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Feeling Inadequate and Misunderstood

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Posted 5/25/2009 5:06 AM (GMT 0)
I've been planning a wedding and trying to keep up with my house, my two husky pups, my cat, and my fiance. I just graduated college but have been unable to work for months because of the stress and fibro flairs. It's taken a big toll on our finances, my fiance and continues to take its toll on me. I feel so horrible because I haven't been able to work. I'm trying to find something that will work well within my limits but it's not easy to find. I was sick of jumping from job to job and having to quit because I would get so sick. Now though, I feel inadequate in his parents eyes sometimes because I am not working and he is having to bring in all the income through working at the hospital and coast guard. He is also a full time student. Plus I can't even keep my house spotless. Just really feeling inadequate right now and of course feeling that people aren't understanding the scale of my symptoms.
Posted 5/25/2009 5:31 AM (GMT 0)
Dear Jen -- You really need to give yourself credit for all that you have done and are doing...... You actually have a pretty large load from my point of view! I think a lot of fibromites deal with self-esteem issues periodically; lots of us have depression as a result. It's hard to accept our limitations, regardless of what they are, and we tend to feel like we are somehow inadequate. We are definitely not.....we deal with more physical and emotional issues than the rest of the population can even imagine! That's part of the problem -- if you are not a fibromite, it is really difficult to understand how hard it can be for us to manage a daily routine. Some of us can do more than others, but the bottom line is still that most folks who don't have this condition just don't get it -- not the pain or fatigue or limitations or any of it. Those who at least listen and actually believe what we are saying are true blessings. We are not lazy or inadequate or inferior or any of the multitude of negatives -- the more positive we are about ourselves, the better we will feel physically, too. Please don't be so hard on yourself....post again soon, okay? We care, and we have our arms around you....We are here.
Shash
Posted 5/25/2009 9:10 AM (GMT 0)

Your post made me want to cry, Jen. I know exactly how you're feeling. You WANT to do so much, but your body won't let you. You went to college to have a career, and here it is, you can't even work. Shash is right, most people without fibro just don't get it. It took my own husband a while to get it, and sometimes even now, I wonder. I hope your future in-laws eventually learn to accept your situation. Perhaps your fiance can work that end. Planning a wedding is stressful. Anyone who's ever arranged a seating chart can attest to that. Ask for help from your loved ones. Your not lazy. You're afflicted with a dreadful disease, and it's not your fault, so don't feel guilty. Hugs to you.

Di 

Posted 5/25/2009 12:57 PM (GMT 0)
I understand how you feel. A lot of people with fibro have those same feelings that you are having. I think a good idea would be to sit down with your fiance and tell him how you are feeling. You two are going to get married and spend the rest of your lives together. He needs to know how you feel. You need to know that you can be open and honest with him about everything, especially things like this.
One thing my husband always tells me when I am feeling like you are is, "You are doing the best that you can, and that is what matters. Somedays, it may not seem like you do anything, but you do." He is always telling me things like that. I really do understand how you are feeling. I am a mother. My son is 19 months old. I used to work when he was younger, but I lost my job because of my fibro. I kept having to call in because I was in too much pain to work, so, I lost my job. I can barely keep up with the housework, which is usually a big chore in my house with a baby wandering around throwing everything all over the place.
You are doing the best that you can, and you can't expect anything more of yourself. If you do, then you will ground yourself down into a rut that will be hard to get out of. I agree with Shash that you need to stay positive, no matter how hard it may be.
about your future in-laws...It may take them a while to get it. I would go to google and find the Spoon Theory. I'm not sure if the link is in the info section of the board or not, but you could look there. Show it to your fiance, and then ask him to talk to his parents and he can show it to them. They still may not get it, but at least there will be some subconsious understanding. Don't fret too much about the little things. Try to rid yourself of unneeded stress. Let us know how you are doing. We care. Good luck to you.
Posted 5/25/2009 1:25 PM (GMT 0)
Feelings of inadequacy are very common with Chronic Disease victims. It's even harder when it's an "ïnvisible disability". I have lived my whole life with people scoffing everytime I beg off going out to a function or event, because I know, it will be uncomfortable, and I'll just wear myself out over something non-essential, and not be able to attend to the essential bits. Like grocery shopping, and getting to the dentist and getting my Dad to his myriad appointments. Those things are essential. Movies and parties are not. Also, although I know how they suffer so, sometimes I imagin being in a wheelchair. At least then people will see that I have real limitations, and not think I'm just making up excuses because I'm lazy. about the wedding, none of my business, but, many here will attest that I'll say it anyway. Ever consider a scaled down affair, as financial pressures loom? Then in a year or two, do the whole meal deal. None of my business, but it does seem like you have an awful lot going on. The single biggest stressor on relationships is money problems. Ask Dr. Phil. Now, I invite me to shut up.

