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Posted 9/6/2008 3:53 PM (GMT 0)
Since you've had back issues, Can I ask you a question? I get pain all the way down my left leg so intense after the Act of Love, that my foot hurts so much? what would you do to help that? I've tried to ask and tell the doctor this but he donesn't listen. and it's pretty embarrassing. But the pain in the bottom of my left foot is aweful afterwards for several hours and no one is listening to me about it!!! I have spinal stenosis and wonder if that's causing my problems. Thanks for listening to me...Thanks for posting this topic.
Lots of soft hugz to you and prayers.
Posted 9/8/2008 11:21 PM (GMT 0)
Hi to Karen & all the wonderful ladies here! May I be allowed to share a humble, male perspective on this? I read all of your responses and I have nothing but the utmost respect and admiration for all of you trying to do what your body & physical condition will allow for your relationship with your spouse or SO. It is a sacrifice in every sense of the word because of the consequences this condition presents for certain exertion and movement and it is even harder for those whose condition and body just will not allow it. This IS a touchy and tough subject to talk about and I applaud all of you for your willingness to discuss this in truth and honesty.

I completely sympathize and understand all of your feelings on this.....this fibro thing puts restrictions on virtually EVERYTHING you do. Even the best of intentions and best-laid plans can be wrecked in the blink of an eye with a sudden flare or a worsening of one you may already be experiencing. I'm right there with y'all......my sisters......I have to play by the same set of rules that you do so my restrictions mirror many of y'alls. However, in my case, the fibro, cfs and cebv are not the main culprits in my sex life. It is the blood pressure med, the cholesterol med, the antidepressant, the thyroid med, the heart arrythmia med, the testosterone shot and the sleep apnea. Those combined with the effects of the 3 conditions have rendered my virtually impotent. This is not an admission most men would make easily to another woman and almost never to another man. I cannot take any of those meds like Viagra, Cialis, Levitra, etc. for chance of an adverse reaction with my other meds.

Someone mentioned "pressure" from all of those E.D. ads and commercials splattered all over television and radio......those things sink me right to the bottom of the abyss and enrage me because ALL of them tout the word "performance" as if all men are in a mad competition to impress constantly!!!! I get these things DAILY in random and spam emails!! It's a virtual bombardment!!

This has greatly affected my marriage for the last 3 years. My wife has always had a much higher "drive" than I have and this has been very hard on her.......she's only 49 and doesn't want to retire this part of her life. Sure, there are other ways to compensate and satisfy but, I can tell, they don't replace the real thing. What's worse, my desire for intimacy is gone and I don't know if it will ever come back! Without desire it becomes so workmanlike and something is definitely lost in the translation and I am not a good actor. She has been very patient and understanding on the surface but I see the loss in her eyes and hear it in her voice. She recently admitted an attempted affair with one of our fellow church members that didn't happen and her conscience betrayed her to me. After an initial period of anger and hurt, I forgave her because I.......couldn't........blame.......her! We've had counseling and are still together......30 years this past August 26th.....but where the future goes from here is somewhat uncertain. I've told her to really think about what she really wants for the rest of her life because I don't think I can give her everything she wants. We love and care for each other very much but I just don't know if that is going to be enough.

So, the bottom line is when you hear of the stereotypical man complaining about a woman "It's always the woman that doesn't want it", "She always has a headache", "She's always tired", "There's always something wrong with her", that is an untrue statement and I'm here to attest to that! Men have sex problems too.....most are just are too darn macho and proud to admit it!!!!

Thank y'all so much for allowing me to share this with y'all......it was not easy......I feel the closeness of friendship and family here and I totally appreciate y'all letting me be a part of it!

Gentlest of hugs,

John

Posted 9/9/2008 12:48 AM (GMT 0)
I have to say you are the most amazing people I've ever had the good fortune to meet. My marriage has been without sex for four years. His health and too many meds are to blame. We have lost the closeness we once had. It has been very hard for me to deal with. I'm not a nice person at times because despite the fact that I know the reason is physical inability I still feel rejected. I want to encourage you to keep trying. It is so important. You have my admiration for being real.
Posted 9/9/2008 12:50 AM (GMT 0)
John, I'm sorry you are going through this too.  It's hard enough for women to got through but I honestly think it's worse on a man.  You are correct.  Society puts too much emphasis on "performance".  I know just walking down the street with my husband having his arm around me would have me walking on air.  It was the little things that I really remember from our marriage.

