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Posted 7/16/2010 4:37 AM (GMT 0)
My mother has been having fainting spells. She is 79 yrs old and lives 6 hours from me. My sister lives 4 miles from her and is her POA. We have hired a daytime sitter due to the dementia and the TIAs that she had and required surgery for in April.

I went home and stayed for 2 weeks to help during the surgeries. I stayed in the hospital at night with her. My husband is disabled and can not leave the protective bubble of our home because he has allergic reactions to smells, touching things and his diet is very limited to where he can eat NOTHING prepared outside of our home or our daughter's home because she knows his diet.

I have to oversee everything in our home for getting repairs done, bill paying, the worries to figure out how to take care of things. I also have fibro and other auto immune illnesses. I have a very difficult time driving for longer than an hour, but made the drive to my mother's home during the emergency.

My sister is going on vacation and told me I have to come home so she can take a vacation. mad nono

In order to do that, I would have to leave my husband alone (again) after I cook and prepare meals in advance of my being gone in addition to having all items purchased that he may need for while I am away. I would also have to prepare my food due to celiac disease and take all of that with me in order to go care for my mother. Then when coming home, I would just have to do this all over again for my husband and myself without any rest in between.

My husband and I have not been on a vacation in 5 yrs and that was just to a local hotel for a week because at the time our youngest was so sick that we were not sure she was going to live. We were afraid to leave our town, but we left the house just to have a different scenery for our 25th anniversary.

Other than our youngest daughter, I have no one to help me with my husband. My sister does not like my husband and she dismisses my celiac needs as just a 'choice in making my diet difficult on purpose.'

Am I wrong to feel upset that she just expects me to come home to take care of our mother so she can go on vacation? (I know she has it difficult with having our mother call her all the time, but she doesn't go over every day.)

I am not shirking my duty to help out with my mother, it is just I have my hands full and I am in the middle of having to take our youngest for a license exam for her CNA and having a new roof put on our home during the time that my sister will be on vacation. Not to mention my husband had medicine changes today and will have to be monitored for reactions and then go in for another sleep study because his apnea is worse.

I do not want to be petty, but I am just really angry that I was 'told' to come.
Posted 7/16/2010 5:17 AM (GMT 0)
Mrsppmrxky,

I don't blame you! I would be angry, too. It's too bad your sister isn't more sympathetic to all that you have on your plate. We can only do today what we can do today.

Take a deep breath and try to realize that even if you didn't have fibro, celiac's, your husband's problems, and all the rest, the final outcome of what happens with your mother is out of your hands. I probably took years off the end of my life trying to make everything better for my mom, then my dad, when they were dying (4 months apart.) In the end, I was so frazzled that I wasn't even thinking straight - I spent my dad's last night alone in the lounge of his nursing home (where I could still see him) instead of by his side. Why? He appeared to be unconscious, I was exhausted, my body hurt bad, and I had to lie down somewhere. It never even occurred to me to ask them to wheel a bed into his room. I also allowed my sister-in-law to open his window because she was hot, even though my dad was chronically cold and his temp at the time was in the low 90s. (Grrrrr!!) I still wanted to fight for him, but I guess the constant pressure to do, do, do was suddenly off, and I just folded.

Almost 2 years later, I still have a hard time coming to terms with these memories. Sure, they knew I loved them, but if I had "put my own oxygen mask on first," I would have actually helped more. I really hope things work out for all of you and that you don't accept your sister's trying to make you feel guilty. Because you are doing a very tough job already, all the way around.

Achey
Posted 7/16/2010 11:59 AM (GMT 0)
Dear Mrsppmrxky - I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. I have been through alot myself and understand what you are saying. Bottom line is I think you have to do what you can and don't worry about the rest. You need to take care of your health and husband first. Since it would be very difficult for you to go to your mom while your sister is on vacation, have you concsidered either hiring a live in aide while your sister is away? Or placing your mom in a nursing home just while your sister is away? I know no one likes nursing homes but sometimes they really do serve a good purpose. Good luck to you.

Kim
Posted 7/16/2010 12:54 PM (GMT 0)
I agree.. You should get an aide to help her or... move her in with you for the week? Wouldn't that be easier? I did make my life easier and my mom moved in with me. But her financial situation helped with that so the choice was easier for her. You have so much going on and you need to find an easier way to do this.
Posted 7/16/2010 9:05 PM (GMT 0)
devil  Your sister is just going to have to forget her vaction.In my house my wife and kids come first.Its hard to belive people can be so selfish tell your sister to grt the worse flu shes ever had then talk to you about going on vaction because thats what you going through.Do you and i have the same sister YOU JUST STAND FIRM WHATS SHE GOING TO DO SEAMS THE THE BALL IS IN YOU PARK GOD BLESS sonny boy nono
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