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i am so mad at myself!

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Posted 11/30/2008 2:37 AM (GMT 0)
so today we put up our christmas decorations and i decided to let myself indulge in my yearly treat-a nice cup of warmed milk with bailey's irish cream. well, that turned out to be a HUGE mistake! i've pretty much cut out alcohol completely, but find that i can have a glass of wine once in a great while without too much trouble. i don't know if my problem today was that i'd already overdone it cleaning house and putting up decorations, but by the time we were all done around 7:30, i was SO sore and SO cranky and SO miserable. i started getting short tempered with everyone and got really upset with my 6 year old for a totally stupid, minor thing and now i'm feeling guilty and angry at myself for both pushing myself too hard and for having a drink, but especially for losing my temper with my family.

i think the one thing i hate most about having fibro is how irritable it can make me, especially after long, stressful days. i feel absolutely terrible when i get like that with my family, because i know it's not fair to them at ALL, especially my little ones. does anyone else have to fight irritability at all, or am i just a cranky person?

so my day ended up really not being very good at all. and i wanted to have such a good day, too! i love christmas and i love decorating and i love seeing my kids get excited. sometimes i think i put way too much pressure on myself with these kinds of things. i want everything to be perfect and when they don't turn out that way, i get stressed out and end up getting crabby and worn thin.

i'm sorry for whining, i just needed to get that off my chest...

thank you for "listening"
~danielle
Posted 11/30/2008 3:11 AM (GMT 0)
Well, I am still apologizing to my almost grown children regularly. they now know that when I am irritabel it is due to the fibro. At a pretty young age they knew. How horrid.

When your children are older they will ask each other "Did she take her pill today?" and then they will crack up.

Just apologize, apologize and apologize. In addition, you will have to explain a lot. l hated it and still feel guilt. They know that you love them.

Take care, Glad you go that tree up. Donnaeil
Posted 11/30/2008 4:03 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Danielle,

I am sorry you had a rough day. I really lost my temper with my daughters and then my husband today too and I felt aweful afterward. I agree with you that one of the worst parts of this illness is the emotional part of it. My hussband came into the bedroom this morning and said "why don't you get up and get some things done around the house? It will make you feel better." He left for errands and I got up so mad and hurt that I just started cleaning the entire house and I am going through a bad flare right now along with med change that is making me feel pretty dopey. I then started taking it out on my daughters because these things they are supposed to be helping with aren't being done. UGH!! I feel so aweful about how I acted and I amnow hurting so bad on top of it. I am going to make an effort to apologize and gently remind them that I am really doing the best I can and I know it is hard on them too,, but I just can't do the things I used to do. :( hang in there ok?  I am pretty sure we are not the ojly ones that lose it once in a while. I think holidays must make all of that worse too because of the added stress. Take care,  

Posted 11/30/2008 5:00 AM (GMT 0)
Danielle,
Are you taking an SSRI? (Prozac, zoloft, wellbutrin, etc.) If not you should be. Ask your doctor for something to enhance your serotonin levels. It will change your world! Because we burn through our serotonin so quickly fibros tend to try to self medicate with pasta and breads to raise their levels. An SSRI will help with sleep cycles, mood, pain perception and help eliminate that "monster Mom" person. NSRI meds work as well, but I'd start with the SSRI's first. Less side effects, less cost, available as generics.
Posted 11/30/2008 11:03 AM (GMT 0)
We all "lose it" from time to time. I do especially because on top of the Fibro with it's pain and fatique, I am BiPolar II the II part means that I don't actually get Manic and start swinging from the chandalier, but I get irritable and uncomfortable in my own skin. So, I explained to my family that I have these problems, and that when I get cranky, I'm going to time myself out, go to my room for a half hour untill I feel better. They seem to understand. Pacing ourselves is the key to managing this disease.

As far as that second post goes, hubby comes in and says get up and do some work, you'll feel better, makes me want to sink his feet in a bucket of cement, let it dry and invite him out to do some work it'll make him feel better.
Posted 11/30/2008 2:56 PM (GMT 0)

Danielle,

I know exactly what you are feeling. Feeling irritable is a miserable feeling. I tend to bottle everything up-that isn't good either. When I was on Lyrica, I was SO irritable. I wasn't suicidal, but I was at a point that I just didn't care to live. My husband never really knew(and he is VERY observant) because I bottle things up or isolate myself.  I digress, sorry...

 I agree with Jeannie. If you are not on an antidepressant, maybe you should try one. It has made a big difference for me. I have experienced depression in the past. I have learned from these episodes of depression. Persisitent irritability is a big red flag for me. If I am not on an antidepressant and I am experiencing irritability, I know that I need to make a MD appt to get a prescription. If I am on a antidepressant, it is a signal that I may need a change of meds. Just some things that I have learned about myself. There are several antidepressants that come in generics if you do not have insurance.

Give your family big hugs and tell them that you aren't feeling well and you are sorry for being grumpy(which I am sure you have already done). You are in a family and you love each other. Part of that is putting up with each other through thick and thin. I hope that you start feeling better soon.

(((soft hugs)))

Cyndi

Posted 11/30/2008 5:59 PM (GMT 0)
I think the best sign is that you realize it. I would talk to the doctor about an antidepressant, even if it is just through the holiday season. This time of year causes so much stress. And we have enough stress with the fibro alone.

Please don't feel guilty, appologize and let them know that mommy gets tired at the end of the day. I think that they will understand.

Give yourself a pat on the back once in a while. You are doing a lot and managing well. It just catches up with you. You are a good mom, remember that.

