Anyway, one things for sure, is I'm not going to be alone over the next fews weeks.
I'm scared to death about actuall talking properly too these people, and perhaps not been able to detach myself. In my home, I'm always on full alert to what's going on (we've had far too many breakins in broad daylight.)

I've still got a little hope left that I can be fixed, but where that will get me I dunno.


Anyway signing off for now. It's 9.30pm here and I am well and truely exhausted. Need to get some energy together, before my next battle with myself tomorrow.

Night night, and hope you're all keeping better than me x
Posted 9/21/2007 10:32 PM (GMT 0)

Gem,

I think you know you have a great big support team here and we love you very much.  Keep us posted as you feel up to it.

Love and prayers!

Carla

Posted 9/22/2007 11:19 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Gem, I just wanted to lend my love and support to you also.  Hang in there sweets and know we all are here for you anytime.

Super BIG HUGS

Posted 9/22/2007 1:12 PM (GMT 0)
Gem
I too wanted to say that you have our support,we all care about you and know that you are strong enough to get through this.



Shy
Posted 9/23/2007 10:17 AM (GMT 0)
Well, I've now seen crisis team twice, and seeing them again today. Still don't like them, but trying really hard just to ignore that. They work at the place my mum works, which makes me so uneasy, even though they are bound by confidentiality.
Anyway, my normal rule, give everyone a chance is stil in play. They upse me yesterday, as they made it seem like they are taking over from my proper psych, and that I shouldn't be seeing her as she's not in catchment area. I got a bit upset about it, but my proper psych did say we are going to sort out the way in which i organise and process info, and that she won't stop seeing me, until I'm ready for it, the other day
so I've got over that comment now.

Went to watch wrestling last night. They had a show, just at the bottom of our road. We got there early too chat too wrestlers. I got lots of cuddles, although some shocked responses from my favourite wrestler Spud, as I was a lot more well last time I saw him, and probably much more vibrant, as I was oing round geting my t-shirt signed by everyone. I've missed a few shows due to been in hospital recently, so it was very good to be there cheering and boing.

I was in a lot of pain yesterday, even just walking too the show. I think I must have pulled a muscle in my chest. Infact, by the time we got back to my house afterwards I had a real struggle gettng up the stairs, as it just hurt SO bad.

Feel very very low today, and very weak. Sweaty cuddles from nice strong wrestlers made me feel almost normal last night, but today that feeling has gone, and I just feel stupid again.

More shows coming up next month, and also a long trip to Derbyshire to see my reseacher friend from the kids hospital. I haven't yet asked the C team about this, but I think a day away from here visiting a new place, might be better for me than sitting down and talking to people I don't know. Thnk I need more sleep, I'm feeling very sleepy again, I didn't get much sleep last night at all.

Hope everyone's keeping well x
Posted 9/28/2007 9:21 PM (GMT 0)
Ok, thought I'd give a bit of an udate, after losing my internet for a bit.
This week has been harsh. I'm still not feeling right, and the slightest thing is still tipping me overthe edge. But, I am slowely getting there, and becoming slightly less dark in mood.
My dose of Mirtazapine has been upped to 45mg now. Had 3 doses, and in typical Gema fashion told my proper psychiatrist about the increase only yesterday. (It was the community psychiatrist who suggested the increase.)
I've had some good news this week, in that there is now less of a balance problem in my legs. I've jumped on this as my hapy thought for the week, as it's good health news for a change. Also muscle biopsy results done in Feb, should be ready by the end of next week.

Rigth now I'm scared and lost, and feel like I'm in a really bad place. Even though I can see positives, they aren't enough.

I'm stil seeing the crisis team, visits now down to every other day. I don't know what too say too them when they are here, and they keep letting me go off chating about guinea pigs and piercings and PS games, but I suppose it's good having someone to talk too when I do need them. I can't fully directly let my feelings out to them, and they keep asking me how I think they can help me. I don't know the answer to this. I feel beyond help. There is no way to erase things that have happened and there is no way too erase how I feel. They keep asking how I feel, and the only answer I have is low, lower than I've ever been before. I've repeated over and over why I feel so low.

They mentioned bearevement counciling, but seriosly I don't see how that can help. I have discussed over and over and over how Sami died, why she gave up the fight, why was she taken so young. I've had all this out with my CF nurse and my dietician, and they both gave reasonable answers that I can understand perfectly, just can't accept.
The song played at her funeral, too all the CF teams involved in Sami's care, was My Way by Frank Sinatra, yet I still can't accept the fact that God has taken yet another really young princess to be an angel.

I'm trying too find out where the nearest C of E church is to me. I gave up on faith long ago, but I suddenly have such an urge too go too church, and try to find some answers I think. I've been listening too Libera boy's choir all week, I got one of there CD's, and am searching the lyrics searching the songs, just for any hint, of anything really.

I'm going away on Tuesday, just for the day, to see the research coordinator from the children's hospital. She was my best friend while I was at the children's, up until the age of 18, when I was finally forced too leave there care. It will be nice too see her, although am also dreading having too step foot out of the house.................Infact I haven't left the house all week. I haven't watched the news either. I think it's just because there is a big wide world out there, that right now, I just don't want to be a part of.


Wow, I've babbled a lot, but I feel a little less heavy now I think. I best go sleep, need to keep in a routine, as Mirtazapine at a higher dose, has brought back knock-out effects that went away a while ago. Strange yes, but I never react normally too anything, so why start now eh?

Night night and hope everyone's ok
XxXxX
Posted 9/29/2007 1:23 AM (GMT 0)

Gem,

It's always so good to see any post from you.  I do wish you were feeling better.  I am glad your crisis team is still coming around and the visit to the Children's Hospital and seeing your old friend will probably bring mixed emotions for you, but be good for you.  I think seeing the children will brighten your day.

Could you possibly get out this weekend, just let Paul take you for a ride in the car, especially is the sun is shining?  Even if it is just for 30 minutes or an hour, just to get you out of that house. 

I know you miss Sami so much.  I wish there was something I could do to take away some of your emotional and physical pain.  So many people on this forum love and care for you.

Love and Prayers,

Carla

Posted 9/29/2007 11:21 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Carla.

Neither me or the hubby drive, we rely on bus and trains as our sole transport. It's probably what's making it all the more harder too get out. Also no more sunshine for us, the sky's are getting dark. It's just seems so dull and miserable-matches my mood so well. It's been so cold aswell. I think if it wasn't for the NHS, I'd think about moving away from England, as there's just not enough sunshine.

I think we may be going out for a meal tomorrow, with Paul's Aunties. I just need my makeup back from his cousins, as I think I need it right now. I can't be doing with people fussing, because I look pale.

Gem x

Posted 9/30/2007 6:56 AM (GMT 0)

Gem,

I didn't realize you had to depend on a bus or a train to get around.  That does make it a little difficult and tiring for you also.  Yes, I can understand you wanting your make-up to go to lunch so that no one is asking how you are feeling the entire time.  Plus, the make-up will give you a little boost as well.  I'm sure the dark days aren't helping you any either.  You are just one of those people that I wish I could reach out and do something to make some part of your life better for you.  Just know that with God's help and all the support you have on this forum, you will once again get on the other side of this.

Love and Prayers,

Carla

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