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Need To Talk Part 2..For Dark

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Posted 10/19/2007 11:07 AM (GMT 0)
Let's start a new thread so it is easier to reply and read



Shy
Posted 10/20/2007 7:31 PM (GMT 0)
Ok here goes a little bit about my life I am very low right now and maybe some of it is why I find my self so lost I know what is done is done nothing can change that I also know I need to get over it and move on a lot of ppl have had the same crap happen and a lot so much worse they have all moved on and have great lives and yeah I am happy for them. I have kept my past in a little box all my secrets and I have never talked about them and I thought I never would that if I forgot about the past it would be gone and have no influence on me but I guess I am wrong because how els do I explain who and what I have become. I feel like dying right now so who cares if I tell the secrets what is the worst that could happen

I grew up between parents and grandparents I was a big disappointment the day I was born so the story was told I was suppose to be the boy to carry forth the family name anyway that caused lots of crap. father was an alcoholic and he beat the crap out of us sometimes my mother hated my guts for stuffing up the happy family. when I stayed at grandparents grandfather molested me I allowed him to have his fun my gran was sick I spent my time there locked up inside the house grandfather died when I was 13 at school had no friends I was raped age 13 and he stayed my boyfriend until I was 15. After that I never let anybody touch me until I was 30 years old had a sign on my for head you touch you die.I then met a women and before I knew I was in a gay relationship its now 7 years later I am still in it I hate every minute of it I am not gay but I owed her she got me a job gave me food and a place to stay when I was down and out which I seem to have been most my life and everything in life has a price. Now I haven’t had a job in 7 years we are broke she drinks like a fish and we fight about everything .I use to care but now I don’t care about anything I cant see that my life will have any meaning or that I will be anything more than pathetic. I have screwed up so much so now you know what a worthless piece of sh…..t I am and that I am just wasting time looking for peace I don’t deserve………………..
Posted 10/21/2007 1:39 PM (GMT 0)
Dark
I am so sorry for what you have been through. I know what type of pain being molested can cause. It is something that will never leave you it seems. And I can't tell you how to heal from that because I am still working on healing.

It does not matter if you are in a gay relationship or in a straight one..what matters is that you are settling.
And once you settle,it is hard to get yourself out of it.I did that for 13 years,and finally I woke up and realized that I deserved better.

When I first started counseling,she told me that in order to get better,I had to change my environment. That was something that sounded so simple but harder to do,but she was right.

I think that if you were able to get back on your feet,that you would really be able to start healing.
I know that is a hard thing to do,but it is possible. You have to try and not give up.

Shy
Posted 10/21/2007 2:12 PM (GMT 0)
I think it takes a lifetime to get over sexual abuse, so don't be so hard on yourself. I think you should get some therapy for your depression, if you don't have the money there may be a public mental health clinic near you. Check it out.

It seems to me that you blame yourselef for so much that is not always your fault. Go slow but please try and seek professional help.

Starbrite
Posted 10/21/2007 9:32 PM (GMT 0)

Hello Dark,

I read your post and I am so glad you had the courage to write it down.

Those of you  with a history of incest and rape need to know that whatever you  do or don't do is all right, because you  have survived a childhood that wasn't like a childhood at all.

Now you have come to the cross road in your life where I feel you want to make a decision to start to climb up hill and out of the pit of depression and make a good life for you.  For that to happen you will have to ask for help.  You are a good person, your worthy of a good life and you deserve happiness.  You need friends and people who care about the you inside, and not people that are out to use you.

You are a unique individual and you do not nor will you ever owe anyone favors for helping you.  You will learn so much in therapy and you have this wonderful group of people here to support you online but please find that therapist, and start on the road to a happy life.

Every single person is deserving of respect so it is now your turn to believe in yourself................you owe it to you.

So do not give up. Don't fall into isolation and despair.

Gentle Hugs and prayers for you. I believe in you.

Kitt

Posted 10/22/2007 11:46 AM (GMT 0)
Dark

I need you to remember something very important,remind yourself over and over. It might cause you to get angry,and cry and scream,but you have got to realize that

It is not your fault!!!

