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Posted 12/15/2007 1:19 PM (GMT 0)

Good morning Embers,

I did read your other thread.  It must be so hard to make a go of it when you don't feel centered.  I mean, you need a home of your own.  Somewhere you can relax and eat the way you need to, and get your rest.  I just don't know how you do it.  Must be your additude.  You have such a great outlook on life, you appreciate all of the wonderful parts of nature, you embrace life with such a wonderful vibrant mannor.  You are really strong for somebody in your condition.  The fibro aches and fatigue, the allergies.  I have them but I don't think that mine are as bad as yours are.  I think I would have collapsed long before now.  I can see where you are depressed, but you still hold your head up high and make it through each and every day.

I freaked when you said that you play guitar, I play a little too.  I got my guitar at a paun shop in the late 70's for $80.00.  I have had it all this time, it is a yahama.  It has a beautiful pick guard.  I was offered 500.00 back then for it after I bought it.  The guy said it was made after a Gibson hummingbird.  what ever that meant.  He wanted it bad but I wouldn't sell it.  Infact the girl that put it in the pawn shop tried to steal it from me and she didn't quite get it.  It was a really strange situation, it was in her car at a party.  She tried to drive away and got stuck.  After that somebody broke into her car and stole her stereo and everything but left my guitar.  That will teach her I guess.  She needed me to get unstuck and that is how I got my guitar back. 

I always talked about painting on rocks but never did.  I love working with wood to.  It is the natural things that I like.  I have painted on some of the wood burnings I do.  I get plaques from a souvineer shop in our town.  They fine sand them for me.  After I wood burn them they put a laquer on them and they come out beautiful.  It is like I didn't do them at all after the application of the laquer.  I don't know if I am spelling that right. 

That is so awesome about your wedding.  The white horse, you riding side saddle, It must of been so romantic.  I guess my bf and I are going to get married.  He has been looking at rings.  I am elated.  I am a widow.  I lost my husband to cancer in 2000.  My bf now was his friend, he helped me take care of him the last three months that he was alive.  Then I get fibromyalgia.  He has done so much for me.  Took care of everything when I was sick, did all of the cooking, cleaning and laundry, shopping.  All of it.  Now I feel better with the help of medications.  Otherwise I would be back in that darn bed.  I fear that, like the depression.  Getting back in that bed would let depression sink in so quick.  And I have had my share of that. 

I hope that you can find a home Embers.  I couldn't stand to have to live with other people.  It must be so difficult.  I don't know how you survive.  But actually yes I do.  It is that additude.  You have such a wonderful additude.  I know that is what keeps you going.  You are so special.  I pray that the Lord will find you a home and you can feel centered.  I pray that it does not have any mold or allergins in it.  A home just for you and your h.  I really am praying for you.

I will close here.  It is early, I didn't sleep much.  My dog has allergies that I am fighting with proper food and probiotics.  And enzymes.  It is an up hill battle, she scratches and chews all of the time.  Though she is better than she was.

You have a wonderful day,

God Bless,

Luv and hugs,

Karen

Posted 12/15/2007 8:45 PM (GMT 0)
Good day Karen,

I usually save writing on here until late at night when I can't sleep because it gives me something to look forward to. So I might be back at that time, but just wanted to tahnk-you for your encouraging words. I think what drives me nuts is that my husband is having such a great time here and he can't get why I want to be home so badly. It doesn't seem to get to him, and without him validating how I feel, I start to get down and to feel very lonely. I always envisioned marriage to be this perfect meeting of the minds thing. Maybe just in my imagination. He's a great guy, but we are just very very different in some ways, though alike in others.

I am going to get out and do my walk to the grocery store to pick up some almonds. H had borrowed a friend's car and said we could go shopping today so I was looking forward to that, but he just told me his friend needs his car back. So that will be for another day. The walk will do me good today anyway.

