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My husband told me he resents me :(

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Posted 4/22/2009 12:07 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Everyone,

So I've never talked about this here (mainly because I didn't know how)..but over the past couple of years, I've noticed that from time to time my husband gets really short tempered with me. He's not mean or nasty, he just gets exasperated. You know-eye rolls, sighs, "WHAT!?" responses when I call for him. I've chalked it up to stress-we've had TONS of stress in our lives the past couple of years-and have tried to ignore it, but have had a hard time with it because when he gets like this, I know he's upset with me, but I don't know why. I've tried to talk to him about it, and he's always just brushed it off and blamed it on the stress, so I always let it go.

It's bothered me, though, and I've worried-why is he mad at me? is he unhappy? does he not love me?? and I have to admit it's depressed me. We used to be so close, and over the past couple of years we've just gotten further apart and I haven't known what to do. Again, I've blamed it on our outside stress, but that hasn't made it any easier.

Well, yesterday he came home with the good news that he has been offered a paid internship for the summer. I was very happy for him-it's good pay, plus credit for college-but it does include a lot of long hours and a lot of night shifts (he would be managing a seasonal ice cream shop for a friend of his Economic Professor). I told him that it was awesome and I was happy and proud. Then I mentioned that I would have to talk to my dad and see if maybe he could change his summer plans (He spends his summers up north staying at a friend's cabin) so that he could be around to help me with the kids. Well, the next thing I know my husband is getting super pissy with me..stomping around the house, irritable with me every time I say anything. I don't know what it was, but I just couldn't take it this time. I started crying, which only made him more irritated with me, which made me only cry harder. When I asked him what was wrong, he said it was because he didn't want my father around all summer (he isn't exactly my father's #1 fan). I told him I understood that, but that I would really need some help and didn't have anyone else to turn to. (His parents are NO help whatsoever..)

So this went on throughout the evening until the kids went to bed. After they were out, we had a big blowout. I basically told him-look, you need to make peace with yourself and peace with your family (he has a lot of family issues, but that's another story) because I can't handle this cold indifferent treatment anymore.

Finally, after going rounds about this, out of the blue he looked at me and sighed and said "I resent you for having Fibro". He then went on to explain that he resents the fact that my having fibro means we have to plan things out and he can't just do things like take an internship without worrying how it will affect me. He resents that he can't fix it. He resents that I am not the same person I was when we met. Basically, he just laid it all out on the table and said it's been eating away at him and it's been the main cause of his shortness with me.

I was stunned. And hurt. And I started crying and I didn't know what to say. I mean, I think I already knew this, deep down. But it's totally different to hear it out loud. We talked through it some more last night, but today I'm still feeling like someone pulled the rug out from under me. I mean-what do I do with this information? I know it's ultimately good that he was honest with me, but it still really hurts. sad

So...what do I do now? What do we do now?

I don't know..I know you guys can't fix this for me, but I just needed to talk about it somewhere. I hope that's ok.
Posted 4/22/2009 1:01 PM (GMT 0)

Sleepy,

I suspect that your husband would have reacted differently if he had been able to "enjoy the moment" a little longer before you brought him down to earth.

We all have made sacrifices due to our Fm and our families have had to follow suit. It was a blow to him to have this opportunity shadowed by the Fibro cloud. He surely feels that he has sacrificed so much already and has gotten to the end of his rope.

I would approach him in a positive way about the opportunity, let him know how excited you are for him, and give him this time to have a glowing light.

In a couple days regroup and talk with him about the many desicions you two need to make about the changes that will occur in BOTH of your lives with this new, great opportunity.

Men need accomplishments to maintain our egos. You simply popped his ego when you ended his celebration early.

Posted 4/22/2009 1:11 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Danielle.  I'm no psychologist, but here is my two cents.

 

I actually think that it is a good thing that his frustration/resentment is finally out in the open.  Once you put a name to it, then you have a place to start working on it.

 

I also think that it is a pretty common reaction for the "well" spouse to have resentment towards the "sick" spouse or at least towards the disease. Both of your lives have changed tremendously, and there are so many emotions that need to be dealt with like anger, frustration, disappointment, grief, etc.

 

Having said all of that, I do understand how hurtful his revelation was.  We have so much we have to deal with that it is just so hard to deal with the fact that our loved ones are suffering and frustrated too. 