Have you spoken to  your doctors about all of this or are you keeping this silent?  You know, they may be able to help you in this area.  I'm sure  you are not the only male they have heard this from.  You do have a lot of medications that you are taking but there still could possibly be some help for you. 

 

It has to be so difficult, especially since you and  your wife have 30 years invested in this marriage.  I can't speak for your wife, but I know I would never throw a marriage out over sex.  That's just a tiny portion of what sharing lives is all about.  The loving words, the helping one another, the cuddling always made me feel so good and so loved.  That's really what many people, men as well as women, are looking for.  They want unconditional love. 

 

Perhaps you feel inadequate so you are not reaching out to her.  Maybe all she wants is to see that you love her so much.  For some, I know that is difficult to do but it is certainly worth the effort.  Never hesitate to thank her for things she does for you, show her, in words and actions, how much you love her.  If you both work hand in hand together, the happiness and love will be worth all the effort and will help to keep your marriage strong. 

 

Sherrine  

Posted 9/9/2008 1:19 AM (GMT 0)

Hi John, you do not know me, I am fairly new but I must say I admire your honesty regarding this subject.  It is so hard being on both sides of this issue.  My husband has tried to be patient with me but like you I couldn't blame him if he went elsewhere.  No only do we have medical issues standing in the way, we also have three kids interrupting every minute of our day and night.  I want things to be what they were but they are not and I'm not sure that they will ever be again.  Marriage vows say through sickness and health but how do you get past the guilt of not doing your part.  This is a very difficult subject and like you and your wife, me and my husband are having to figure things out. 

Thank you to everyone for sharing your stories.  It does help to know that others are experiencing similiar problems as embarrasing as they may be to talk about blush .

Meggie

Posted 9/9/2008 2:36 AM (GMT 0)
I'm not a nice person at times because despite the fact that I know the reason is physical inability I still feel rejected.

 

You are not alone!!!

My s/o has Parkinson's Disease. We have only been together for about two years and I swore it would not be an issue. But somehow, when I wasn't looking, it became an issue... sad   Not just for me, but for him as well. He feels like he has failed me and I feel guilty because he feels that way.

Sigh....Hang in there, folks.

Posted 9/9/2008 3:20 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Chuzzle! Try not to be so hard on yourself for how you feel. You're a human being with expectations, hopes and dreams just like anybody else. Those vows that profess "in sickness and in health" and "for better or for worse" and are so easy to say and follow when you first start out a new journey with someone with bright, new hopes and expectations are so easy to drown in when the words "health" and "better" are either omitted or rarely equally balanced out down the road. What makes it worse is that many of us appear "healthy" on the outside and it is so easy to assume the book should or can be read by the cover! In every relationship, there is always one who has to "deal with" more than the other......I don't think that equation will ever equal out. That is part of the overall "spice of life" that dictates the phrase "No two people are ever truly alike" and gives credence to the statements "ups and downs" and "roller coaster ride". However, all of the quaint sayings and euphemisms aren't much help when reality is staring you in the face..........I truly understand dear!

To Sherrine......thank you for your heartfelt sympathy and encouragement dear! Neither my PCP or my rheumy thinks it's a good idea to tempt an interaction or reaction with any of those meds. And it's not just the meds......it's also the conditions themselves of blood pressure and heart arrythmia (though mild and under control with Toprol). And neither I nor my wife like the low but definite risk of side effects from E.D. meds like possible sight and/or hearing loss. That leaves herbal/natural treatments and mechanical/electrical "devices" for "stimulation" or "enhancement". The herbal/natural stuff still has the potential for side effects and reaction/interaction so it would have to be carefully selected and diligently monitored and may or may not work and my wife has flatly ruled out any mechanical/electrical devices for me (Thank God......some of those "things" looked ominous, even tortuous! On the bright side though, they made me a legitimate candidate, in some rather unique ways, to be in the next Transformers movie.(lol)) The fact that I get testosterone shots every two weeks (for the rest of my life I've been told) and take thyroid meds is a telltale sign of a significant hormonal mess. The testosterone shot is actually proven to give men a "boost" in libido......a "swagger to the walk" if you will......for the first several days and then levels fall until next shot day - a roller-coaster effect. When I first started on these about 4 - 5 years ago and for a while thereafter, that was true but that effect eventually went away over time. So, bottom line, my options are very limited at best. All of the rest of the things you mentioned we try to practice as much as possible but only time will tell if it's enough.

