going home and afraid

I've been at my daughter's house since saturday.  Jayson said he wanted some time alone and , I said  "then you have it."  He says that its just too much for him ....that work has got him burned out and he just doesnt want to have to worry about waking up to find me dead from another stoke.   I cant live with so much hate in his heart.  He is angry most times, or just wants to be alone or not bothered by my asking him whats wrong.  He said things arent the same as they were a few years ago and that theres no spark between us.   I just talked to him a few minutes ago and I asked if he missed me and his reply was some as in just a little and said that my being here wasnt long enough.  I think there wouldt be a time long enough for him.  I have been thinking too and I think I dont know if I want to even give it try.  He says you cant work things out just like that but  maybe he is just someone I cant work things out ever.  I would have to live with my mom in a very small apartment and I hate to think of leaving the place were I am not were I at least can have my flowers and its roomy.  I think the kind of man Jayson is is someone who I have to see what mood he is iin before I can even talk.  He is angry even though he says he isnt.  He isnt the man that I knew either.  I cant help that I had the strokes and I cant help that I got fibro.  He says that I am always saying Im hurting well I am and thats not feeling sorry for myself.  I push myself everyday to get things done and it means nothing to him.  I m afraid to go home to feel sad and like that woman I was in my other marriage always afriad to say or do something to set him off.  Dont get me wrong he can be kind at times and does nice things but he is so up and down and just when I think I cant take no more he does something amazing for me.  I have recently been falling lately and I think it was the ambein I have been taking.  I fell the night before I left and I hurt my kidney pretty badly, I landed on a mini vacuum and it was a straight wHam no breaking my fall at all and i have been barely walking around but I know I'll get crap about it when I go home.  I just dont feel that I should go somewhere else just so he has more time alone.  I need time to heal and i figured out why I was falling so thats going to stop but it wont mattered I'll still get crap.  I am sorry for going on so but I just am so sad right noW and I think a major change is coming and I dont know if I can do it with facing surgery on my brain coming up (forgot to let you guys on that)and my health failing me at every turn.  I go now cause I cant stop crying I love you guys.

 

Karen

I hate to see you hurting (in your heart). I know that you're not feeling okay or secure with how the relationship is. Right now is a tough time for both you and him. I can't say if you should make the call to quit. That's something that only you two can decide. But it is something that you need to sit down and talk with him about. I know, I know.. you're not feeling like you can talk to him right now. But this is something that you two had to talk about to start it, and it's something that you two need to talk about to finish it.

You may be surprised at how he's feeling. You've made remarks before about him not having the best communication skills. It may just be that he's scared for your health, and he doesn't know how to express that. A lot of times when people don't have the ability to communicate that kind of thing, they instead will push you away as a pre-emptive move to prevent themselves from being hurt. This kind of thing happens a lot of times in military marriages where one partner is getting ready to be deployed and the mate that's staying home starts getting grouchy and snippy because if they don't "love them as much" it won't hurt so bad when the other one leaves.

Another point to keep in mind is that WORRY is one of those emotions that we as humans don't really have a good way to dispose of. It's like when you have a child that's been out all night that didn't call to say they were okay. When you finally do see them, you yell. You're not really yelling because you were angry - you're yelling because you were worried. And the morphing the worry into hostility is the only real way that we know how to dissipate the fear and worry.

Really the only thing that I can encourage you to do is to try and talk to him. I know you have to "wait and see" what kind of a mood he's in before you talk to him. That's why I would suggest that you ask him to look at his work schedule, any appointments, etc and you look at your own - that way you two can schedule a time to talk this through. If he already knows what the subject is going to be, then he has the time to get his head in the right place. And if he doesn't get his head into the right place to be able to talk about it - then that's not your problem - it's his.

The remark about you always saying that you're hurting really hit home with me. This is something that I'm having to go through myself. I pretty much hurt all the time. When I'm at home I feel that I can be relaxed and honest about my status, so I tend to say it more. When I'm not at work, and not having to put on the public smiling face, I say more of how I feel. The DBF ends up feeling that he's either somehow failing me by not doing enough to prevent me from having the pain of movement (putting away groceries, etc) or else that he's somehow the cause of the pain. He and I have had to have some serious talks about this due to the feeling of inadequacy that has been a residual effect of my honesty.

