I just need someone to talk to.

This is RaeRae,

I am new here and I guess I joined to write and possibly have someone to talk to and make myself feel better.

This isn't just about Fibromyalgia all together. I have had it for a couple of years now but I have had a life you could write a book about. Maybe I should, but I can't focus long enough to get anything done.

I'm just horribly sad and have been for months now. I used to think of myself as a very strong person, but I don't any more. I honestly just have accepted the fact that I must be dieing. I am just hoping that something is wrong with me so I can just slip away and not let anyone down in the process. It isn't even that my heart is aching. I'm not anymore. I'm just tired and I think that the world is such a cruel place.

Everything revolves around money, which I have never had, but now it is worse. I have sold everything I own besides my TV, my mattress, one chair and my vehicle that I can't drive because I can't afford insurance and the plates are expired. My drivers license expired and I couldn't pay the property tax on my vehicle and so they suspended my license. I drove anyways just to go drop off my table and chairs that I sold to make some money. Now I have to go to court in order to get a special insurance, pay like $1400 in fines and the bad thing is that after it is all done I won't have a vehicle to drive because I will have to sell it to pay the court fees.

My boyfriend leases the house we are in with option to purchase. Before we got together his credit was great but now due to my issues and bills that he has been helping with his credit is now bad. We have one more year before we have to purchase it and we can't and so we will not have a place to live as he was laid off about 10 months ago and now has a small part time job that brings in only about $80 a week.

I have a small work from home job that makes us enough money to pay the bills most months, but we are still falling behind and can't even make a payment on his credit cards that are around $28,000. He also had a 2nd loan for a house his name was on before he was divorced. His wife now has cancer for the 2nd time and going through therapy. If she dies then we are responsible for that house also.

It is just too much. No matter how hard I try I never get ahead and before I became ill I busted my tail for about 4 years and when ever I had extra money, I mean every time, we had an emergency come up like the roof cave in, my brother going into ICU with swine flu and I had to go help his family, sons teeth getting knocked out at baseball practice or him getting into trouble with the law and having additional court costs and counciling.

I have no energy. I can hardly clean the house some days and get the chores done. I also just came down with shingles also which is irritating. I have a ruptured disc and a bulging disc, an ankle that has been operated on because I tore all of the tendons on both sides and so have limited range of motion in.

I know this is a pesonal pitty party, but I can't help it. Now my ex husband is drinking worse than ever and was taken to jail for abusing his family. He isn't a beater, but when he drinks he gets upset and it can lead to pushing and slapping. He was much better before we divorced. He is remarried to a wonderful woman and they have a 5 year old son now and our daughter who is 16 lives there. She moved in with me when he was bad and then when he cleaned up she moved back. Not long after he started again so she may come back to live with me and I lover her and I would love to have her back with me but I can't afford to feed her. I had to tell my son to move back to his dad because I couldn't afford to help him but he is 20. I will be the crappiest grandparent ever.

How do people live? How do they make enough money to cover bills or repair credit? I'm just so down and don't think I will be coming out of this hole.

RaeRae

Hi Karen

Thanks for listening.

I did try counciling, and got on the list at the hospital where I didn't have to pay. They set up an appointment and it was a month and a half out. The date was close and the Dr called and canceled and moved the apt farther off three more weeks. That apt came up and the Dr calledin sick and so they rescheduled me for another month out. Finally it looked like I could go and we had a horrible snow storm and the office closed. I called another office and go an apt and the same thing happened. They canceled and moved me a month out. It has been 6 months of tying to get in.

He isn't looking for another job as the work we do at home he helps me with and witout his help I couldn't make nearly the money I do now.

Thankfully I smile through anything. I am a very positive person all the way around and have learned positive self talk and not to dwell on situations you can't change that instant.

Thank you again and I know I will make it through this.

Raerae

I think you should encourage your boyfriend to get a full time job. It is the only way. I know you said you need his help, but perhaps you couldd manage on your own for a little while. Or possibly contact some business development groups in your area to see if there is any local programs you could use. I know here I can hire someone qualified to help me in my business and it would cost me little or nothing. The government would subsidize their wages. I know it is hard - I have been in the money situation for what seems like years, and every time we have a few dollars to put away, something expensive comes up. It never ends, and I have just come through an agonizig period of depression over it. Do I get a full time job, even though I know I won't have the energy for it? Do I stay home and just keep telling my two little girls that we can't afford anything? It seems like we are always counting pennies to get milk or meds. I do understand. I found an answer for my situation, I think, although only time will tell. And I know there is an answer for you. It just sometimes seems that we can never find it until we are at the very lowest point in our lives. Maybe you could join a church? I know that may seem futile, but if you have even some faith left, it could help you, and you might be surprised at the amount of support a person can get from belonging to a church. They may be able to offer some counciling, some one-on-one talks about life and why we must suffer, not to mention a whole congregation of people who would love you and pray for you. I hope I have helped. A hug to you, and understanding.