Depressed Spouse

Hi Everyone!

I really dont know where to start. This is my first time on a site like this. I guess a little History first. I'm 28 My Husband is 26. We've been together since I was 16 and he was 15. I love him very much and can't imagine living life without him. He's always shown some signs of depression just not severe. However the last couple years have been worse. We are older..... along with that comes... more problems...money...life...kids...etc. These things seem to bring him down more than average. They really affect our marriage and our family! For instance last February he started talking to a woman at work on a regular basis and he claimed he was so unhappy he just couldn't be with me. Loving him the way I do I hung in there even through the put downs and everything... After about two or three months he perked up a little and decided he wanted to stay with the family. By June he was depressed again he always has some reason to be sad (mad) money, kids, me, or not being able to acheive his material goals. So in debt and all, he decided a splurge vacation to see family financed completely on credit cards would make him "happy". The happiness didn't hang on long with the reality of the debt he had made! Its like he doesn't realize where it came from he's always asking me "why are the credit cards so high?" He blames me for not paying them well. He has extremely high expectations, which he admits and says he wishes that he didn't. Well to bring you to now. Of course being around the holidays, and having two kids we are struggling a bit right now. It doesn't help that about a month ago my husband decided that a trip to disney in florida for the family would make him "happy". So here we are in debt, buying Christmas, and trying to pay off the vacation by the Jan. 2nd deadline for the February vacation. Now he is all depressed and mad he says its me, my daughter (who has ADHD), money, and life in general. I've tried to convince him to get help. Sometimes he agrees, then backs out at the last minute!

What do I do? I don't want this to eventually end my marriage!!!!!!!!

It's so hard constantly trying to make someone happy, who seems to be irreversibly sad (mad). He always says he loves me. He appologizes for his behavior and says he wishes he could be happy.

Please if any one has been in or is in this situation, I'm open to advice.

HI there and Welcome to HealingWell,

I too want to welcome you to the forum. We are like one big family here and I hope that you manage to find all the support and answers you need.

As for your husband, have you considered doing marriage councilling? Does he attend councilling / take meds himself? It is unfair that he should place such a burden on you, especially with a daughter who has ADHD (Who I am guessing takes up quite a bit of time). Please dont run yourself into the ground over this. Get some help.

Darren

Hey Wife,
Keep working on getting him to treatment as he is truly not in a good place from your posts.  This has to be very sad and difficult for you.  Please know we care.
Take care of you too.

Hi Wife28

I had met my husband when I was fifteen and we dated through college and were married at 21 (I am 40 now).  He always had his ups and downs.  But when he had his downs he would always get really angry, often yell at me, then always apologize, or get really depressed and down and go through crying fits himself.  I always felt I had to "fix" him and I was more than set to do that.  Over the years, fixing him became soo much harder.  As with you (but not ADD) I had children and a full time job - all of which needed attention too.  And by that point, I was "fixing" things for him 24/7 because they had regularly all become my fault as he would always tell me....But of course he was sorry later.

It got to the point where I felt I was always walking on eggshells.  And about 6 years ago (at that time my younger daughter was almost 2), I literally broke.  Major depression, anxiety attacks, no will for anything, etc.  And then he was so angry with me because I had nothing left for him and things needed to be done.  What little I did have I gave to my daughters.  And I received nothing but grief from him.  Not one bit of sympathy, help, love, nothing..........

My VERY, VERY strong advice to you. Be careful.  Yes, it sounds like something is definately wrong on his end.  But what you need to keep thinking of is will he ever acknowledge this?  I don't want you to run down the same road as I have.  We have been divorced three years and I am still "broken".  I gave over 20 years of my life fixing somebody that truly never wanted to be fixed.  He wanted to control because he couldn't and didn't want to face his own problems.  ...If you're always worried about debt now, this is going to keep growing.  I remember on our vacations that they were always a double edged sword for me.  He would get uptight half way through about going home to reality.  The trip back was always awful as I was always waiting for the other foot to fall.  And my kids didn't even know they were effected --but yes it did have a big effect on them.

Please, by all means, keep trying to help him - he is your husband and the father of your child(ren) whom you have been with for a long time. And hopefully your situation is not similar to mine. BUT do be aware and do not let him break you down.  This happens when all you do is give, give, give and live under the severe and constant pressure for too long.  ..In some cases try to hold yourself back from offering to do some things.  He needs to do some things for himself.

As usual, I have over-wrote here.  But what you wrote reminds me so much of where I was, what I went through, and how broken I still feel now.  Remember, you also need to be taken care of and loved and treated with dignity.  And what is equally as important is your children.  Living in a turmoiled atmosphere is not good for them either...  I'll keep up my prayers for you.

Cass