Regardless of the outcome (split or stay) you two need to talk. I hope that you have a chance to express to him all the things that you treasure about the relationship and hopefully you'll have a chance to hear him express all the things that he treasures about it too. And you guys will remember why it is that you got together in the first place.

I don't know if you will find any of the above advice helpful at all, but if you decide that you want to talk further about it, then you're welcome to email me. You've been one of the people who's posts I've payed a lot of attention since your relationship with Jay is so similar to mine (age difference and all) and I would like to be able to give back the support that I was able to take from you and your postings.

Post Edited (Piercings) : 5/26/2009 6:05:26 PM (GMT-6)

QTK,

First of all, I want to make sure that you know I love you-we all do. It would be really easy for me to say "I know what you are going through," but I don't think what I'm going through is 1/10th of your problems. I really cannot believe the way Jayson is acting! He should be grateful that he still has you, not making comments that only make you feel worse.

I know how it feels to have someone say they love you and then treat you as if you are disposable. Please know that you can always come here (or to me) to vent. LOL-you know that we sisters in gab have a ton we could talk about. Take care, and if you need us, we are here!

Yesterday I came home to a somewhat enjoyable man. He acted as if nothing had happened. We walked to the store and he asked me how much money I still had from what I beleive to be 60 for groceries and 20 for me to do as I pleased when I told him I had 20 left of the grocery money he became enraged and started asking me what I spent it on. I calmly told him we had gone to the store before I left and that I bought food for my stay at my daughters. He then said he gave me 100 dollars and I said I believed it was 80. He stormed away saying so now your going to call me a lair. He ended up outside and asked where the dip and bread I was going to get and I said I no longer felt like eating and he said if you dont go back and get it im going to drag you by your hair into the store until you do. This is what I get.....him getting mad at me for a simple disagreement. Now he has never hit me or anything but its just that talk. He then asked if I was trying to p&&& him off and I said no and he said it sure sounded like i was. He gets mad at the drop of hat. I cant handle his f this and b that its so much a part of how he is. I dont know just telling it like is with him.  Once I siad he was right and I  must be wrong he was back to his normal self.  Me agreeing with him like usual. Another fight another day.

Karen,

I've been watching this thread today and I am concerned about you. Just because he doesn't hit you doesn't mean it's not abuse. What he is doing is abuse...plain and simple! I lived through it before although mine was a bit different but no one should be allowed to treat you this way nor should you ever expect to have to put up with it. It's obvious he has anger issues but it may go deeper. He may be bipolar or just mean. I have no idea but you do NOT have to live with it. You are not well...you can barely talk. He has no right to treat you this way. If he gets some help and learns how to behave then maybe you two can work it out but all this is doing is pushing you toward an early death. You are not his slave...ever!

That house is yours as much as his and HE can leave if it comes down to it. You need someone to protect and advocate for you. There are services in Mason and Kitsap County that can and will help you...OK? I'm not sure which county you are in. If you aren't sure of who they are please email me and I"ll help you find the phone numbers for them. I also have a couple of contacts in Belfair for more information. Please protect and take care of yourself...OK?

I'm sorry that I sound angry at your husband but I've been there and I don't want you to go through it.

Hugs,
Chutzie

Oh Karen, your posts are just breaking my heart. Pls get away from him. You should never have to walk on eggshells in your own home w/ your own husband. You have so many serious health issues going on, you don't need that stress of trying to say or do the 'right' thing to avoid an argument or worse.

Chutz is right, get help to protect yourself, physically and to protect your home. Why should you leave it, just w/ your health issues alone you should be in safe, comfortable and familiar surroundings. He is the one who wants a change, let him pack and get out.

You know what your health issues are, his issues appear to be much darker.

My thoughts and prayers are w/ you. You deserve to be in a loving and peaceful environment.

God bless.  Alice.

Karen, I am really sorry that you are going through this with Jayson. Dr Phil has a saying "I would rather be alone and (emotionally) healthy than together and (emotionally) sick." You have way too much physical stuff going on to put up with that stuff. But like others have said no one should ever have to put up with that for any reason. I know it is easy for me to say this since I am an outsider but it seems clear that he needs to get his act together or get out. You deserve that. Please be careful and know that we are thinking of you and wanting the best for you. Lisa