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Posted 1/26/2009 7:46 PM (GMT 0)
Hello, Im at school right now, but Im having a bad day and I really just need to vent... sad

This isnt about school...Its about me. I have a HUGE problem that is bothering me very bad. I havent started going to a counselor yet(my docs gave me the name of someone) But, umm I cant connect with people. At all. I try so hard to be around people and have fun, but if my friends are in a group I can walk behind them and feel so unconnected from them. I hate it...

I was crying alot last night. School is really getting to me.. Everything is starting to feel so overwhelming. English is getting very hard and our teacher is telling us these super high expectations.. I trying SO hard in math.. My German teacher is being really hard on us also.. mad

I dont know. I feel so left out from everything. I dont know where I fit anymore. I have no idea what I want to do.. Im starting to really think about the whole doctor thing... I love art and things in that area.. We had a lady come from the Art Institute and now Im wondering if I should try to do graphic design or photography or something in that area... rolleyes

Im really feeling it. Really alone. Overwhelmed and left out. I honestly, truely can not express this feeling enough, I DONT FEEL CONNECTED TO PEOPLE AT ALL. Sometimes I dont even feel like I fit in the world.... cry

I really just needed to vent some more.. Im not in need of anyone feeling sorry for me or anything, I just needed to talk about it....

Posted 1/26/2009 7:58 PM (GMT 0)
Tennis, while reading your post I had a thought coming to me.  I think you are suffering from light deprivation.  You have been so happy and full of life for months and now you seem sad and overwhelmed.  It's winter and you might not be getting the light you should be getting.  I'm not sure how the weather is where you are.

 

I have a daughter that lives up north and she gets sullen in the winter months because of lack of sunshine.  I suffered from it too but didn't realize it until I moved to Florida and was in the sun all of the time.  I felt sooo much better!  So, perhaps this is what is going on with  you.

 

I know you are a senior and you are taking advanced courses.  It can be overwhelming but you will find a way to accomplish it.  So many times you thought you were going to do poorly and you ended up with wonderful grades!  So, just do the best you can.  That's all you can do.  It doesn't get any easier in college, either, but you will do fine there, too. 

 

As far as picking out a career, you really still have about 2 1/2 years before you need to do that.  Usually the first couple of years of college are your basic courses.  Then you concentrate on your major so relax.  You will know more as you progress with your education and your maturity.  You are only 17 and no one expects you to know what you will do for your life's work!  Be easy on yourself, Kido!

 

Just relax and do your best and I'm sure you will do just fine.

 

Sherrine

Posted 1/26/2009 8:14 PM (GMT 0)
aww, tennis. i am so sorry that you're having such a rough time right now. in reading your post, i was taken back to when i was your age-i had many of the same feelings that you are expressing. i always felt "different" and had a hard time connecting with people. looking back, i realize that i had anxiety issues even as a child, and i think that any time we experience issues at that age, be they psychological or physical, it sets a part in some ways from our peers. you are only 17 years old, yet are having to deal with fibro. how hard that must be at your age! it's hard at any age, i know, but to be so young and just starting out in life..not knowing what you want to do for a career, figuring yourself out as a person, etc..all of that is hard enough without adding the fibro issues in. you are in a different place than most of your friends. you have to think about things in a different way because of this dd, so it is not at all surprising that you are finding yourself having a hard time. do you have one or two really good friends that you could confide in? i know it's hard finding people in your age group that would understand-empathy can be hard to find in teenagers sometimes-but maybe just one person you can vent to? maybe a kind, understanding teacher even? finding someone in your school environment that you can connect with and trust and vent to might really help.

other then that, all i can say is-listen to sherrine! she gave you very good advice. definitely check up on the light issue, and give yourself a break on the classes! you have a LOT on your plate right now and i know you are doing your best!

{{{{{hugs}}}}}}
Posted 1/26/2009 8:23 PM (GMT 0)
Hi hun!

Just wanted to give you a gentle 'Chutzie Hug'....(((HUG))) See?? doesn't that feel better now???

I'm not making light of your misery, just trying a bit of cheering here. Even at my age, and I have grandkids YOUR age, I get that 'distant' feeling when I'm around people. Like I don't exist. It's hard to explain but it's a very creepy, uncomfortable feeling...like I'm all alone. Might not be exactly the same as you but I sure don't like it.

