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So Much Going On - Me in Flare

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Posted 11/24/2009 11:57 AM (GMT 0)
I've' not posted for quite some time. I am in a mess. can't sit, stand or lie down w/o discomfort. My Dad is dying of cancer, all my appeals for assistance were in vain. I've also involved myself with a man who's been in and out of my life for the past twenty years, and don't know where to go with . All I know is that if it works out this time it'll be a d---- miracle. My dad is dying as I speak. 17 days, no intake of food, very little fluid. I need to be strong and at my best and i cannot find a way to sit, stand, lie down or lean, that doesn't hurt. Gotta go try another position. Thank-you.
Posted 11/24/2009 2:11 PM (GMT 0)
I'm so sorry Tyno about your pain and your dad. I know how hard it is to watch someone die like that. The stress is probably a lot of your pain. I will pray that this will all end soon.

 

I think I would put the romance on the back burner til you are yourself again if it is also causing you stress.

 

It has been a long time since we have heard from you but you know we are always here when you need us.

 

luv and hugs

Marlee

Posted 11/24/2009 3:26 PM (GMT 0)

Sending prayers and gentle hugs. So sorry about your Dad and all your pain.

Know that you we are here for you. We Care!

Hugs

Robin

Posted 11/24/2009 6:38 PM (GMT 0)

Dear Tyno,

So sorry for all the sadness and pain going on in your life. My prayers are w/ you and your father. It is very hard watching your father get weaker and knowing your time w/ him is short. I lost my father to cancer.

Forgive me if I'm stepping on toes. I know you need comfort right now, but perhaps it would be better to hold off on this man until you are not so vunerable. There is so much coming at you right now, I'd hate to see you be hurt by someone, especially when your world is upside down. I wish you peace and rest. My thoughts are w/ you.

God bless.  Alice.

Posted 11/24/2009 7:01 PM (GMT 0)
I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.  I went through something similar with my Mom.  It's horrible and that's most likely why you are having so much pain.  Try stretching and relaxing.  This sounds like it is out of your control now so don't try to control things anymore.  Let it go and let your Dad go.  I had to do that.  It was so hard but my Mom then stopped struggling and so did I.  I gave her permission to leave and she did two days later.  She was finally at peace and out of pain and I was at peace and started feeling better physically. 

 

I agree with Alice and Marlee about your relationship.  You are very vulnerable right now.  You need to have things settle down in your life so you are back to thinking clearly.  THEN, you can think about renewing the relationship.  You might even change your mind but at least you won't be deciding while under so much stress.

 

I will be praying for you and your father.

 

Sherrine

Posted 11/24/2009 7:17 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Tyno

Hi I am pretty new here a couple weeks I guess so we have not met.  Sorry to have to meet under such sad and stressful circumstances.  Flares are tough esp under the conditions you are in emotionally.  Try to relax, eat right, take your meds if you take any and do try to sleep for your health.  You sound like you love your dad very much and he loves you.  It is hard to lose people we love and watch them suffer.  Have you talked to a social worker or church counselor about grief.  Maybe that would help you in your emotional and physical needs right now.

As for your man in your life.  I am a romantic.  So I am not going to tell you to give him up.  Maybe he is with right now for a reason.  Maybe you need some stability in your life something familiar.  So if he makes you happy and is nice to you then heh the heart wants what the hearts wants!

Best wishes to you as you go down this rocky road but know you are not alone.  People care and are thinking of you.

Bless you

Rhonda

Posted 11/24/2009 7:55 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you all so much. Yes it is an incredibly difficult time. I have written my male friend and suggested we just cool it to friends till I get myself back. My Dad does not want to die. He wants to fight. It seems everyone else says "well he has dementia' as though that's a good reason to write him off, He's a happy dementia victim. He put in a hugh garden last summer and grew veggies for the Nursing Home. Yes, he is 73 but his Dad lived to 96 and his Mom, who had early onset Alzheimers, lived to 94, happy, happy. He twice expressed himself very clearly. the specialist tomorrow he will see,. Dad looked at and said "a fellah has to do something about this", and then "a fellah would think with a the new fangled gear they got these days. they ought o be able to fix this". Finally, driving home in the truck I turned and asked Dad "Dad, are you afraid to die?" He replied "not yet!" So it isn't getting easier. But a gal's gotta do what a gals gotta do.
Posted 11/24/2009 8:09 PM (GMT 0)
Tyno, I'm sorry!  I misunderstood your post.  I thought he was in the hospital dying...not living with cancer and fighting it!  My Mom fought her illness to the very end but the last two weeks of her life were bad and that's what I thought you were talking about.