The only thing with trying to walk here is that the city here is pretty crazy as they have no sidewalks for pedestrians here - or if they do, they go on for anywhere from four feet to half a block and then just stop. So I have to tromp through overgrown grass along forest and or alongside stores set back in the grass. It brings out the cross country runner in me. lol. Sometimes I like the walk - other times I get annoyed. I think I vent all my frustration about feeling stuck in this situation upon the city's sidewalks. ON days I get upset about the lack of sidewalks and how hard it is to walk somewhere here, and I start muttering as I go, I know that what I am really upset about is being here in this city itself away from my comfort zone. I'll see how I do today. I guess the sidewalk thing is like my emotional thermometer to tell me how I'm 'really' doing in a day. haha

Thank-you for your prayers for a home for me. I guess I know better than to lose all hope - there is too much good in the world adn too many signs of Life bigger than myself to believe there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Even when I feel hopeless, the hope is still there - kind of neat to realize that.

Enough about me. So...

That was a COOL story about your guitar!! Wow. Sounds like it was meant to be yours. I just find with teh guitar - there is something about the strings - the sound and the touch - my guitar feels like a friend, and like an extension of myself. I am trained in classical piano and I love digging in and the physical interaction with the piano and I love the sound! BUT the guitar feels like my heart is singing back to me - it's more intimate than the piano I find. But that is just me. Everyone has their own place where they connect best.

I really enjoy hearing about all your art work. Did you learn all of this in school or self-taught? THat's cool you can get plaques to use at a souvenir shop in town.

That is so exciting that your bf is looking for rings! Yeeeehaw!! Okay, well that boy better get ya'll a gooooood one that reflects to the world just how wonderful you are! Yep!! Seriously, how fun! I never got an engagement ring I liked. Don't tell, but h had his friend design it and it was ugly. And very not "me." BUt we only had a short engagement so I didn't have to wear it for long. We are also going to have our wedding rings redone. Mine is not filled in on the back and keeps getting dirty and then giving me a rash. And he wants something fancier. We are hoping to have his daughter make us new ones. She sent us a disc with designs but it is at home ain a box somewhere with all the other boxes from teh move not yet unpacked.

Oh, that is funny - in a good way - that you think my attitude is what keeps me going, because when I read the threads you share on in the fibro. forum that is exactly how I see you all. yeah I guess we are all digging deep to find the good in things when the difficulties press in. I think most of us are stronger than we realize. And that also is why it is good to have forums and real life friends etc. - to remind us of who we are, because when we live with chronic pain or tough times for awhile, we can begin to become so conscious of our weaknesses and less conscious of our strength it seems. Godo to have people to reflect positive things back to us.

I hope your dog keeps on getting better. She's fortunate to have such a loving owner as yourself. It sounds like you are giving her a really healthy treatment, and she should keep improving.

Hope you have a really nice day your way. It is raining a bit, but I will still attempt my walk or I will just be sitting around here in my bed and that is not going to do me much good.

talk to you later, Embers
Posted 12/15/2007 10:28 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Embers,

I was thinking after I entered that last post that I forgot to mention that I don't trust room sprays and colognes either.  Cologne really irritates me, the smell that is.  I use to wear it.  But mostly now I wear patchouli oil.  I use to have the plants when I had my plant nursery.  They smelled so pretty and had little white flowers on them.  I use to like musk oil too until I discovered patchouli.  Don't you hate the smell of perfume samples in magazines.  I noticed they were in the Sunday newspaper also.  They give me a headache. 

Everything that I use has to be for sensitive skin too.  All of my soaps, shampoos, dish detergents, laundry soap and lotions.  All fragrance free if possible.  I break out so easy from things like that.  It really gets to be a hassle.  I do have some lavender hand cream that my friend gave me that is all natural.  I can use that on my hands.  It smells so pretty. 

My friend plays and teaches piano.  She told me she would teach me how to play.  She plays at her church.  I really want to learn.  It is a matter of doing it.  She has fibro too so she understands when I don't feel good.  We often have flares and symptoms at the same time, that is why I think that the weather has a big part in how we feel.  She even gets fibro fog when I do.  That is so strange, but I guess that the weather must affect that too.  Maybe it is the air pressure on our brains.LOL  Thus comes the term "air head".  I should start a thread on the fibro forum about that.