Please know that I care very much that you're OK!
Chutzie

ps...sending you an email too
Posted 1/26/2009 8:45 PM (GMT 0)
Christi, maybe you haven't met the right people yet. You have such a short time left in high school I really hope you can enjoy these last few months and maybe not think so much about where you fit in. I don't know how big your school is but next year when you go to college you will find a diverse group of people that are more ready to accept you for who you are.

 

I know you live in the south but the lack of sunshine still may be a problem. I did notice the other night it is not getting dark til 6:00 and that makes me happier knowing that spring will be here before we know it.

 

Give therapy a try, it may be better than you think.

 

When one thing in life overwhelms us it makes everything else seem worse so hang in there and I'm sure your doing great in school even if it is getting harder. You are like so many of us on here that are our worse enemies.

 

Sherrine is right about school you don't have to decide for quite awhile, don't worry about things that haven't happened yet.

 

luv and hugs

Marlee

Posted 1/26/2009 8:58 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks guys. It makes it better that I have people I can talk to..Its hard to really feel "distant" when talking to you all since we literally are distant! lol But, no, I dont any friends that I could talk to about this... they dont understand. I have one teacher, that helped me through last year, but Im not sure I can talk to her...

Anyways, the light thing is possible considering I stay inside and its consently cloudy here and theres little sun. btw, I live in Northern AL. I'll look into it. Sherrine, its not that Im trying to figure out EVERYTHING right now... I just cant find where I fit in to. And the whole major thing, I just want to have an idea of what I want to do so I can be looking into things, so that I dont miss opportunities or anything... But, thinging about the doctor thing, I know I can be capable. But, it would be hard, expensive, and very time consuming... I have spoken to several doctors who all tell me its a great field if you never want to sleep or have a social life or have a family... I couldnt handle that part... But, graphic design or something would be a lot of fun for me. Im creative and I like to learn about that kind of stuff! The lady this morning was very interesting.. And we talked about having a job that we love. I just dont know..and thats okay, I just want to get an idea of where I could go and such!

Chutz, its okay! Hugs are nice. I needed someone last night.. I was crying wondering what it would be like to have someone hold me so that I knew they cared...But, anyways, I get the "distant" feeling so much now. Some of my friends Im not even talking to anymore. But, I laugh and talk and then I step back and realize Im really not a part of it. Im alone and they dont care. Im so unconnected from them, even though they are my friends. Its a weird, depressing feeling.... thanks Chutzie, I'll check my email when I get home from school...

Im so glad I have you guys to come to...I've been so over my head lately and all over the place. Im even starting to feel like I dont belong. Not to mention all sorts of thoughts... its just not right..... I feel so different........
Posted 1/26/2009 9:25 PM (GMT 0)
I use an artificial light :) And It makes things so much more cheery.

Your post spoke to me. I've been trying to figure out where I fit in now that my life has changed so drastically. Who I was isn't who I am, well who I am is the same... but my understanding and abilities have changed drastically, I find the things that I defined myself by, that I'm incapable of achieving now that I'm sick, have caused me to have to find other things to do... and I'm lost at times on what those things should be. My friends are all moving on with their lives, and I'm stuff re-evaluating the mess I'm left with.

Take care...

- Corrie
Posted 1/26/2009 9:53 PM (GMT 0)
Christi,

 

I think a lot of us feel like a square peg-at least I do.  I know how much it sucks trying to figure out who you are and what you are supposed to be.  I still feel that way and you know I'm pretty old, LOL. wink

 

As I've told you before, I am very pro-therapy.  I have a difficult time trusting anyone, so sometimes you have to go through a few therapists until you find that "one."

 

Please remember that you can always talk to me about anything.  I'm sorry that we haven't talked lately, but now that I have my own place, things are much better.  You can email me anytime.

 

Always remember that you have a place in this world.  Your job is just finding where you fit in this giant jigsaw puzzle called life. rolleyes

Posted 1/26/2009 9:56 PM (GMT 0)
Tennis, you are such a sweetie & I hope you will feel better soon.  I can't even imagine going to school & having to decide about my future life & be friendly & deal with Fibro.  Such a large plateful you have & not only that but you are succeeding at it.  I am proud of you.  How I wish I could give you a big hug.  Since I have come to this forum, I have enjoyed your posts & feel like I know you pretty well.  You always make me smile & motivate me to do more. 