To Meggie.......my heart and thoughts are with you my dear. There is a lot of work ahead of y'all. What I've learned over the last 3 or so years is all you can do is give it your best shot physically, mentally and spiritually and hope for the best. You can only do what is humanly possible. Where it goes from there is in God's hands. I know this sounds simplistic but whatever happens, happens and worrying about or dwelling on the unknown will only make you feel worse. Remember, fibro loves stress!

To Greensleaves.......I completely understand what you and your SO are going through. Relationships are complicated enough without having to throw health issues in there. Feelings are a hard thing to live with but I imagine it would be even harder to live without. Dang, it's hard being human!!!

(I blame it all on two people.....Adam & Eve, a sly, evil snake, an apple and not passing the temptation test.)

Gentlest of hugs for all,
John

Posted 9/9/2008 5:21 PM (GMT 0)
John you are so great. smilewinkgrin Not many men would share that with all us women.

 

Like most couples my DH and I have gone through peaks and valleys during the course of our marriage with age difference and kids etc. He was on a BP med at one time that had an effect on him, of course it was during my peak time and we had to work through that and he got the med straightened out. But I must say I was frustrated during that time. There have been times when I have not been very interested and even though he never said anything I'm sure he felt some rejection. For many years now we are both on the same page, finally. And I think it is a big relief to both of us that it's not an issue anymore for either one of us. But I think we are both aware that it could change anytime do to age and medical problems. I know I don't take anything in life for granted anymore. When things do change for either one of us we will work it out somehow.

 

So I really hope that you and your wife can work this out and who knows what may be around the corner to help you. But please don't pull away from her cause you can't perform the way she would like for you to. Sometimes I think it is feeling his skin on mine that makes me feel close to him and not so much the act itself. I always say communication is so important in a marriage cause we are not mind readers and we don't know what the other wants or needs.

 

luv and hugs

Marlee

 

 

Posted 9/9/2008 9:04 PM (GMT 0)

Gawrsh Marlee, blush thank you for the compliment! All of you wonderful women have been so kind, open, honest, frank and even humorous about yourselves and what's concerning or bothering you. What kind of family member would I be if I wasn't willing to do the same? The only real difference between us is our genetic makeup. Believe it or not, I truly see us all as equals with different parts.......another gift of upbringing from my mother and sister-in-law. I am always willing to share and be open and honest about anything. I have no taboos with my fibro-family since I consider all of you to be close and trusted friends as well as family. There is never a need for any fear of causing me embarassment, insult or hurt feelings on anything any of you may say to me or ask of me!!!!!! We are all here to learn, share, advise, listen, console, laugh and cry with each other as family & friends and I'm happy and right proud that y'all have accepted me as such. In that respect, I'm just another one of the guys, (or girls) if you prefer!!!! tongue

I've always seemed to relate to women better than men in general anyway. I could never discuss most of this stuff with another man unless he was a doctor, therapist or a fellow sufferer willing to share as well. These kinds of things ARE taboo among men......heck, even talking about FIBROMYALGIA/CFS/CEBV leads to an uncomfortable feeling with any other man since society considers these to be "women's" afflictions so you can imagine where a discussion of sex, impotence, intimacy, etc. would lead! shakehead   Even my own boss, a really nice guy whose own wife suffers from some similar issues as us, had a disbelieving and uncomfortable look on his face and sound in his voice when I told him what I was diagnosed with! Most men just aren't willing to share personal aspects of their life with others so I guess I'm really in a minority there.

Most of those meds I mentioned can cause libido/impotence problems just by themselves but in combination with each other and with the fibro/cfs/cebv stuff.......well, you get my drift. After years of taking all these meds and reaching a good control point for those conditions with a minimum of other side effects, I am reluctant to start changing meds just to try and get libido back at the expense of who-knows-what other side effects. My wife not only agrees but insists I stay the course. If it was only 1 or 2 meds, that's one thing, but it's 6 - 8! Changing the ingredients in a cocktail will definitely change the taste and response of the individual drinking it.