 

I'm glad he still has the fight in him and he hasn't given up.  That attitude adds length to his life.  And who knows.........?

 

I hope he starts to get his appetite back.  See if you can get him to drink Ensure or a product like that.  That could help.  Also, Gatorade to help keep him hydrated and getting electrolytes. 

 

Sherrine

Posted 11/25/2009 2:13 AM (GMT 0)
My prayers are with you tyno, and I wish you the best during such a difficult time.
Posted 11/25/2009 10:29 AM (GMT 0)
Sherrine, believe me, you did not misunderstand my post. There is such controversy ongoing about "letting nature take it's course which means slow painful starvation and gradual blockage of the airways, vs. inserting a feeding tube and giving radiation therapy. I have been fighting for the latter for over a month as many oppose meas Dad has Alzheimers and Dementia, and a benign brain tumor. But, he tells me, when I ask him "Dad, are you afraid to die?" He says "Not yet". Also he told the surgeon treating him, clear as a bell, he wants "it fixed". It's the other politicos weighing in, that seem to believe (excuse me) his life isn't worth the extra measures needed to give him a fighting chance. He is on 18 days w/o food and still getting up to watch the news, so... finally, after co-writing an article for publication for a local newspaper, suddenly I got a call yesterday "when would it be convenient for you to come in so we can see about a feeding tube". Funny how that works. Thank-you
Posted 11/25/2009 1:16 PM (GMT 0)
Tyno, where is the cancer located??? Your in such a bad place having to make these decisions of what is best for your dad. The stress has to be horrible. My heart really goes out to you.

 

luv and hugs

Marlee

Posted 11/25/2009 5:44 PM (GMT 0)
Tyno, I don't know what to say, other than my prayers are with you and your father. I hope you will get the services you both need, and you some much needed rest.

(((gentle hugs)))
Posted 11/25/2009 5:58 PM (GMT 0)

Tyno, I can't believe they were going to let him die like that!  My Mom kept having strokes.  She was on a feeding tube the last 1 1/2 years of her life.  It was only when her lungs kept filling up that I had them pull all tubes out.  This was Mom's request through a living will.  It was so hard to do but she was really far gone by that time.  Her lungs were having to be suctioned out every two hours around the clock!  Her quality of life had ended and she died in a couple of days.  BUT, that's not true with  your father.  So what if he has Alzheimer's or dementia!  He is a human being, not something you can toss to the side of the road.  If they don't help you, get your face on television.  Call your local stations and let them report what is going  on.  I know you are in Canada but that shouldn't be allowed!

I'll continue with the prayers and please let us know what happens.  I hope he starts receiving nutrition soon.