Luv and hugs, Karen
Posted 11/30/2008 6:43 PM (GMT 0)
thank you all so much for your support and advice! i really appreciate it and it is so nice to know i am not the only who experiences this sort of thing sometimes..

unfortunately, i do not have health insurance and so don't take any prescriptions. a friend of mine has had much success with st. john's wort, though, and i am considering trying that out. i don't experience super dramatic ups and downs, and i'm not constantly irritable, but there are just these days when i am so worn thing by everything that i snap at the people around me.

i know my family understands-my husband and daughter are each old enough to get what's going on, obviously, and i've explained it as best i can to my sons so they do know what's up. any time i do get worn out and short tempered, i always explain it's my pain and not them and that i am so very sorry. i think my little guys understand this and we haven't seen any signs at home or at school that they are suffering any sort of long term trauma from mommy losing her cool once in awhile. i just feel awful about it when it happens because i sort of feel like my entire purpose in life is to treat other people with respect, kindness, and compassion (it's sort of my "thing"-does that make sense?) so when i slip up, especially with those i love the most, i feel really bad about it.

does anybody have personal experience with st. john's wort at all? my friend says it helps her tremendously, but i am always interested in hearing other's stories as well..

thank you all again for being so kind and supportive. i hope you are all having a good day. :-)

~danielle
Posted 11/30/2008 7:09 PM (GMT 0)
Being in constant pain causes ANYONE to be irritable and short tempered. Here is another view re: meds. I am NOT using an SSRI's and feel MUCH better off them. Many of my friends who have long term FM feel the same way. There are many productive ways to deal with the anger/stress/frustration/irritability that is common with those who have Fibro.

I run a group for women with FM and have had over 100 members many times. Hands down some of the most grumpy, nasty, whiney members are using these meds so this is a HUGE red flag to me.

Bottom line? Ask your doctor what may help. Perhaps it is your view at how you are looking at things that can be adjusted. Many of us don't want to admit that we can often slide into less than friendly attitude because of all the pain/tiredness/stress we are dealing with.

I do apologize to my husband a lot. I am spending a lot more time listening to CD's with soothing music, practicing cognitive behavior change techniques and reminding myself and others to be gentle with myself. It isn't easy but medicines aren't always the solution or the only solution.

I have suffered from major depression episodes years ago and have found medications to have their place especially if someone is feeling suicidal or hopeless with despair.

But to jump on taking an additional medication that has potentially serious side effects just because we are irritable and moody is not a healthy solution for me. I encourage you to explore other ways to assist you with these issues. There are ways to reduce these. One of the biggest shifts many of us has experienced is making in person friends and getting out there and doing things together. We laugh more, gained important support and all of us have found we are doing much better with our moods. I started my group on meet up and there are a lot of support groups for FM listed there.

The only meds I take at the moment are diabetes related and that is a struggle for me at the moment. I manage my FM with warm water therapy and girlfriend therapy. This may sound silly to some but the amount of us who are doing much better with this approach is mind blowing to the numbers who are always miserable, never improving and on over 3 to 5 meds minimum for their Fibro alone.

I hope you feel better soon. Remember being moody at the holidays is normal. Heck it seems to be contagious!
Posted 11/30/2008 7:51 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, Danielle!  I agree with a lot of what Cali has said.  I do believe attitude is an important part of fibro but I also know that what works for one doesn't necessarily work for another.  I know that there are various "levels" of fibro and some suffer much greater than others.  I know that some people have higher threshholds of pain, too.  So, some members get relief from the antidepressants.  I personally do not take them but I also do not have depression. 

 

I did suffer from depression when my husband died suddenly but still refused to take the meds because I'm basically a positive person.  I have a strong faith in God, which helps me a huge amount, and I consider my positive attitude a blessing from God.  But, not everyone is this fortunate. 

 

I do suffer from pain and take ibuprofen, Tylenol, and malic acid/magnesium supplements for pain and fatigue.  Trust me, hot baths, water therapy, and girlfriend therapy doesn't cut it for me.  I was gone all day yesterday with about 50 of my friends.  I had a wonderful time but was in bad pain, too.  I feel like I've been hit with a bag full of bowling balls!  But, that's the way my body reacts to fibro. I do know I will get over this and I won't let this stop me from enjoying my life.

 

But, it really does help to face fibro head on, work around it, and don't let it control your life.  Everyone has their bad days and have trouble coping.  We are human, after all.  So don't beat yourself up over yesterday.  You are doing the best you can.  You will find that your perfectionism will head out the door as you continue living with fibro and you will still enjoy life!  You said you were sorry so now go on to make wonderful memories during the Christmas season!

 

Sherrine

 

 

Posted 12/1/2008 3:17 AM (GMT 0)
cali,

thank you so much for that great post! i agree with a lot of what you say about meds. my sister also has fibro and takes everything under the sun and she is SO hostile! to my mom, to my other sister and i, to her two little boys. i mean, just really really awful. i've been worried about her for awhile and so has her doctor, but she refuses to listen to anyone and keeps popping pills.

PLEASE KNOW that i am NOT saying anything against pills at ALL! i understand completely that some people absolutely HAVE to have them, and i do not hold that against them whatsoever. i also don't believe that anyone taking meds for fibro is destined to become a raging a**hole, i just know i have seen a drastic change in my sister after she started taking all of her meds, and so that does make a little reluctant to go down that path myself. also, as i said my moods aren't so dramatic that they are interfering with my daily life or creating huge rifts between myself and my family so that also keeps me from wanting to jump into taking meds. it is very encouraging to read other people having success in managing the irritability without medication, so thank you very much for sharing your story!

sherrine,

i also try to stay positive and rely so much on my faith in God-i try to look at all of this as some sort of learning opportunity/blessing in disguise. i don't know what that blessing is just yet, but do trust that He knows what He is doing!
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