Consequences of self-inflicted stupidity....

Ahhh I feel your pain. I have a 4 year old son and life is crazy with him. He is in preschool 3 days a weeks until 12:30 and cleaning gets done but sometimes you wouldnt know it. He is very active and at 4 I have him help do things like unload the silverware from the dishwasher and put it up and he will hold the dustpan for me but how many times do I have to say pick up your toys, or put your books up when your done? I talk in code sometimes too. I am at home with my parents because 1 I am a single mom, 2 the economy is horrible and 3 I am a student. Best of luck to you with your family.

I also have a hard time asking for help.  I don't like to admit that I need help to begin with and then to "burden" someone else with what I want or need to me seems to be asking to much of them.  I am the type of person that I will bend over backwards to help someone else.  If there is one thing that I have learned in the last couple of months it is that I cannot do everything.  I would not expect someone else to do everything so why do I expect myself to do everything.  I have had to realize that I have limitations and I am not invicible like I would like to be.  I have to listen to the limitations of my body(including spiritual and emotional limitations) and take action to still get things taken care of.  Many times that takes asking for help.  This is a very difficult endeaver and proves to be a difficult journey to get there.  I still find myself trying to do everything by myself.  However I also know that if I continue this direction eventually nothing is going to get done at all because no one is a mind reader and they can't know what I need if I don't ask for help.

Take care of yourself because if you don't then you can't do what you like (help others) and you are the only one that can truely take care of you.

I made a chore list today. My 13 year old is on board and understands. I think it's the 21 year old that will be more of an issue, but I'll be letting his father handle that one. He fancies himself more of a "renter" who shouldn't have to do anything because he pays us a small amount of money to cover the expense of having him here (which hasn't been paid in 6 weeks) but guess who has still had a bed and food to eat? He's a bit delusional to think a maid comes with the deal. I haven't been too happy with him since he pulled the "I work all day so I'm tired when I come home" card on me.... grrrr.

They all know that I don't feel well. I am usually down at least 1 day per week with a migraine, which only adds to the fatigue I already feel. I think I've just finally come to the end of my rope. I had to finish cleaning the house this morning. I am supposing the 21 year old wasn't happy when I vacuumed at 8:15, but he would have been woken up by the gardener's leaf blower 10 minutes later anyways! hehehe. And if I'd had the help I needed yesterday, I wouldn't have had to vacuum this morning.

Caligirl, When i read your post it was like you were talking about me. I have 5 kids (older now), but when they were little and my health was better they knew if they didn't help clean the house that I would do it. Now that they are older they still expected me to do it. I still have an 18 year old , still in high school, and just had my 30 year old move back in because he lost his job because of the ecconomy and they were running me ragged. One day i was watching Dr. Phil and he said something that stuck with me. YOU TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU and i realized i had started something that i could not keep up. I sat both my boys down and told them they were adults now and that I am in bad health and I need help. I should have started when they were younger and it would have not gotten to this point. I told them they could either help make things easier on me or I would make things harder on them. They didnt believe me at first until i proved my point. now they do things around the house and i am not so stressed or in as much pain as before. As someone else posted chores are done by all members of the family. It sounds like you are heading in the right direction, never be afraid to ask for help.

Cali,

I do understand the predicament you are in since I am guilty myself of doing the same in the past...OK, once in a while I still do it. BUT, it is your choice just as much as it was mine. Please take this as tough love from someone who did way too much of this....

If you don't get the kids on board then they will keep walking all over you and taking advantage of the situation. And that 21 year old??? If he's going to announce that he isn't doing any chores then YOU can announce that he no longer gets a warm bed to sleep in, meals, or even a roof over his head! I would be livid too but somewhere he gets the idea that mom will do it all...didn't we? Is hubby still living there??? Why is he letting this happen? Since when do the kids rule the house? Those video games would go under lock and key or in the trash. They're not a requirement to living. And the TV ...turned off and the cable unplugged also. Would save a bunch of money too. We grew up without any of that stuff and we never lacked for something to do. If we got bored then there were plenty of chores that would be assigned.

Again, I've been guilty of the same type of thing until I realized what I was doing...I was doing my kids a terrible disservice. I was teaching them to not be self reliant. I was teaching them that women/moms are to be used and not respected. And I was teaching them that their own fun is more important than anything else in the world. Once I realized what would happen to my kids as adults it all changed. Today they are good, hard working kids who respect others including their family. Making kids to chores, and especially to clean up after themselves is probably the best lessons you can ever give your child...and it shows love they will understand once they are truly an adult. I learned but it wasn't easy.

With warm hugs and respect...
Chutz

I appreciate all the advice and you are all right. I do have myself to blame for allowing it to continue as long as I have. I just kept keeping it in and now I'm paying for that because it is affecting my health. I got along fine with my step son until he moved in. And it is causing problems with my husband to have him here. My husband's ex moved the 21 year old 1000 miles away when he was 6 and then spent 12 years doing everything she could to try to come between them. So when my step son talked about moving in with Dad, my husband saw it as a chance to spend some time with him to make up for what he didn't have before. And I wanted so much to make him happy. I thought I could handle this. I knew my step son had issues, but I had NO idea how much they would impact all of us and that they were so much worse than I anticipated. Rather than being able to help him, I've hurt myself and in the process my 2 kids because Mom is sicker and more stressed out than I have been in years.

My husband doesn't like a lot of what he sees either, but he just so desperately wants his son as part of daily life that he can't see the full negative impact.

But here is my quandary: if I don't roll over, and essentially swallow all of my frustrations and pretend to be calm and peaceful about everything (and I doubt that my doctor will give me enough xanax to induce THAT state of being), I will be held responsible for him moving out (not that he could afford to at the moment, but that is another story). And my husband does blame me for not "trying harder" He says I have always been calm one, the voice of reason, but since my step son moved in, I seem to have lost my patience and ability to be the voice of reason. He is right. I AM different. Because I didn't get an adult in the house who contributes, I got another kid to referee who thinks he's an adult but acts like my 13 year old. So now, I carry my health issues, and the stress of knowing that if he decides to move out, my husband will blame me. We had friends advise us that it wasn't a good idea to have him move in, but we chose to have him do it anyways- curse me and my optimistic sunshine-and-happiness-everything-will-be-fine (previous)way of looking at life. Our friends were dead on. It was a mistake. And we have yet to see exactly what it will cost us.

And my husband's birthday has been marred by a fight and ended with me in tears with a migraine and everyone unhappy.

Today, I lost an entire day to another migraine. And my 13 year told me that my step son has told him that he thinks I fake them to get out of cleaning... I guess that explains why, when he found me laying on the floor today 5 feet from my bed (I had crawled to the bathroom, but the pain was too bad for me to make it back to the bed, so I slept on the floor for an hour) he could say " oh, ok." in a condescending tone and then tell me that he couldn't find me an ice pack that I had asked for an hour and a half before.

My 13 year old also has migraines, so he understands what I go through. I always say that I would never wish a migraine on anyone, but I may have to take that back. Just ONCE, I think the step son should experience what a migraine really feels like so that he can get over the notion that it is just a headache. Yes, I have spent $550 on doctors appointments and prescriptions (uninsured) so far this year because I don't want to do the dishes....