Sherrine 

Posted 11/26/2009 2:15 AM (GMT 0)
Tyno, I'm so sorry for what you and your dad are going through. I can't believe our society has gotten to a point where letting our elders go before their time is acceptable... I'm glad your dad has fight in him. Good for you for helping him at this difficult point in his life. I took care of my mom, who was also a happy dementia patient with cancer, and can still hardly believe what a rewarding time it was. Tough, but worth it in the end. I had a similar situation with a male friend and told him he needed to sit in the back seat for awhile, and if he didn't like it he could lump it. (Thankfully he lumped it!) Stick to your guns with your dad, write to your congresspeople if you need to. They can be incredibly helpful in difficult times. Good luck and keep us posted.
Posted 11/27/2009 1:55 PM (GMT 0)
Thank-you all, again for all your support. The Cancer is his tongue. Some backwoods rural doc sent him off to the local hospital "to have his tongue cut out". I fell off my chair. Bottom line; I did co-correlate with a local reporter who got a darn good article into a local newspaper, which brought an immediate call from the local hospital, where I took Dad, they put him under anesthetic, I told them it was much more humane than allowing him to starve to death, he was on his 17th day w/o food and almost no water and was sill clapping hi hands and singing in a circle with other residents. I took him to hospital, a feeding tube was put into his stomach w/i 45 minutes and he will remain there until (hospital), they get the appropriate nutritional formula prescribed and have him fed for several days as his nursing home gears up for he tube feedings. He will then undergo a series of 3 doses of radiation therapy to shrink the tumor on his tongue. The travel back and forth will be incredibly challenging. However, the Radiologist doing this therapy has an 80% success rate in shrinking these type of tumors with this procedure. So, we keep on trucking with what success we have achieved. Thank-you again b/c I feel so much resistance from various folk who quote 'let nature take it's course",, rhetoric. I appreciate the support for what I am trying to achieve here. Oddly, I am of the 'let nature take it's course" philosophy" myself. My grown sons are very aware of this. They have it burned into their brains. However, my job as POA is to represent My Father's wishes. He said he isn't done pulling carrots yet, (Farmer) and that is how this will go. Again, appreciated.
Posted 11/27/2009 2:47 PM (GMT 0)
I'm so happy you got someone to take action Tyno. I have a cousin with terminal cancer and they won't do anymore chemo but they are doing radiation cause it helps the pain so maybe that is the purpose of doing radiation on your dad. There really isn't any reason for people to suffer the way they use to with cancer.

 

I know this whole thing is very stressful on you physically and mentally Tyno and I wish I had a solution to make it easier but I don't.

 

luv and hugs

Marlee

Posted 11/28/2009 3:05 AM (GMT 0)
Hi, Tyno, so very sorry to hear about your father's grave illness. My father suffered from cancer and passed away in January 2008 and I cannot begin the imagine the horrible physical and emotional pain you must be suffering now. I would advise you to put that man on back burner for now; you do not need the added stress of his uncertainty. More important, you're vulnerable right now and from experience, a man will think nothing of taking advantage of your heightened sensitivity and vulnerable state to get what he wants. If I had to do it over, I would've told the man to get lost on the spot; lucky for me, the relationship never became serious<big smile> Hang in there, Tyno, and know that you have lots of friends who love you. Keep us posted.
Posted 11/28/2009 5:57 PM (GMT 0)

Tyno, I'm so glad you were able to finally get him help.  Your father is still fighting and sounds like he is still getting some enjoyment out of life so you do what you can to help him.  He still has "life" in him. 

The feeding tube wasn't bad.  With my Mom, she couldn't eat because she would aspirate it in her lungs and end up with pneumonia.  So, that was the hard part.  Everything, including water, was given to her through the feeding tube.  Your father is a different situation and he might get his appetite back and, if his tongue isn't sore, he might start eating again.  It's truly amazing what a will to live will do.

Keep letting us know how he is doing and how you are doing, too.  This is so tough but you are handling things very well!

Sherrine 

Posted 11/28/2009 11:47 PM (GMT 0)

Tyno, I know this is a different thing than what you are dealing w/, but the age factor is what hit me.

4 yrs ago my DH had to have surgery on his big toe (Diabetes Type 1). The dr said he would do the surgery, cut open, clean and close. Then he mentioned how if my DH was 80, he would just cut off the toe. I asked why, he said 'Well your husband is still working and needs to be able to stand up.' I was stunned! I asked 'But don't 80 yr old ppl need to stand up, too?' The attitude that older ppl don't need the same care and attention as someone younger is disgraceful.

I am also the POA for my mother. There are certain things that I would do for me, but my DM has stated her wishes and that is how I take care of her things. Business or medical. I expect, if necessary, my children will handle my affairs as I want them, not their take of my feelings.

You don't need me to tell you this, but you are a good daughter, a good person. I know this is so hard for you, especially since you aren't feeling that well. If it takes writing in newspapers or calling politicians, do it. Older ppl are valuable, too. They shouldn't be swept under a rug. I hope things are more peaceful for you and your father.  Long Live The Carrots!!

God bless.  Alice.


Posted 11/29/2009 4:06 AM (GMT 0)
Good for you for writing that newspaper article. I am glad you finally got some help for your dad and that he wants to fight so hard. We will be praying for him and you.
Sue
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