why i cried...

the pain didn't end on friday and continued on so monday i made the tough decision of calling in sick to work and going on to see a dr.
i waited and waited in the clinic near my house, hoping that the dr i would see would be considerate and give me an answer.... i went back to the room and was seen shortly after... the tests came back to show that i did NOT have a kidney stone. i was baffled because i honestly thought i did. she pressed on my stomach and as she neared my ovaries i let out a yelp. THAT HURT! i said. her face lit up a little in a way only a doctors can (because really, who else enjoys solving medical mysteries at my expense). she told me i had a cyst on my ovary and since i was also ovulation it was just a mess of pain to me. i started crying when she told me that... she told me there was nothing really she could do unless the pain persisted... she didn't want me spending a whole lot of money on tests that won't mean anything if the pain goes away in a few days. i could hear her... and the logical part of me was agreeing with every word she said, but my emotions were hurt and fear... and some pain. my mom was with me and could not for the life of her understand why i was crying and being a bit of a baby about all this. she said- you are only upset because you didn't hear what you wanted to hear. well yes, and no. what i believe very few people can understand is that for almost 4 years now i've been to dr after dr with symptoms only to be told it was all in my head. every time i went to the doctor or complained about being sick, for anything, i had in the back of my head this fear that i would be told yet again i was a baby and it was in my head. its this fear that still grips me today. the worst part of it all is that i've let so many negative people get to me and hurt me by their disbelief.... AND I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG! i am posting this here because its all about fibro. i knew something was wrong with my body, only it took me years to figure out what it was. i cried because that fear came back... through all of this with fibro all i wanted was justification for why i felt the way i did. only now i have it, and i still cry. so many of us have been put through the ringer.... not only do our bodies fail us, but many people lack the understanding to be of any help. we suffer with something that most people have a very basic and usually very wrong perception of. we are continually educating those around us... but honestly some days i feel like the education feels more like a justification that what i say i have is really real!
can you all remember back to the time when fibro hadn't been mentioned yet? a time when maybe a "friend" called you a hypochondriac? a time when sleeping meant more than anything to you and you didn't know why?
sometimes those memories affect me now.... those are why i cried. i still have that fear buried deep.

but i stopped crying.
i stopped crying because i WAS justified. i have fibro and i DO have a right to feel bad. i DO have a right to not be okay every moment of every day. i DO have the right to hurt and be sick and tell someone about it.
my pain is real to me... no matter what others may think.

crazy that that experience tied back to fibro and triggered that deep emotional pain from my past...

LMS-

I think it is totally understandable why you cried and you could not have said it better. For once it was something other than fibro, they figured it out and they understood THAT- but when it has come to all the things you have went through with fibro, they have NOT understood it, and it is so real. 

Ovarian cysts are very painful- I have had them and the pain has been so bad I literally would be doubled over. Mine would take care of themselves but lots of pain till they did. Hope it does not take too much longer to get some relief.

GamJill 

I think each of us or many of us still have that fear that no one will believe us. I swear I have PTSD from all the non belief. I get so tense before any doc appointment, I can barely hold myself together. We have all for years been told it is nothing, we are hypochondriacs. Insult after insult. SO it is perfectly normal you cried. I am so sorry you are in such pain but know you have people here who will listen w/o judgment.
Angeline

When I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia it was called fibrositis.  I had never heard of it.  All I knew was I was in a lot of pain that didn't go away, no matter what I did.  The process of elimination to get our diagnosis isn't fun either.  It does leave scars.

 

But, I have found how to control the pain most of the time.  I'm never without pain but it isn't dibilitating for me now.  So the tears don't come as readily.  I know what is wrong with me and I'm learning how to cope with it and still enjoy my life.

 

I have had ovarian cysts, too, and they are extremely painful.  I, too was doubled over with the cyst.  But that should clear up pretty soon and you will be feeling much better.  Thanks for your post.  It touched on how all of us feel.  Have a good day!

 

Sherrine

I agree to all. I too have cysts that burst, and they are very painful. I totally agree with Sera Smiles. She's got some good advice.