emergency situation with diabetic

Hello all,
Basically here's the situation, my ex-husband is 61 and a total mess of a person. A TOTAL MESS! He almost died shortly after Thanksgiving, he was in the hospital for over a week due to Diabetes "problems". To say "problems" is putting it nicely. OMG where do I begin???

He lives in a studio apartment in total filth, feces and urine on the sticky carpet, trash everywhere. Stiff urine soaked clothes everywhere. He sleeps on 2 urine soaked mattresses on the floor. Upon entering the door the stench is overwhelming!! He has neuropathy "down there" so he doesn't even know when he's peeing. His 9 toes (one was removed) are raw with bloody sores and he doesn't care. He has wounds on his feet, legs, and arms so when he pees on himself it just goes straight onto his leg wounds and feet. Without exaggerating at all I can honestly say it's HORRIBLE. ONLY HIS ROACHES WILL LIVE WITH HIM.

I checked his blood sugar recently and it was 487. I am only visiting here in Utah. Yes, he has roaches in UTAH IN THE WINTER.

Yesterday I got him to put on an adult diaper. I've been going over there and "cleaning" FOR AS LONG AS I CAN STAND IT. After a few minutes of gagging and spraying with air freshener and opening his one window, I can actually talk to him. My son and I are TRYING to clean enough so he can stay in his section 8 housing. His neighbors in the complex are complaining so this is probably a waste because it's only a matter of time before he's on the streets.

THE BIG EMERGENCY IS HOW DO WE GET HIM OUT OF THERE AND INTO A FACILITY before he DIES??? He's on Medicaid but not 65. I clean and yell at him but it does no good at all. I've tried being nice, don't get me wrong, but he will never change. He says he doesn't mind living like this but who knows what's going on in his head.

His life is like a really nasty, gross episode of Hoarders where the hoarder will not give consent to anything.

WHERE DO I START WHEN THERE ISN'T TIME TO WASTE? HE CAN'T WAIT UNTIL HE'S 65 BECAUSE WE FEAR HE WON'T MAKE IT TO 62 MUCH LESS 65. I want to get him into the hospital but he won't consent. I've called 911 to "check on him" but they won't do anything.

Need I say more? I just need to know the RIGHT PLACE TO START. THERE'S NO TIME TO PLAY GAMES AND I JUST GET DISCOURAGED AT THE WEBSITE.

AND NO I'm not co-dependent or a doormat I just don't want my kids to have to deal with this after I leave. And no we have no money for an expensive home.

SHOULD WE JUST LET HIM GO???????????????????? I totally DREAD going there and it's only been 3 days! I leave my shoes on the porch and then shower and change clothes when I get to my son's house. Hours later I can still smell the stench in my mind. I can only stay an hour and a half tops, it's just too too much. He's been an a-- to the kids so they barely care, so why should I????

End of my rope, Diane

Post Edited By Moderator (Lanie G) : 3/22/2018 1:29:01 PM (GMT-6)

Diane, try to speak to his doctor and explain this man is not able to make decisions and cannot care for himself; ask the doctor what resources are available for you to contact. Call the Medicaid office and explain the same thing. The fact is he cannot care for himself, he might have dementia since he cannot makes decisions about his life and health. Ask the people at Medicaid what resources are available to you - however, as his ex-wife, you probably have no legal power. If your children are adults, maybe they can get power of attorney and with your help find out how to get him more help. I think he needs total care.

I'm afraid what you and your son are doing will not last as soon as he's on his own, so he needs oversight.

Diane D,

So sorry you & your son are having to deal with this situation. Obviously your ex is having mental issues that are contributing to the diabetes & living situations.

All I can think of is to have your son find your ex's Medicaid account information - then with that find out how to ask Medicaid Social Services to get involved. I would imagine that they deal with elderly non-compliant patients all the time. (Not that your ex is elderly, but they probably have experience with elderly being non-compliant more often than younger people.)

If he is admitted to the hospital again, do the same there - get the hospital's Social Services involved.

Best wishes.

Diane, you need to get pictures of the mess he is living in & of his wounds. Your son can transfer the pictures from your phone to his. In all honesty your son is who the authorities will talk to more than likely. If your son works during the day you can tell them you are trying to help your son get things rolling. These pictures can be shown to his dr. If he is on medications these pics can be shown to his treating dr. as to the state he is in physically.

I would go to the local police depart & explain the situation including showing them pics of him & the conditions he is living in. The police department should be a very good source of information. Do not call them, go there. Showing them the pictures will truly go a long way.

As Lynnwood suggested get in contact with his social worker through Medicaid. There will be a local office in his town.

He is hopefully either receiving Social Security Disability if he worked & paid into Medicare. If he didn't work, he would be eligible for Supplemental Security Income which is for people that have not paid into Medicare.