Is it nice where you are other than the screwed up sidewalks?  I mean is it warm?  I remember you saying the weather was sunny one day and warm 70 degrees.  I think.  You were talking about the sun shining down on you and it felt good.  The sun was out yesterday and when I was out of the wind it felt warm on my face and I thought about what you had said.  Just now I thought about the birds.  I use to feed them and then the neighborhood cats would come in and try to get them.  Though I always had dogs to bark at them and I would chase them out.  After I got sick I quit feeding them but, I can remember waking up and hearing all of the birds in the mornings.  Sometimes it sounded like a jungle.  It was really cool.  I had all kinds of animals coming in like rabbits, squirrels, turkey, deer, coyote, a family of foxes and once a black bear.  It was cool because I would video tape what I could.  I love to watch nature and all of the awesome creatures.

I will end for now, I am cold and feel like laying down for a little while.  I may get back on again too.

Luv and hugs,

Karen 

 

Posted 12/16/2007 11:27 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Karen,

Never made it back to write you some more last night. Ended up watching a movie with the couple we are staying with. We actually had a very nice time together. The movie was Dreamer. Have you seen it? It was another good movie, and it's got HORSES in it throughout. :0)

I have some very good news. My h has decided that we will go home in a couple weeks, and the people we are staying with also felt it was the right decision - which is neat because...I thought to myself a couple days ago "Well, if he is listening to what other people here are saying so strongly then I am just going to pray that they will tune in to the reality that it's time for us to go home!" LOL. So guess my prayers were answered. So I am very relieved and soon will be back home with lots of snow!

I'm not crazy about the house we go back to, but at least I will be back in my oh so comfortable bed and be able to start eating my steamed broccoli and daily salads! Seriously, I miss my veggies and the lift eating well gives me energy wise.

That is really neat that your friend is a piano teacher - that could be something really nice to look forward to. Let me know if you decide to go for it. Piano teaching was my passion for years. Taught for around 8 years. I've wanted to go back but with moving so much, I havn't had the stability to. Hey, if you take lessons, can I tutor you? haha! NOt that I think you would need tutoring, as I'm sure you'd pick it up just fine on your own.

That's nice that you had a 'moment' - feeling the wind on your face. Sometimes life goes too fast, and we miss the embrace of life that is in these gestures all around us. Yes, walking here is lovely apart from the no sidewalk factor. There is a little brook half way to the grocery store that I often stop to look at. Yesterday it was drizzling, and I was caught up by the drops of clear water along the red brown branches of trees along the way. I just stopped and gazed at it. It was so beautiful!! I told myself not to worry about all the people driving by who might have been wondering what I was doing. :0)

My h showed me a web-site. http://www.craftinamerica.org/artists_clay/story_119.php He said there is an article somewhere there called Cranbrook. I thought of you being you are a natural with the arts. It talks of a guy who went to school to study art and had all the curriculum to do, time slots, etc. He felt like "this isn't it." So he went to this other school where there is no set agenda and no marks! You just go and everyone sits down with the teacher at the beginning of the year and discusses what they'd like to do and then they just do their art. It sounded very much geared towards the creative flow and non-institutionalized. I thought it was neat that there is a place like that.

How are you feeling today Karen? Are you staying warm okay? I have been really tired and feeling like a blob, but that is largely because I've been eating so poorly and going to bed so late due to anxiety and feeling depressed. I am trying to pull myself out of this pattern. Being home, the best part for me will be being able to have a routine again and hopefully sleeping better. And from there, getting back to having the structure I need to do some writing every day.

I keep feeling like I have something else I wanted to share, but can't think of what that would be, so I'll sign off.

Hope you are having a pain free happy day. Oh, I know what it was, I am trying to remind myself to look up the nature artist you mentioned. I think I would enjoy that. Thanks for the tip.

love and hugs, Embers (kimberly)
Posted 12/17/2007 1:40 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Kimberly/Embers

I bet you are so excited to be able to go back home in a couple of weeks.  I am sure you will be much more comfortable there.  At least like you said you will have structure.  I have been eating sweets that people give us during the holidays and I can feel the difference.  I am more sluggish than normal.  We eat pretty healthy most of the time.  We try to eat a lot of vegetables too.  But I know that I could be eating more.  I buy lettuce to make salads but then it goes bad before I eat it.  So I just try to eat raw vegies but not necessarily in a salad.  We do a lot of steaming of vegies.  I understand that it holds more nutrients than boiled.  John (my bf) does a lot of the cooking.  The other day he did a beef roast with carrots, potatoes, mushrooms and brussel sprouts.  Then a couple days later I made stew.  I think I would do better if I had smaller portions.  Actually I am suppose to eat small portions 4 to 6 times daily to keep my blood sugars level.  I had one doctor tell me to go on a protien diet.  That is hard for me because I love vegetables.  I know that diet really has an impact on how we feel so I figure if I at least try to balance it I should do okay.  I try to watch the carbs but I love potatoes and brown rice.  Oh well we do the best that we can.

