long nights

I always wonder how many of us are up unable to sleep forever whatever reasons. Tonight is one of those no matter what way i lay or where something hurts and sleep will never come, only dawn. And night is always the lonely time cats don't say much and a cup of tea only offers so much comfort. I am a student of psychology and the recent fight with my family care doctor still bothers me i really detest fighting with him about how the brain works.... And yet find myself frightened of going to see a pain management doctor, by now it should be a standard routine seeing a new specialist. Yet i can't help but think why does it have to come to this... All i ever really wanted was some sleep and the pains i can't handle to be controlled responsively. And of things to dread it is the fact i know i will have to see a me, well in a sense pain management pysc. probably an odd fear i guess. Most days i don't know anymore. And every passing year the only thing i learn is i know less then the year before. More and more i find myself wondering what does happen in the end of all this. Each passing year it just hurts more, and knowing why don't help. My aunt who passed recently was at peace... I keep going over and over watching her slowly die and tonight just seems so quiet and empty here without her sounds of sleep. Sometimes i am so mad at her she had cancer and refused any and all treatment except for being diagnosed, and at the end i had to know how one can die and find peace in knowing they will be gone in only hours. Yet with the smile i remember from early childhood, she help my hand and told me finally i have rest and be at peace. Still i am amazed by how strong she was even in the final hours as she still held my hand more for my sake then her own and smiled thru her pain. This spring when the cherry blossoms bloom I will take her ashes back home to japan and finish my last promise to put her to rest where she was born. But tonight for whatever reason the urn looks so lonely and the kitten i promised to save from the shelter curled up sleeping in her chair make me wish this house was not so empty. She always told me she would come back as well i guess this kitten i promised to save, but tonight probably just from pain and lack of sleep it is just not enough the selfish me wants my companion back. I know all things find peace in your soul and heart, and knowing she is at rest is my comfort. I suppose i just wish the nights were shorter and alot less lonely. If only i can find the will she had to live love and die with such passion then i know i will have given her honor thru my own work and will to fight just to be a better person. She once told me that even if only you touch one heart sooth one soul you will on there forever. This i believe to be true for those we touch and bring peace to we will always live in their hearts

It does, but for tonight it is so frightening. I love the wording of your post, i always love something to ponder and it is so rare to find. I know she knows more then i of pain life and love, but that secret i suppose is not yet mine to hold. I grew up in a very traditional family in short by coming here to study with my aunt i disgraced my own parents by not marrying the one they choose. Here tonight with all the mourners gone this is the first night in my life i have ever spent alone.... long over due considering by this culture. But i too wonder what it is i do not know yet and why my own peace won't find me soon, though sadly i have always felt even as a child it will find me before my time... So much work to be done, no not with actual people i have always wanted to know the answer to the one question "why" so i guess untill i find my why i will struggle or never know peace. But to your question yes it is perfectly put, I too feel strongly that your beautiful post is the naked truth of the way it will be.

What a beautiful and sorrowful saying, though i do grasp it's meaning, but the understanding comes much harder. Well the break of dawn has arrived once again, off to school this is my last year to the PHD my aunt always pushed and shared that dream with me and to fail it now would be no lesson learned. Sweet dreams to you also.

This is a lovely thread. Just a thought on being alone... I recently spent about 5 years of my life alone (well, with the company of my two beloved feline children, one who is gone now..). It is in that time, without the distractions of anything or anyone else, that I learned the most about myself in my almost 40 years, AND I learned the best way for me to deal with my pain, mentally and emotionally. Not trying to qualify your aunt as a distraction, you have my sympathy for your loss. Just trying to point out what could be one little positive you may have to look forward to....

Congrats on your pending PhD. I was forced to terminate my pre-medical education because I couldn't physically or mentally endure the demands of such anymore. Kudos to you and all others who persevere...

Wishing everyone a restful sleep

Insomnia

 

I lie awake in the middle of the night

the room is dark except for moonlight

Time passes slowly when others sleep

I hear the tick of the clock, as the second hand sweeps

Keeping time as I count sheep

 

Robin

 

Post Edited (crazykitty) : 9/18/2009 2:32:55 PM (GMT-6)

Hello Watashi, and other sleepless fibromites! I enjoyed all of your posts.

The war correspondent's words are so truthful - I know that I have a whole bunch of new troubles with my fibro, but I am coming to understand that I have a power to manage them that I didn't know I had before. I am now starting to make better choices, choices which I probably could have started making years ago such as being deliberate in my exercise, being deliberate in the foods I eat and trying to make sure that everything that goes in has something beneficial about it, and wondering if there is something beneath all the pain that I am not "getting" yet. These troubles are definitely lessons that fibro has caused me to examine, so I am (in a very strange way!) grateful to have been given this opportunity to change for the better.

That said... I tend to get the blues if I am tired and can't sleep so,  like tonight, I'm using this time to menu plan, write grocery lists, and look for healthy supplements online. When I wake up in the morning I will feel productive and one step ahead of the game, even tho my house is still messy!

Pleasant Dreams!                                                                                                                     

off topic but --- pocky sticks! for the win!!

I too have been working on a paper most of the day... honestly it is long boring and don't really interest me. I hold hope your paper gets done and you make it to your phd as well. As for babies and labor i would not know... I think right now is the first time since i was still much younger and hot blooded that i have stopped to think about the kind of love that brings us babies (embarrassingly as i never had that kind of love ) but my own fault i never really looked for it either, guess when you only think of one passion, then the other passions suffer. But in honesty i have no regrets either.

And yes tonight i find my peace in this velvet darkness. Finding this forum has really been life changing, but at last the change is a one of beauty.

The past few nights I've been up really late because I'm almost better from the flu, and my sleep schedule is off. I've found a nice way to relax a little bit before going to bed: I turn off all the lights in the house and go outside and sit on my back porch steps. Tonight I listened to the little breeze in the cottonwood branches, watched the night clouds and the layers of the Milky Way, saw stars glimmer in and in between clouds. It always makes me think of being a kid and sleeping outside in summer and fall, and learning about the constellations and how the earth worked.... very relaxing.