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Posted 10/15/2008 3:02 AM (GMT 0)
i am so sad...feeling so alone....strangely, i understand that this "aloneness" i feel makes me somewhat unstable.....it also makes me a "martyr"....an apathetic loner i am......

i am just to the point that even my doctor doesn't know or understand me.....my family members try but could never really know, and my friends gave up on me a long time ago.......

my baby just saw me crying...she's only 9 months, but she crawled right up to me and very gently touched my hand so that i would look at her....she then looked into my eyes with this question....she doesn't even know how to ask why i am sad......it only made me cry harder....

this is the only place that i know my sadness will be understood, so i am posting it here.......

i am not looking for sympathy....maybe empathy? this life is bringing me down......
Posted 10/15/2008 3:27 AM (GMT 0)

Oh Alicat,

I'm empathising with you so much right now. Can we have a cry together?  When I was reading your posting, I thought I was reading something from my own mind.... I'm in a dark place right now too.  This is so hard.  I never thought it could get this bad.

I also feel incredibly alone. Like you said, no one understands. Family and friends can't even begin to understand what living with this is like. I have overwhelming sadness too.  Anxiety and depression are here as well.

Please know that you're not alone in how you feel.  I don't have children, but what's interesting is that my cat picks up on my sadness.  She gets quite upset when I cry.  Your baby looking at you made you cry harder.... My cat looking at me makes me cry harder.... I'm not sure if I should laugh at what I just wrote or not.... LOL.   Okay, I'll have a chuckle at my own expense. I've become "the crazy cat lady".

Do you feel hopeless?  Like this is never going to get better?  I feel that way a lot.  I reach out to God in these times.  I know I'm going through this for reason bigger than I can understand.  But that doesn't make me feel any better.

I hope and pray you have a restful night. If you ever want to talk, I'm around. 

Blessings,

Ginny

Posted 10/15/2008 3:36 AM (GMT 0)
thanks ginny for your reply...

i often wished that i could believe in god....i would be able to kinda vent anonymously to him/her....sadly, i do not....i am agnostic (not atheist)....i just can't find any real reason to believe in any god or gods/godsess/godesses.....

i am just at this point....this breaking point........i've no one to turn to......i watch the television too much.it's like living vicariously you know? things on nategeo seem so much more important and interesting than my life.....i can understand them a lot easier than i can my own life.....

i know the world is a place of suffering.....but do i have to suffer both physical and emotional pain? and why does one make the other worse?

i'm really at my wits end...i just cannot take it anymore.....
Posted 10/15/2008 3:54 AM (GMT 0)
Alicat,
Are you on an SSRI med? If not, ask your doctor for one. Fibro burns up our serotonin and makes us feel pain more, have stronger mood swings with deeper lows, goofs up our sleep patterns and generally makes us feel like dog pooh. You also may be suffering from S.A.D. (Seasonal Affected Disorder). You need to get some of the chemicals in your brain balanced out and then you will start to feel better, ok?

There is a light at the end of this tunnel! And it's not a TRAIN! You just need a little boost. Until you can get to your doctor, increase your carbohydrate intake. This will help your body rebuild your low serotonin levels. I'm not talking tons of potatoes here, just a few extra servings a day, or maybe some popcorn with your evening TV. Good luck with this.
Posted 10/15/2008 4:09 AM (GMT 0)
i'm not on any AD therapy currently...i was on cymbalta (samples) but my insurance did not cover it....plus it gave me all kinds of weird side effects....doc moved me to zoloft....that was a disaster! my head felt like it was separated from my body....driving was impossible and walking was a challenge.....i finally got a bit pissed at this SSRI therapy and weaned down to the smallest chip i could get off the zoloft tab....now i am back on my normal st.john's wort...i took it before all the others....i feel fine on it most of the time....

just recently i have had a lot more pain....i have also had a severe rash on my face (very embarrassing)....dry eyes....clogged tear ducts....tingling in hands and feet.....and the fatigue is unexplainable....i have dealt with all of these things before, but never to this extent....it's been such a long uphill battle getting my family and friends to understand and fibromyalgia i am afraid that something more than the fibro is happening.....it's scares the **** outta me...

plus, being a new mom has it's toll....i love my baby with all my heart but i quite often feel like a bad mom....i cannot do what other moms do....

ugh....i'm so fed up with this disease...and to think i might have another just makes me cringe....

sorry for the rant....
Posted 10/15/2008 4:54 AM (GMT 0)
This is supposed to be a symptom of fibro so if you feel guilty about feeling sad, don't.

I get like this too often and I find myself fighting these symptoms quite often. People who know me see me as being happy mainly. However, some of them they can not handle my bad days, others will sympathize and offer some cheering up.

Hang in there, SSRIs do help many of us. I think they are worth a try. Why suffer when we do not need to?