I didn't do much today, the weather was windy and it was cold.  A friend of mine stopped by, she has fibro too.  It was wierd because she said she had been feeling better actually.  And I realized I had too.  It seems like we get a lot of symptoms at the same time.  My sister, who I think she has fibro but the doctor said polymyagia due to manic depression, has a lot of the same symptoms at the same time as my friend and I and she lives about 200 miles south of me.  I am not sure what that would be in kms.  I found a book with equivalencies (sp) with the metric system.  One day I will learn it.  Back to the subject.  My sister wondered if the symptoms could fluctuate with the moon, I always think it is the weather, among stess and other things.  But doesn't the moon have a lot to do with the weather?  I will notice people on the forum cycle too.  But you know with the holidays we are going to "wax and wane" as they say.  Some people get depressed and some's spirits lift.  I think that after the holidays are over people tend to get depressed.

I have noticed some of your other posts.  You are very helpful to people in need.  You speak so elequently (sp) and explain things very well.  You have definately got a way with words Ember, and you have the talent to make people feel needed and better about themselves.  I try, and I feel that sometimes I do help people to feel better but I don't have that gift for words as you do.  You would be a good therapist.

Now that I have rambled on, I guess I will end here.  Did you notice how I get off a subject and then seem to be able to work my way back?LOL.  I don't know how I do that.  The easy part is when I get off the subject, that seems to come naturally.LOLagain.

Tomorrow I have another psycologist appt.  I have missed the last three due to the weather, it isn't looking all that good with the wind and snow, but hopefully I will make it.  It is an hours drive one way and a lot of hills.  So they understand when I can't show up but this is the first year I have missed this many appointments.  So wish me luck. 

I guess that I will close here.  I have never watched that movie you mentioned.  But it sounds good.  We watched one today with Hillary Swank, it was scarey.  It was called  The reaping.  I just needed some entertainment so I picked it up.  It was entertaining enough.  I was actually on the edge of my seat. 

I hope that you have a nice evening, think about going back home and how happy that you will be when you get back settled in.  I am happy for you, and I was praying for you. 

I would love for you to tutor me at piano.  I have yet to start some lessons, I sometimes I dream I can play.  I will dream I am good at guitar, but I am not all that good.  I had a guy put new strings on it for me, I think he bought the cheapest they make, they are rusting.  I have trouble doing the cords because these strings are so stiff.  I can't even build up my callasses.  That is a good excuse.LOL  I am going to pick up some better strings and restring it myself.  I have done it before, but I break the E string sometimes.

You have a good night/morning,

Hugs.

Karen

Posted 12/17/2007 2:31 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Karen,

Ohhhh...guitar. I can't believe the strings are rusting. What is that all about?! I don't mind putting strings on my guitar, but I hate being bothered tuning it. When I get inspired, I just pick it up and play, and the hubby - who is super musician self taught mixes and produces music will come with this look of distressed anguish and without asking proceed to get out my guitar tuner and expect me to just hand over my guitar. I usually tell him to just go away nono because by the time he is done tuning, I will no longer have the urge to play! lol. I guess it is a combination of needing to play when the flow is there and ADD. tongue

That is funny you mentioned about being a therapist as I had just been thinking today (after 'meeting' some ladies on another forum some of whom are therapists) "I wonder if I'd be able to be a therapist." I decided I would like to but I wouldn't have it in me - I don't think I'd be able to stop thinking about the people I see when the work day was done. Well, maybe they teach you in school how to though.

There are lots of things I would like to do - I just always feel like I'm 'on hold' which is frustrating. Just need to keep doing what I can and wait for the wind to reach my sails and bring me somewhere more tangible. I mean, I am learning all about going with the flow, but expect that at some point I'll find myself more emerged in one thing or another.