Another person here at HW says to contact ADULT PROTECTIVE SERVICES, I looked up their toll free number, 1-877-424-4640. These people should be able to help. I would call them first thing this morning. They cover everything from elderly abuse to people not able to take care of their own needs.

Diane, I highly suspect at this point he is mentally unbalanced because of the health issues. He will have to be declared mentally incompetent in order for your son to be able to handle his affairs, such as decisions for medical treatment & his finances. I think the Adult Protective Services will have a lot to offer in this area as well.

Diane, you've gotten excellent advice here and I hope you and your son can follow up on those social worker organizations and with his prescribing doctor. Please keep us updated! And good luck.

Okay, it's out of my hands. I'm back in California. I've presented your ideas and my kids are ready to call the police and have them check his "health" out and his living conditions. So far, they're just leaving him alone to let his condition get back to before I cleaned for him. That shouldn't take more than a few days if he doesn't change his tune. The police need to see how he REALLY lives and go from there. My daughter researched and since her Dad is on Medicaid they'll pay for a home for him.

I sent Mark (my ex) a letter since he STILL has his phone accidentally turned off and doesn't know how to turn it on. I sent him pictures of his new and only Grand-daughter as well as a SASE and paper to write my son and tell him how he's doing. For what it was worth, I even dug up a little compassion.

A neighbor I called says he's "okay"... But then EVERYONE in his section 8 building is messed up. It's a sad, sad place. So his version of "okay" is probably tainted. But I hear this neighbor has a good heart.

We're just giving him time. I suggested a week or so to give him time to respond to my letters. I wrote one on the 3rd of this month. No response. Adult Protective Services have been contacted but there's not much they can do without the cooperation of Mark. But, from what I and my daughter understand, the police can and will.

I didn't go there to Utah to rescue my ex. I went there for the birth of my Grandchild, to work, and to spend Christmas with my adult kids who all live there. So please forgive me that I am and wasn't obsessed with him. This horrible situation just "came up" unplanned. Mark isn't really deserving of all this "attention".

Once we get him into a safe place we will be done with him. Long painful story. I suppose what goes around comes around. I suppose it is sad that this is how he is choosing to live...

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR SUGGESTIONS. -Diane

Sigh...So sad, ugh. So much has happened and new problems have cropped up in an already impossible situation. I had the police go check on him, they said he was okay. And then 3 days later he was found in his car unconscious. He was taken to the hospital where the next day they amputated 3 toes. We thought they were only taking the black one. Next they took is foot. Then his leg below the knee. 2 days after that he lost a toe on his other foot. So he has a total of 3 toes.

He was in the hospital for a couple of weeks and now he's in a rehab nursing facility waiting for a prostetic. He' not eating much and he thinks he's going back to his apartment any day now. His apartment is still unlivable even after my son has spent several days cleaning. The roaches are spreading into other apartments so the management wants him out for good! But he's got 1 week...

His insurance only covers the rehab place for 3 months and then he's out. He was told he has Liver Disease too. My son is working SO HARD trying to help his dad who deserves none of this. But what's the use? He's just going to be getting kicked out even if the place does get cleaned up. They understandably are fed up with him. They being the management and his neighbors.

It's very depressing even as an ex-wife living 700+ miles away. If all goes as expected, Mark will be disabled and homeless in 2 months. My son has his own problems to deal with. He can't afford a nursing home...

But I encouraged my son to make an appointment to talk to the social workers again and Adult Protective Services too. But things don't look good. Thank you for "listening".

He's on Medicare and Medicaid, one of which he actually lost. My son told me which one but I can't remember. He's also had Social Security for being disabled (He's got behavioral "issues" , Schizophrenic) this is why we're divorced among other reasons. As far as I know, he hasn't had a job in over 27 years.

Diane, if he has Medicare & considering the medical expenses to date & the need for the future I would be willing to bet a social worker at the hospital is trying to get him qualified for Medicaid to help with those medical expenses after Medicare pays. The hospital will want every penny they can get. He has a social worker at the hospital & your son can contact this person to discuss this. Here is an example, my brother had several long term hospitalizations & inpatient rehab because of brain bleeds. The social worker's job was to work with his private insurance to facilitate whatever he needed & it be covered by insurance. By the way, he had excellent private insurance. It is no different with Medicare.

Once rehab is completed he may need to be in a nursing home. Nursing homes often reserve so many beds for people on Medicare. Papers have to be signed stating the nursing home will receive their monthly Social Security check as payment for living there. A small monthly amount of money is given to the patient each month for personal items & the nursing home gets the rest.

If this man is a veteran he may be entitled to many things offered through the VA.

All of this can be handled by your son which will not take up much of his time. In fact most of it can be handled by phone calls.

Oh, gosh, I'm sorry, Diane. He had so many problems. I hope the rest of the family is doing better at this point.