Struggling Husband

First off huge hugs. I honestly think the problems are not FMS. There seems to be more going on in your marriage that is causing the strife.

For example, I have 2 small children, stay at home, but I lean on my husband. He and I are very close. He works very hard to help me when I am in pain and he understands the amount of pain I experiance and the amount of exhaustion I experiance. However, I try very hard to keep the house tidy and fix dinner every day. It's not always possible. I usually text him and say "today's a bad day, can you handle dinner or do you just want to pick something?" Or I'll say, "just a warning the house is a mess, can you help me clean when you get home?"

I know you are hurting. However I have a hard time sympathizing with someone who is complaining about something alot of us deal with. I think you two really need to talk about this, maybe even with a counselor. She needs to know how you feel about her leaning on other people, not you. You need to find out why she is not leaning on you. Perhaps she feels you dont undertsand what she goes through. To be honest, if you dont experiance this, you really dont understand.

Is she in treatment? Perhaps the treatment isnt working and she may need encouragment to seek more help. Also, ask her what you can do to help her. Maybe offer to rub aching muscles and joints, or make her some soothing tea and run her a bath. Something simple that shows you want her to feel better.

I dont know, its really hard to offer advice in this situation. I experiance alot of what your wife experiances. So yes, there are days where I can barely function. There are days when I dont feel like folding the laundrey. There are days when getting up and fixing breakfast for my kids is about all I can do.

Try to be understanding on how debilitating this is. You really need to talk to her. That's the only way to repair what is going on between you two. I'm very sorry this has happened and you feel out of the loop. Perhaps she just needs to know you are trying to understand. Coming here and getting advice from fellow sufferers is a good step to show you are trying to understand this.

Good luck.

nomadicmom - Thanks for the reply.

We have been in marriage therapy for a couple of months, but I don't feel like she's taking it seriously.  This started when she got her iphone - something she was excited about and able to get out of the house to do - and I found 2,500 texts to an old high school friend on the first month's bill.

I've been trying, but I don't feel like she is making any effort.  She missed our last appointment because she went to breakfast with a friend and lost track of time.

She is being treated, but its mostly just supplements.  She only goes to the doctor every few months.

We have put a deposit down on a hot tub.  But once again - this just seems like a "passive" solution to her problems.  No effort required to soak in a tub.  But I'm praying it helps.

Yesterday - for example - I can't think of ONE THING she did around the house.  But, she was critical of me because I could have been doing laundry while watching football (with her).  I had to go into work for 4 hours in the morning, then I had to do the typical weekend yard work, cooked dinner, and I did manage to do one load of laundry.  Yet all I heard about was what I didn't do.

We've got the dog and a BEAUTIFUL neighborhood to walk in.  The only time she does so is when she steps outside to meet the kids at the bus stop after school.  I'm not really even sure she's doing that any more.

She is on adderal and has been on medication for depression for many years - dating back before the fibro.

I think depression is a major issue that is not being addressed. She says she doesn't want to go to individual therapy because she gets more depressed talking about her problems and if she's going to get out, she'd rather doing something enjoyable.

I agree with nomadicmom that there's more going on here than just fibro.

However, I will say that unlike most fibromites, exercise of any kind triggers a flare for me and I feel worse not better. I have tried really hard to walk a little each day, but finally had to admit it wasn't helping, it was hurting.

So yes, exercise is good if you can manage it, but some of us have such severe cases and are so totally disabled that we just can't and shouldn't.

Just my two cents...

Hi and wow it is so nice to see the supporting people looking for help, i have to agree there is something a bit more then fibro going on there. I have my aweful days going to school and working, but living mainly alone minus the brother who likes to stay with me i have honestly thought about a housekeeper thats more a time thing though. The idea of cognitive behavioral therapy is very useful, i work in the mental health field and i even went the route of a pain psych. it has helped a lot the mind can do really really weird things to people it's amazing really. I'm with beanly it hurts to walk, and alot of things i used to love to do i really dread them now. Honestly it hurts my butt to sit at school or work, and it also hurts to lie in bed sometimes there isn't a win win. What i find alarming is people need to find their reason to get out of bed everyday, you know the dream they chase or just something that makes them happy. I guess to try and explain it's that drive that keeps you going even when your not sure you want to anymore. I wish you the very best of luck, and hope in here you can start to find ideas that will improve things.

I find some of your comments hard to figure out, since I don't know you or your wife. But I wanted to put my two cents in. I have had fibro for 25 years. No pain relievers have ever worked for me. Most of the time my main problem is overwhelming fatigue. I needed to point out to you that being on the computer or watching TV take almost no energy. In addition to reading, sometimes that's all I can do all day long. I don't stay in bed all day, because it eventually causes more pain. I hope you find some answers. Diane

Hi, and welcome!  I'm sorry your family is going through all of these problems.  From what you have mentioned, there definitely are other things going on with your wife.  Depression is a biggie.  But, when it comes to fibromyalgia, if she sits or lays too long, she will be stiff as a board.  Then she will have more pain which causes more depression which causes more sitting around, etc.  She really needs to start moving and doing things.  She can't do things in the same time frame as before she developed fibro, but she can still get things done.  I know that when I first started moving, it hurt me but I didn't want to spend the rest of my life sitting around.  I had a life to live so I kept at it, a little at a time, and now I'm enjoying life, I'm more flexible, too!    

 

Attitude is a big part of fibro.  With fibro, as well as anything else, if you tell yourself you can't do it...you can't!  You usually don't even try to make the effort.  If you tell yourself you will try to do it...many times you succeed!  That's where your wife's depression plays a big part.  She doesn't seem to have the desire to do it and that's probably because of her depression.

 

See if you can get her to come on this forum.  I think we really could help her.  I think she could really start enjoying her life again.  I've had fibro for 22 years and have had a full and enjoyable life in spite of it.  We can give her ideas as how to work around fibromyalgia and also how to gain control of this illness.  She needs to be in control...not fibro being in control of her life.  We would love to have her join our family.  I'm quite sure she would like it here, too.  So, see what you can do.  I'll be looking forward to "meeting" her.

Sherrine    

Bumping my own post from last October - before we separated - back when she was in the middle of two Emotional Affairs.

Reading this, it seems like we've made no progress, or perhaps even moved backwards.