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My husband just doesn't understand

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Fibromyalgia
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Posted 11/22/2010 6:26 PM (GMT 0)

Hi all,

Truthfully I have been fighting the diagnosis for Fibromyalgia for years until last year when I had to have a hysterectomy and soon after my symptons got really bad.  Now that I have accepted it and am trying to learn how to help my self things are going slightly better. It is just my husband says He just doesn't get it.  He just does not understand that the pain seems to come from nowwhere and the headaches and so forth. Any way I can help him understand? I have given stuff to read but not working. The eye roles and sighs are like a kick in the stomach.

Thanks for all your sharing.

Bay

Posted 11/22/2010 7:23 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, Bay, and welcome!  I'm so glad you found us and joined it!  Many have spouses that have a hard time "getting it".  We look fine to them.  We don't have a cold or the flu, haven't been in an accident, etc.  It just doesn't make sense to them.  Well, guess what?  It doesn't make sense to us either!  It doesn't make sense to the doctors that are trying to figure this illness out!  So, do have some patience with him.

 

Be sure to check out Fibro 101...the first thread on the forum.  Please, really do read it.  It is filled with a lot of good information about fibromyalgia and you will learn a lot there.  I compiled that so people would have access to the important info and I do direct newbies to that thread whenever I greet them.   

 

In Fibro 101, there are a couple of links that really might help your hubby understand what you are going through.  One is called Doctors Respond to New York Times Article.  The other is called A Thorough Explanation of Fibromyalgia.  I would print these out and have him read this.  This illness is recognized by the American Medical Association, the Americal College of Rheumatology, the National Institute of Health, and the World Health Organization to name a few!  This illness is real and is NOT all in our heads.  So perhaps these links will help educate him. 

 

I'm looking forward to getting to know you better.  Don't hesitate to ask questions because we are here to help you.  I hope to hear more from you soon.

 

Sherrine

Posted 11/22/2010 7:34 PM (GMT 0)
Not that I have any ideas for you, I can certainly relate. If they only knew half the pain all of us were in, maybe, just maybe they would get it. But for some odd reason they don't. It's like any internal pain goes unnoticed. "what we don't see doesn't bother us". I know it's frustrating to our spouses/SO but it makes the recovery or the need to carry on with life so much harder. I feel your pain. I've often thought that maybe Im not the right person from my husband because of all my "issues" and that makes me feel like I should leave him at some point if I don't get better. I don't have an exact diagnosis, but I have suspected FIBRO for a long time now.

All I can say, is try to ignore his eye rolls and sighs, and just remember that your pain is real and you are the one who truly has to deal with it. Find someone, a close friend or family member that you can talk to. I am now going into therapy for all my problems to learn how to cope with an "unsupportive person"
Posted 11/22/2010 10:58 PM (GMT 0)
sherrine, thank you very much for your info. I have read the 101 but perhaps not not closely enough so I will do a better job this time and thanks again.


breezyp, I do hope you find your answers, course of action, and suport system. We will just have to stick together and get through this. Most of all thanks so much for caring enough to give me shout and letting me know I am not alone. keep us updated.

Bay
Posted 11/22/2010 11:03 PM (GMT 0)
No problem, Bayla. I think it's important to have some support especially when one feels so alone and invalidated. Hugs and keep your chin up and I'll try to do the same
Posted 11/23/2010 3:00 AM (GMT 0)
Mine doesn't get it either so i just keep it to my self and keep going and that means like cooking.cleaning and all the things a woman does iam soon to 55 and no matter how i feel he expects things done i have had fm many years like30 so i really don't what feeling normal feels like .well take care and hugs to you and nice to meet you Deb
Posted 11/23/2010 3:16 AM (GMT 0)
I'm sorry you guys are having trouble with this, and I know how lonely that can be. My husband took a while to get it, but now he does (as much as a person who feels almost no pain can - he's on the other end of the spectrum!) But you can't softsoap it. If you are hurting, sure, try to get your mind off of it, but don't deny that you're hurting! It's not your fault, you didn't get this because of some lack of character, and the person it's the hardest on is you!