I have alway had to deal with the invisible thing, whatever it is.  I went to therapy twice to deal with it & co-dependent behavior.  I was told I have always had the "lost child syndrome".  I have been really trying to get myself out of that.  Sometimes, I just have to force myself to exist in the moment.  I take a deep breathe, give myself a shake & step forward & talk.  I have been surprised how people will turn towards me & listen & then include me in their conversation.  It was definitely uncomfortable at first.  You have a whole new life coming up & you will leave these people, for the most part, behind.  Please, just use this time to strengthen you resolve to try new things & a new way to be, when you get to college.  I think the light will help you & like others have said, don't worry about what your major is going to be.

Like I already said, I am proud of you.  A good dark chocolate candy bar always seems to help me when I am down.  Not "the" answer but it is "an" answer.  YUM!!!  

Many soft & gentle hugs, Denise 

Posted 1/26/2009 10:59 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Christi,

Just know that you will make the right decisions, you will find your passion. I know that distant feeling too. I think a little of it comes from my own insecurities. I have found many people to feel the same way as me, and I would have never known it until they said something because they seemed so confident. So I wouldn't worry about that too much. As somebody said, you will have all new friends next year. Try to enjoy yourself and be in the moment. You have done wonderfully and I have all the confidence that this will work out for you.

Luv and hugs, Karen
Posted 1/27/2009 12:47 AM (GMT 0)
Denise, Im glad I could do something good for you. Most of my posts arent this down!

Anyways, thanks for all of the support. Well, my friends are my friends! lol I love them and we have a good time..I dont want to lose contact with them at all after school. But, regardless of all of that I still feel disconnected.. It feels almost hopeless.. College will be good for me so I can meet more people and such, but still...

about the counseling, I have the name of 2 different women counselors. Its not that I havent wanted to go, actually I REALLY do want to go.. My parents havent put a rush on that though..and we are in a tough spot financially so I was going to try to wait a while, Im not sure how much insurance will pay for it. But, Im going to try to mention it to my mom or dad...I've been thinking alot about it and I really want to go..... I think it could do some good...

Im going to take a break, I have to re-establish my chi! lol I think I am going to go lie in bed and "think"!... Kind of tired of fighting with life...
Posted 1/27/2009 1:11 AM (GMT 0)
Hey Christi,
School, Fibro and just plain life are a big handful, Sweetie. I'm still kind of new around here but I've always admired your responses and posts.. I didn't realize you were still in HS until about a week ago. I always thought that you sounded much older.. when you spoke of school I asumed you were in college already.
I just wanted you to know that, life has handed you so many gifts, you're very mature and thoughtful. You're a GREAT student. And so fortunate that you'll have college to look forward to.
I've been around this old world for over half a century and I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I'm still scared, anxious and feel like to don't necessarally fit in. But I wouldn't change a thing I've done and somehow things have always worked themselves out. Remember that part about life's gifts, even this dd is in its own strange way a gift, our struggles make us better people - more sensative to others and more likely to accept people as they are.
You'll find college to be a completely different life. And a whole new beginning!! There will be tons of other kids that are starting a brand new phase of their lives. Everyone will be going through the "do I fit in" thing!! So. don't worry.. you're not alone. :)
Take care - Warm Gentle Hugs-
Posted 1/27/2009 1:11 AM (GMT 0)
I suspect that you are extremely intelligent dear. Due to this you may have difficulty fitting into any social or even academic group.

My suggestion is that you research what it means to be smarter than 90% of the people in the world. When you understand being gifted and intelligent, you can learn better coping skills.

Fibromyalgia is known to affect intelligent women. I have no reason why but across the board, we are folks who lived type A lives and did interesting things.

So, take the focus off of the fibro and put it into your gifts, including art maybe.