Posted 5/25/2009 7:18 PM (GMT 0)
Why, Thank-You for asking. I keep my life as simple as I possibly can, barring familial obligations, my dad and my son who appears to be struggling. I studied Zen Meditation for many years. Everything I do (except lie in bed curled up in pain) I enjoy to the ultimate. I have to walk the dogs twicea day (son does the two evening walks. While we're walking I'm noticing the cloud patterns in the sky, and where the crows are perched relative to where their young might be, in their nests. If you pay attention to pairs of birds, you'll see the female perches close to the nest, the male takes a far perspective from way up high, on alert for mauraders. I say hello to the children and friendly folk along the way. When I go to the grocery store, I notice little touches, like how they put the milk as far from the front door as possible, so you have to wander through all the tempting displays. Finally, I have a few friends, forever, from long ago, who email me really funny excerps from their lives. This is best of all. I also watch want ads for someone who might need a helping hand, like one lady who returned to her home from away, her ex had left with everything, including her clothes. She posted in the want ads, pls. help. Need clothes. I dug some up, called her, met her, gave her some neat stuff I rarely wear, (I'm a jeans and t-shirt gal, business dresses were from another lifetime. I just try to make the best of each and every day'I don't often have a plan when I awake; unless someone has an appointment somewhere, I wait to see what pops up, and how well I feel with regard to gardening or not. In the summer I attend music concerts, they give back much more energy than they take. Also, I know a lot of the local musicians, so I get updated on what's going on, with everyone. I try to keep a positive attitude. I will do as much as I can do on any given day, to the best of my ability, then I accept my limitations. This mindset did not come easy. Once you realise you have little or no control, you adopt an attitude of acceptance, and let's face it, life is just a series of adaptations. That's about it. Finally, I'm working on remembering the Desiderata. "Go placidly among the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence." That's how much I got so far. Love ya'll

Posted 5/26/2009 4:15 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you everyone for all your replies. It's wonderful to read advice and bits of peoples' lives who are in the same place I am or who have been there. SassyMyKitty, I love the support that you are getting from your husband. I love how he reassures you that you are doing the best you can. I don't feel like my fiance can do that anymore. When I'm home, sick in bed, all he wants to do is leave anymore because he can't take it. He says it brings him down and I understand that so I understand when he needs guy time, but it seems like he's always gone, to work which I understand, with the guys, which I understand but wish he wouldn't do so much of, and helping everyone else but me. I just get to feeling so lonely. I've lost contact with a lot of friends because of life changes and such so I really don't have anyone close to me where I could just go over to their house and talk and hang out with them and find comfort in their company. Tonight, I went out for a drive, just to get away from the house, where I was alone anyway. I wished I could go to someone's house but ended back up at home again. Couldn't take care of the dogs today and felt horrible about it. I spent yesterday doing wedding stuff and helping clean up at my in-laws house: stacking firewood, mulching, taking down and old bird shed. Then last night I couldn't sleep very well, woke up with stomach issues. I took 3 tylenol pm, heated up a rice bag for my stomach, moved to another bedroom and was still restless and unable to sleep and in pain from yesterday. So I drank a Mike's Hard Lemonade, thinking that would relax my muscles and help me sleep. Still couldn't sleep. I finally just went for a jog in the hopes that that would wear out my muscles and was finally able to get to sleep at about 8:00 in the morning. I ended up sleeping for most of the day. My fiance left at 1:30 to go to his parents and has been gone all day. He called me once and said that his friend could do my makeup for the wedding so I didn't have to spend the money. I told him I had already make the appointment at the makeup studio and that I would think about it. He seemed to get upset about that and didn't even say "I love you" before he hung up. Then the next time he called was about 10:30 pm to tell me he was going to his friend's house and its past midnight and he still isn't home. Ugggh. Sometimes I just want to go out and volunteer somewhere but my fiance says he wants me to get something that pays money first before I go out volunteering. I understand that but I feel that maybe I can get rid of some of my loneliness by helping somewhere. I don't know.
Posted 5/26/2009 10:47 AM (GMT 0)