You were just a child,you could not have done anything to stop it. You did not do anything to make it happen.
A child can't stop an adult that is that sick in the mind.

He took your child hood away from you, you can't let him take your life.


Shy
Posted 10/22/2007 1:36 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you everyone for the reponse.Shy i am sorry that you have had to go trought it and i truely hope that you find healing someday.  

When i read and hear other ppl stories of abuse and stuff I get very angry and sad but when i think of myself its like a black and white movies with no sound  it does not invoke any emotion so i am not sure what to make of it anyway thank you i am just rambling dont really know what to say.

Post Edited (Dark) : 10/22/2007 8:38:11 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 10/22/2007 4:50 PM (GMT 0)
Dark
No pressure on saying anything here. You let us know when you are ready to talk.


Shy
Posted 10/23/2007 3:19 PM (GMT 0)
thank you not really sure how to talk and if it would help not sure about anythng..
Posted 10/25/2007 12:18 PM (GMT 0)
No reason to say sorry Dark
We are here when you need us.



Shy
Posted 10/25/2007 4:34 PM (GMT 0)
Dark
Can you tell us what you want out of life? What are your dreams and where do you want to be in 5 years?


I am trying to get you to think past your feelings of despair,and try to think about your future...



Shy
Posted 10/26/2007 4:15 AM (GMT 0)
Thats just it I cant think ahead because there is nothing its just the way its always been I live from day to day I dont think about the future.I dont have dreams they only lead to dissapointment.If i coud do anything in the world be anyone I honestly would not know who or what.My current situatiion no job mountain of debt in a relationship thats not working and nowhere to go drains me and I have burnt my brain trying to figure out a way to change becaue it has to if there is to be a tommorow. I know i need to look at the future to believe am worth something that i need to change my situation but dont know how to take the firsts step.Finding a job would be a good start then a place to stay and so on but that seems impossible. Why well the odds are I wont find a job because I live in a country with a 60% unemployment rate with previously disadvantage law that states you have to give first option of employment to black ppl and then only to whities like me if i overcome that te jobs avail with my skills pay minimum wage it would not be enough to afford a room let alone a apartment then i havent looked at electric or food or nothing ontop of that i have picked up so much weight I really only have a tracksuit and 2 t-shirts that fit me so what do i wear to work i dont have cent to my name to buy new clothes its my own fualt then ther is this thing i have about being afraid of ppl how idiotic is that when iget into situation with ppl i lose rational tought and i eather stutter like a blundering idiot or i fight for all i am worth ppl dont like that.I know there migth be ways round this but what is the point of fighting to surive one day to thenext if you have never been able to find your purpose or see he need ro you exsistance........
Posted 10/26/2007 11:34 AM (GMT 0)
Dark
I am not sure how your government is there,but here we have programs that people can get help with job skills and rent and food.

Do they have anything like that there?
Also,do you have any family that you can stay with? Or any close friends?


Shy
Posted 10/26/2007 12:03 PM (GMT 0)
no our goverment does not have stuff like that. have family a mother and brother but we strangers brother lives in another country and mother she remarried we dont get along she always said i would turn out a loser dont have friends either its ok ty for the help and for listneing there is now way out of this. There are two sideds to me a darkside which at the moment rules my toughts and emotions and it treatens to detroy me and then the is very small side in me that is fighting hoping for something the side that makes me post her makes me keep talking hoping someone will respond and just acknowlage that i exsist and give me something to hang onto inspite of it being so negative and empty. Thank you Shy
Posted 10/26/2007 2:40 PM (GMT 0)
Dark,
We know you exist and wish that we could help you more. I am sorry that there are not any programs there that would be of help to you. That has to be so frustrating.
I wish they had some type of women's shelter,just somewhere that you would be safe.


Shy
Posted 10/29/2007 4:14 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you for the support.....
Posted 10/30/2007 11:06 AM (GMT 0)
You are very welcome Dark,we are here when you need us!



(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

Shy
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