On the whole, my wife and I get along great. There is no pulling away on either side but, I can tell, we both detect an air of uneasiness and uncertainty between us. We have great communication on most things but she was raised in a very conservative, somewhat strict, christian/catholic household where certain things WERE taboo and are uncomfortable for her still to this very day and therein lies the biggest problem between us.......a lack of honest, frank openness which I have but she doesn't. It's not her fault......it's a result of ideals, traits and values taught to her by her parents and that's ok......they were programmed in as good, family values and I have no problem with that whatsoever......they are! Somewhere along the way, though, I learned tolerance, acceptance and open-mindedness on top of those good, strict, family values.....the ability to see ANY issue from all sides before saying anything or reacting to it. I've noticed over all these years that attempting to discuss certain things with her are still difficult at best because I sometimes still shock her with my openness and frankness.....you'd think after 35 years of being together......but, hey, I know her limits. She was raised on the traditional "Men are men, women are women, up is up, down is down, there is only black and white and "Never the twain shall meet!" (Whatever in the heck that last statement means) Anyway, 35 years later, she is still amazed, pleased, uneasy and disturbed all at the same time by my ability to see the gray beyond the black and white. Communication IS so important but it can only go so far if there is not a willingness on both parties to expand the boundaries and open the mind at least a little. I'm not saying the sky is the limit by any means but there is far more that resides in that sky beyond stars.

Gentlest of hugs,

John

Marlee2 said...
John you are so great. smilewinkgrin Not many men would share that with all us women.

 

Like most couples my DH and I have gone through peaks and valleys during the course of our marriage with age difference and kids etc. He was on a BP med at one time that had an effect on him, of course it was during my peak time and we had to work through that and he got the med straightened out. But I must say I was frustrated during that time. There have been times when I have not been very interested and even though he never said anything I'm sure he felt some rejection. For many years now we are both on the same page, finally. And I think it is a big relief to both of us that it's not an issue anymore for either one of us. But I think we are both aware that it could change anytime do to age and medical problems. I know I don't take anything in life for granted anymore. When things do change for either one of us we will work it out somehow.

 

So I really hope that you and your wife can work this out and who knows what may be around the corner to help you. But please don't pull away from her cause you can't perform the way she would like for you to. Sometimes I think it is feeling his skin on mine that makes me feel close to him and not so much the act itself. I always say communication is so important in a marriage cause we are not mind readers and we don't know what the other wants or needs.

 

luv and hugs

Marlee

 

 

Posted 9/9/2008 9:12 PM (GMT 0)
I got to say "wow".  I was hoping this would open the proverbial can of worms when I started this thread but never expected such a great sharing with this being a touchy subject.  I kinda had a feeling with just the sheer number of ppl on here that something would come out of it and as for you Jev.......what took ya so long to join in with us ladies? shocked I can tell with just the weight that Jay had put on his desire wasnt around so much either but that is something that is fixable.  I have always wanted to be loving and close with Jay but as for the passion thats supposed to come next with the closeness for the most part that just isnt there.  I can remember back to when I had all those feelings and it was a great time in our life but its like a switch has been shut off most days.  I have told Jay that if he put more effort forward in our love life he would get alot more response and that really hasnt happened either.  I have to say that that part does hurt.  That he knows I can get some of those feeling back if he would try but I dont know if its been out of sight out of mind for too long or what because his lack of trying on his part to get me where I need to be is not happening and if this is a choice he is making then that hurts because all this time I lost my libido wasnt a choice at all but due to medications and if it had been within my power to change that I dont see why someone would not want to if the wanting was there all the time and maybe thats something that isnt anymore for him or it could be just plain laziness too.  I have noticed as he has gained all this weight that his drive for other things in his life have gone to hell as well.  Not caring about his appearence and his home surroundings,cleaning up after himself and such and I have already brought all this up to him and it seems to fall on deaf ears as I dont get much response other then " I dont have any excuse" and thats it nothing further.  Pretty sad after over 8 years invested in someone.

 

No excuse and no plans to change it so where does that leave me?  I know I got into this whole thing with Jay way too fast at the end of a bad marriage and was grasping at any attention at all anything to let me know I was still a woman.  And I also told Jay that I was looking for someone with love and compassion and empathy and a zest for life with family as I knew the rest of my life would include grandchildren and I feel lately like Jay falls short in all of those wants and needs.  He just doesnt seem to care other then with me and even that isnt much lately. Its like night and day when he is at work.  He is a dynomo of energy and laughter and bantering back and forth with his young enployee's.  I walj over there and join in the so called "ggod time" only to get home and that's all gone again.  He seems bored and just waiting for the end of the day so he can go back to work.  He even leaves way early in the morning.  But I am so tired of starting over again.  And then I think who the hell would want me at this point in my life? who would enter a new relasionship knowing all the health problems I have? and it makes me so mad because Jay knew what I wanted from the start and I still want those things with him but what if that wasnt who he ever was from the start?  Gosh I see how it is with some of you guys and I think if only we could branch off into new couples we would all suit our needs but life doesnt happen like that does it?