Meditation is a way of life, for me, rather than an exercise that I sit down and do. There is a type of meditation where you sit still and focus on a spot on the wall, or an object but I've only done that a few times. When I speak of meditation, zen, it is seeing, hearing, smelling the world and everything in it, pleasurably, no matter how mundane the chores at hand. If I go for a walk, that's the absolute best, funnest, funniest walk, ever. cause,"if you got it today, use it today, there is no tomorrow, it's just one great big day, man". I should also say, I am a work in progress. I haven't quite made it all the way there. But I do try.

 True Love Jen. If you are having these struggles w. boyfriend not coming home at night, now, and not able (so he says, to be around you, as ït "brings him down"), there is an elephant in the middle of your living room and everybody is pretending it's not there. Talking around it, straining to make eye contact but that darn elephant is in the way. Everybody is terrified to say"elephant in room", maybe  if we keep ignoring it, it will go away.

Posted 5/26/2009 1:11 PM (GMT 0)
Jen, I totally agree with Tyno. It made me very sad for you that you spend so much time alone when your about to get married. Fibro came into my life and my DH's life, what affects one of us affects both of us, we are one. We were middle age when I got fibro and we weren't the kind of people that went out partying at night or anything anyway. My future DIL who is 32 was recently dxd with fibro but has had it for about 4 yrs, she had it when she and my son started their relationship. My son has never been one to go out to bars and stuff but he doesn't go to friends houses to escape watching her suffer or because she is too tired to go with him and he is a very active social person. My point being I think you need to talk to your fiance and he is either 100% with you and accepting of the fact you have fibro or there are going to be problems down the road, he can't run from this no more than you can.

 

luv and hugs

Marlee

Posted 5/26/2009 8:12 PM (GMT 0)
I understand what you're going through and I hate that anyone has to go through this stuff. I agree with the others posts, you need to talk to your fiance, I would also go so far to say you need to check into local assistance programs even if it's just food stamps and LIEAP or Low Income Energy Assistance Program, they also have programs to help you find suitable work, such as working from home or temp positions. I tell myself everyday, "I may not have a day with no pain, but I will have a day with less pain." and then I go from there, I do what I have to first, and if there is anything left over, I try to do something else, and Tyno is right, everything can be good, just depending on how you look at it. It's better to laugh than to cry.
Posted 5/26/2009 10:20 PM (GMT 0)
Truelove,

I strongly suggest that you sit down with your fiance and tell him how you are feeling. Whenever I feel really bad, it brings my hubby down because he loves me so much, but, he doesn't leave. He stays with me, unless there is something that he has to do. You really need to sit down and talk about all of this with your fiance. He needs to know that you need him. He needs to know that you are going to be taking vows together, and one of those is "in sickness and in health" and even though it may be hard on him, he needs to be there for you. That is what love is. He can still take some guy time because you don't want him really depressed, but, I hate to say this...if he really does love you, then he will suck it up some and be there for you. Because that is what love is. It isn't about only being there on your good days. It is being there through the good and the bad. It is about being there no matter what and being understanding. There are definately some issues that need to be taken care of, it seems, before you two tie the knot. Marriage is about partnership. Marriage is about unconditional love. If your fiance can't be there for you when you need him the most, when you are sick and feeling down, then there is a problem. Are you religious? If so, I would suggest going to counseling with a pastor before you get married and discuss everything there. It sometimes helps a lot to have an unbiased third party around to observe and make observations and suggestions. I really hope it all works out for you. If you need my e-mail addy and want to talk privately sometime, I will make sure that my main e-mail addy is available for you to see.

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