Angry at my family over fibro fog

It's been well known in my household that I have a sometimes spotty memory, and before I was diagnosed last year with fibro, my family often thought it funny that I would forget little things. However, recently it seems that the hubby and daughters are turning it back at me and using it as a weapon for their own devices. Let me explain.

There have been several instances lately where my family would claim they told me something, or that I agreed to something, when I know 100%, without a doubt, that it's not true. I have been working diligently to make a point of either remembering something, or writing it down in a place I can easily reach when I feel I might forget something important. I have suspected for the last few weeks that my family has been forgetting THEMSELVES to tell me something or have me do something, then blame my faulty memory when it doesn't get taken care of. The final straw came yesterday.

We rent movies frequently from those Redbox movie boxes at a local convenience store. The last couple we rented were due back yesterday, and it's usually my husband who returns them, because he likes to immediately rent out more while he's there. I took my younger daughter with me to go pick up her best friend at her friend's house to have a sleepover at my place. When I got home, my older daughter, who had been at home watching TV with her dad when I left, was just pulling up in her car right behind me as I parked. I asked where she went, and she laughed and said she had to drop off the movies that I had "forgotten" to take. I reminded her I couldn't have forgotten as I never agreed to take them in the first place. I HAD said I would drop off a couple of trash bags at the community dumpster on my way out (it's not very close to my apartment, and because we live on the third floor, we tend to take several bags at once instead of several different trips and do some considerable walking to another building), but that there was never any discussion about me returning any DVD's. She became kind of petulant and said, "No, you said you would take them back. You just don't remember it because of your memory problems. I can't help it that you forget things like that." I was so mad at her!!! I love my daughter unconditionally, but I know for a fact that she got it wrong. I stormed upstairs and asked my husband, and even he admitted he didn't remember me saying anything about returning them. He then used that tone on me that I hate, telling me to calm down, and not to worry because it's not a big deal.

I know it seems like such a little thing, them thinking I had forgotten to return a couple of movies, but it means a lot to me. When I was first diagnosed, and found that my memory problems were more than likely caused by the fibro fog, my family seemed accepting and willing to help. Now, I get snide comments (you'd better write it down-we don't want you forgetting again, do we?) and reminders of my condition in an almost insulting fashion (do you remember that day when we-oh, never mind, you probably don't, so I'll save my breath). I feel like I'm being punished by them, and even excluded at times, because of a condition that I have no control over. Perhaps I'm just taking it the wrong way and letting it get to me, but I'm working hard on getting through every day, and it sure doesn't help when I get treated like a mental patient by my own loved ones. I just don't think they realize the impact it has on my self-esteem when they treat me like a child. I don't want them to just automatically chalk up everything I do in life to the fibro. I promised them that this wouldn't affect their lives, that I would still take care of everything that needed to be taken care of, and that I wouldn't sit down and cry, feeling sorry for myself. More and more lately,though, I do feel like pulling the covers up over my head and crying until I can't cry anymore, but then remind myself that won't accomplish anything. I know I'm whining, and I promised myself that no matter how bad this got, I wouldn't do that. I guess I just needed to vent without my hurt feelings being dismissed as just another symptom of the great fibro monster.

Oooh, Shannon, that behaviour is just manipulative and wrong. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

Let me think - I may end up coming back with some strategies that may help... but it's a difficult situation so I may end up being as stumped as you.

So sorry,

Ivy.

Yeah, my nineteen year old tries to pull this on me too. The difference is, she knows what she's doing - and she's mean about it. I absolutely hate it when she tells me that I've forgotten something I know I haven't - and yes, it makes me angry too.

I'm sorry you have to put up with it. Stand firm when you know you're right, but try to control your anger - I've found it's best to avoid arguing. The angrier I get, the more confused the issue becomes, and then I start second-guessing myself. I wish I could come up with better coping strategies, but I also have cognitive difficulties from the Topamax and that doesn't help my situation at all. The best I can do is assert myself when I know I'm right and let her know that her games won't work... I wish I had something more helpful to offer.

I'd be really ticked off, too.  I like Ivy's idea, if you can get others to agree.

 

I have a friend that would make comments like that to me.  She would tell me that I needed to do crossword puzzles or mind games to help with my memory.     ~Doesn't have a clue.~  So, I told her that I have cognitive memory problems due to an illness and that I don't have control over that.  I think I shamed her because she knocked it off.

 

Your family should know better.  I have found though that having a good sense of humor helps with the fog.  I laugh at myself instead of getting upset.  That seems to take the tension out of the situation.  You aren't a "mental case".  You have a cognitive memory problem due to an illness.  Remember that.  If you know you haven't forgotten something that they say you did, just tell them that you aren't the only one having problems with memory...and then walk out of the room.

 

Sherrine

I relate, the other day I was driving my daughter to school and there is this hole in the driveway of the school. Well, I always seem to go right to it, even when I try to go around it, and she says "Mom you have issue's" Now this has been going on for awhile now with other things. The worse part for me was I had other kids in the car. So ALL day I was angry. Finally I took the time to pull her aside and talk about it. To my amazement she apologized and said she was scared herself because she is having the samethings happen to her also. After talking we realized she has 90 percent of the symptoms of fibro.  We finally realized we are just frustrated with ourselves and need to find a better way to talk to each other and encourage instead of degrating one another. I hope you know we understand the frustration of feeling mental when we truly know we are not.

I did break down and have a talk with DH, and let him know that when he and the girls do things like this, it only makes me more frustrated and prone to tension flares. He agreed that if something is very important he'll make sure it's posted where I can see it, and if it's not important and I say I don't remember it, then we'll let it go. I know he wants to help out, and feels helpless that he can't do more, but I have convinced him that even small things like this are a huge help to me.
I haven't talked with my 19 year old yet about it this week, as she works nights Monday thru Friday, so I think this weekend I'll sit her down and let her know, too. She has complained recently to waking up feeling exhausted, feeling kind of stiff and sore off and on, and feeling more and more frustrated and aggravated at work. She even dropped a long-time friendship with her best friend because she felt this girl was being too emotionally needy and pressuring. That's not like her at all, so perhaps she has fibro, too. If so, and she is having memory problems, it would probably be easier for her to put the blame on me and my well-established memory problems. Believe it or not, I get the least problems from my 11 year old, who is kind of a cool, laid-back kind of kid, lol!
Thanks for all the advice and encouragement. I know I get easily frustrated, and was maybe making a mountain out of a molehill. I didn't realize when I was first diagnosed that having fibro was such a team effort, lol! It may take a village to raise a child, but it takes an entire forum to handle my unstable emotional states, ha ha ha!