Donnaeil
Posted 10/15/2008 12:52 PM (GMT 0)
Hi alicat, my intention right now is not to add fuel to the fire but I think on top of all that you are feeling you need to discuss with your Doctor, the possibility that you may be suffering from post partum depression. I know that depression and fibro go hand in hand becaue of the pain but I suffered post partum with my son and that feeling of loneliness is overwhelming, it's a different kind of depression..not the kind that says to you "Hey you aren't who you used to be" it's more like "Hey I can't stop crying and I feel empty" There is a lot more to it then this of course and for me the symptoms ran deep. Never a thought of hurting my baby but the sadness and then feeling guilty that I wasn't mothering well enough uggh it was awful BUT it can be treated and SHOULD be treated ...I am probably way off and really I hope that I am because nobody here needs anything to compound what is already being dealt with but in case you are interested in reading a little here is a good link

http://www.obgyn.net/femalepatient/femalepatient.asp?page=leopold

You aren't a bad Mom because you can't do the "things" other Moms do..you are a GREAT mom because you love your Daughter she doesn't need stuff she just needs you :)
Posted 10/15/2008 2:33 PM (GMT 0)
Alicat, I'm sorry your going through such a rough time. I agree that trying another AD would be worth it. Sometimes we have to try several before we find the one that works for us. I'm on two and still have to work at keeping myself up.

 

Living with this DD is hard. It feels like we are always paddling against the current and everything we do is made harder because of fibro. But look into the sweet face of your baby and you will see why you have to keep paddling.

 

We can also change the chemicals in our brains by the way we think. It took me a long time to turn the negative into positive and I still work on it daily.

 

luv and hugs

Marlee

 

 

 

 

Posted 10/15/2008 3:51 PM (GMT 0)
hey thanks everyone....i am feeling better today....feeling misunderstood is really what has triggered all this...work has been difficult with the pain and fibrofog.....and i am so sensitive to medicines that i am afraid to try anything else....plus, i take tramadol for pain and i think that may be interacting with the SSRI's i've tried...my doc says its okay, but somehow i don't think so...and i cannot stop taking my pain meds....i would not be able to work then....

i do appreciate all the responses.....
Posted 10/15/2008 4:29 PM (GMT 0)
Alicat, i do agree with the others, maybe another AD ssri maybe be worth trying.Good luck in finding something that helps you.
Posted 10/15/2008 5:19 PM (GMT 0)
well, like i said i don't think it's a good idea to mix AD's with tramadol and i cannot stop taking the tramadol. it's the only relief i have....the doc won't script any other pain meds....

i do start with pain management in january so maybe that will help..
Posted 10/15/2008 5:45 PM (GMT 0)
Hi alicat; Amyltriptilene is an older tricyclic anti depressant that works also as a pain reliever for Fibro. You likely wouldn't need much, maybe try 10mgs. at bedtime. i take 100 mgs. at bedtime and it allows me to sleep better, and decreases my fibro pain. I don't believe there's any problem with this older AD and Tramadol. I was able to function with fibro with only amyltriptilene, and OTC tylenol for eight years before being hit by a truck. Since then I have to take Tylenol 3, amyltriptilene 100mg at bedtime and still have really bad pain days, especially when the weather changes, ie. a low pressure system is moving in. I can't get out of bed today. Good luck.

Posted 10/15/2008 6:24 PM (GMT 0)
oh i know about the weather changes....i can always tell when a front is moving in..

i used to take amitryptalin about 10 years ago...i started at 10 mgs and after a year of taking it i was up to 100mgs and then it stopped working...plus i gained 20 pounds on it.......

thanks for the suggestion though :-)
Posted 10/15/2008 7:27 PM (GMT 0)
Alicat, I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time here.  Depression can be do debilitating, but I don't have to tell you that.  I think making sure you are not suffering from post-partum depression was a good idea.  It wouldn't hurt to mention it. 

 

Have you tried the malic acid for pain and fatigue?  Malic acid and magnesium are in our foods but we'd have to eat too much to get the amount needed to help with pain.  Check out the link about it in the Fibro 101 thread...the second thread on the forum.  Read all about it and see what you think.  This may help with pain and fatigue which, in turn, may help with depression.  It doesn't work for everyone but many have had success with it.  I take it and it has helped me.

 

Try not to focus on the pain.  Instead look at all the blessings you have.  I know they are there.  You've got that beautiful baby and he/she definitely is a blessing!  Just look at these and look at the beauty around you.  I know that lifts my spirits when I'm down.  Also, just take one day at a time.  If you try to project yourself in the future, it can be overwhelming.

 

Let us know how you are doing.  We really do care about you.

 

Sherrine 

Posted 10/16/2008 12:00 AM (GMT 0)
Alicat: You mentioned the amyltriptilene stopped working after a period of time. Could you clarify for me? Did it stop working to treat the Fibro, or did it stop working to treat sleep problems, or both? I am on a lot of meds and my pdoc is anxious to wean me off some. I've been taking the amyltriptilene for 14 years. I'm just trying to figure out if maybe it's not working (since I'm getting sicker, not better), or even, maybe working against my recovery. The pdoc wants to add Topamax. Apparently, one side effect is kidney stones. I become dehydrated very easily, especially due to the Amyltriptilene, and I already drink tea, water, juice, coffee, pretty much all day long and still my mouth is dry. I surely don't want kidney stones.