 

I guess my suggestions would be to talk, talk, talk about it, and then talk some more.  Give him all the information about fibro that you can to help him understand, especially information for caregivers/ "well" spouses.  Try to be patient and gentle with him; I'm sure that he loves you, and it's hard for him to see you suffer (and he can't do anything to fix it).  Take him to a doctor's appointment with you.  Maybe consider counseling. 

 

I'm sending you very soft cyber (((hugs))).  Please try not to be too hard on yourself (or on him).  If both parties are committed (and it sounds like you are), then you will get through this.

 

Austen   

Posted 4/22/2009 1:27 PM (GMT 0)

Oh Danielle.  I think if everyone on this forum were to be completely honest, they would admit that at one time or another our partners, friends, co-workers and family have harbored some kind of resentment for this disease.  NOT US...the disease.  It is a chronic, and some times a dibilitating condition that strips of us our freedom, which in turn affects everyone around us.  They tire of hearing us say we can't do certain things, even though they intellectually understand it.  We can't be spontaneous.  We have to research every facet of a trip or an outting...there are days when the dishes just have to sit, and so do you.  You know what I mean.

I do not believe your husband resents you for a moment.  I think he resents the disorder, which leads to his frustration.  Of course he would just for once like to make a major lifesyle change and not take your disease into consideration.  But it is what it is, Danielle.  We didn't choose to be struck down with this...it just happened just like any other disease.

My husband pops a vein evey time I leave the garage door open all night. Or lose gas caps and keys.  He wonders, with eye rolling, why I am standing in a room and don't know why I am there. Or why every single day I smash my knee caps on the open dishwasher door and coffee table.  He does have respect for the pain, but hasn't quite accepted The Fog.

I would just say that this is a catharsis that will pass.  None of us are the same people we were ten years ago...with or without fibro. Who would want to be?  It may be good that the both of you got this all out in the open.  You don't have to wonder anymore.  I know you can work through this, with compromise on both sides.  Talk, talk talk!

Wish I had a better answer.  Good luck and many hugs, my friend.  You are strong, and will get through this.

Donna


Posted 4/22/2009 1:32 PM (GMT 0)
(((((Danielle)))))
I'm so sorry this is happening to you, really I am. In some way, it is good, well, it's good that he finally came out with it. Men seem to have such a tough time sharing their feelings...well, at least the men that I have known in my life. I'm sure it was very painful for you. I think I can relate. Although my husband has never come out with anything, I know that he has some kind of negative feelings about me having FM; sadly, he doesn't say anything, like I can't feel it, you know? It's been over 20 years for me and when I say "I'm in pain, this hurts" he will respond with "yeah me too"...nice, huh? So, I've stopped telling him. It's painful when your spouse simply doesn't have the compassion for you. But in your case, I think you both have taken some huge steps towards working this out, the fact that you are talking about it is HUGE. He's talking about his feelings! Maybe now that he's been able to talk about it with you, maybe he can work on his feelings. I'll bet it's a huge load off his shoulders to have told you what he's feeling. Try to see the positive in this. I do feel for you and am sending you loving, gentle hugs, my friend,
Miriam
Posted 4/22/2009 1:35 PM (GMT 0)

Aww Danielle,

First, let me give you a gentle hug for about 10 mins. You need one.

That must have been very tough to hear and painful straight through your heart.  I hate that feeling, sort of like the emotional wind getting knocked out of you.

But, I think he needed to get it off his chest.  I think it was good that he was honest with you and I agree with Jokat, that this can be sort of a new beginning.  I also think you should give it a few days to settle and then regroup on it.  I think you need to try to move in a positive direction with it, but that's going to take some time.

We fibro-mites have the other side of the coin to deal with.. when we hear that someone has something great and exciting going on in their lives, we can tend to get a little resentful of that too.  We always have to be concerned about how to go about doing something adventurous (sp) and new. Will effect our health/pain/fatigue?  Would we be able to do something more difficult or challenging??  It instills a little fear in all of us.  And we wish we could just go ahead and do something like that without thinking twice or 500 times, before we just jumped in and got started.

I'm really happy for you and your hubby, having an opportunity like this.  Yes, it will be challenging for you, but I know YOU can do it!!!!  You're a creative thinker.. maybe you can get the kids enrolled in a couple of programs during the summer.. there are things they can do with the parks dept. and stuff that's low or no cost, you just have to find them.  Does the school system have any programs for the kids?  Maybe one  of the churches nearby has a summer program??