It sounds like you eat a lot like I do. I have to say how blessed you are to have a man who cooks. That is my dream, but h doesn't place the same value on food as I do. And he's at his computer most of the time. Once in awhile he'll cook, but not unless he sees I am really unable to get myself into the kitchen that day. The beef roast and stew sound so yummy! And great for the winter weather. As for carbs, I heard that red skinned potatoes are the lowest carbs, so maybe you could eat them if you don't already? And brown rice is so healthy. So there you are! And by the way, I LOVE potatoes and brown rice too. yeah

I think the moon affects lots of things. I read an article about how it effects the energy levels in barley grass or something like that. It was some scientific research that was done - but I'm not very good at explaining it. But the moon does affect the atmosphere and apparently has a direct effect on moods and different things. I guess that shouldn't surprise us because we all know how the barometric pressure affects sinuses for some people, and how the sun makes us all feel so good, but rainy days tend to make people feel heavier. (Me, I like the rain - but only if I am out enjoying it. Not if I am inside - then it's just blah grey.) I do love thunder storms though. Love the sounds. How about you?

I don't find you go off topic actually. Just that you have lots of things to say, and it all makes sense to me. :0)

200 miles would be about 400 kms. I think 1 mile = 2.2 km or something like that.

I was trying to get myself moving tonight and so I cleaned the bathroom. I hate cleaning the bathroom - the scrubbing hurts and I don't like that. But I like to feel like I conquered something in a day. So that was helpful.

Hope you have a nice night your way and that the weather will be gentle tomorrow so you can have a safe and successful trip to and from your appointment. Let me know how you fare.

bfn, Embers
Posted 12/17/2007 3:58 AM (GMT 0)
Oh hey, that was YOU who said those nice things about me on the other thread I posted on. Lol. I got you mixed up with 'another day.' I guess in my mind 'gettingby' and 'anotherday' equate kind of the same meaning. Just wanted to say thanks for being such an encourager. I think you seem like such a kind person Karen. I'm glad for the joy of sharing with you here.

gniight - Embers
Posted 12/17/2007 4:00 PM (GMT 0)
Good morning Kimberly,

This will be short but I just had to tell you I am a grandma again.  Our dil had a baby boy this morning, one week early, but I think that dr. had delivery time off.  She was getting big the last time I saw her, she said that this was the biggest she ever got, and didn't really look all that big for most women, she exercises a lot so it is all baby.

He was 8 lb and 9 oz, 21 inches long.  His name is Garison.  I can't wait to see him, we are going there for Christmas.  I am so excited.

I have to get ready for my appt.  The roads are snow covered so I hope that they aren't slippery.  I have a few things to do before I get ready. 

I will talk to you later,

Gotta get moving.

Luv and Hugs,

Karen

Posted 12/17/2007 5:25 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Karen,

Just wanted to congratulate you on the arrival of your new grandson, it's wonderful having a new baby in the family, they bring so much joy and love, and even more specia around christmas time! Gillian
Posted 12/17/2007 5:32 PM (GMT 0)
I hope you don't mind me piping in on your thread
Posted 12/17/2007 5:54 PM (GMT 0)
CONGRATULATIONS GRAMMA!!!! That is wonderful news! Sooooo great that you will be spending time with them in a week too and you can see your grandson when he is still so 'new' and tiny and give him a wonderful warm grandmotherly welcome to the world!

What a joy it must be to behold your kids have kids! So you have a son and a grandson. Do you have any other kids also? Sounds like you already have some other precious gk's. I'm still hoping to be a mom some day. Maybe when we finally settle someplace! (It's becoming a theme isn't it - this settling thing. Should I laugh or cry? See! I get off topic too! Anyway, I'm thrilled you took a minute before you set out for your day to share the news with me here so I could rejoice with you! I bet he is just soooo cute too!)

Hello Gillcom. That is great news isn't it!! Havn't met you before, but glad you popped by to send congrats to Karen - she's a wonderful lady and I know her little grandson is gonna just love her!

Karen, will talk to you later. love, Embers

Post Edited (manyembers) : 12/17/2007 11:00:33 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 12/17/2007 10:32 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Gillcom,

Thank you for the congrats.  I really appreciate that, and you can pipe in any time, we love to hear from you. 