I'd absolutely LOVE to be able to cook up a wonderful meal, create a lovely home and garden, tone up the old bod and earn a good income. But that's just not realistic. All we can do is all we can do, and it's not worth giving ourselves MORE pain to try to live up to standards we can't meet - especially if they're somebody elses' standards.

Be kind to yourselves.

Debbie
Posted 11/23/2010 4:13 AM (GMT 0)
ask if he would just spend an hour looking around a site like this with real people talking about there fibromyalgia maybe if he sees its the disease that causes pain from nowhere and reads what we all go through he might get it. good luck i hope he gets it soon
Posted 11/23/2010 4:46 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you all so much, you give me strength to keep plugging on. It seems like to me I have got to work with Docs and get meds that work for me which has been and will be trial and error and find an exercise that I can tolerate and hopefully start having more better days than bad days. I wish it was easier and the Doc could just say take this and no more pain or anything every again...HA... I am dreaming I know so back to reading and research and thanks to you all. Hubby will either get it or he won't.

Bay
Posted 11/23/2010 4:55 AM (GMT 0)
Acheybody! Wow that is a fabulous post. I think its the best advice I have ever read. Thank you!
Posted 11/23/2010 6:17 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Bayla, I just wanted to say welcome to our fibro family, we have a great group here that are always willing to give support to others. Im sorry that your husband doesnt get it. I do understand what that is like because it took my husband a long time to understand that I really was hurting and there are still times he forgets. He has gotten better though so don't give up hope. At least in here we all know what it is like to feel pain so if you cant get the understanding at home know that we are here for you. Hope to hear from you soon.
Gentle Hugs
Shirley
Posted 11/23/2010 11:31 AM (GMT 0)
Bay, walking and swimming are two good exercises that are easy on fibro but give you the exercise you need.  You might start there.

 

Many with fibro are deficient in malic acid/magnesium and also in vitamin D3.  This can cause more pain and fatigue.  I put links about these vitamins and nutrients in Fibro 101 and how they work in  your body.  Perhaps bounce these off your doctor next time you see them.  I take the malic acid/magnesium several times a day and I also take 5,500 IU of vitamin D3. 

 

You will figure out what will take the edge off the pain so you can function and enjoy your life.  As you said, it's trial and error.  But I'll be praying that you will find it soon.  Meanwhile, help educate your hubby.  That will make your life easier. 

 

Lastly, NEVER feel guilty!  (I know you didn't mention this but this happens to a lot of our members.)  You didn't ask for this illness and you are trying to get it figured out.  There is no reason to feel guilty.  Just do the best you can and everything else will fall into place.

 

Sherrine

Posted 11/23/2010 4:22 PM (GMT 0)
Perhaps you aught to say to your husband 'if you don't get it, how am I supposed to convince Dr's who are sceptical of it!' The simple fact is he is being ignorant of your illness on purpose. Everyone is sceptical at first but when they see that your absolutely knackered 99% of the time, they have no choice but to accept there is something wrong. My advice is to tell him not to be so ignorant of another human beings feelings...(yours that is!) If he thinks you can carry on as 'Normal' with this condition he needs to get his mind read.
My wife understands my problems so why can't he understand yours. I am sorry if I sound angry it's because I am! This is not a very nice condition to have without the support of your partner...
Print this off and show him!!!
Posted 11/23/2010 6:16 PM (GMT 0)
Thank YOU, Breeze!  You made my day.  :-)

Debbie

Posted 11/24/2010 12:05 AM (GMT 0)
Bay, Loved your post too! You know a close girlfriend of my skyped me last night from the other side of the world with man problems, "he just doesn't understand" etc. She asked what's the answer, and I said LOVE. Love is the answer, inside love, you will find a way to deal with your condition and love him too. Love will give you the strength to go on. Love will keep you well. Search deep inside yourself for love. Love is the answer!

I look back over my life and realise that I've re-invented the wheel. The answer was there all the time and wish I'd applied that theory more often.

Oxygene
Posted 11/24/2010 12:58 AM (GMT 0)
I am not so good with words but I wish I could express to you all how much your words and support means to me. Thank you, Bay
Posted 11/24/2010 1:06 AM (GMT 0)
I hope he understands sooner rather than later!
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