 

It is just getting so hard to live with someone who doesnt take joy in the things I do.....fixing up our home as meager as that may be but to make it something lovely just the same without alot of money and someone equal in the joy I get from my grandkids because they are the future of our lives and they need all the nurturing they can get and just enjoying a walk on a sunny day because who knows when the ability to walk wont be there anymore?  Maybe I enjoy more and see more with the health problems I have had and know how easily so much could be takin from me that I dont want to waste a moment on so much negativity.  Maybe some ppl are just who they are and thats not good enough anymore.  I call them dream squashers ppl that can take you from feeling bubbly and full of life to crying all in a moment and that makes me so tired.  To be supposrtive of the things that excite them only to tell your ideas and have someone say "oh that's stupid" Forgive me for blabbing from one thing to the next but I think I am just trying to sort out whats important to me and when I want to give up trying.

 

Soft Hugs,

Karen

Posted 9/9/2008 9:34 PM (GMT 0)
Karen, if I recall correctly, Jay quite a few years younger than you are.  If this is so, you need to remember that men mature slower than women.  You have experienced a lot in your years here, gone through a bad marriage, and you have acquired a lot of wisdom, too.  He's still catching up with you. 

 

I know, in my marriage, there was a time where we were starting to head in opposite directions.  I think most marriages go through this.  It takes work on both parties to keep things together.  You need to really decide if he is worth it.  That's what I did and I knew I loved him a lot but, at times, didn't like him very much.  I know you know what I mean.  But, I was in for the long haul and I'm so thankful that that was my decision.  We came together and melded together and had a wonderful life together.  Our love for one another just grew and grew.  It just takes some effort and understanding.

 

Sherrine

Posted 9/10/2008 12:04 AM (GMT 0)

Karen, it sounds to me like Jay may be depressed.  He may be taking your request for him to lose weight a little to personally.  My husband has some of these same issues.  He has left himself go and doesn't feel very good about himself and my medical problems feel like an excuse for me to stay away from him.  My husband has asked why I don't want him anymore.  I keep telling him that I really do want to feel that way again and that I love him but I know that he still feels rejected.  He has also told me that he feels like he is walking on egg shells all the time not knowing from day to day how I will feel.  We are going through a lot with our daily aches and pains but the spouses are going through something too.  It's probably easy for him to joke around at work, maybe it's a release for him, a break from reality.  I wouldn't give up on your relationship yet.  You and Jay need to talk and really get out how you are feeling.  If you love each other, things can be worked out.  Hang in there!

Meggie

Posted 9/10/2008 5:47 AM (GMT 0)
Still hanging just frustraited and wanting it to be a lil less one sided. I mean I have been supportive but there has to come a time when that person moves on in one direction or another is he going to choose to give us a chance starting with him trying to be healthier or just give up? I try to talk to him but it's hard when your met by silence. Funny how silence can sound so deafening at times.
Posted 9/10/2008 2:11 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Karen! I'm so sorry you are having to go through such a dilemma. Relationships really are hard.....I know. If you only had yourself to account for, you would make all the decisions for what's best for YOU for everything. When there is another person involved, be it an SO, child or whatever, I don't care how solid the relationship is, there will be times of trials and obstacles simply because you are two, separate, unique human beings and no two people are ever going to totally agree or be completely in sync with each other on everything. I believe it's what they call part of the "spice of life." It's the ability to negotiate those trials and obstacles that determines the degree of success the relationship achieves. If one of those in the relationship is not willing to do their part of the negotiating then........well......that's where you are now. shakehead My whole feeling on the matter of relationships is that you have to be willing to have and use TLC. In this instance the acronym stands for Talk, Listen and Compromise! And it cannot be one-sided only.....they have to BOTH be willing to TLC. My relationship is currently having some difficulty in TLC as you know so I know exactly how you feel. Hang in there dear and keep trying........most breakthroughs don't happen overnight!