To tell you guys the truth, I am not a mom.  These are my fiance's children and the grandchildren always called me grandma.  I never had kids, though I kind of wish I did.  My mother scared me to death about getting pregnant so I never did.  I got a tubal ligation in my thirties.  But these guys are wonderful and that is enough for me. 

about my mother, she wasn't well. She was a manic depressive, known now as bipolar.  And she was paranoid schitzophrenic.  That was no environment for me to grow up in.  My grandparents addopted me when I was about four years old, my mother went to the state institution when I was a year and a half or so.  But she came back into my life with a vengance.  But that is then and gone.  I am lucky that I made it this far.

I hope you don't mind the venting, but I thought I would tell the story.

Embers, I don't know if I told you but we are getting married soon.  We haven't set a date yet but plan to go to the courthouse tomorrow to start the paperwork. 

You guys, I use to be scared to death to hold a baby.  Never even changed a diaper until John's children came into my life.  I noticed even on my sickest days when they would bring my granddaughter over, who was a baby then, when I would hold her, I felt sooooo good.

I am excited to hold the new one, I want to feel all good inside.

Hugs to you guys,

Love,

Karen

Posted 12/18/2007 4:46 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Karen,

You are a wonder. Your childhood sounds very chaotic. You've overcome a lot. My childhood was not easy either. Very dysfunctional family and I always just wanted to grow up and get away. I actually have not had contact with them now in over a year because it's just kind of useless, and because my emotional health was worth more to me than keeping in touch with people who never really knew me in the first place. I just really hid inside myself all my growing up years as that was the safest way to be.

Have you ever watched Stewart Smally Saves His Family? That is one of my favorite movies. There's a part in it where Stuart says to his alcoholic father "There were a lot of things over the years that hurt me, but this is what I want to say to you: I've lost over 125 pounds and I don't think you even noticed." (I'm paraphrasing) It reminds me of my birth family though - they actually are neat people with good hearts in many ways, but relationally, it's like they are asleep. Family get togethers were just going through the motions and then everyone getting out the booze. It was pointless. I was always the black sheep, and even though I miss them, I am glad I don't fit in with them because if I did I woudlnt' be who I am today.

Karen, it makes me smile when I read you describing holding a baby. You've really had redemption touch your life as what once scared you is now a healing and joyful experience. That just made me really happy to read!!

I think it's wonderful that your bf's family has 'adopted' you for lack of a better word. Sometimes those who don't have children of their own still have a real mothering heart and I think God sees that and gives them sons and daughters with a bond that is real even if not flesh and blood. You've got a kindness that kids must pick up on right away and I'm not surprised they call you Gramma. Oh yes, you did mention that you are going to be getting married soon. Remember - I told you to make sure he got you a good ring!!! haha. All your friends here on the forums are looking forward with you to your upcoming marriage. I think it is great!

Things had calmed down here pretty nicely. I had a moment tonight though. There is one particular couple here that h has become close friends with, and every time I have tried to reach out to either the husband or the wife, I feel like I get nowhere really. I do beleive they are very good people, but relationally it's been hard, and I end up feeling rejected and not accepted or understood - and feel like they don't really want to get to know me. I thought maybe it was all in my head, so tried again to reach out and didn't get the response I was hoping for. I can't share any of this with h because these friends have had a big part to play in him coming to believe in taking his business/arts to the next level so they are like his heros in a sense and his precious friends now. So I can't touch that - if I get too close by saying how I feel, he turns it on me. Hence, if I try to share how I feel left out - his responses tell me he thinks I'm the one missing it. So it's been hard that way because I'm used to us being really close.

Anyway, I know that the issues I've had here were not in my head, as I really calmed down, processed things and tried again to reach out and felt like there is no interest on their end to reach back. Of course I could be wrong, but relationally it's not a natural fit for me. So I am trying to just let go of those bad emotions my most recent failed attempt with them has stirred up, but mostly it just bothers me that h is not able to support me. I think that was one of the main issues that prompted me to start this thread. Whenever he talks about how great they are it stirs feelings of hurt and rejection in me. I am trying to process that, and figure I'll just keep things to myself and stop trying to reach out to people I obviously don't gel well with. I'm sad because I do believe they are nice people but I don't think they really 'see' me. It's a new thing for me because normally when we travel, people love me and want to get to know me. I'm not bragging - lol! I'm just saying, this has been a strange experience...But I guess you can't be friends with everybody. Just not used to h being friends with people who ignore me as though I don't exist (vent). That's how I feel anyway. I should stop there.