Posted 10/16/2008 12:25 AM (GMT 0)
hey tyno3- it stopped working in both ways....i was on little else but celebrex at the time....the celebrex gave me terrible stomach issues so i stopped that and then the elavil a year later....the weight gain was something that made the pain worse too....i read that for every extra pound of weight it causes 4 pounds of pressure on the joints....hmmm....don't wanna say how many pounds of pressure i've got shakehead
Posted 10/16/2008 7:59 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Alicat. I too have experienced weight gain. Like 25 pounds over ten years. I thought I wasn't active enough but looking back, I surely was. It's the cravings for carbs that does it. I would eat all wrong. Like not enough protein, too much carbs. My pdoc is suggesting Topamax because I am having mood swings (another forum of course), because I started back on an SSRI, Zoloft, which gives me energy but flops me into intense irritability. I'm researching it now. Again, Thanks for the insight into side effects of elavil.

Posted 10/16/2008 3:48 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Alicat,

 

You mentioned that you watch a lot of t.v.  I do too.  I've made myself watch only the positive, light, happy programs.  I steer clear of all the cop shows, violent dramas, Dr. Phil (hahaha), anything that will bring on anxiety or depression.  HGTV is one of my favourite channels. I like the funny sit coms, reality shows like Survivor, Big Brother, etc.  I keep my viewing entertainment as light and enjoyable as possible.  What do like to watch? 

 

I'm starting to take Zoloft. This week actually. I was on Paxil a number of years ago, and it was a nightmare.  So another SSRI is something I'm a bit nervous about taking, but I'll give it a shot.  Like the others have said, keep trying different meds until you find one that works.

 

I'm just going to put this out there for you..... No pressure, no need to respond, unless you want to.... If you want to talk about faith, God, etc, with someone who will not force anything down your throat, just give you information, and a sensitive ear to listen - let me know.  I'll give you my email address and we can talk away from the forum.

 

Lots of love and understanding,

 

Ginny

Posted 10/16/2008 8:56 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Ginnt and Allicat. I started back on zoloft five weks ago. I had used it before for about five or more years, started feeling better (thought I was cured (Ha Ha), went off all psychptropic meds, even the amytriptiline, briefly. I lost some weight after stopping the Amytriptiline, but then back on it (the elavil) I went because I needed something to get me sleeping again. After a while it seemed I needed more and more in order to get even minimal rest, then the carb cravings and weight gain. Then my pdoc at the time concluded I was going to start rapid cycling from taking zoloft, Amytriptilene, and anything else with serotonin activity. I was the very serotonin depleted, in pain, very depressed and dysfunctional. I spent three years sliding down further and further into depression so as to become almost catatonic as I waited 18 months to get hooked  up with the new pdoc (the other had retired). What a mess. Sooo, as I said, I started back on the zoloft five weeks ago and am just now beginning to feel halfways human. I still take the amyltriptilene at bedtime but would like to get off of it. Still contemplating the Topamax. I read a couple of reviews that indicated the Topamax helped with chronic pain, which I have. I'm still waiting to hear if anyone on the Fibro forum has had any positive effects as per the pain relief. I need a medicing that will stabilize my moods, help with the chronic pain and help with sleep. Does anyone know of such a medicine?

about the zoloft, for whatever reason, I can't think of any side effects, except mood swings. I think if it was available in a controlled release variation, it would be the perfect antidepressant for me. I'm up to 125 mgs. per day. Pdoc says I can go to 150. I have gone from 25mgs. to 50mgs, each week jumping up by 25mgs. Maybe this is why I'm not experiencing any side effects. Except, increased energy which is badly needed.

Posted 10/17/2008 8:16 AM (GMT 0)
I feel so sad I wish I could cry but the tears dont come. All you can do is what they say , the docs, even though they dont understand I have lost members of my family through lack of understanding also and the pain makes me afraid. The doc told me whenever my husband runs errands to force myself to go with him so I am at least out of the house.  I have no friends. its just me and immed family.They think an antideppresant helps, maybe it does but I still feel an over whelming sadness.   sue2z sad sad sad
Posted 10/18/2008 12:12 AM (GMT 0)
I'm sorry Sue2z. For you, my heart goes out. I have pretty much the same Dx., with the possible exception of ulcerative colonitus. I have Irritable bowel though. That means I have a major gut reaction when stressed (frequently), and I don't tolerate NSAIDS, at all. Even advil or aleve, celebrex, aspirin, all put me in tremendous agony. The fibrro, arthritis and BiPolar all fit. i don't know what prothiedon is but a guess might be a steroid? You might benefit from an Antidepressant. I can recommend Zoloft. It seems to begin to work more quickly than other SSRI's and for me has almost no side effects. I surely hope you get something to boost your mood, soon.
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