Gentlest of hugs,

John

Posted 9/10/2008 2:54 PM (GMT 0)
Karen, if your looking for a man that is going to fill all your needs and expectations it's never going to happen. You would have to build your own man for that to happen and the last time I checked the only thing you can build yourself is teddy bears.

 

There are things about my DH that drives me up a wall. We have a list of things that we have agreed to disagree on, and it's a long list by now. There will never be a meeting of the minds on these things so we don't discuss them. We are two individuals with two minds and two personalities. I use to drive him crazy with my perfectionism. I'm sure he is quite relieved that is over.

 

We do share the same family values when it comes to our children and grandchildren. They are at the top of our list. He is taking off work this afternoon so we can go to our 9 yr old grandson's school for grandparents day cause that is important to both of us. A lot of grandpa's might see that as trivial and not worth taking off work for.

 

We love to travel together. We love "road trips". Not so comfy for me anymore but he is understanding of that.

 

I guess what I'm saying is the base of our relationship and the love we have for one another is still there and that trumps all the little quirks that we don't like about each other. Marriage is a work in progress at all times cause it is forever changing.

 

Someone asked this little old couple that had been married for 75 yrs what the secret to their marriage was and she said,"we never fell out of love at the sametime".

 

luv and hugs

Marlee

 

 

Posted 9/10/2008 4:20 PM (GMT 0)
Hey, Marlee, Dr. Phil could sure use your great advice!  yeah   You are right on the money!

 

Oops!  I'm being nice again. DARN!   mad   devil

Sherrine

Posted 9/10/2008 4:38 PM (GMT 0)
I know I haven't really said much about this, because I have a hard time censoring myself at times. wink   But, I just want to comment to all of you ladies (and one amazing man, John) for being so open with your feelings about this.  I know I am a little bit younger than a lot of y'all, so it's actually very refreshing to hear that some of the more mature people are willing to be so honest about this subject.

 

John,

 

You are possibly one of the bravest, most honest and compassionate men I've "never met." LOL  I've been in a REALLY horrible, abusive relationship, so I have a really hard time trusting men.  Actually, I have a hard time trusting anyone. rolleyes   Anyway, you have given me some hope that there just might be a few good men out there.  I hope your wife realizes just how truly blessed she is to have you.  Yes, sex is important to woman (I don't know why a lot of men think that we don't think about it as much-if not more-than they do), but so is compassion, romance, and understanding.  I'm sorry to all the people in CA, but I just haven't been able to find a real gentleman out here.  But, John, wherever you live, you ARE a real gentleman.  Thank you for reminding me that y'all DO exist. blush

 

Alrighty, ladies (and John, I think I can speak for all of us when I say that you are more than welcome to be "one of the girls," LOL wink ), I just wanted to let y'all know that you've helped me start dealing with a few (of many) of my "men issues" because of this thread. 

 

And, my dear, dear, QTKaren, you are amazing! yeah   BTW-I hope you feel better, soon.  Write me back when you can, but no hurry. 

Posted 9/10/2008 7:16 PM (GMT 0)

kelly71 said...
I know I haven't really said much about this, because I have a hard time censoring myself at times. wink   But, I just want to comment to all of you ladies (and one amazing man, John) for being so open with your feelings about this.  I know I am a little bit younger than a lot of y'all, so it's actually very refreshing to hear that some of the more mature people are willing to be so honest about this subject.

 

John,

 

You are possibly one of the bravest, most honest and compassionate men I've "never met." LOL  I've been in a REALLY horrible, abusive relationship, so I have a really hard time trusting men.  Actually, I have a hard time trusting anyone. rolleyes   Anyway, you have given me some hope that there just might be a few good men out there.  I hope your wife realizes just how truly blessed she is to have you.  Yes, sex is important to woman (I don't know why a lot of men think that we don't think about it as much-if not more-than they do), but so is compassion, romance, and understanding.  I'm sorry to all the people in CA, but I just haven't been able to find a real gentleman out here.  But, John, wherever you live, you ARE a real gentleman.  Thank you for reminding me that y'all DO exist. blush

 

Alrighty, ladies (and John, I think I can speak for all of us when I say that you are more than welcome to be "one of the girls," LOL wink ), I just wanted to let y'all know that you've helped me start dealing with a few (of many) of my "men issues" because of this thread. 