Donnaeil
Posted 1/27/2009 1:17 AM (GMT 0)
I really feel for you.. This thing has made me feel alone, I never see anyone or feel apart of the world and dont even want to intereact anymore  so you are not alone in these feelings.  With this thing it affects us all differently but we are all suffering limitations and I guess you do have to take that into the picture.  What ever your decision just put the most into it, its all we can do even with just getting by day by day.. take  care... sue2z :-) :-)
Posted 1/27/2009 4:11 AM (GMT 0)
Tennis..   I really feel for ya... especially with you being only 17 yrs old.  But having said that.. I also give you sooo much credit!!  Its sounds like you have so much ambition... so many ideas and goals.. keep that up girl... you will just do fine..  It sounds like what Sherrine said makes sense about "season changes"... sun light..   I know that I'm going through what you just discribed..  and I am in a northern state.. terrible cold weather.. gloomy too!

I was in a southern state for 5yrs till just past summer and had to come to northern state to be with family because of health..  I miss the warmth...   anyway.. just keep telling yourself.. "it will be alright"... keep movin along!!@

Hugs to ya... 

Breezie

Posted 1/27/2009 3:57 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Christi-

Growing pains- not the physical ones but the mental and emotional ones- I remember them well at your age and into my 20's. Your plate has been more than full and I know there is not one person here that is not proud of you and admire your hard work in school. Give yourself many soft pats on the back for this and all that you have accomplished! Wow! Then take a deep breath and maybe some counseling and move on from here and decide what direction you want to go in. You are a very bright, wonderful young lady and I have no doubt you will get this figured out.

As far as not fitting in- the friendships you have formed may not be working for you anymore, we all change and evolve. I know that I had very close friends in high school and then because of changes in me or them I moved on.

You will get your "Chi" back and there will be no stopping you! :-)

GamJill

 

Posted 1/27/2009 6:22 PM (GMT 0)
I have been pretty secluded the past few days... I even sat outside yesterday, kind of chilly out, but the sun come out some so I sat on the dry ground in the sun, hoping to soak some up! lol Thats sad! Anyways, I cant seem to understand how if this is a normal thing to go through how people are even functioning. I am constently thinking about it. I see SO many people around me and feel like Im in an invisible bubble. I really feel like they cant see me and that Im not "a part of them"...If this is normal...how do people do it??

Im seriously thinking about the art thing! I looked at the website for the institute and its very interesting. Im seriously considering graphic design because I love to draw weird things and it would be SO cool to design graphics for logos, or movie covers, or posters, or even shirts! Any of it would be really cool. Im learning to use Photoshop and edit things into an amazing picture. Maybe I will put a link to some of my work when I get done, I could use some outside opinions! lol But, Im considering going to school here for my basics and then go to the Art Institute and get a bachelors degree in graphic design..But its hard for me to give up my dream of becoming a doctor/surgeon....

Anyways, Im almost excited about it! Im really creative and it would be great to learn more things and be able to creative more! ...

But, back to the important thing.... Im not sure what to do.. Im going to try to mention the counseling thing to my mom.. I think that if I went it would be good because I feel like I would be able to tell my story to someone and see what she says...and get some help.. I feel like Im in need of help. Just not sure how to get it. Im feeling alone, as yall know, and like Im not apart of the world. Im just here..and I have been having thoughts... the bad kind. ......I've had a few slip ups also.... I dont want to go through this stuff again..Hiding everything or being in my own prison. I dont want to make stupid decisions based on how I feel. I know Im better than that, but I cant help it...

Im not wrong am I..? I should want to get help right... I just cant do this all over again. I cant hide myself. I cant imprison myself again. I cant repeatedly hurt myself. I just cant... You can see how it is stressing me out. Im not so focused on school right now. I sit and listen to the people around me and think about how they are apart of the world and I am not. I try to think of a way to describe how I feel. I havent been successful. I just sit and feel things. And think. And draw things out.(the drawing I like! lol) But, you get my point...

Thanks for everything you guys have said. I felt a bit better seeing your posts and knowing someone cares. Even if I dont know you guys in "real life"...you all mean very much to me. Still havent found my "chi"! lol But, Im searching!
Posted 1/27/2009 7:10 PM (GMT 0)

Christi, I think you should talk to your Mom, just like you talk to us, tell her how you're feeling.  Hopefully your be receptive to the idea of getting you some professional counseling.  If not, then talk to an adult you can trust, that can encourage your mom to get you some help.  If all else fails then talk to your doctor and have him/her get you a referral to a counseler (sp?).  If you feel that you need to be talking to someone then you absolutely should.  I think we all feel a little overwhelmed by things and it's good to get it out.  I also think that we all have the same feelings that you have, but if you can't stop thinking about it, then you should talk to someone professional about it.