I hope you and hubby can grow from this.  That's the best way to look at a hurdle in the road. 

((((((( more hugs ))))))))))

Posted 4/22/2009 1:55 PM (GMT 0)
(((((((((((((((((gentle hugs))))))))))))))))))
Danielle, everyone has given you such great advice. All I wanted to add was to let him have this. What I mean is (if I can pull the words together) if he starts to feel guilty for saying anything about it, just tell him that this was what he needed to do. I believe this will be a whole new start, as long as he doesn't try to clam up again because he feels bad & like he shouldn't have said what he said. He needed to say it & be heard in the same way we need to be heard. I think he needed to say it because he loves you & has felt bad for having any kind of resentment. But he resents the illness & he hates what it has done to you. He wants to fix it & he can't. Make him a nice dinner or take him out to dinner to celebrate both the new job & the new beginning. Many soft hugs, Denise
Posted 4/22/2009 4:03 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Danielle,

Our family has given great advice as usual. I completely agree with Donna, if HONEST all our significants harbor some resentment, it is normal. It's just that very few of them actually admit it for fear of sounding selfish.

You know the chronic nature of this horrible thing is so sad. If we just had some acute illness that could be fixed. When I get in my husbands shoes, huge as they are LOL, I realize how very patient he really is. I'm not sure how I would handle the very drastic changes we have had to make and so suddenly. I can no longer do one of his favorite passions, boating, b/c the jousting just kills me. Now he has virtually given this up for me. I tell him over and over to go I don't mind but he won't leave me to go. They sacrifice a lot, man I mean a lot!!!!

The dad thing just brought his guilt out for not being around as much. This is a good thing and hind sight will prove it so.

Many warm hugs, Patsie
Posted 4/22/2009 5:07 PM (GMT 0)
You have gotten some wonderful advice here, Danielle.  You must remember that he doesn't resent you.  He resents your illness and what it has done to you.  I agree that it is good that this has come out and that you two can talk about it.  If it hadn't come out, it would have festered into a much larger problem. 

 

Since the prospect of your father spending the summer with  you brought this out I think your family needs to sit down and make plans so your father doesn't need to be there at all.  How old are your children, Danielle?  If they are not babies, then they certainly can pitch in and help, instead of worrying about taking care of them.  My parents had good health but I was expected to do many things from a young age because I was a member of the family.  We all had "assignments" so that the family unit moved well. I would dust and my brother and I had to clean up the dinner dishes.  We also had to keep our rooms neat and we had to pick up after ourselves.  By the time I was 11 years old, I was babysitting and not only caring for two children but cooking for them too.  So, if your children aren't babies, you should be able to get some help from them.  

 

I feel that you and  your husband will talk and get this worked out.  It's wonderful that he has this opportunity and your whole family should pitch in to make this summer really special...for everyone!  

 

Sherrine 

Posted 4/22/2009 5:40 PM (GMT 0)
I know how you feel. I've had fibro for nearly 25 years and at various times my husband has been nasty and resentful toward me. I know he feels like he carries the entire load, and he mostly does. But like Patti said, I think I am also resentful that he can go out and do fun things and I can't, either because of pain or fatigue. So it's just an issue we carry around and try not to feel anymore resentfulness than we have to. Diane
Posted 4/22/2009 6:34 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Danielle,
My WONDERFUL Husband is Probably feeling the same way yours does. He is the most patient person that I know, but he is only human. I resent the conditions that have interrupted my WHOLE life! I was one that was constantly busy.Our lives were busy and full of happiness. Since I was diagnosed, our lives have completely changed! We have only been married 9 years in Dec. Second marriade for both of us, Im'also 9 years older than he is but he still had to try and keep up with me. This all came to a STOP in avery short time. Now everything hurts to the point where he wants' to hug me and my body wants to scream out of the pain and so do I. Living with pain is so hard because it affects all parts of your life and everyone in it. My suggestion would be to educate your husband on your conditions. When I was finally DX my Hubby went on the internet to investigate what all the hulla ballo was about. Im' positive that was something that helped him understand what I was going thru.He has seen me at the lowest points in my life and he is still here holding my hand. And we know that our trials are not over but by the GRACE of GOD we'll be stronger than before.
Posted 4/22/2009 7:07 PM (GMT 0)

OUCH- and hope things are a little better today.

