anxiety overload

hi all,

I hope everybody is coping well and having a good day.

I have only recently accepted my diagnosis of FM as i was in denial for the last few years. I rooted out a letter confirming the above 5 years ago but like most of you i know i've had it my entire life. I could never concentrate or stay awake in school and found it very difficult to fuction.

Anyway, the other thing i am just admitting is i also suffer anxiety and depression, I did not want to face it as my sister is bipolar and i didn't want to think i'd end up like her.  That's not to offend anyone, it's just she's very bad and as she spent about 10 years undiagnosed there's a lot of history and reasons for my attitude towards it.

I now realise it's my attitude that has to change amd accepting and admitting that i'm anxious and depressed is not the end of the world, although even as i write i'm afraid of being judged by you.

I seem to be in a constant state of anxiety and fear, of nothing in particular. everytime the phone rings or if i don't hear from my husband for a few hours i think the worst. This is also due to an unpredictable upbringing. Some examples are, walking in from school and finding 2 of my 3  sisters after trying suicide or self harming(at different times), my dad barging in on christmas day and smashing the dinner table with a hatchet(he did a repeat performance for easter), accidents all the time with machinery and animals(i grew up on a farm) there's lots more but you get the idea.

I know i need help but i can't afford counselling on top of my physio needs, my husband doesn't really understand as he thinks my whole family are nuts, which makes me fear he thinks i'm also nuts.

I'm going to the doctor today week and have to build up the courage to tell him how i feel but i don't know where to start. I also can't stop eating and know that's just a bad habit also.

I'm finding it so hard to cope, i can handle the pain, but not my mental state. Even as i type my husband has dashed in in a whirlwind with another machinery crisis, (we're agri contractors). His brother is just re couperating after nearly loosing his hand in a harvester a few weeks ago. He expects me to help out when i can and today i spent all day on a tractor making hay, i was freaked out as there were people working in the next field and all i could think was that i was doing a terrible job and they were all laughing at me. Even though i know i did a really good job, even if i do say so myself .

I don't know what anwsers i'm looking for but maybe some of you could help.

thanks

hi thank you for your reply,

I think i just need to make counselling a priority as i have been prescribed diazepam before and only take them when i'm very bad as i'm afrais i'ii get addicted. I already got myself through a small drink/drug habit and don't wish to return there.

I know i just need to brave up and open up.

Hi Boo,

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with depression and anxiety on top of the fibro. Although it is common to have many people are in denial. You have made a huge step in admitting that there is an issue.

Be up front and honest with your doctor. I can understand why you may be fearful of becoming addicted to benzo's so let you doc. know how you feel about that too. Together you have the best chance of coming up with a treatment program that is best for YOU. No one is the same and therefore what works for one person may not work for another.

And don't worry, you certainly won't be judged here. This is a great forum to vent when needed. I echo what Sherrine has in her signature.

Sending gentle hugs......

I'm sorry for your past and that you're suffering with depression and anxiety. I also suffer from both, and had a lot of trouble accepting it for a while because my best friend is bipolar, and I was afraid I would end up like her. She's had a lot of issues with physically harming herself, and a few suicide attempts. I've seen her in and out of all sorts of psychiatric hospitals for periods of anywhere from a week to six months. She's been on so many meds at once that at times she could barely even recognize me. I've spent years feeling guilty for not being able to help her get better, but I finally realized that she won't get better until she actually wants to get better, and unfortunately, so far she does not. You have to realize that you are not like your sister. You acknowledge your illnesses and obviously want to seek help to get better. When my depression and anxiety were at their worst, I had no job, no insurance, and no money. The county where I lived had a free counselling service for people who could not pay. I was extremely skeptical at first, but after I went for the first time, I discovered that it was nothing like I expected. My counsellor mostly just listened to me talk. She guided the conversation at times, but she was never forceful. She had me set simple goals and then showed me how, over time, I was achieving them. I also was able to see a psychologist for free with this service, so that I could start antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication. The only thing I had to pay for were the medications, but I always asked for generics, so I never paid more than about $20 a month. Now, I have insurance and I continue to be prescribed antidepressants by my family doctor, but the county funded counselling was a huge help when I really needed it, and it was a key part of me really turning my life around. I strongly incourage you to look into a program like this in your area. I can't even begin to describe how helpful it was for me. Good luck to you, and I hope you are able to start feeling much better soon. Please keep us updated on how you're doing.

Take care!

SaraBeth