 

And, my dear, dear, QTKaren, you are amazing! yeah   BTW-I hope you feel better, soon.  Write me back when you can, but no hurry. 

Hi Kelly! Wow, thank you so much for those sweet compliments! blush  Your calling me a REAL gentleman is one of the finest compliments a man should ever be proud of receiving.....it's what I WANT to be and what I strive for so thank you again for that! That red glow and associated heat waves that you see on the horizon far to your southeast (since you mention California, I assume that's where you are) is my face glowing all the way over here in Texas. I live 40 miles or so northwest of the Houston area where we are all getting ready for our nasty little visitor, Ike!

I am so, so sorry that you have had to endure abuse of any kind. I am completely close-minded when it comes to that subject.....abuse of any kind is totally NOT ACCEPTABLE!!!!! I have no tolerance, patience or understanding for it whatsoever and I wish it never existed!!!!! I can completely understand your trust issues.....you have been VIOLATED and treated as sub-human and that is not acceptable. Anger, disagreements, misunderstandings, mistakes, passions.....they're all part of natural human nature and they happen. However, God and society gave us a set of rules within which to operate our emotions and actions and nowhere does the word "abuse" appear! Momentary loss of control can and does happen because we ARE human and therefore not perfect but it is our God and society-commanded duty to do our very best to maintain control at all times! Please don't judge all men by the actions of the bad apples. There ARE good guys out there and I bet there are even a few in California if you look hard enough dear. Please don't let your heart overrule your feminine intuition and moral standards. Those are outstanding God-given tools so use them to your advantage!

As for my wife, I must have done something right for her to stay with me for 35 years (including dating, going steady and marriage time). Our 13 year old daughter is one other good reason to try to make this work. Everybody has in their own mind who their "ideal" partner should be. That I fall short of "ideal" standards is not surprising because I personally don't think that the pairing of "ideal" and "human" will ever exist. That you have expectations, hopes, dreams and strive for that pairing is commendable but unrealistic. I have fallen short of several of her "ideals" but I must have passed more than I failed. What you and others may see as compassionate and understanding, for instance, she sees as a weakness in me, kinda' strange and less than manly in her mind. She says I'm too nice, too acceptable, too forgiving, too compassionate, too understanding.....things that have always "bothered" her about me.....not HER impression of what a man SHOULD be! So there you are......perceptions of what I SHOULD be on top of the stereotypical sex-preoccupied man!

You know, she has her shortcomings to MY "ideal" as well but I'm much better at handling hers than she is with mine. I guess that's where all of that "too much compassion, understanding etc." stuff that I am comes into play. The bottom line is that I truly want her to be as happy as she can possibly be and if that means her looking for a "righter" guy to be happy with then so be it. It would be better than her staying with me for just "most" of the right reasons.

We all have "issues" of one kind or another and I am happy and proud to be of any help to you and everyone else here with any of them. And thanks for letting me be one of the "girls" tongue  too!

Gentlest of hugs,

John

!
Posted 9/10/2008 7:32 PM (GMT 0)
That's so sad, John.  Your wife doesn't realize what a gem she has.  Things always look brighter on the other side of the fence until you climb it.  Between the hype of television and the soap operas, etc., some don't realize what the really good values are.  I hope she does find out that she is a very lucky woman.

 

Sherrine

Posted 9/10/2008 8:34 PM (GMT 0)

Sherrine said...
That's so sad, John.  Your wife doesn't realize what a gem she has.  Things always look brighter on the other side of the fence until you climb it.  Between the hype of television and the soap operas, etc., some don't realize what the really good values are.  I hope she does find out that she is a very lucky woman.

 

Sherrine

Hi Sherrine! Thank you for your wonderful compliments too, my dear. If I'm a betting man (and I'm not, but if I were), my bet would be that we do survive, "for better or for worse", at least until our daughter is out of high school. But, I'm a terrible bettor (that's why I don't do that) so I wouldn't bet the house on it. We do love and care about each other very much but I just don't know if that will be enough. As I said, she has admitted one attempted affair very recently. She says she wants to see a therapist to discuss priorities, where her head is at, what's most important in her life now, etc.which I wholeheartedly endorse, but hasn't set up anything yet. Whatever happens, I will not be the one to set this in motion. This is all on her plate now and I truly want what SHE thinks is best for her! Even if her choice was to end it, I know we would always remain good friends with no animosities!