Thanks for listening- I got lost in my words. I guess my relationship with h has been pretty close so this is just throwing me. It probably seems like nothing to people reading this as I know many guys out there have friends their wives don't necessarily approve of. And I guess that wouldn't bug me - it's the fact that he doesn't validate the hurt I feel that has come through them. I feel like he is choosing them over me. So that is just my wounded side coming through I guess. Oh well.

That aside, it is almost time for Andy Griffith and my night time snack. Woohoo!! lol! I am getting good at 'solitude' these days. I also managed to go without any protein bars so far today so there's a little victory. My body is feeling a bit better already. It's just the sugar in them that isn't good - though they taste nice!

Gotta go. love, Kimberly

Post Edited (manyembers) : 12/17/2007 9:51:48 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 12/18/2007 5:50 AM (GMT 0)

Hi there Embers,

Do you think that there might be some insecutity on her part to where she might be jealous of you?  Which would put up a wall between you and her h.  Or maybe she said something to get him to not talk to you.  Or are they that type of people?  Are they rude to you?  Or do they just not talk to you?  Or are they talking when have to but not opening up so you can have a conversation?  I was just wondering, there could be different scenerios.  Though it is really non of my business, so if you don't want to talk about it, I understand.  Counting the days I imagine.

It becomes safe to hide inside yourself.  But I got to where I didn't like emotions so I blocked a lot which was kind of hard because I was very sensitive.  But I felt that if you hide your feelings, you are that less volnerable, and maybe you wont get hurt.  My mother didn't know me really either.  After not letting people get to know me, then it gets hard when you want to open up or try to express your feelings, especially when you don't really know how you feel bvecause you have been numb for so long.  But I think I am finally healing.  Slow but sure.  I still have this subconscious fear that comes out when I am actually myself being happy that makes me feel that I am doing something wrong.  It is like a panic feeling.  Or a fear of something happening to the people I love and I wont see them anymore.  I really hate when I get like that.  But it happens less and less as time goes by.  Getting kind of deep here.  I get scared to open up.

Oh that baby, I can't describe how good I feel when I hold them.  I wonder do all women feel it?  It must be hormonal.  Because even on my sickest days when I would hold our granddaughter, I would feel good, like a miracle drug or something.  I so look forward to Christmas day when we can go there.  I got all kinds of things for the baby.  I can't wait to give them to mom.

I feel bad that your h isn't supporting you at this time.  Do you think he is an awkward position, or that he just doesn't see it for what it is?  I went through a similar experience when my bf's son came back from Arizona.  I knew he would want to spend time with him and that I wouldn't always feel good enough to go.  But when his son came around he acted different and I didn't like that person.  He actually changed.  We ended up having our one and only fight over it, but things were said that really hurt me.  He has never acted that way since, and I hope that I never see that side of him again.   But he did change back, and it is different now.  I don't want to stand in the way of his relationship with his son.  I just don't want him acting like his son.  And I know that I don't always feel up to going so I try to keep myself occupied with things at home.  But he doesn't go as much now.  Especially over every little thing. 

I guess I will close here, time to go to bed.

I  hope that you have a good night.

Hugs,

Karen

Posted 12/18/2007 8:13 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Karen,

Thanks for responding. Yeah, this couple are not bad people, but just really hard to relate to. It's like you said, instead of opening up in conversation I get one word answers - at least to some extent. I realize the thing that is bothering me is not so much them, as I figure that's just their style - although they are not like that with others I've seen them around, so not sure why they are with me. But what is hard is that my husband can't validate the pain I feel after trying so hard to reach out. It wouldn't bother me so much that he is friends with them if he could just say to me "KImbelry, you've done so many things to reach out to them, and it really hurts me to see how they have been unable to respond to you in a way that could have made a friendship grow. You deserve friends that make you feel good..." You know? SOmething like that. Instead, he STILL says things that is showing me he is not not not wanting to let go of his denial. SO yes, I think he does see the dynamics but just denies it because he doesn't want to see it. Sigh. I guess I'll just need to accept his limitations and insecurities and understand this is not about me. It's just hard when he can be soooo there for me and then NOT. I get used to one thing and then he goes the other direction. See, like you I'm also very sensitive and I tend to think deeply on lots of things, so I've been going over this in my head a lot trying to figure him out! I guess I thought if I could just understand, I would know where to place things and move on, but it doesn't take away those yukky feelings of hurt and abandonment. Honestly, this whole dynamic was a big part of why I was feeling so depressed in this trip...but we'll be home soon and then maybe he'll be home with me again, be his old self.