It looks like everyone in the forum is supporting you and that's awesome!! And remember.. we all lose our "chi" now and then :-) Finding one's self takes a lifetime so there's no point in rushing it!!

Warm hugs,

Posted 1/28/2009 3:07 PM (GMT 0)
AWW, Tennis, *hug* my thoughts and heart go out to you!

I DO KNOW exactly how you feel... really... that was me all throughout school, feeling unconnected, different, alone.

Chutzie probably is right in saying that you are just suffering from the winter... winter is cruel, it doesn't care how we feel, that it takes those hours of sunlight away from us and makes us feel empty inside.. it does to almost all of us! I feel so depressed in the winter.

Just know that I understand and I AM here for you if you need me...

_____________________________________________

21 years old

Fibromyalgia, Bipolar, OCD, Dependent Personality Disorder

"You can't be brave if you've only had wonderful things happen to you." -Mary Tyler Moore

Posted 1/28/2009 4:33 PM (GMT 0)

Tennis,

You sound so much like my 15 year old daughter.  She is always asking me why she doesn't fit in.  Like you she has a group of friends but doesn't feel like a part of it.  Like my daughter, I suspect that you are an exceptional person and exceptional people over analyze life.  I bet your friends would be suprised to hear that you feel disconnected from them.  I always tell my daughter what you see on the outside is rarely what is happening on the inside.  To some point we all feel alone in life.  Your friends may seem like they have no worries but in actuality some of them may be suffering things you couldn't even imagine.  You need to learn to love you.  You are a wonderful person!!!!  Take care of yourself first, learn how to love yourself.  You don't need to be perfect and you don't need to make any big descision right now.

I work at a college so I can honestly tell you it's rare for kids to enter into college and know what they want to do and if they do have a major picked, most kids will change that major several times.  If you know where you are going to school, contact an admissions counselor.  They can help you decide in which direction to start and what your school has to offer.  They can also let you know what kind of counceling the school offers.  Even if your not sure where your going to school, contact a local college admissions counselor.  We have something called a campus visit where the kids get a tour of the school with a lot of helpful information.  College students are there and will answer just about any question that you have.

I wish that I could take you in my arms and give you a big hug just like I do when my daughter is feeling down (which is often, she is having a rough time right now too).  I am sending you a hug, gentle one though.  I hope you feel better soon!!

Posted 1/28/2009 7:13 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Meggie.....I could use a holding hug.... *sigh

I've been so...silent and distant. I just dont know what to say to anyone. I want to speak to someone. I want to tell someone how I feel. I need someone to understand. I need someone to listen. I need someone who will listen and attempt to understand in some strange way. Someone who will not judge, but instead just pass what I say off as okay.

If you ask me, what I have to say sounds crazy... If I were the person listening to what I have to say! lol I would probably lock me up in a white padded room... Although, I would totally make light out of that...I would run back and forth hitting the walls probably, sounds like some fun! lol

Well, anyways, Im rambling here because I dont want to just be here with no one to talk to being silent, thinking about too much random stuff. But, I dont want to waste space here. So, I'll be on my way, thanks
Posted 1/29/2009 2:29 PM (GMT 0)

I suppose if anything is different, its that I have learned to speak up some. I talked to my teacher yesterday, the one from last year who helped me through alot. I had to write notes to her because we had people in our class this time, but she came and talked to me some...she's gone on a trip right so we cant talk again until next week.

Also, last night I talked to my best guy friend. He was pretty caring when I told him everything.. Telling makes me feel a little better, but it cant take it all away so I suppose that part of why I dont like to talk about stuff...or maybe I just havent had success with talking things through or whatever.

Anyways, my point is that I talked about it to friends. And I feel a little better not holding it all in... Thanks for supporting me and giving me some courage to speak up once again

Posted 1/29/2009 4:57 PM (GMT 0)
Christi,

I am so glad that you are talking to people, that is good. I hope that you can hook up with a counselor, that will help all the more.

You are doing all the right things, and you know me, I think that the art is cool. Who knows that might be your calling. But dont give up on the doctor thing just yet. You can still do art no matter what. Maybe not to the extent that you would like to though.

Hugs, Karen
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