I know I have times I get SO frustrated with this dang "fibro" - so I know it has to frustrate the close people around us at times too. Two years is a long time to let things build up and it finally came out. Now is the perfect opportunity to get things talked out re: family and summer plans. Just him letting it all out, may have helped "the frustration" part already. We'll be here for you if you need us!

Jill

Posted 4/22/2009 8:43 PM (GMT 0)
Danielle,

Lots of good advise. Don't let your husband "clam up" and not talk about his resentment towards your fibro. Now that he has brought his feelings out into the light, keep the conversation going. Take the lemons and make some lemonade :-)

You have been given some great ideas about your children, too. Having them have chores, if possible, is a good idea for helping you with your fibro and for helping them become little responsible beings :-)

Another thought.....once you and your husband have talked everything out, have a family meeting. Have a family celebration for your husband. Let the children rejoice with you. Then take the opportunity to explain to the children that because of daddy's new opportunity everyone will need to pitch in around the house because he won't be able to be there as much for awhile. Let the kids help make decisions about how they can help. If they have choices and feel included in the process, you may be surprised with what they come up with!

NanaNan
Posted 4/22/2009 8:52 PM (GMT 0)
Danielle,

I know that it is hard and your husband does not resent you only the fibro. My husband and I have a lot of issues with fibro.. We basically have no private life if you catch my drift... My hubby sometimes gets where he thinks I dont want to be with him but at the end of the day I am done I dont want to be touched at all I have a leave me alone attitude..This is a hard thing to deal with.. Maybe you should set aside a date at home with hubby after the kids arein bed.
LeeAnn
Posted 4/30/2009 12:21 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Everyone,

Just bringing this back up to let you all know how things have been going.

I took your advice, Jokat (which I greatly appreciated-thank you so much for giving me a guys view on things!) and waited a few days, then brought it back up with him. I told him that I realized how important it was for him to feel like I was proud and supportive of his opportunity and that I was sorry for raining on his parade, so to speak. I also told him how much I greatly appreciate how much he does for me and our kids and that I know he does what he does so that we can have a good life. He really appreciated my saying that and we had a really good talk about how this dd affects not just me, but him as well. I have always been aware of how it affects my kids, but a lot of times forget how it affects him.

As for my kids, they already are quite helpful-my daughter does the dishes and her own laundry and cleans the bathroom on Saturdays. My little guys pick up their own toys and help with small chores like dusting and feeding the dogs, so I do have help there. (My hubby is also very helpful around the house) My main concern with hubby being gone all summer is getting my kids out and about. I know they won't want to spend the whole summer inside, but taking them out all the time really wears me out. Hubby and I talked about it, though, and we're going to work it out so that hubby helps me get them out to the park or the beach either before or after he goes to work, then I can just take them out in our yard, which doesn't wear me out as bad. So, I think it will be ok.

Anyway-this actually did turn out to be a good thing. Hubby and I are talking a lot more about things and he's in a much better mood after getting that off his chest.

Thank you all for your advice and support-I really do appreciate it!! :-)
Posted 4/30/2009 1:12 PM (GMT 0)
Oh Danielle I have been wondering about you. Thank you for letting us know the better news. Isn't it just so hard to keep the communication going?? Proud of you.

Saw your note on dairy and I have wondered the same thing, but mouse here give up her cheese; just don't know if I can handle that one.

Heading to Disney with the other family and just know it was the right decision. Thanks for your input on that one.

Have a great weekend, Patsie Mc Fatsie (just kidding but I have put some on)
Posted 4/30/2009 2:05 PM (GMT 0)
Danielle, I'm glad this is all working out for the best for you and your hubby. I do want to say that it is not just fibro our mates can resent. Awhile back my DH and I had an app. in the city and afterwards I asked him if there was anything else he wanted to do while we were there and he says, "I would like to go out and eat but of course we can't do that". Meaning because of my IBS and he said it in a tone that kinda stung. However, if I was to set here and make a list of things that I resent about him, even though they are not health related, I'd have a page full in no time. The difference is we can't change the fact that we have fibro but there are somethings that my DH does or doesn't do that he could change if he wanted to. No one is perfect but since we have something we can't change that affects our whole family we feel guilty about it.

 

Keep on talking!!!

 

luv and hugs

Marlee

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