I do relate to what you shared re. your bf and his son and how he changed. Because that is a lot like what happens with my h, and the pattern I'm going through now with him happens every time we travel. I always vow I won't go on another trip with him...but I do. Just feels like I have to take my heart back every time this happens, and then learn to trust him all over again whenever these trips/situations are over. I will feel we're 'together again' but then the next situation comes. I really do think it's just his own insecurities but sadly that doesn't make it hurt much less.

Okay, on to a happier subject: babies. I tend to think when we love a baby, we are also somehow experiencing healing in our own hearts in that place where as babies we needed that kind of love too. Also, babies are so innocent that we can love them without risk. I mean there is freedom in being able to pour out from our hearts with someone we know is happily recieving us and wno't hurt us. Babies love freely and innocently. That in itself is a powerful thing. And they are just sooo cute of course!

That is so neat that you've got lots of things for mom and baby. I would be excited too about sharing gifts like that. What joy you all will have together! Btw, I'm glad the weather was okay for you to make it to yoru app't earlier today!

You describe well the whole thing of hiding inside and the process of opening up again. I'm glad you can see yourself healing. I think I relate in some ways to what you shared re. the feelings that surface at times. Sometimes when we have had to numb out, our feelings seem to build up inside and can come out of nowhere when we get older, and we just kind of think "What was that?" I understand fears of losing those I love when I am feeling really good. At least I do with h. OFten when I feel close to him, that intense happiness is felt alongside this intense sense of loss that surfaces as I think how I never want to lose him. Old feelings merging with the present I think.

Okay, time to sleep. g-night.

love, Embers
Posted 12/18/2007 9:37 AM (GMT 0)
You are so strong Karen, what a rollercoaster you have been on. It was good you had your grandparents there for you.

I am sure you are going to have a wonderful christmas with your new family and the new addition! and an even better new year!!! lots of best wishes on your forthcoming marriage. Gillian.
Posted 12/18/2007 6:23 PM (GMT 0)

Hey you guys,

For the first time in a couple of months, it isn't too cold.  Though they are talking some freezing drizzle, the sun is trying to shine.  We have doctors appts again today but not very far to drive.  I wish I could go a few months without having to see a doctor of some kind.  But I guess this is just how it goes.

It does sound like your h doesn't want to admit how these people are treating you.  That has to be so hard for you.  I think he is in denial.  He knows you are a kind and considerate person, anybody else would be chomping at the bit.  I am sure that this will change when you get home.  Are you counting the days?  I surely would be.

Did you ever get a chance to look that artist up?  I haven't looked him up on internet, I have seen some of his prints.  John was framing them in barn wood.  They really look cool.  He did some by Clancy too. His style is different though.  It looks like he uses oil paints so there isn't as much detail in his work.  But he does a lot of wolves.  That is one of my favorite things to paint.  I just love them.

Well the holidays are really creeping up fast.  I hope I am done with all the preparations for Christmas day.  I thought about getting dil one more gift.  I may look around today.  We are going up to the county court house to do the paperwork to get marraige certificate.  I am now getting nervous.  I wish I wasn't.  I wont get cold feet though.  It is all of the name changing that I have to do.  But I do want his last name now.  I have been practicing writing it.  Feel like a youngster again.

I hope you guys have a wonderful day.  I will write more later. gotta get ready to go.

Luv and Hugs,

Karen

Posted 12/18/2007 7:02 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Karen,

This thread is getting looong, so I'm going to start a new one - since we started out with 'when does it get better' I think I will name it 'looking forward" since I am looking forward to going home and you are looking forward to your wedding. I'll reply there...

love, Embers
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