Gentlest hugs my dear lady,

John

P.S. BTW, Hurricane Ike will be bearing down on our general area by Friday evening so after tomorrow it may be a little while before I get back on so I just wanted y'all to know that I am, by no means, abandoning y'all. (LOL) Since I live in the country (or what's left of it anyway), my house is totally surrounded by 100 ft tall pines. If it veers directly at the Galveston/Houston area (now a higher possibility), even though I am about 100 miles inland, I have no intention of my family and I "riding it out" there with those pine trees that snap off in high winds and become huge missiles! This is just to let y'all, my family and friends here, know ahead of time in case anyone is wondering if have any sense! smilewinkgrin If I don't or can't get back on tomorrow, y'all better behave and be good, ok! tongue

Posted 9/10/2008 10:29 PM (GMT 0)
Stay safe, John.  I'll be praying for everyone's safety.

 

Sherrine

Posted 9/15/2008 4:00 AM (GMT 0)
OMG... if I didn't have sex in my life, I would have NO PAIN RELIEF.... It seems that for those few hours.... pain is the last thing I think about. Now, after things are done and I'm back down to earth, and try to get up to go to the bathroom or get a drink of water, I want to cry.... every muscle in my body is screaming at me.... but, I'm NOT giving up sex..... I went without for 10 years after my divorce. Just 6 months ago found a wonderful man, but it's a long distance relationship and we only see eachother every 3 or 4 weeks. Perhaps that's the secret, we don't live together so I don't feel like I am disappointing him and the frequency works for both of us.
Posted 10/1/2008 6:26 AM (GMT 0)
Still no good changes here.  Same old same old day after day.  I decided that I would take more of a step even if I wasnt feeling well and approach Jay.  Well, the other day I got dressed up nice and met him at work to walk him home.  I was being very affectionate and to tell ya the truth was starting to feel seriously interested in some kind of romance however we had to make that happen.  After we got home I made Jayson a nice dinner while still being sweet and upbeat and complimentary and all the sudden he drops a bomb on me.  He asked me if I thought there was going to be any sex that night and I was kinda flustered with the question but I sain um yes I had kinda hoped we could make love and then he said that until he lost some weight that he didnt feel comfortable even trying.

 

I got to admit that I felt totally rejected and even started crying but tried to hide it from him.  He didnt really get all that emotional about it he just said oh well thats the way I feel.  So that was about 5 days ago so yesterday I asked him how long he expected for me to keep my distance and he goes "I'll let you know when I feel like it" and I told him if the actual intercourse part of sex was what was worrying him with me having pain or him not being able to perform very well with being too heavy that there are plenty of ways to please each other and I then went into the what we could do with each other senerio and he shut me down completely.  He said um no until I lose weight I dont want to do any of those things.  So then I got just a tad annoyed and said to him " Well, if you keep eating Klondike bars and candy how do you plan on losing the weight?" and he raises his voice and says" Hellooooooooo I only had a couple and not alot so I will do it, I can get it (the weight) off soon.  I personally don't think he is in any rush to do this and ya it make me mad and sad all at the same time that he would care so little for me that if the main reason he wanted to withold any form of affection was because he was embarressed about his weight then why the hell wouldnt he be doing his best to change that if he really wanted to be with me and soon?

 

I have been patient and yes I understand he is younger but that is no excuse,he is not a child he is 32 years old.  He is still telling me that he loves me but its like its almost automatic with saying it , like we have been together so long that the words come out but have no meaning.  I am just so frustraited right now and I feel like a complete fool for last week when he knew for hours what I wanted and let me play my stupid coy and sexually charming game.  It's like I hope he got something out of it, all I got was feeling stupid and hurt.

 

can someone bump this back to the front page for me? if it doesnt show there?

Posted 10/1/2008 1:29 PM (GMT 0)
My husband wont be remotely interested in until I have lost about 60 lbs and have a job, and off half my meds. He is a very sexaul person, but as far as he is concerned , I am not the same person anymore, this dd has help make this way. But I dont think he understnads that. I still try to hold out hope that I can be the person he fell in love with.
Posted 10/1/2008 2:26 PM (GMT 0)
Karen and Sheryl I think your marriages need some help. If one partner is with holding sex there is a deeper reson for it than being over weight.

 

luv and hugs

Marlee

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